# George Bush Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 11, 2001, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/george-bush-jokes/57533 "2001-03-11T12:50:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2001, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/george-bush-jokes/57533/1 "2001-03-11T12:50:29Z")
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?” Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?” Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!” The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?” Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!” Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?” George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?” St.Peter says, “Come on in George!” ---
**Author:** ![bare](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bare/32/471_2.png) [@bare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bare)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2001, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/george-bush-jokes/57533/2 "2001-03-11T17:51:57Z")
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him was given, he yelled out, “Earthquake!” The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion. Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what his old boss had done. Before the order to shoot was given, Al yelled out, “Tornado!” Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall. The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking “I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall.” As the squad was reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction he grinned and yelled, “Fire!” ---
**Author:** ![FormerlyKnownAsBlank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/4491bb/32.png) [@FormerlyKnownAsBlank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FormerlyKnownAsBlank)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2001, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/george-bush-jokes/57533/3 "2001-03-11T18:06:52Z")
His Veep dies and he has to pick a replacement. He picks his dad, resigns and goes back to Texas. Two months of DC is more than he can stand. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2001, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/george-bush-jokes/57533/4 "2001-03-11T21:08:14Z")
[http://www.derfcity.com/o/coup.html](http://www.derfcity.com/o/coup.html) George Bush Jokes? Sort of redundant don’t you think? ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2001, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/george-bush-jokes/57533/5 "2001-03-22T15:19:32Z")
[steven wright voice] I’d make a joke about Dubya being an April fool, but he was born in July. [/steven wright voice] ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2001, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/george-bush-jokes/57533/6 "2001-03-22T15:35:59Z")
Q: Why did George W. Bush throw his clock out the window? A: Because he wanted to see time fly! Q Why did George W. Bush cut a hole in the rug? A: He wanted to see the floor show! Q: Why did George W. Bush tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? A: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills! Q: Why did George W. Bush jump off the Empire State Building? A: He wanted to make a big hit on Broadway! Q: George W. Bush was on his way to the airport to head for a Republican fund-raiser…why did he turn around and go back to the White House? A: He saw a sign that said “Airport Left” ! ---
**Author:** ![curious\_george](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b487fb/32.png) [@curious\_george](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/curious_george)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2001, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/george-bush-jokes/57533/7 "2001-03-22T17:38:39Z")
His quotes are funny. See the Bushisms link in my sig. ---
**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2001, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/george-bush-jokes/57533/8 "2001-03-23T00:13:18Z")
Bush jokes for all at [http://www.democrats.com](http://www.democrats.com) ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2001, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/george-bush-jokes/57533/9 "2001-03-23T00:52:21Z")
Cheney gets a call from his “boss”, W. ``` "I've got a problem," says W. "What's the matter?" asks Cheney. "Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges." "What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney. "A big rooster," replies W. "All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look." So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at the jigsaw on his desk. Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box." ``` While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent. ``` "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen."Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It¹s me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I¹ll definitely be using that!" Upon returning to Washington, he decides he¹d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker." Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!" ``` As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?” Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are – I never heard of circle flies.” So the farmer says, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of horses.” Bush says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says, “Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?” The farmer says, “Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.” Grinning broadly, Bush says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, “Hard to fool them flies though.” A first grade teacher in the Midwestis explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. “Mary,” says the teacher with surprise, “why didn’t you raise your hand?” Because I’m not a Republican," says Mary. “Well, what are you?” asks the teacher. “I’m a Democrat and proud of it,” replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. “My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?” she asks. “Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I’m a Democrat, too." “Well,” says the teacher in an annoyed tone, “that’s no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don’t always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?” “Then,” Mary smiled, “then we’d be Republicans.” (Offensive, I know, but what can I say? I like it!) On one of his first nights in the White House, Dubya is awakened by the ghost of George Washington. Bush is frightened, but asks: “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Washington advises him: “Be honest above all else and set an honorable example, just as I did.” This makes Bush uncomfortable, but he manages to get back to sleep. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. “Tom,” Dubya asks, “what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Jefferson replies, “Throw away your prepared remarks and speak eloquently and extemporaneously from your heart,” Jefferson advises. Bush isn’t sleeping well at all the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It’s Abraham Lincoln’s ghost and Dubya thinks finally, a Republican, I’ll get some advice that I can use. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asks hopefully. Abe answers: “Go see a play.” Another good one: [http://www.satirewire.com/weblog/bushblog.shtml](http://www.satirewire.com/weblog/bushblog.shtml)