# Furious mom sends scolding email to son's fiance re her etiquette lapses. Are her criticisms valid?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [July 1, 2011, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457 "2011-07-01T01:07:07Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 9
### Author:  [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)
#### Post date: [July 3, 2011, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/161 "2011-07-03T10:47:49Z")
> [@astro](#):
>
> [Per this story.](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2009881/Shes-Miss-Fancy-Pants-After-wrath-mother-law-fury-bride-bes-father.html) I’m not familiar with the woman writing the critical email, but apparently she’s a big deal in the UK.
I just wanted to correct this bit - no, she’s not a big deal in the UK, she’s a former nobody, who’s a big deal this week after the email went viral, and will probably go back to being a nobody again when the next funny hits YouTube.
Until then, let’s laugh at her in [photos of big (under)pants](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2010696/So-Miss-Fancy-Pants--s-correct-way-wear-bloomers-outside-trousers.html) and wonder what on earth gives her the right to criticise anyone else!
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### Author:  [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)
#### Post date: [July 3, 2011, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/162 "2011-07-03T12:13:41Z")
Oh, I see - the step-MIL is a self-righteous bitch who’s finishing-school education didn’t take. She clearly dislikes future DIL and was trying to get her digs in. Hope the tactic backfires.
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### Author:  [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)
#### Post date: [July 3, 2011, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/163 "2011-07-03T13:54:59Z")
The future MIL, by writing to her son’s fiancee, has demonstrated what a gutless wonder she is. Didn’t even have the courage to speak to the young woman face to face.
Sure, the fiance sounds as if she may be clueless in the etiquette department, if the criticisms are valid. But she didn’t sound rude on purpose.
The writer already hates her future DIL. This does not bode well for the marriage.
I once witnessed, before a wedding, the MIL trying to pick a fight with the bride. It was where the reception was being set up. The poor bride kept backing off, and the older woman kept getting angrier and angrier when she couldn’t get a rise out of her. So she walks over to where the cake is being set up and rams her fist across it, causing a lot of damage to a lovely cake. The caterers had to hold back the baker from attacking the woman.
When her husband was summoned his first words were “What has she done now?” He obviously knew his wife was bonkers. She was allowed to attend the wedding, but not the reception.
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### Author:  [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)
#### Post date: [July 3, 2011, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/164 "2011-07-03T14:11:05Z")
If you add in the stuff about the diabetes, this is no longer a story about etiquette. It’s just a story about a psycho stepmother.
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### Author:  [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)
#### Post date: [July 3, 2011, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/165 "2011-07-03T15:34:43Z")
> [@MsRobyn](#):
>
> [The sitcom’s been done.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keeping_Up_Appearances) In fact, Mrs Bourne reminded me a lot of Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced as boo-KAY). She’s a pretentious, social-climbing snob.
I loved that series - Hyacinth would have been mortified to confront someone so directly, she would have bitched out her husband [and if they had the son in question him] not the fiancee. She was a snob, but she maintained the outer face of propriety. I actually loved the neighbors, the goat episode was cute.
> [@Broomstick](#):
>
> Oh, I see - the step-MIL is a self-righteous bitch who’s finishing-school education didn’t take. She clearly dislikes future DIL and was trying to get her digs in. Hope the tactic backfires.
Sounds about right. I will be willing to bet that this is not the first time son has had problems with step monster flipping out. This is just the first time it went public.
> [@Acsenray](#):
>
> If you add in the stuff about the diabetes, this is no longer a story about etiquette. It’s just a story about a psycho stepmother.
I think what probably happened is fiance takes advantage of weekend to sleep in, breakfast was probably something loaded with sugar, not enough protein. To be polite fiance avoided the sugary crap, went back for more eggs and bacon which offended step monster, then while out for the morning had the glucose tank down to 50 or 60, came close to passing out and explained it to step monster that it was because there was too much sugar in the breakfast. Step monster abhorred the issue of fiance almost passing out and being told that it was because she couldn’t eat the right stuff … so step monster gets pissed off and penis ensues when the snarky email gets out.
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### Author:  [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)
#### Post date: [July 3, 2011, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/166 "2011-07-03T17:34:15Z")
> [@astorian](#):
>
> The purpose of good manners is NOT to give us ammunition with which to embarass people! The purpose is to make social interactions more pleasant.
For me, this is the bottom line.
We actually don’t know to what extent the MIL’s complaints stem from legitimately questionable actions. For all we know, and this would not surprise me, everything the MIL wrote is exaggerated, taken out of context, or based on hearsay. Some of it might even be fabricated entirely. In any case, that email violates the very spirit of what manners are for, as **astorian** articulates succinctly above. Nothing the fiancee is accused of comes close to the egregious violation of manners exhibited by that email, especially if you read the [whole thing](http://abcnews.go.com/Health/british-mother-carolyn-bourne-slammed-nasty-email-future/story?id=13975860&page=3).
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### Author:  [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)
#### Post date: [July 3, 2011, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/167 "2011-07-03T18:07:19Z")
My opinion: MIL (step-MIL?) is clearly a social climber who thinks that perfectly proper behavior is the distiguisher of the higher classes. Wrong. She obviously wanted someone wealthier for her son, and has no clue what that would really have meant to all their lives. I’m betting the snotty lady’s father was a tradesman.
Now I’ll go see what the Dopers have said above.
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### Author:  [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)
#### Post date: [July 3, 2011, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/168 "2011-07-03T18:44:50Z")
> [@aruvqan](#):
>
> I think what probably happened is fiance takes advantage of weekend to sleep in, breakfast was probably something loaded with sugar, not enough protein. To be polite fiance avoided the sugary crap, went back for more eggs and bacon which offended step monster, then while out for the morning had the glucose tank down to 50 or 60, came close to passing out and explained it to step monster that it was because there was too much sugar in the breakfast. Step monster abhorred the issue of fiance almost passing out and being told that it was because she couldn’t eat the right stuff … so step monster gets pissed off and penis ensues when the snarky email gets out.
Naw, I’m not nearly so generous with step-monster - I’ve met complete, underhanded plotters in my life who positively _enjoy_ screwing with people who have actual medical problems. I wouldn’t be surprised if she deliberately supplied mostly sugary crap, flew off the handle when fiancee tried to eat properly, the whole “you don’t take seconds, you wait until they are _offered_” can be a passive-aggressive means of denying someone food, and then when financee is on the verge of passing out and begging for food, a drink, whatever step monster gets to beat up on her AGAIN about “unreasonable” demands. All this because either the person in question gets off on abusing others, or is trying to drive off someone, or in this case, perhaps trying to convince step-son that fiancee is weak, ill, whining, and high-maintenance. Or maybe a bit of all of the above.
Yes, that is _speculation_ on my part, I have no proof, but it sure wouldn’t surprise me.
I base that on a variety of characters I’ve met in my life
There was the scout leader who would decide that some girls in the troop were too fat (this was an anorexic making these decisions, so basically anyone showing a sign of boobs was a target) and _simply did not allow us to eat lunch for two days_. Or she tried to - the other mom along put a stop to that. She tried it again when we stayed at a horse farm - those girls who got up for pre-dawn “barn-duty” and fed, watered, and groomed four horses apiece were informed they had _missed_ breakfast (nevermind tradition there was that barn duty girls were _served_ breakfast and got firsts before anyone else, in return for their work and early rising) and would simply do without until lunch, and they were fat and stank. The other moms along put a stop to THAT, too, and the farm director, when she got wind of it, booted Anorexic Leader off the property.
There have been a half dozen people in my life who, when informed of my food allergies, have either “snuck” bits of allergens into food they served me to to “prove” I didn’t really have an allergy (one such trip resulted in various ejected bodily wastes/fluids all over her guest bathroom and a call to 9/11 - the hostess blamed ME. Really, I’m quite _happy_ she never contacted me again), or else they serve up a dinner composed _entirely_ of off-limit foods, wave each dish in front of my nose saying “OH! Doesn’t that smell _delicious!_ OH, wait - you can’t have any. You poor thing. You can’t eat anything, can you?” then I have to make do with a roll and butter or crackers (if I’m lucky) while everyone else eats. And, oh yes, told I’m demanding, picky, insisting on being the center of attention, difficult, hysterical, delusional, etc. How _dare_ I _inconvenience_ the host! Well, honey, if my presence is that much a trial _don’t invite me!_
Then there are the bullshit games my in-laws play with the family diabetics (the family is half-Native, there are a LOT of diabetics). A lot of it involves either food denial (you can’t have seconds, you have to watch your weight) while giving others seconds and thirds, and _forcing_ sugar-filled deserts on them. As in, taking near-mortal offense that a diabetic isn’t eating a huge slice of sugar-laden pie with ice cream on top because, you know, Aunt Tilly made it herself (hmmm… Aunt Tilly puts Wal-Mart price tags on her homebaked treats?).
We won’t get into people who steal medication from their relatives, but I know for a fact they exist. Certain relatives, if we visit, we keep any prescription medications locked in our car and no, we will NOT loan you the keys so you can move our car for us so you can get in or out or X,Y, Z, we’ll do it ourselves.
The step-monster just reminds me so vividly of those sorts that I have to wonder if she is one herself. Sending a totally snarky, hurtful e-mail full of jabs and snipes is exactly the sort of thing such a self-righteous hypocrite would do.
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### Author:  [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)
#### Post date: [July 3, 2011, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/169 "2011-07-03T18:46:52Z")
> [@TruCelt](#):
>
> I’m betting the snotty lady’s father was a tradesman.
OH, please - I work with tradesmen. I’ve met plenty of tradesmen and their offspring who have manners and class and who know how to properly conduct themselves in a variety of social situations.
From what I’ve heard, step-monster WAS sent to finishing school - it just didn’t take.
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### Author:  [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)
#### Post date: [July 3, 2011, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/170 "2011-07-03T19:12:58Z")
> [@Broomstick](#):
>
> OH, please - I work with tradesmen. I’ve met plenty of tradesmen and their offspring who have manners and class and who know how to properly conduct themselves in a variety of social situations.
>
> From what I’ve heard, step-monster WAS sent to finishing school - it just didn’t take.
I think the point is that step-monster considers tradesmen to be a lower class and doesn’t want to be reminded of her lowly start in life.
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### Author:  [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2011, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/171 "2011-07-04T00:11:52Z")
> [@runner pat](#):
>
> I think the point is that step-monster considers tradesmen to be a lower class and doesn’t want to be reminded of her lowly start in life.
Precisely. She is pointedly trying to represent herself as one who knows what those who own castles would/wouldn’t do. She seems to be trying very hard to differentiate between herself and the bride’s family.
Further reading shows that both she and Freddie-dearest own their own shops.
Hmmmmnn.
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### Author:  [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2011, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/172 "2011-07-04T05:33:09Z")
> [@Procrustus](#):
>
> It can be a hassle, since we might have things we’re trying to accomplish that day and have no idea if our guests are going to show up in the kitchen around 8 or 9, or 10, or 11, or later. So, I’ve got to sit around doing nothing productive until they decide to get out of bed. This would be solved if they told me the night before that they’re planning on sleeping in.
If I had plans, I would tell the guest ahead of time, something along the lines of:
Hey arsehole malingerer - I will be going shopping 9, you coming or you wanna stay and guard the house?
Or maybe - hey early bird, I will be working late tonight, so tomorrow nobody will be about till 11 or so, but if you wanna go out for a walk - knock youself out. but please don’t use the front gate, it squeaks like a bastard and will wake me up.
😃
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### Author:  [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2011, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/173 "2011-07-04T05:47:04Z")
> [@Isamu](#):
>
> Generally i don’t like staying at other people’s houses. You’re always walking on eggshells and living by someone else’s schedule, so I try to do it as infrequently as possible.
>
> Word to the wise, if you’re invited to stay at someone’s house and you don’t know them _really_ well, the best way is to make your excuses and book a hotel nearby. Spend the days/evenings with the people who invited you and then go back to the hotel for sleeping/breakfast/washing etc.
>
> The reason is that some people think that the way they live and organize their household is just common sense and is done the same way by everyone. I remember staying over at a friend’s house when I was in high school and getting chewed out by his mother when I used up all the hot water taking my morning shower. Seriously, I had no idea that hot water ‘ran out’ in some people’s houses. And I was used to my 20 minute shower - it was how I’d always done things. There’s no right or wrong in that situation - I didn’t _deliberately_ inconvenience anyone, but I felt like a complete shitheel because of it for years after.
> I acknowledge that the OP is a little different, in that the MIL to be is talking about what she considers ‘standard’ etiquette, but I think everyone can see that her complaints are just a thinly veiled way of saying “I hate you bitch”. Etiquette indiscretions are almost _always_ overlooked when we actually like the person.
>
> And to people who invite others (who aren’t nuclear-family close) to stay with them …
>
> 1. If you expect guests to be at certain places at certain times, or to do certain things let them know in advance.
>
> 2. If guests do something that doesn’t ‘fit’ with your lifestyle, be gracious in explaining how they could better fit in.
In my wife’s family, staying at a hotel instead of their house would be considered an insult.
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### Author:  [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2011, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/174 "2011-07-04T06:08:28Z")
Valid criticisms (with the possible exception of the sleeping late one. I can’t IMAGINE expecting my guests to get up at the same time I do, or conversely staying in bed until I’m up). Sending her a vicious letter like that? Just as crass and tacky as she accuses her future DIL of being.
I mean, there are much classier ways to teach someone manners. Much more subtle ways. If the DIL was doing those things, why not gently address it at that time? Possibly even with humor? I also wonder why her son didn’t give the girl some lessons, I mean he grew up in the house, surely he would have known.
Something like (only all fancy and English like :D), “sorry sweets, thems the breaks, but do feel free to bring in any special diet foods you like, we’ll make room in the fridge for you”. Or “honey, perhaps being too loud and overbearing isn’t the best way to get the best type of attention. Here’s a more ladylike way…” etc.
From the MIL’s complaints, the DIL sounds like the very epitome of the “ugly American” though (she is American right?).
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### Author:  [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2011, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/175 "2011-07-04T07:20:18Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#):
>
> From the MIL’s complaints, the DIL sounds like the very epitome of the “ugly American” though (she is American right?).
There are no Americans in this story.
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### Author:  [@Indistinguishable](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indistinguishable)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2011, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/176 "2011-07-04T07:38:56Z")
Note: [There is concern](http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/online/the-bourne-ultimatum-was-it-all-a-pr-stunt-2306267.html) that the whole thing might be a PR stunt for the groom’s wedding catering service, though as of yet, the evidence for this is not overpowering.
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### Author:  [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2011, 9:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/177 "2011-07-04T09:46:22Z")
> [@runner pat](#):
>
> I think the point is that step-monster considers tradesmen to be a lower class and doesn’t want to be reminded of her lowly start in life.
According to the article with the naughty facebook pics, linked above, MIL’s father is a physicist. No idea how close that might be to trade.
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### Author:  [@Martiju](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martiju)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2011, 10:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/178 "2011-07-04T10:34:11Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#):
>
> I’ve got to dissent a bit here. I was raised not to waste food, and thus if something is truly disgusting to you, it is better to politely decline some than waste it. What IS rude is to decline everything and nibble on crackers or the like.
True, but I think **Anaamika** \*\*'s\*\* point was that you don’t tell the host WHY you don’t want something, as the associated bodily functions aren’t suitable topics for discussion…!
(The number of times I explain to the kids that talking about sick and poo at the dinner table is not a great thing to do…!)
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### Author:  [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2011, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/179 "2011-07-04T10:44:49Z")
> [@Indistinguishable](#):
>
> Note: [There is concern](http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/online/the-bourne-ultimatum-was-it-all-a-pr-stunt-2306267.html) that the whole thing might be a PR stunt for the groom’s wedding catering service, though as of yet, the evidence for this is not overpowering.
I’m going with this. That’s how these things always turn out.
---
### Author:  [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)
#### Post date: [July 4, 2011, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/furious-mom-sends-scolding-email-to-sons-fiance-re-her-etiquette-lapses-are-her-criticisms-valid/587457/180 "2011-07-04T10:54:16Z")
> [@hermette](#):
>
> Until then, let’s laugh at her in [photos of big (under)pants](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2010696/So-Miss-Fancy-Pants--s-correct-way-wear-bloomers-outside-trousers.html) and wonder what on earth gives her the right to criticise anyone else!
I’m going for PR stunt, at this stage. The whole thing always sounded like a scene from an English manners novel. However, it was just plausible enough that I assumed it was real.
Then when you learn that the MIL is actually someone modern and cool enough to have photos of a bunch of guys in her kitchen showing their (censored) cocks, and of her dancing and holding up a pair of oversized knickers it begins to fall apart. There is just no way someone like that can also be someone with a stick up her arse and ancient frosty manners sufficient to write that email and mean it.
Then we learn that the groom to be is starting a marriage business, and whaddayaknow right after the whole thing goes viral he releases this fact and gets the name of his new business in every paper in the UK.
We’ve been set up, I think. The MIL is a good sport who played along with the joke to help her son in law to be. Look at the photos of her and her hijinks and tell me this isn’t far more believable than that she is the stiff necked toffee nosed MIL from hell.
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