# Genital comparison shopping **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 13, 2002, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205 "2002-09-13T02:01:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Mudshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@Mudshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mudshark)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/41 "2002-09-14T00:45:28Z")
I would get a spatula instead. Or, you can get a penis. I’ve had one for 16 years and am very happy with it. ---
**Author:** ![Mudshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@Mudshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mudshark)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/42 "2002-09-14T00:47:51Z")
Yes, another thing, with most vaginas you get two large blobs of fat for your chest called breasts. With a penis, you generally get subcompact model breasts. ---
**Author:** ![ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZombiesAteMyBrain)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/43 "2002-09-14T00:53:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mudshark \* > \*\*Yes, another thing, with most vaginas you get two large blobs of fat for your chest called breasts. With a penis, you generally get subcompact model breasts. \*\* Dunno about that - look at Meat Loaf!!! He’s got whopping big breasts!!! ---
**Author:** ![lauramarlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a5b964/32.png) [@lauramarlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lauramarlane)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/44 "2002-09-14T01:44:31Z")
> [@](#): > > If it’s bleeding monthly, perhaps you didn’t have it installed correctly. Look for loose seems at the attachment area. If this is a problem with all owners of vaginas I would say there is likely a faulty seal in there somewhere that is causing this type of leakage. It’s the O rings. We’ve been waiting for that service pack for years! I’ve owned the vagina/breast combo for almost 35 years now and they’ve been just wonderful for me. While the mood swings are problematic occasionally, it always gives you something to blame the sucky days on. While I’ve taken a few penises on approval, I was never really sold on them for myself. The vagina has the multiple orgasm option and that really sold me on the whole thing–there’s no going back after you’ve had five or six in a row! ---
**Author:** ![ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZombiesAteMyBrain)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/45 "2002-09-14T01:59:36Z")
The vagina has the multiple orgasm option and that really sold me on the whole thing–there’s no going back after you’ve had five or six in a row! \*\* [/QUOTE] Yeah - it has its advantages - but with a penis I wouldn’t have to bother with those bloody monthly services!!! Seems a penis would be much lower maintenance!! ---
**Author:** ![squeegee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/squeegee/32/14537_2.png) [@squeegee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squeegee)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/46 "2002-09-14T05:10:46Z")
Thanks to everyone for all the tips & advice on genitals. I’m still very confused and having a hard time making a decision. It’s the options choices that are killing me. I still haven’t gotten a good answer on how useful breasts are – are they just a fit & finish option, or actually useful to own? Lactation seems nice, but there’s a grocery store close to my home, so food manufacturing doesn’t seem all that necessary. Can I lactate beer or wine? Perhaps a mocha now and then? And scrota are just too odd for words. Can I get _Penis_ without these? Sorry, I just didn’t have the balls to ask the _Penis_ dealer. I’ve considered ordering both _Penis_ **and** _Vagina_ and just returning the unused portion, so to speak. But I’m also afraid that if I have both installed someone might tell me to go F oh never mind… Now I’m a little down on the idea of genitals, once I found out that **most of the features take 1-2 _decades_ to start working**. Jeez, that is one heck of a break-in period! Maybe I’ll just buy a piano instead. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/47 "2002-09-14T05:49:04Z")
_Maybe I’ll just buy a piano instead._ Well, you could kill two birds with one stone and get an **organ**. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Genseric](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Genseric](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Genseric)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/48 "2002-09-14T06:10:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by squeegee \* > \*\* > > Now I’m a little down on the idea of genitals, once I found out that **most of the features take 1-2 _decades_ to start working**. Jeez, that is one heck of a break-in period! > \*\* This is true. Also regarding the previously mentioned “removable cover”. I had mine removed, and was unable to walk for the next year. Fair Warning. ---
**Author:** ![squeegee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/squeegee/32/14537_2.png) [@squeegee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squeegee)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/49 "2002-09-14T07:10:24Z")
Hmmm, I see that the _Penis_ industry has been in business for [quite some time](http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&cid=570&ncid=753&e=1&u=/nm/20020913/sc_nm/science_penis_dc), which tells me the product has been through many improvements. BTW, there’s a great custom genital idea in the same article: > [@](#): > > An ostracod…doesn’t have one penis, it has two. There’s an idea – get two! Although I’m not sure why this would be useful. What would you do with two _Penis_es? ---
**Author:** ![LokiTheDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6f9a4e/32.png) [@LokiTheDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LokiTheDog)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/50 "2002-09-14T07:58:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dorkusmalorkusmafia \* > \*\*Symplicity said, “There is nothing to be said in favor of the seeing red monthly.” > > If it’s bleeding monthly, perhaps you didn’t have it installed correctly. Look for loose seems at the attachment area. If this is a problem with all owners of vaginas I would say there is likely a faulty seal in there somewhere that is causing this type of leakage. \*\* Actually, there has been a recall. Please bring your vagina in for testing immediately at this address: 1234 Myhouse Rd. Whoseyour PA, 69690 (This recall only affects models dating between 18 and 38 years old, and must be in good working order. Pickup must be made immediately upon completion of test. Will not be held liable for damages.) ---
**Author:** ![ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZombiesAteMyBrain)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/51 "2002-09-14T11:19:20Z")
(This recall only affects models dating between 18 and 38 years old, and must be in good working order. Pickup must be made immediately upon completion of test. Will not be held liable for damages.) \*\* [/QUOTE] Are you government certified for safety testing - I would advise against anyone accepting an upgrade from some cowboy who “Will not be held liable for damages.)” There are enough design problems with this model as it is without allowing some amateur to do a repair thats likely to be a cock-up ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/52 "2002-09-14T12:54:03Z")
Nobody has mentioned that the penis is not guarenteed against \* shrinkage \*. While temporary, it is embarrassing. ---
**Author:** ![\_etalhea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/_/779978/32.png) [@\_etalhea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/_etalhea)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/53 "2002-09-14T15:10:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bryan Ekers \* > \*\*Get the penis. It’s mighter than the sword. \*\* DUDE - May I pleeeeeeeze use this as my new sig line. I am tired of the old one, and this perfect! I’ll be forever grateful. ---
**Author:** ![\_etalhea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/_/779978/32.png) [@\_etalhea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/_etalhea)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/54 "2002-09-14T15:17:23Z")
To the OP, here’s the solution: NEW! From Chernobyl Industries, the Chernobyl 2000 Hybrid genitalia package! That’s right! Now you can experience both sides of the coin with this DELUXE Hermaphroditic Genital Unit! Peeing will never be the same - Stand up, Sit down, YOU choose, with Chernobyl’s built in urine manifold technology, you can use whichever option suits your mood. And let’s talk about sex for a minute! The Chernobyl 2000 brings a whole new meaning to the phrase “Go Fuck Yourself!!” All this, plus our patented Glow-in-the-dark technology. From your friends at Chernobyl Industries. Radiation is your friend. ---
**Author:** ![booklover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/85f322/32.png) [@booklover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/booklover)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/55 "2002-09-14T18:08:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by squeegee \* > \*\*Ohmigosh :smack: – there’s _secondary_ sexual characterics, too!? > > Breasts seem kind of sporty, if not much added value for the wearer; I hadn’t really considered owning a pair. Are they optional equipment with _Vagina_? I’ve heard you can get a pair after-market if you own _Penis_, but haven’t seen any product literature on specs & features. Do they do anything except lactate? Any drawbacks? > \*\* Breasts have a variety of features (sometimes uncontrollable) which the careful consumer should be aware of before investing. While size is easily upgraded, downgrading seems to present more of a technical difficulty. The main drawback of breasts vs. testicles is that breasts are obvious even while the user is clothed. Therefore, the user must take care to present them in an appropriate manner. This leads to the need to purchase a variety of peripheral devices (known colloquially as “bras”) which can be quite expensive. While some breast users are satisfied with the all-purpose standard white bra, others become obsessed with the newest developments in this area and may feel the desire to color-coordinate the bra with outer garments. A sometimes-overlooked feature of the breast is spontaneous nipple erection. Although sometimes appropriate to the situation, it can also cause great embarassment in situations such as staff meetings. There is no known solution for this flaw; the user must simply keep arms crossed until the problem goes away. ---
**Author:** ![ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZombiesAteMyBrain)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/56 "2002-09-14T18:18:18Z")
NIPPLE ERECTION??? WHAT about guys with their even more obvious erections - should they keep their hands folded in their laps till they go away? ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/57 "2002-09-14T18:41:05Z")
While I wouldn’t generally suggest taking advice from Yoko Ono, here’s her thoughts on the subject: I don’t know how men can take themselves seriously. If I had this thing handing from my body that went up and down all by itself, I would always be laughing at myself. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/58 "2002-09-14T18:43:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by booklover \* > \*\* > A sometimes-overlooked feature of the breast is spontaneous nipple erection. Although sometimes appropriate to the situation, it can also cause great embarassment in situations such as staff meetings. There is no known solution for this flaw; the user must simply keep arms crossed until the problem goes away. \*\* Actually, many breast owners have found that a sweater applied to the problem area reduces how noticable the problem is, as well as cuts down on the frequency of those caused by cold weather. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/59 "2002-09-14T19:09:01Z")
Something to keep in mind - bigger isn’t necessarily better - especially when it comes to breasts. Oh, they look nice and perky right out of the package, but think about carrying them around all the time. Then there’s gravity - if you’re not careful, your beautiful, perky breasts will be swinging around your knees. My point is, don’t be swayed by some fast-talking saleman. Think before you buy. ---
**Author:** ![RedDevil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/3ec8ea/32.png) [@RedDevil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedDevil)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205/60 "2002-09-14T20:17:57Z")
FOR SALE 1972 Vagina. One lady owner. Pink. Full MOT and Road Tax. vgc. Call Snatcherton 1234 after 6 and ask for Bob. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/genital-comparison-shopping/128205.md?page=4)