# Game - Which would win in a fight? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 2, 2002, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682 "2002-09-02T16:08:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2002, 9:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/141 "2002-10-05T09:18:27Z")
**Yoko vs. Tokyo Rose** A talkfest… at first. Yoko starts doing that ululation she calls “singing,” nearly imploding Rose’s skull, but then Tokyo Rose starts to sweet-talk Yoko, as is Rose’s wont. She tells her, “C’mon, Yoko, you know that deep down you feel responsible for ‘Revolution 9’ and even ‘The Inner Light,’ though that was a George song… The nail through the apple was a neat idea, but you took it too far… You’ve totally debased the wonderful, minimalist, Japanese artistic tradition that was your perfectly constructed, utterly refined and civilized birthright…” Just as Yoko is seduced by the words and begins to weep, WHAM! Tokyo Rose nails her with a rice-paddy wooden clog hidden in a kimono. Tokyo Rose in a TKO. Two rounds. **Kurt Cobain** (alive) vs. **Screamin’ Jay Hawkins** (also alive). (I really have no idea who’d win this one…) ---
**Author:** ![WSLer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WSLer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WSLer)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2002, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/142 "2002-10-05T22:06:57Z")
Screamin’ Jay leaps out of his casket with the bone in his nose and that’s all she wrote for Kurt. What can he possibly do to top that? Show Jay the trackmarks from his heroin use? Gee, that’s scary?:rolleyes: Keith Richards vs Henry Rollins ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2002, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/143 "2002-10-05T22:12:16Z")
Considering that Keith Richards only weighs about five pounds (he’s really hollow, you know), I’d give it the borderline psycho Rollins. Gen. Patton vs the Drill Sargeant from _Full Metal Jacket_ ---
**Author:** ![jonpluc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/fbc32d/32.png) [@jonpluc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jonpluc)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2002, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/144 "2002-10-06T14:22:36Z")
Buffy vs Xena in a fight …i would LOVE to see that…i think there EVERYONES a winner. hard water stains vs irratable bowles ---
**Author:** ![Minor\_Irritant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e495f1/32.png) [@Minor\_Irritant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Minor_Irritant)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2002, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/145 "2002-10-06T17:24:17Z")
Patton wasn’t half as mean as Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, and he was an old man, to boot. Hartman gouges out Patton’s eye, and…you know the rest. Irritable Bowels, by KO. Hard water stains are no fun, but I’d rather have to scrub my drains than my pants. Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, vs. Steve Austin, the Six-Million-Dollar man. ---
**Author:** ![New\_Improved\_Scott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f17d59/32.png) [@New\_Improved\_Scott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/New_Improved_Scott)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2002, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/146 "2002-10-07T01:58:31Z")
Crock Hunter says “Crikey! It’s a washed up star from the seventies! I’m gonna get nice and close! Look at it’s waethered skin! This is an old fella, I’ll be sure. He look pretty timid.” Austin doesn’t blink. Irwin Gets closer “Geez, I’m gonna give this bugger a big kiss, he’s so beutiful.” _SMOOCH_ Austin keels over, already dead for days. “Crikey!” **Q, from ST:TNG, vs Professor Charles Xavier and the X-Men** ---
**Author:** ![WSLer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WSLer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WSLer)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2002, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/147 "2002-10-07T02:25:51Z")
Well, **duh.** Q can do anything, so Xavier and the X-Men won’t be able to stop him, as he transports them off to the dimension of buttertscotch pudding and 3 week old Four Cheese Doritos. Now entering the ring: Those subscription thingees that fall out of magazines vs pop-up ads on the PC ---
**Author:** ![The\_Ace\_of\_Swords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@The\_Ace\_of\_Swords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Ace_of_Swords)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2002, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/148 "2002-10-07T03:08:35Z")
Pop up ads, in a rout. They can spawn, whereas the subscription inserts merely annoy once, and they can even be ignored by the literate litterer. **The Swiffer Picker Upper** vs **That Darn Cat** ---
**Author:** ![WSLer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WSLer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WSLer)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2002, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/149 "2002-10-08T02:07:51Z")
The Swiffer Picker Upper 'cause no matter what That Darn Cat does, the Swiffer can always pick it up. Yes, I know that was lame beyond belief. I’m sorry, I’ll be good. "I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six shots or only five?’ well, in all this excitmement I kind of lost track myself. But seeing as this is a .44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head _clean off_, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well do ya, _punk?"_ vs. “I’ll be back.” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Ace\_of\_Swords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@The\_Ace\_of\_Swords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Ace_of_Swords)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2002, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/150 "2002-10-08T03:56:40Z")
Boo! BOoOoOoO!! Boo, I say! ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Straight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dec6dc/32.png) [@Enola\_Straight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Straight)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2002, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/151 "2002-10-08T05:21:50Z")
Since no one’s posted the next fight, I will. **Alex (Glen Close’s character from Fatal Attraction) vs. Norman Bates** ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2002, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/152 "2002-10-08T06:07:18Z")
Norman Bates, easy. You think that rabbit business was cold? Sheee-hut. Think back to all the creepy stuffed birds Norman had sitting around (not to mention the strange bird in the basement). Alex was an amateur; Norman was a pro. **Next up! The Battle of the Sidekicks: Danny Glover from Lethal Weapon versus Tonto.** ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2002, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/153 "2002-10-08T13:43:40Z")
Danny Glover takes a lot of beatings, like from Jet Li’s feet, while all Tonto does is hide from danger using the superior camouflage skills that only the cowardly develop. Glover wins once he can catch him. **Day old 7-11 Chili Dogs vs Year old 7-11 pickled eggs** ---
**Author:** ![New\_Improved\_Scott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f17d59/32.png) [@New\_Improved\_Scott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/New_Improved_Scott)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2002, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/154 "2002-10-08T14:34:06Z")
Most people think year old means tougher, but those chili dogs are one mean mofo. The dog has killed 230 122 in the past year alone! Chili dog all the way. **Bucky vs Robin** ---
**Author:** ![The\_Ace\_of\_Swords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@The\_Ace\_of\_Swords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Ace_of_Swords)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2002, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/155 "2002-10-08T15:28:29Z")
[Bucky, the Cartoon Cat is having his way with the Early Bird, and the feathers are flying from the bucktoothed feline; The Early Bird drops his worm and is suplexed out of the ring!] [But wait! Robin Givens jumps onto the top Rope and attacks with Flying Iron Mike Claw! Look out Bucky!] An1: Oh, it’s a mad clawfight; I can’t watch, Darren! An2: But who’s that at the edge of the ring! It’s Bucky Dent for Team Bucky! Looks like it’s payback time for NY! An1: Ohh, the smackdown, look out, Robin! An2: Oh the Early Bird just got pummeled! Oh god, he’s got a baseball! HE JUST BEANED ROBIN GIVENS! An1: No whiff there! That can’t be legal! An2: I shouldn’t think so! WILL NO ONE STOP THIS MADNESS!!! An1: Sure went to the head of _her_ class, eh, Darren? An2: But WAIT! GIVENS HASN’T GIVEN UP! She’s on her feet! [Givens tags a masked man in tights] Who is that masked boy! It’s Robin! [Robin throws bat-grenade after bat-grenade into the ring, and Bucky Dent is down!] An2: Uh-oh, it’s the Bat-Nose-Plugs and the Bat-Gas; Curtains for the Bucky the Cat! Bucky Dent is out! Team Robin wreaking havok in the challenge ring! An1: Has anyone even tagged him? Why is the ref playing pinochle? An2: But wait! Bucky The Cat on his ninth life crawls out of the ring and tags a shadowy figure. Who is that! What’s he motioning to? Crowd: Bucky! Bucky! Bucky! [Eye of the Tiger Intro] Crowd: Bucky! Bucky! Bucky! [Lights Dim] An2: I’m! Not! Sure! An1: Who is that for team Bucky? An2: He’s not on my notes! He’s not on my sheet! This is SHEER MADNESS! [Lights flicker] Crowd: Bucky! Bucky! Bucky! An1: What’s going on in the WWWIAF ARENA? [Ominous shadow grows into the arena] An2: That’s huge! It’s got to be 10 stories high!! Who or what is that?!! An1: Oh, oh. An2: What?! An1: For Team Bucky! An2: Yes? An1: It’s BUCKMINNNNNNNNSTER FULLLLLLLLLLLLLERRRRRRRR!!! [BUCKY SPHERE CRUSHES ALL. CROWD GOES NUT!] An1 & An2: Pan! De! MONIUM! _whew_ Did I earn a rematch for That Darn Cat? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Straight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dec6dc/32.png) [@Enola\_Straight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Straight)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2002, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/156 "2002-10-08T22:21:10Z")
After the third time that day the cat’s shedding has to be swept up…The Swiffer Picker Upper’s handle is shoved up the cat’s ass…sideways. Barbara Streisand’s nose vs Jay Leno’s chin ---
**Author:** ![jonpluc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/fbc32d/32.png) [@jonpluc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jonpluc)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2002, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/157 "2002-10-08T23:28:47Z")
Ooohhhh that ones close…but ill have to give it to Barbara…by a nose \ soggy diapers that leak VS authentic wooden cigar store indian ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2002, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/158 "2002-10-08T23:35:09Z")
We need more info – are they cloth or disposable diapers? ---
**Author:** ![jonpluc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/fbc32d/32.png) [@jonpluc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jonpluc)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2002, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/159 "2002-10-08T23:54:55Z")
they are made of plaster of paris ---
**Author:** ![WSLer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WSLer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WSLer)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2002, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682/160 "2002-10-09T01:27:09Z")
Soggy diapers because you can use them to coat the Indian with human filth. /Michael Buffer/ Let’s Get Ready To Rumble!!! Now entering the ring: **Urkel** Vs. **Screech** /Michael Buffer/ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/game-which-would-win-in-a-fight/126682.md?page=9)