# Gentle Dopers: How important is politeness to you, in the real world? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 25, 2009, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391 "2009-02-25T17:48:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![maladroit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@maladroit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maladroit)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2009, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/41 "2009-02-26T17:53:50Z")
I’m inclined to be polite to everyone. One point I’d like to make is that my husband and I are polite to each other - lots of ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. It’s very important to me, it shows love and respect. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2009, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/42 "2009-02-26T18:41:09Z")
# Gentle Dopers: How important is politeness to you, in the real world? Very. I teach courtesy as one of the life skills in my Taekwondo school. I tell my kids that courtesy is like putting oil on rusty hinges; it makes it a lot easier to open the door. I try to lead by example. I’ll smile, do the empathy thing, etc. It’s amazing how much oil _that_ spreads! I rarely find someone that I can’t connect with. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2009, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/43 "2009-02-26T20:10:21Z")
Courtesy is very important to me, and I try hard to be polite and courteous. I don’t necessarily notice it when someone is rude to me, but I do tend to notice if they’re rude to other people. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2009, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/44 "2009-02-26T21:00:53Z")
Politeness is very important to me. It surprises me how rude women are to each other when guys aren’t around. Very sneaky. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/45 "2009-02-27T02:09:53Z")
> [@maladroit](#): > > I’m inclined to be polite to everyone. One point I’d like to make is that my husband and I are polite to each other - lots of ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. It’s very important to me, it shows love and respect. We are, too. I don’t really get why people aren’t polite to the person nearest and dearest to them. I value politeness - for me it comes from my nature, my choice, and my upbringing. I live in a place that seems to be getting ruder by the day, and I feel myself getting ruder to survive here, and I don’t like that. I agree with you, **Shark Sandwich** , that people mistake good manners for being a pushover. There have been a few family moments where people were pushing my buttons, and the only thing between continued good relations and a family issue were my good manners. Someday we might have to have a talk about how “I’m not interested in discussing that” means “Keep on telling me what to do and get your head bit off.” ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/46 "2009-02-27T02:16:38Z")
> [@fisha](#): > > snip > > When people behave really badly towards others, especially if it is someone who is trying to help you, it is only a testament to their own shitty lives. I always think “probably didn’t get it last night” 😃 I love my pleases and thank yous. Please really is a magic word! ---
**Author:** ![Karyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/fbc32d/32.png) [@Karyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karyn)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/47 "2009-02-27T13:22:09Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > Someday we might have to have a talk about how “I’m not interested in discussing that” means “Keep on telling me what to do and get your head bit off.” My sister is big on pushy in-your-face bad advice and it irritates the hell out of me because when I see her my mother is always there and I have to be on my best behavior. The last time that I saw her I got really annoyed and said smarmily “You know, I get so much advice from highly qualified professionals about this that it’s nice to hear the opinion of someone that has no idea what they’re talking about for a change”. The look on her face was great, she opened and closed her moouth a few times and then she finally shut up about it and went away. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/48 "2009-02-27T14:38:50Z")
My boyfriend’s sister-in-law is super pushy. She is what non New yorkers think of when they think of New Yorkers. Cutting in front of traffic, pushing her way to the front of the line, etc. It makes me crazy when she comes up to Albany - we’re a bit more laid-back here, and you needn’t be so pushy! ---
**Author:** ![Walker\_in\_Eternity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/46a35a/32.png) [@Walker\_in\_Eternity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walker_in_Eternity)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/49 "2009-02-27T15:26:29Z")
Polite by nature (or at least programmed at an early age by my parents). I am constantly annoyed by behaviour I regard as rude: Jumping of queues (particularly at bus stops) Spitting Dropping rubbish Impoliteness Lack of acknowledgment of kindness/civility. To name a few. I shall try to maintain my values and follow **Skald’s** example and rise above it. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/50 "2009-02-27T15:29:26Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > No, thank you. But thank you for asking. > > Politeness is important to me, but has become more so since I live in a small town and it might come back to bite me if I am rude to anyone. For me it is just the opposite, actually. Despite the fact that I am really peppy and polite by nature I go out of my way to be polite to strangers on the street. Living in NYC the majority of the people here are pretty nice overall, but occasionally you run into that one nutball who wants to stomp the crap out of you because you stepped on his shoe while crammed together on the subway and didn’t say you were sorry. It is in my best interest to just be offensively nice and polite and avoid said stomping. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/51 "2009-02-27T17:10:19Z")
> [@Walker\_in\_Eternity](#): > > I shall try to maintain my values and follow **Skald’s** example and rise above it. Is it just me, or does that statement sound very, very strange? Now I’m afraid to touch anything. I must have fallen into the anti-matter universe or something. ---
**Author:** ![I\_Have\_Hippos\_In\_My\_Garden](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/4491bb/32.png) [@I\_Have\_Hippos\_In\_My\_Garden](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Have_Hippos_In_My_Garden)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/52 "2009-02-27T20:07:26Z")
Being polite is so so important to me. I make an effort to be polite to everyone I come across, regardless of how well I know them or not. I am a people pleaser and so I guess I’m scared people won’t like me if I’m not overly polite. I’m also perhaps naive in thinking I want the world to be a better place, and in the words of Ghandi ‘You are the change you want to see in the world’. If every person made a little bit of effort towards being polite I wonder how different the world would be. I find it insulting and obtrusive when people aren’t polite. It is one of the reasons I avoid the Pit on the Dope. Most of the posts in there are just plain horrible and I don’t want to read that. However I wouldn’t turn it into a big deal if someone was inpolite to me. I just ignore it and move on. I hope I am humble and I have strong morals. Being polite is a way of getting this across to people. I like smiling in the street to people for no reason. I enjoy watching the reactions I get. ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/53 "2009-02-27T21:06:14Z")
I’m replying to the OP before reading any of the first page’s comments. I want to respond to what is a genuine question that has often concerned me. Being a Southerner, and having been taught as a child to be poilte and civil to others, it is fairly natural for me to make an effort at politeness. But as the years have rolled along it has become more and more the norm for younger people to be if not rude, then more bland and indifferent in their attitude and this makes it harder for me to be more than civil in return. I operate from the flipside of the Golden Rule: Do unto others as they do unto you. Rudeness begets rudeness. Indifference begets indifference. And hostility begets rage. If it’s in a retail environment and the clerk or salesperson is rude, I find a competitor to deal with. If service in an eating establishment is rude, I leave no tip. If it’s worse than rude, I get up and leave – whether or not I have ordered. I do try to allow for crankiness or irritablity in people I have dealt with before. I will even offer some words of concern for their situation. Often that’s enough to get a return smile or some explanation for why their attitude is down that day. But out and out rudeness from strangers is not something I can just ignore. It is best when I can just get away from that situation as quickly as possible. So in a sentence, I see politeness and the lack of it quite significant and important. ---
**Author:** ![Jolly\_Roger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/91b2a8/32.png) [@Jolly\_Roger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jolly_Roger)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/54 "2009-02-27T21:14:48Z")
I always strive to be polite, which at times makes people think I’m a wimp of some kind. Of course, as my wife says, these are people that have never seen me lose my temper. I usually tell people that politeness and consideration for others are the things that make life bearable. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/55 "2009-02-27T22:18:01Z")
> [@mbh](#): > > Back in college, I knew some people who disdained formal courtesies. They fancied that they were Speaking Truth to Power. Mostly they were just being jerks. People who hold their bad manners as badges of honor a definition of honesty should be forced to memorize the following quote: “Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear. Honorifics and formal politeness provide lubrication where people rub together. Often the very young, the untraveled, the naive, the unsophisticated deplore these formalities as “empty,” “meaningless,” or “dishonest,” and scorn to use them. No matter how “pure” their motives, they thereby throw sand into machinery that does not work too well at best.” -Robert Heinlein, Lazarus Long in Time Enough For Love And others should be able to administer mild electric shocks for ever missing _please_, _excuse me_, and _thank you_. ---
**Author:** ![New\_Beginning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@New\_Beginning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/New_Beginning)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/56 "2009-02-27T22:46:14Z")
> [@I\_Have\_Hippos\_In\_My\_Garden](#): > > I am a people pleaser and so I guess I’m scared people won’t like me if I’m not overly polite. I’m also perhaps naive in thinking I want the world to be a better place… I don’t think that’s naive. It actually works. Of course it takes time to get everyone on board. Maybe another 1000 years and we’ll all finally get it and be decent to each other. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angel_of_the_lord/32/2949_2.png) [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angel_of_the_Lord)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/57 "2009-02-27T22:46:23Z")
I try to be polite. I honestly do. And I usually am. But. I have a temper. I don’t deal well with stupidity. And, due to the nature of my job, I deal with lots of stupid people every day. Because it’s work, I have to be polite to them, and I am. Thing is, though, this makes me tense. And there’ve been times where I’ve snapped at people. I’m generally polite, but, sometimes, if I think someone’s done something idiotic, I can be a bit curt. And if someone’s telling me information that’s flat-out _wrong_, and it’s affecting my ability to do what I need to do, I will correct them as many times and with as much force as necessary (to a limited extent; I won’t insult people, and I won’t ask that they do anything that will inconvenience another customer). So, yeah. I’m polite. It’s important to me; I try to smile at cashiers and thank everyone, and wish everyone a good night. I compliment people to their supervisors. I’m also human, and sometimes I’m a little cranky. Sue me. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/58 "2009-02-28T00:16:31Z")
> [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](#): > > I try to be polite. I honestly do. And I usually am. > > But. > > I have a temper. I don’t deal well with stupidity. And, due to the nature of my job, I deal with lots of stupid people every day. Because it’s work, I have to be polite to them, and I am. > > Thing is, though, this makes me tense. And there’ve been times where I’ve snapped at people. I’m generally polite, but, sometimes, if I think someone’s done something idiotic, I can be a bit curt. And if someone’s telling me information that’s flat-out _wrong_, and it’s affecting my ability to do what I need to do, I will correct them as many times and with as much force as necessary (to a limited extent; I won’t insult people, and I won’t ask that they do anything that will inconvenience another customer). > > So, yeah. I’m polite. It’s important to me; I try to smile at cashiers and thank everyone, and wish everyone a good night. I compliment people to their supervisors. I’m also human, and sometimes I’m a little cranky. Sue me. I am constantly trying to make my customers accept that I’m not being rude once our conversation has crossed the line from ‘polite responses’ to ‘forceful, direct instruction’. I am still all please and thank you, but if you are out of warranty, you are out of warranty, and I am going to make that crystal clear in no uncertain terms. I wouldn’t say I lose my temper with these customers, but I am going to cop to being brusque. As for losing my temper, that never happens with customers, but has been known to happen with friends, family and associates. I can do that too, quite nicely, while not crossing the line into disrespect. Still, it sucks to lose my temper. I hate impotent rage, which is what losing my temper always feels like. ETA: Forgot to make the point of my post: My point is, it is not impolite to be a bit curt when curtness is called for. In my opinion. Get to the point, I always say. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391/59 "2009-02-28T00:57:23Z")
> [@Nzinga](#): > > Forgot to make the point of my post: My point is, it is not impolite to be a bit curt when curtness is called for. In my opinion. Get to the point, I always say. Absolutely. Some years ago, I worked for a computer dating service. I did telemarketing for them for some time (save your scorn; we only contacted people who contacted us first), but after a while, I was switched over to the “Feedback” office. This was the office where people would call and tell us about their latest introduction, what was good about it, what was bad about it, etc. One day, I got a call from a woman who was _renowned_ in the office for her snark. For one thing, she was in her 40’s (this was more than 20 years ago) and didn’t want to be introduced to anyone who had ever been in the military. Draft? Hello??) So one day, she called to give feedback, and started reading me the riot act about her latest intro. I tried to be very nice, agreeable, etc. Finally, though, I’d had enough of what was, essentially, her whining. And I said “I’m very sorry, but I have a number of calls waiting to be answered, and I’m interested in talking to you when you can be civil and polite; would you please call me back in a half-hour or so when you’ve calmed down?” I said it with a smile on my face (and therefore in my voice, according to the company’s owner). I disconnected the call. Less than an hour later, she called back, very apologetic, and ready to discuss why her stated ‘requirements’ were not realistic. Turns out, she didn’t want anyone who was _career_ military. Well, that makes it a lot easier, then! In short, sometimes you have to politely, yet firmly, let people know that the manner in which they are treating you is unacceptable, and you don’t get paid enough to tolerate it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gentle-dopers-how-important-is-politeness-to-you-in-the-real-world/487391.md?page=2)