# Gays: Is it hard for you to be gender specific? (SO related) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 21, 2006, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gays-is-it-hard-for-you-to-be-gender-specific-so-related/349257 "2006-03-21T05:55:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gays-is-it-hard-for-you-to-be-gender-specific-so-related/349257/1 "2006-03-21T05:55:18Z")
So I just got through watching an interview with Elton John. The topic of conversation was (romantic) relationships. Through out the entire interview I noticed that not once did he refer to any of his past relationships as “him” or “he” etc… He always refered to them as “That special some one” (or something similar) I can’t give any specific examples off the top of my head right now; But it seems whenever I see an interview like this or read about one; they always seemingly do the same thing. So it just got me currious: Is it hard to be gender spoecific? Even if your openly gay? If so, why? I can guess in my head as to probably why, but I’d like to hear peoples thoughts on this. ---
**Author:** ![TJdude825](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dec6dc/32.png) [@TJdude825](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TJdude825)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gays-is-it-hard-for-you-to-be-gender-specific-so-related/349257/2 "2006-03-21T07:05:02Z")
Maybe he was just trying to say things in a way that would make sense to most people, focusing on the fact that he’d had relationships, rather than on the fact that he’s gay. I believe that far less people would be homophobic if they thought of gay people as being more like themselves, and maybe Elton agrees. ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gays-is-it-hard-for-you-to-be-gender-specific-so-related/349257/3 "2006-03-21T07:10:49Z")
When I’m around people that I’m not out to I’ll sometimes talk about my ex-girlfriends but avoid using any gender pronouns. At first it was hard but then I got so used to it I find myself doing it around people I don’t have to hide my orientation from. Perhaps it was the same with Elton. ---
**Author:** ![Sophistry\_and\_Illusion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Sophistry\_and\_Illusion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sophistry_and_Illusion)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gays-is-it-hard-for-you-to-be-gender-specific-so-related/349257/4 "2006-03-21T07:18:45Z")
Had a similar experience with a job candidate once when I was working in Alabama. We were hanging out informally and he would talk about his SO, never using a gender-specific pronoun. Indeed, it was remarkable–he would get to a point in a sentence where I would think, “There is no way to avoid using a gender-specific pronoun now,” but then through some extremely inventive locution he would maintain gender-neutrality. We figured he was gay, though we didn’t care, but we also figured that he thought we might care since we were in Alabama. Too bad. ---
**Author:** ![Walloon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/fbc32d/32.png) [@Walloon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walloon)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gays-is-it-hard-for-you-to-be-gender-specific-so-related/349257/5 "2006-03-21T07:23:47Z")
> [@TJdude825](#): > > I believe that far less people would be homophobic if they thought of gay people as being more like themselves, and maybe Elton agrees. Somehow I doubt anyone other than Elton John will ever think of Elton John as like himself. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 8:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gays-is-it-hard-for-you-to-be-gender-specific-so-related/349257/6 "2006-03-21T08:22:54Z")
The only pronoun problem I have is when I’m referring to a friend who’s a part-time drag performer. I have to switch pronouns, depending on whether (s)he’s “dressed.” I remember before I came out, how habitual it became not to use gender-specific pronouns. I guess with some people that habit remains, even after they’ve come out. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/46a35a/32.png) [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_T-Bonham.net)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gays-is-it-hard-for-you-to-be-gender-specific-so-related/349257/7 "2006-03-21T09:54:15Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > I remember before I came out, how habitual it became not to use gender-specific pronouns. I guess with some people that habit remains, even after they’ve come out. This is probably the case with Elton. Remember that he spent years denying that he was gay, then saying he was bi, before finally coming out. It really does take a while to get over habits like that. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gays-is-it-hard-for-you-to-be-gender-specific-so-related/349257/8 "2006-03-21T16:19:32Z")
It’s no problem for me at all. I quit caring many years ago who knew that I was gay. Anyone that has issue with the gender of my SO is probably not someone I would want to be around anyway. ---
**Author:** ![dolphinboy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dolphinboy/32/330_2.png) [@dolphinboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dolphinboy)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gays-is-it-hard-for-you-to-be-gender-specific-so-related/349257/9 "2006-03-21T20:43:03Z")
I actually had a chance to meet and observe Elton long before he came out… in fact even before we was “married”. It was at a Watford football match and I was able to observe him from a few feet away for quite some time. Although he was periodically being hit on by women at the match, most locals actually took it all in stride and didn’t bother him at all. It was a while ago, but if I remember correctly he was surrounded by young men at the time, but I didn’t read anything into that at the time. In answer to the OP, I would think that given his fame he has to be very careful how he answers such questions. While most people accept who he is, and appreciate him for the good works he does, I think some might feel uncomfortable if he was too open about his personal life. I would guess that he talks the way he does so as to not make anyone feel uncomfortable. It would be a great question to ask him privately. ---
**Author:** ![Jeeves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/73ab20/32.png) [@Jeeves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeeves)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gays-is-it-hard-for-you-to-be-gender-specific-so-related/349257/10 "2006-03-22T00:57:45Z")
I have a hard time using gender specific pronouns a lot of the time. I am out, but for some reason I have a hard time being specific when someone doesn’t know, so unless something specific comes up, like whats their name, you probably wouldn’t know for sure. I am trying to get better about being specific though, becuase I have no reason to hide and don’t like doing it. Though my Advisor at school asked me, while I was taking a test in his class mind you, if I was married, based on my ring. I said yes, but since I was taking a test! I just kept taking the test and did no elaborate. Now, it hasn’t come up and I feel a little awkward, since I really have no idea how he will react and I can’t afford to alienate him. ---
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gays-is-it-hard-for-you-to-be-gender-specific-so-related/349257/11 "2006-03-22T01:19:54Z")
> [@dolphinboy](#): > > I actually had a chance to meet and observe Elton long before he came out… in fact even before we was “married”. You’re married to Elton John?!? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![TJdude825](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dec6dc/32.png) [@TJdude825](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TJdude825)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gays-is-it-hard-for-you-to-be-gender-specific-so-related/349257/12 "2006-03-22T02:56:26Z")
> [@Walloon](#): > > Somehow I doubt anyone other than Elton John will ever think of Elton John as like himself. Fair enough. But I mean, hopefully the difference isn’t because he’s gay and you’re not. Know what I mean?