# Gay Dates????? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 12, 2003, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989 "2003-07-12T16:27:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![raisinbread](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8491ac/32.png) [@raisinbread](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raisinbread)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2003, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/1 "2003-07-12T16:27:43Z")
How exactly do gay people figure out who pays on the date? Who holds open the door? Do you just argue like the polite gophers from the old Warner Brothers cartoons with “No, no, no, I insist” and “Oh no, after you”? Are there visual cues? Flip a coin? The individual who asked the other one out pays? Alternate on dates? ---
**Author:** ![urban1a](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e47c2d/32.png) [@urban1a](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/urban1a)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2003, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/2 "2003-07-12T16:45:12Z")
All my dates are dutch. Each pays his own way, opens his own doors, etc. Special outings may be different, though. For birthdays or anniversaries, one may pay the tab entirely. Others may have different experiences, though. Bob ---
**Author:** ![urban1a](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e47c2d/32.png) [@urban1a](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/urban1a)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2003, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/3 "2003-07-12T16:46:37Z")
A more interesting question is how to dance. Who leads? Who follows? In the straight world, it’s obvious who is the follow (the woman). In the gay world, it is much more different. Bob ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2003, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/4 "2003-07-12T17:33:58Z")
I’ve always “gone dutch” on my dates, whether on a date with a man or a woman. The exception being, as **urban** pointed out, special occasions like birthdays, or if the invitation was explicit like “I would like to treat you to dinner tonight.” As for dancing, since I’ve never been ballroom dancing _ever_ (aside from drunken polkas during Oktoberfest), the issue of “who leads” rarely comes up in the clubbing scene of this day and age. I know a lesbian who has taken ballroom dancing classes and the gender split is rarely fifty/fifty (mostly it’s women taking lessons) so even the straight gals have to dance with straight gals and it’s the instructor who decides who gets to lead. ---
**Author:** ![urban1a](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e47c2d/32.png) [@urban1a](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/urban1a)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2003, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/5 "2003-07-12T17:45:07Z")
Yeah, I should have mentioned that the dancing thing only applies to ballroom type stuff; the only dancing that is worthwhile, IMHO. There is nothing like holding your partner. Bob ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2003, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/6 "2003-07-12T17:54:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by urban1z \* > \*\*Yeah, I should have mentioned that the dancing thing only applies to ballroom type stuff; the only dancing that is worthwhile, IMHO. There is nothing like holding your partner. > > Bob \*\* Yeah, I always love watching older couples dance – when “dancing” meant you actually had to “move as one” in a partnership of movement and grace with complex steps require actual skill and coordination – today it’s more like gyrating in front of one another. My freind who takes ballroom dancing says in her classes, if the instructor does decide who leads then you simply ask “hey, can I lead now?” (And she says that learning how to lead has mae a huge difference because by learning to lead she learned how to follow better.) ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2003, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/7 "2003-07-12T18:08:41Z")
In certain circles, it’s the “top” who pays, and the “bottom” opens the door. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2003, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/8 "2003-07-12T18:14:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by panache45 \* > \*\*In certain circles, it’s the “top” who pays, and the “bottom” opens the door. \*\* I’ve never been on a gay date but I’d imagine that the one who does the asking would pay on the first date. Haj ---
**Author:** ![pizzabrat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e9c0ed/32.png) [@pizzabrat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pizzabrat)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2003, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/9 "2003-07-12T18:34:23Z")
No, it’s like the gophers. That’s what they based them on. ---
**Author:** ![lel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8797f3/32.png) [@lel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lel)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2003, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/10 "2003-07-12T19:20:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by raisinbread \* > **How exactly do gay people figure out who pays on the date? Who holds open the door? > Do you just argue like the polite gophers from the old Warner Brothers cartoons with “No, no, no, I insist” and “Oh no, after you”? Are there visual cues? Flip a coin? The individual who asked the other one out pays? Alternate on dates?** How is this different from dates between people of different genders? Is there still some convention which says that a person of a certain gender must pay for dates or open doors if the dating persons are of different genders? Personally, I’m a fan of alternating who pays for which date and having the person that gets to the door first open it, no matter what the gender of the persons in the dating couple may be. ---
**Author:** ![rainbowskittle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed8c4c/32.png) [@rainbowskittle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rainbowskittle)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2003, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/11 "2003-07-12T19:28:39Z")
In my experience, it all depends on who’s more masculine (or more polite). Or if i pick up the bill now, you pick it up next time. It’s all an understood kinda thing… ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2003, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/12 "2003-07-12T21:46:38Z")
Well, when I was 19, no one would let me pick up the check or even pay for my half. Now, I still get a bit of that, but generally go dutch. They invariably go for the door because I’m walking with a cane. ---
**Author:** ![bagkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ab992/32.png) [@bagkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bagkitty)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2003, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/13 "2003-07-12T21:52:21Z")
_I have been waiting for soooooo long to use this quote…_ “Hey, I came out before AIDS… what is this dating crap?” ---
**Author:** ![Cruktar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d9b06d/32.png) [@Cruktar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cruktar)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2003, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/14 "2003-07-12T22:26:28Z")
My guy and I usually decide on the phone beforehand. It’s something along the lines of “I’ll buy dinner, you buy the movie tickets.” Also, whoever can reach for the ticket first gets it. ---
**Author:** ![gotpasswords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c57346/32.png) [@gotpasswords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gotpasswords)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/15 "2003-07-13T03:55:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by urban1z \* > \*\*A more interesting question is how to dance. Who leads? Who follows? In the straight world, it’s obvious who is the follow (the woman). In the gay world, it is much more different. > > Bob \*\* With my friends that two-step, it’s more a question of who’s a lead and who’s a follow. Best way I can explain it is that it’s two different skill sets. But, it’s that way whether you’re gay or straight. ---
**Author:** ![CadburyAngel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c2a13f/32.png) [@CadburyAngel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CadburyAngel)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/16 "2003-07-13T06:25:43Z")
Well, life is sometimes simplified by waitresses assuming you’re two friends hanging out and giving you separate checks automatically. ---
**Author:** ![Aholibah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Aholibah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aholibah)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/17 "2003-07-13T18:37:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by raisinbread \* > \*\* . . .like the polite gophers from the old Warner Brothers cartoons with “No, no, no, I insist” and “Oh no, after you”? \*\* > [@](#): > > No, it’s like the gophers. That’s what they based them on. [hijack] They’re CHIPMUNKS, dammit! 🆒 [/hijack] Also, what **lel**. Straight woman in her early 30s checking in here to tell you that I’ve never expected the man I was dating to pay all the time. I’m much more comfortable trying to keep it pretty even over time. ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/18 "2003-07-13T18:51:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Aholibah \* > \*\*[hijack] > > They’re CHIPMUNKS, dammit! 🆒 > > [/hijack] > > Also, what **lel**. Straight woman in her early 30s checking in here to tell you that I’ve never expected the man I was dating to pay all the time. I’m much more comfortable trying to keep it pretty even over time. \*\* Wrong. They are the Goofy Gophers. Why would Chipmunks live underground? I think you are confusing them for Chip ‘n’ Dale. ---
**Author:** ![Freyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freyr/32/5763_2.png) [@Freyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freyr)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/19 "2003-07-13T23:02:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gotpasswords \* > \*\*With my friends that two-step, it’s more a question of who’s a lead and who’s a follow. Best way I can explain it is that it’s two different skill sets. But, it’s that way whether you’re gay or straight. \*\* In square dancing, you have leads and follows, too. At Mainstream level, there are some 72 different calls, which are mainly mirror images of each other, **except** for **5**!! For those 5 calls, you **must** know what to do. Luckily, I’m what we can bi-dansual (I can dance both positions) and know which way my skirt is swishing! 😃 As for the OP, my experience shows it’s either worked out ahead of time or done as **Cruktar** ; “I’ll pick up dinner, you get the movie tickets.” ---
**Author:** ![GrandfatherTrout](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f17d59/32.png) [@GrandfatherTrout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandfatherTrout)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2003, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gay-dates/187989/20 "2003-07-14T05:39:27Z")
In our case, the Fabulous Boyfriend is the one who really knows what he’s doing on the dance floor. He knew how to lead going into the relationship; because I didn’t really know ballroom dancing at all, it was easiest for both of us if I learned to be the ‘follower.’ Having accomplished that, we now regularly show up our loved ones at wedding receptions. 😃 Recently, I’ve had to learn how to lead, too, so that I don’t humiliate myself when somebody’s mom demands that I take her for a spin 'round the floor. As soon as the FB learns to follow, we’ll really be in business…