# Genital comparison shopping **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 13, 2002, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205 "2002-09-13T02:01:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![squeegee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/squeegee/32/14537_2.png) [@squeegee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squeegee)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/1 "2002-09-13T02:01:12Z")
OK, help me out here. I’m shopping for some genitals, and haven’t decided on the model yet. I want to make sure I’m comfortable with my decision and have been comparing features. This isn’t an authorative list, just off the top of my head. Please add if I’ve missed anything: _Penis_, Pros:[ul][li]stand up to pee[/li][/ul] _Penis_, Cons:[ul][li]Easily injured (e.g sports)[/li][li]Older models less active[/li][li]Prostate cancer[/ul][/li] _Vagina_, Pros:[ul][li]Can produce offspring[/li][li]Multiple orgasms (optional)[/li][li]Less easily harmed, v. penis[/ul][/li] _Vagina_, Cons:[ul][li]Sit down to pee[/li][li]Menstruation[/li][li]Childbirth[/li][li]Prone to bladder infections[/li][li]Hysterectomy[/li][/ul] Hmmm. _Vagina_ seems to have some very attractive features, especially reproduction and multiple orgasms (if so equipped). But it looks like _Penis_ is easier to maintain and more convenient in use. On the other hand, I’ve heard _Penis_ has the ability to think for itself and even make decisions for the owner; I’m not sure I feel comfortable with this feature – does _Vagina_ do this as well? Any proud owners who can share thier experiences would be great. I’d also like to know if there are other alternatives to _Penis_ and _Vagina_. Thanks for any help. I really want to make the right choice and be happy with the genitals I purchase. ---
**Author:** ![Ringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/779978/32.png) [@Ringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ringo)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/2 "2002-09-13T03:18:08Z")
So, are you getting them for yourself, or is this a Christmas present? Frankly, to my eye, neither choice is particularly aesthetically superior. But a penis has a definite edge in the maintenance department. It _will_ come with that pesky thinkin’ on its own problem though (and, yes, vaginas do that as well, just not to quite the same degree). That problem _can_ be controlled; with things such as Catholicism (doesn’t work quite as well as it used to), alcohol (large doses required, as initial applications just make the problem worse) and, as a last resort, child support. Have you thought about the options? 2º characteristics usually accompany the choice of genitals (I’m still curious about the plural here). What’ll it be, boobs and a bra, or a shave in the morning? ---
**Author:** ![squeegee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/squeegee/32/14537_2.png) [@squeegee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squeegee)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/3 "2002-09-13T03:45:46Z")
Ohmigosh :smack: – there’s _secondary_ sexual characterics, too!? Breasts seem kind of sporty, if not much added value for the wearer; I hadn’t really considered owning a pair. Are they optional equipment with _Vagina_? I’ve heard you can get a pair after-market if you own _Penis_, but haven’t seen any product literature on specs & features. Do they do anything except lactate? Any drawbacks? I’m definitely down on the beard option. I don’t know what marketing genius came up with that silly idea. Has anyone seen Consumer Reports’ “ **The 2002 Genitals** ”? How is _Penis_ rated versus _Vagina?_ ---
**Author:** ![Genseric](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Genseric](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Genseric)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/4 "2002-09-13T03:59:01Z")
What’s the status on upgrades for current owners? ---
**Author:** ![squeegee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/squeegee/32/14537_2.png) [@squeegee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squeegee)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/5 "2002-09-13T04:04:19Z")
> [@](#): > > _originally posted by Ringo_ > So, are you getting them for yourself, or is this a Christmas present? For myself. I’ve always wanted genitals, and finally saved up for a set. But the shopping is killing me! Have you ever been to a _Penis_ dealership? The salespeople are kind of, well, you know… ---
**Author:** ![squeegee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/squeegee/32/14537_2.png) [@squeegee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squeegee)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/6 "2002-09-13T04:35:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Genseric \* > What’s the status on upgrades for current owners? Actually, and this shocked the heck out of me: genitals are generally purchased _with no warranty or support whatsoever_!! The _Vagina_ salesperson seemed quite surprised that I had even asked! The impression I recieved was that it’s “just not done”. WTF? ---
**Author:** ![lee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lee/32/7455_2.png) [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/7 "2002-09-13T04:37:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by squeegee \* > \*\*Ohmigosh :smack: – there’s _secondary_ sexual characterics, too!? > > Breasts seem kind of sporty, if not much added value for the wearer; I hadn’t really considered owning a pair. Are they optional equipment with _Vagina_? I’ve heard you can get a pair after-market if you own _Penis_, but haven’t seen any product literature on specs & features. Do they do anything except lactate? Any drawbacks? > > I’m definitely down on the beard option. I don’t know what marketing genius came up with that silly idea. > > Has anyone seen Consumer Reports’ “ **The 2002 Genitals** ”? How is _Penis_ rated versus _Vagina?_ \*\* Breasts can be added after market. There are 2 categories, extrinsic and intrinsic. The Extrinsic are removable and offer not much in the way of usefulness, but do have a sporty look. WARNING! may fall out in parking lots! The intrinsic variey come in three types, home grown, custombuilt, and a combo d.i.y./pro-built. The home grown variety are acquired by taking little purple pills. They take time, but not only do they look sporty, they are quite sensitive and at least one pair seemed to add the multiple orgasm feature. Nipples grow with the breast for a nice decorative touch. Custom built are surgically applied and do not generally come with the nipple enhancement. These techniques may be combined in the d.i.y./pro-built, but the sensitivity gained by the d.i.y. can be lost due to the pro-built addition. The beard option is especially annoying to uninstall. ---
**Author:** ![lee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lee/32/7455_2.png) [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/8 "2002-09-13T04:43:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by squeegee \* > \*\*Actually, and this shocked the heck out of me: genitals are generally purchased _with no warranty or support whatsoever_!! The _Vagina_ salesperson seemed quite surprised that I had even asked! The impression I recieved was that it’s “just not done”. WTF? \*\* Although not covered by warranty upgrade from Penis to Vagina is available and new owners are oftne pleased by the change. Upgrade from Vagina to Penis are currently available, but are plagued by Q.C. issues. Progress was recently reported in mice. ---
**Author:** ![LindyHopper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@LindyHopper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LindyHopper)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/9 "2002-09-13T04:44:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by squeegee \* > \*\*Have you ever been to a _Penis_ dealership? The salespeople are kind of, well, you know… \*\* Dickheads? :d&r: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![squeegee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/squeegee/32/14537_2.png) [@squeegee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squeegee)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/10 "2002-09-13T05:26:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LindyHopper \* > Dickheads? Exactly! Although I have heard worse about the _Vagina_ salespeople. I’m not going there. ---
**Author:** ![Genseric](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Genseric](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Genseric)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/11 "2002-09-13T05:41:06Z")
No service plan, at all? Damn, I wanted to shorten my hogleg some, since it causes such terrible back strain, and knee bruises. Y’know, that’s all I meant. ---
**Author:** ![kevja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/aeb1de/32.png) [@kevja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kevja)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/12 "2002-09-13T06:01:56Z")
hey, it’s not just the penis. you should plan on getting a good pair of testicles set in a nice scrotum to go with it. ---
**Author:** ![Genseric](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Genseric](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Genseric)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/13 "2002-09-13T06:25:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kevja \* > \*\*hey, it’s not just the penis. you should plan on getting a good pair of testicles set in a nice scrotum to go with it. \*\* I agree, definitely go for the nice scrotum. One of my Rules To Live By, “Never settle for the bargain scrotum.” ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/14 "2002-09-13T06:43:31Z")
Get the penis. It’s mighter than the sword. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/15 "2002-09-13T12:32:47Z")
Before you buy, think about what you’ll be doing with it. I mean, some people think that a penis can only be used with another person’s vagina and vice versa. If you want to use a penis with another person’s penis, or vice versa, you’re in for major problems. ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/16 "2002-09-13T12:48:17Z")
**Squeege** , Additional key pros and cons to take into consideration: Penis - \*Con - \* Very difficult to stop mid-stream (unless you keep support muscles in top condition) _Pro or Con, YMMV_ - Installation of all of the Penis models that I am aware of require that some or all of your CPU (aka, “the Brain”) be wired directly through the Penis. In other words, the Penis actually assumes the role of controlling thought and body function for a large marjority of users. Control over thought processes and basic motor skills are only returned to the brain under exceptional conditions… \*Con - \* Although the Vagina seems to general require more actual maintenance, the Penis, given its role in governing thought processes, actually occupies a signifcant portion of its owner’s time and energy, especially those owners who have anything smaller than a mid-size model. Compact, sub-compact and economy sized Penises often end being more trouble than they are worth, maintenance-wise. ---
**Author:** ![Baldwin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baldwin/32/7264_2.png) [@Baldwin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baldwin)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/17 "2002-09-13T13:14:36Z")
Those accessory _Testicles_ can be a pain; for some reason, they’re incredibly sensitive and can be very painful if struck, yet they’re hung on the outside of the body, instead of being stowed inside like the _Ovaries_ (see _Vagina Accessories_). ---
**Author:** ![bloomingpouf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@bloomingpouf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bloomingpouf)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/18 "2002-09-13T13:48:14Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by squeegee \* \*\*OK, help me out here. I’m shopping for some genitals, and haven’t decided on the model yet. \*\* Well Try these for size > **[Home](https://neuticles.com)** > > Neuticles has provided proven, humane solutions for pets, their caring owners, and veterinarians for over a quarter century. Why only listen to your doctor when you can get Neuticals big enough for any ego! ---
**Author:** ![xash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/c6cbf5/32.png) [@xash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xash)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/19 "2002-09-13T14:14:15Z")
i called up Microsoft, but they said i wasn’t covered for on-site warranty for my factory installed penis. i’ll have to go over they say… anyone know where i could get a good deal on an on-site warranty ? prefereably one that sends in a good vagina to test with ? ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2002, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/20 "2002-09-13T14:15:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ringo \* > **So, are you getting them for yourself, or is this a Christmas present?** This is quite an important consideration; the penis is much easier to gift wrap. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205.md?page=2)