# Gaudere's Law my ptootie! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 21, 2001, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305 "2001-08-21T05:29:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2001, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/41 "2001-08-22T16:56:50Z")
**Hama** is just _so damn sexy_ when she bashes flirting! ---
**Author:** ![Atreyu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@Atreyu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atreyu)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2001, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/42 "2001-08-22T22:24:02Z")
**Atreyu** ’s First Law: The longer you take to compose your reply to a post, the more likely a simulpost will occur. **Atreyu** ’s Second Law: The half-life of a thread can be measured by how long it takes for an “obligatory” message to appear, such as “3. Hi, Opal!” or the dreaded phrase referring to military bases being in the possession of individuals with a shaky grasp of English. This half-life can be called the _AYBABTU Quotient_, and is measured in the number of posts between the OP and the offending post. **Atreyu** ’s Third Law: If your SDMB user name exceeds a length of seven letters, the likelihood that someone will abbreviate your name goes up dramatically with each additional letter. Examples: **Qadgop the Mercotan** --\> **Q the M** **Coldfire** --\> **Coldie** **manhattan** --\> **manny** ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/43 "2001-08-23T00:09:58Z")
**Cervaise’s Axiom:** The more somebody thinks they know, the less they are likely to actually know. **The Handy Principle:** Handy’s posts will contain useful information on those third Tuesdays on which the ratio of the Gulf Stream’s average depth in meters to the number of remaining months before the cicadas return is less than or equal to the number of footprints left by Apollo astronauts on the moon raised to the power of the number of laughs in the newest Farrelly Brothers movie. ---
**Author:** ![wevets](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e9a140/32.png) [@wevets](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wevets)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/44 "2001-08-23T21:58:15Z")
The Law of Relative Cleverness: Merely being on the internet doubles your apparent cleverness to yourself. It also cuts your apparent cleverness to everyone else in half. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2001, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/45 "2001-08-24T01:17:31Z")
The Spew Rule: As the number of posts in a thread increases (to 50), so does the probability that one of them will be a “X poster, you owe me a new keyboard” or “my monitor doesn’t like me anymore; I spewed coke” post. If it’s in the Pit, MPSIMS, or IMHO, multiple this by 3. If in GQ, multiply by 2. If in GD, divide by 2. If in ATMB, multiply by 5 if OPer is Fenris. ---
**Author:** ![pesch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pesch/32/4925_2.png) [@pesch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pesch)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2001, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/46 "2001-08-24T01:24:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sofa King \* > \*\*It’s all about sex. \*\* **Logical Correlation to Sofa King’s Law** OPs that refer to sex will generate 10x the number of views it deserves. [sub]And for myself[/sub] **Pesch’s Law** The degree of TMI revealed in a post is in equal proportion to the chance a close relative, friend, or cow-orker will read it. ---
**Author:** ![Bean\_Counter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/db5fbb/32.png) [@Bean\_Counter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bean_Counter)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2001, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/47 "2001-08-30T16:45:41Z")
**Beaner’s Addendum to Godwin’s Law** For any debate, if Nazis or Hitler references are avoided, the probability of another nonpolitically-correct title (homophobe, racist, bigot) being used increases by a factor of 1.33 to Godwin’s probability. ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2001, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/48 "2001-09-01T18:32:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Enderw24 \* > \*\*Call it Ender’s Law: > > Posters that refer to their sigs within a post will forget to add said sigs to the end of their post. > > Simple, but true. Any others? \*\* On some message boards, you have to remember to _leave off_ your sigs. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2001, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/49 "2001-09-01T20:32:19Z")
**Batty’s Law** - Any poster who mentions he lives in Alabama will be asked within 3 posts if he ever fucked his cousin. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2001, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/50 "2001-09-02T15:21:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pcubed \* > **…tripe volcano…** Man alive, if that doesn’t just roll off the tongue. Tripe volcano, I’ve _got_ to use that sometime soon. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Raven\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@The\_Raven\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Raven_1)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2001, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/51 "2001-09-03T03:05:35Z")
> [@](#): > > If you have to question whether you should post, **don’t…** -Rav ---
**Author:** ![Triskadecamus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b19c9b/32.png) [@Triskadecamus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triskadecamus)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2001, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/52 "2001-09-03T03:52:36Z")
Posters with screen names exactly thirteen letters long will abbreviate their own names. ## Tris " It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure." ~ Horace ~ ---
**Author:** ![Jeremytt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/839c29/32.png) [@Jeremytt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeremytt)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2001, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/53 "2001-09-03T18:16:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SPOOFE \* > \*\*SPOOFE’s Laws: > > A person who asks for a cite will be asked for a cite. \*\* This seems to be more Gaudere’s Law than any other. I had been involved some time ago in a thread with Mr. Gaudere. It was an odd experience. Mr. Gaudere and all his ilk, after spending most of their lives looking at data, charts, and sites, seem to view the world only through this veil of concrete reasoning. This is fine, as far as it goes, but it leaves any attempt at abstract reasoning in the cold. Who among us thinks tunnel vision is a good thing? Reliance on cold data (and cites!) might have its use, but it gets kinda boring in day to day life. Evision this: “Honey, I love you.” “Can you give me a cite”?. ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2001, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/54 "2001-09-03T19:08:06Z")
**Dr. J’s Law:** There is no such thing as a true double post. It will invariably be followed by a third post along the lines of, “Gee, how’d that happen?” or “I only hit ‘reply’ once, I promise.” Dr. J ---
**Author:** ![DKW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dkw/32/3118_2.png) [@DKW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DKW)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2001, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/55 "2001-09-03T20:22:16Z")
- Any example you provide to make your point which is so much as a _hair_ off will be jumped on and harped about endlessly. This despite the fact that you only provided it as a freaking _example_, not the whole point of the OP. - The more points you make in the OP, the greater the chance that some dolt is going to focus obsessively on ONE point he/she disagrees with and _completely ignore the rest_. - Any Great Debate which goes on long enough will turn into a bunch of posters making the same damn points over and over and over, with nobody budging even a micron. - There is no such thing as a rational video game discussion. - If a poster isn’t who (s)he claims to be, no matter how flaming obvious this is, some blowhard will inevitably make an enormous act about how (s)he wasn’t fooled. (“YOU’RE not Tara Lipinski!! Tara Lipinski is at the _Olympics_ right now and doesn’t have TIME to post to this message board!!!”) - Unmoderated board = tons of random, pointless spewage. - Sacred cows…things that you will get a bazillion flames if you make even the tiniest criticism of them…are never what you expect them to be. (Man, all those wasted hours on the Improfanfic board…) ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2001, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/56 "2001-09-04T20:45:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jeremytt \* > **Mr. Gaudere and all his ilk** **Gaudere** is a woman. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2001, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/57 "2001-09-04T23:10:45Z")
The Hecubus Principle Any poster with a gender ambiguous board name will invariably be referred to in the wrong gender. ---
**Author:** ![Syzygy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Syzygy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syzygy)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2001, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/58 "2001-09-05T21:59:39Z")
The **Law of Applied Knowledge** : Your knowledge of a particular subject is inversely proportional to your chances of noticing a thread that discusses that very subject before the OP’s question is answered by other Dopers. ---
**Author:** ![Strainger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strainger/32/244_2.png) [@Strainger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strainger)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2001, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/59 "2001-09-05T23:12:37Z")
Strainger’s Law: The more creative and witty you think your OP is, the fewer responses it will receive. ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2001, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305/60 "2001-09-05T23:28:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Manservant Hecubus \* > \*\*The Hecubus Principle > > Any poster with a gender ambiguous board name will invariably be referred to in the wrong gender. \*\* That’s a pretty cynical thing to say, lady. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gauderes-law-my-ptootie/77305.md?page=4)