# GAAAHH!! Crotch Spider!!! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 15, 2004, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356 "2004-10-15T12:15:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![knickel13](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@knickel13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/knickel13)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2004, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/41 "2004-10-16T21:17:04Z")
The spider has been killed!! Plus my sister still thinks I’m crazy. About ten minutes ago, I was sitting on my couch watching TV when my dog, a golden retriever about a year and a half old, barked while facing the wall to the left. I looked over and say the 8-legged bastard that was the cause of my pain and humiliation. I ran into the bathroom and got a Kleenex to squash the bastard with, but I thought “If I show the spider to my sister, she will have to believe that there was a spider on my crotch yesterday morning.” Why I thought that a spider on my wall necessarily meant that he was on my crotch this morning, I have no idea. Anyway, I yell for my sister to come into the living room because the spider had returned. However, before she entered the room, my dog jumped up and ATE the spider, and then wandered off. So my sister walks into the room to see the spider, and there’s nothing to show her. I told her the dog at it, but she didn’t believe me. THERE WAS A SPIDER, DAMMIT! ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2004, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/42 "2004-10-16T23:08:40Z")
Su-u-u-ure there was. CJ (Somebody had to do it!) ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2004, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/43 "2004-10-16T23:22:59Z")
While watching TV one evening, my sister spotted a cane spider nonchalantly walking across the livingroom room toward her. While not huge, the cane spider is the largest spider known in Hawaii and all froze, not so much because we were afraid of spiders, but because this one had a bonus: a huge egg sack on it’s back. Not wanting dozens of spiders in the house I ran to get a broom, my older brother for the dustpan on a long handle and my sister, the bugspray. While we gingerly guided the spider toward the open front door, in walks my youngest brother who promply steps on it. The horror, the horror!! A evergrowing concentric ring of baby spiders ran out from under and over his foot! In the end, My brother had to take a shower, we has to vacuum and shampoo the rug and we felt foolish for emptying the contains of three cans of Raid. Example of Cane spider: [http://www.champuru.com/09-2001/09-07-2001.html](http://www.champuru.com/09-2001/09-07-2001.html) :eek: :eek: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2004, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/44 "2004-10-16T23:26:21Z")
> [@This Year's Model](#): > > Once with my ex and I like that, one of our cats jumped on me, curled up in the small of my back and would have gone to sleep if I hadn’t started laughing too hard to carry on with the gentle rocking motion. My girl did that to my husband and me a few weeks ago. Then she got in between is and looked up at us like “Don’t stop. Am I interrupting something?”, flopped over on her back, and yowled for a belly rub. We haven’t laughed that hard in months. **Knickle** , man, that’s a fantastic story. I enjoyed it. I hope the spider doesn’t return and have another go at your balls. You might want to switch to decaf just in case. Ava ---
**Author:** ![Frankenbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c0e974/32.png) [@Frankenbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frankenbear)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2004, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/45 "2004-10-17T02:20:34Z")
> [@avabeth](#): > > **Knickle** , man, that’s a fantastic story. I enjoyed it. I hope the spider doesn’t return and have another go at your balls. You might want to switch to decaf just in case. > > Ava I think switching to a styrofoam cup would be better than decaf. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2004, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/46 "2004-10-17T03:00:33Z")
I laughed. I cried. I laughed some more. I nominate this as the funniest thread since Evil Nazi Groundhogs. > [@Jackmannii](#): > > And years back in college, I was letting my guinea pig graze on the lawn outside the dorm, when something spooked it and it ran up my pants leg. _Far_ up my pants leg. I was obliged to limp back to my room, sporting a large squirming crotch bulge (to the undoubted bemusement of several female classmates who were sunning themselves nearby), in order to extricate the panicky rodent. It could have been worse. It could have been a [ferret](http://web.mit.edu/afs/athena.mit.edu/user/d/r/dryfoo/www/Funny-pages/ferret.html). :eek: , I say. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2004, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/47 "2004-10-17T22:19:07Z")
> [@knickel13](#): > > An addendum for those who wish to know more: as far as I can tell, the spider managed to escape. He wasn’t on either my shorts or the coffee cup. The tricky bastard managed to make me smash myself in the balls without being injured. He’s probably telling all his insect and arachnid buddies “Hey, crawl on this guy. You can get him to hit himself really easily, and you can still get away. Try it yourself.” I don’t care what you claim to have seen on the living room wall. Considering that you hadn’t had any caffeine yet that morning, what you thought was a spider was probably, oh, lint? Many is the time I’ve been startled by a stray thread, thinking it was a bug. Nope, just lint. Do you really think that spider crawled all the way from the kitchen back to your living room? Lint. Trust me, you bruised yourself for lint. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2004, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/48 "2004-10-17T23:43:29Z")
> [@knickel13](#): > > Anyway, I yell for my sister to come into the living room because the spider had returned. However, before she entered the room, my dog jumped up and ATE the spider, and then wandered off. So my sister walks into the room to see the spider, and there’s nothing to show her. I told her the dog at it, but she didn’t believe me. Sure, “The dog ate my crotch-perching spider, honest!” Teachers hear that EVERY day. I once (on accident) threw an entire watercan of fertilizer-treated water on a very sweet elderly woman I was working for because I realized the tickling on my hand and wrist was (apparently) a million EARWIGS from inside the can. She was about two feet to my right having a narsecuppatea. Luckily she believed me. Kinda wish I still had those reflexes. ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2004, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/49 "2004-10-17T23:54:21Z")
> [@Portia](#): > > Sure, “The dog ate my crotch-perching spider, honest!” Teachers hear that EVERY day. This has got to be almost perfect sigline material – particularly for the OP! 🙂 BTW, **knickel** , may I offer my encouragement that you have to rank with **Scylla** and **Uncle Rue** as among the foremost raconteurs this board has to offer, and that you need to bite the bullet and sign up for full membership! I once (on accident) threw an entire watercan of fertilizer-treated water on a very sweet elderly woman I was working for because I realized the tickling on my hand and wrist was (apparently) a million EARWIGS from inside the can. She was about two feet to my right having a narsecuppatea. Luckily she believed me. Kinda wish I still had those reflexes. [/QUOTE] Sure! Nice excuse! And you question **knickel** ’s spider after **that** performance? :dubious: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2004, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/50 "2004-10-17T23:59:15Z")
> [@Polycarp](#): > > Sure! Nice excuse! And you question **knickel** ’s spider after **that** performance? :dubious: > > 😃 Hey, threre were enough evident earwigs to take over the world and maybe even Mars as well - Knick was after a single arachnid only he (and his testes) had witnessed. And those boys may get to move around a lot, but Lord knows, they ain’t chatty. ---
**Author:** ![Leonard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@Leonard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leonard)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2004, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/51 "2004-10-18T01:35:47Z")
> [@knickel13](#): > > First, my body’s Automatic Spider Defense System (ASDS) kicked in. Hey, I have one of those. They’re hell to control when the pet store has tarantulas. ---
**Author:** ![Cerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3bc359/32.png) [@Cerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cerri)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2004, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/52 "2004-10-18T11:11:52Z")
I don’t really get bothered by spiders these days. I never kill em in the house when I see them, and if I’m motivated enough at the time, I’ll usually just catch em and put them outside. However. I was terrified of any sort of spider or insect when I was a kid. (Still terrified of most insects, actually…I can handle ladybugs and caterpillars, but the caterpillars have to be the furry kind, or they oog me out). One time, my father (a CPA) was doing some work on the side and had a client over at the house. My mom was upstairs washing her hair or something, and had sent me to the basement to get some towels. Now, our basement terrified me as a kid. It was a cold, concrete unfinished basement, it had very low lighting, and I just _knew_ there was something living under the stairs that wanted to grab me and eat me up. So, when I was forced to go into the basement for something, I used to jump down the last 4-5 stairs. Because, ya know, that way the goblins couldn’t grab my ankles or nothin. (Hey, quit laughin, I was like 7 at the time) So, I went down, jumped down the stairs, ran to the machine, grabbed the towels, and turned for my dash upstairs. (The goblins wouldn’t grab me if I was facin them, like as I was going up the stairs…what can i say, I had a vivid imagination). Reached the bottom of the stairs, dropped the towels, and started screaming as if the goblins had grabbed me and were in the process of disemboweling me. There, on the third stair from the bottom, was someone’s escaped pet tarantula. No, I’m really not exaggerating. It was a fucking tarantula. My mom ran down the stairs 3 at a time to see who was murdering her eldest, saw the thing, and joined me in the screaming, till my dad came downstairs. He sees my mother and I screaming and pointing frantically, sees the tarantula, and yells “Holy shit! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!?” just as my neighbor (the aforementioned tax client) comes to look, joining me and my mom in our blind panic. Finally, my dad grabbed the bathtowel off the floor where I’d dropped it, threw it on the spider, and quickly started jumping up and down on the stair it had been perched upon, yelling some sort of Accountant’s War Cry the whole time. I refused to go into the basement for _months_ after the Tarantula Incident. You know, when I think about it these days, I feel bad for that spider. You know it never moved an inch the whole time? I figure it was just staring at us the whole time saying to itsself " 😕 What the fuck is wrong with these people?" ---
**Author:** ![calm\_kiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc348/32.png) [@calm\_kiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/calm_kiwi)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2004, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/53 "2004-10-18T11:26:29Z")
> [@Cerri](#): > > You know, when I think about it these days, I feel bad for that spider. You know it never moved an inch the whole time? I figure it was just staring at us the whole time saying to itsself " 😕 What the fuck is wrong with these people?" This is why I can’t kill spiders. To me (highly unscientific bullshit follows) spiders just seem intelligent. They are to insects as whales are to fish. They do more good then harm. If you leave them alone they will leave you alone. Oh…they do watch you 😃 ---
**Author:** ![calm\_kiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc348/32.png) [@calm\_kiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/calm_kiwi)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2004, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/54 "2004-10-18T11:28:06Z")
And **Cerri** that story was brilliantly told…spider murderers 😃 ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2004, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/55 "2004-10-18T12:03:58Z")
**Cerri** , beautifully done! I particularly liked > [@](#): > > Accountant’s War Cry Thanks for sharing! ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2004, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/56 "2004-10-18T13:05:18Z")
> [@Cerri](#): > > yelling some sort of Accountant’s War Cry the whole time. Was it “You can’t deduct that!” or “What do you mean, the reciept’s in this shoebox somewhere?” ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2004, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/57 "2004-10-18T13:37:35Z")
> [@Portia](#): > > …only he (and his testes) had witnessed. And those boys may get to move around a lot, but Lord knows, they ain’t chatty. Not that I’m doubting your word on this – but **how do you happen to know this!?** 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2004, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/58 "2004-10-18T22:00:50Z")
[QUOTE=Greywolf73] I can say honestly say that a big spider on or under my shirt is the one and only reason I would not hesitate to go topless in public. [QUOTE] I did this! Not because of a spider, but because of a giant tree roach, AKA water bug, AKA palmetto bug. It was in my right arm pit! I stripped off my shirt in one motion, screaming and dancing and slapping. AAAGGHH! I still remember it vividly. I wasn’t exactly in public, but I was in the living room with my husband, my sister, and her lover. I was sheepish after, for acting like such a big wuss. But, jeez! Have you ever been face to face with a monster roach? ---
**Author:** ![Cerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3bc359/32.png) [@Cerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cerri)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2004, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/59 "2004-10-18T22:45:55Z")
> [@This Year's Model](#): > > Was it “You can’t deduct that!” or “What do you mean, the reciept’s in this shoebox somewhere?” It was more like the gutteral heart-rending scream he made every month when he had to balance my mom’s checkbook, which bore far more resemblance to a road map than a checkbook register by the time she was done screwing up all the lines and just making arrows to what everything was supposed to line up with. ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2004, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356/60 "2004-10-18T23:01:38Z")
> [@Dolores Reborn](#): > > But, jeez! Have you ever been face to face with a monster roach? How many of you remember the Letterman segment when he told Penn and Teller to do something to freak him out-and not let him in on it? [The story!](http://www.eonline.com/Features/Features/Moments/index4.html) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gaaahh-crotch-spider/269356.md?page=4)