# Get Diagnosed At Dr. Paprika's Drop In Psychiatric Clinic **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 11, 2001, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566 "2001-03-11T19:00:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/21 "2001-03-13T06:31:05Z")
Bye, everybody! ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 9:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/22 "2001-03-13T09:00:12Z")
Okay, I’ll bite… Actually, I’ll do anything she wants… But I like to bite… If she’s okay with that, ya know. ---
**Author:** ![AETBOND417](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/47e85d/32.png) [@AETBOND417](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AETBOND417)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/23 "2001-03-13T15:13:22Z")
s’tI lla so clear now. Thank you so much Doctor! By the way, where did you get your degree? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/24 "2001-03-13T15:59:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dr\_Paprika \* > \*\*I’m not hearing anything about your shameless sexual kinky “virtual” practices. Flattery will get you everywhere. > > \*\* in i daid da dodor as in, i ddnt day exthacly ere. Oh excuse me, where are my manners? I know it’s impolite to talk with my mouth full. What was I saying? When I said the doctor was in, I didn’t say exactly where. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/25 "2001-03-13T16:30:56Z")
Or me. Or me. I just wanted to drop by and say that if you were on daytime television instead of Dr. Laura, all of me would probably watch. Oh, and I want to apply for the job of patient advocate. **Zenster** has recently polished my resume, which I can furnish at your request. I want the office by the window. No, not _that_ window, the one with the two-way smoked mirror that overlooks the doctor’s office. ----:p/ ----///\\ ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/26 "2001-03-14T02:08:17Z")
::Drops the hampster and scrambles into his lab coat before running over to the clinic:: ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/27 "2001-03-14T04:51:38Z")
Hi, everybody! Hmmm… they’re still here! Better get working here. **Scylla** > [@](#): > > Am I nice? What is nice anyway? Why do I need it? Can I have a pill, please? Are you nice? Is Sue Dunhym’s mother a virgin? You’re not nice. The good news is that you don’t need it. Nice people are those who send you a card when you’re feeling so terribly dizzy. Nice people never say anything offensive, but this doesn’t stop them from acting offensively when they are not under the magnifying glass. Nice people don’t drink red wine with chicken or let their kids use words like “unclefucker”. Bland and predictable, nice people eat Chicken a la King and never drink more than two Budweiser’s at one sitting. People are nice when they don’t qualify as interesting, creative, characterhood, nasty or exotic. You don’t need nice. You need medication. You need pills and electroshock therapy and sedation and four post restraints. You’re making things difficult, Scylla. You’re asking too many questions. Our agents are getting concerned, and Muscles is getting steamed. So I’m going to give you a medication called thioridazine. Now, people will tell you this is an anti-psychotic. They’d like you to believe that! What do they now of its pleasant taste and comely appearance? One that can only be appreciated by a Professional. I’d like you to take seventeen each day and see me again in two weeks. Now see my secretary and she’ll book you for breaking and entering and drag you to the padded cell. Get the fuck out. NEXT! **essvee** > [@](#): > > doc, doctor, good doctor p, herr doktor professor paprika, illuminate me. i am in dire need of your diagnostic genius. do i take two red ones and one blue one, or two blue ones and one red one? also, when making a grilled cheese, i shamelessly add another pat of butter when i flip it, even though i know damn well there is enough butter left in the pan already. doc, whats wrong with me? If craziness were cola, you’d be the Royal Crown prince. Your most obvious problem is an eating disorder closer to bulimia than anorexia. You crave butter and fatty foods to try an fill the empty void left by the fact that you failed to properly bond with your mother since she left you in a dumpster behind Vinnie’s meatpacking plant. And these repressed memories occasionally bubble to the surface and make you feel small. You need to embiggen yourself. That’s where the pills come in: the blue ones make you bigger, the red ones make you small. A mixture gives you purple like your puke against the wall. And how dare you come into my office and dirty my precious wall! This is a clear sign of ANGER! And it’s pissing me off. Get out. Don’t come back. I cannot help you until you are ready to help yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/28 "2001-03-14T04:54:47Z")
**Redboss** > [@](#): > > Doctor\_P, I spend too much time here, hanging out, reading what all these brilliant, verbally adroit and charmingly adult people have to say about the world. I’m forever counting the number of letters in their names, and interrupting serious dissertations with pointless observations and queries. > > My question - how do I blow up a cat? There was a thread about this when I first joined, I neglected to read it at the time, and I have been unable to find it since. > > I only ask for information, you know. I’d never do it myself. Even if it WAS easy. Irritability. Confusion. Psychosis. Change of personality. These are the psychistric manifestations of untreated syphilis. Irritable since you are unable to blow up your cat, confused since you cannot find the thread, psychotic since you think the people at the SDMB are adroit and charming. And when I saw you last, you wre asking for recipes to make your cats tuna croquettes and salmon friskies. The good news is that help is available. The bad news is that I’m having a pretty crumy day and was thinking of my stock options rather than listen to you carry on like that. So I’m not going to help you unless (nod, wink) you make it worth my while. I’m listening. Why don’t you think about it and get the fuck of my sofa and back a more secluded part of the waiting room so you don’t gross out the other patrons with those scars. NEXT **choosybeggar** > [@](#): > > Dr P (if that is what you wish that I call you), Why “you” and the rest of “them” continue this charade is quite beyond me. Why I have known this place to be a setup from the getgo. Intriguing personalities, statements that entertain and provoke me, usernames whose origins lie in myth, fantasy, fairy tales, and > silliness: this message board is no more real than the “life” you’ve constructed for me. > > Give up, I will not be taken in. Hmmm… I’m running pretty far behind. You’re feeling a lot of anger that people are trying to pull the wool over your eyes and delude you. The line between reality and fantasy is becoming as dim as a distant black hole. I could try and persuade you that you are wrong, but you aren’t, and you know it. And my bosses are going to be steamed about it, too. So I’m just going to give you an embarrassing diagnosis and hold you involuntarily for psychiatric evaluation by our resident thuggees. Embarasssing… ah, here we go. You are a “frotteur”. From Kaplan and Sadock, “Frotteurism is usually characterized by the male’s rubbing his penis against the buttocks of a fully clothed woman to achieve orgasm. At other times he may use his hands to rub an unsuspecting victim. The acts usually occur in crowded places like subways and buses. The person with frotteurism is usually extremely passive and isolated and this is his only form of sexual gratification.” That should do it. I’ll take care of the snow. **Sofa King** > [@](#): > > I’m trapped in an unhealthy sexual relationship with a bottle of Astroglide. As much as I give, it just seems to me that my lover’s reservoir of like compensation is becoming less and less each day. > What do I do? You could masturbate less often, but this would increase your libido and ultimately, your risk of catching tertiary syphilis. Why exactly do you think your relationship is unhealthy? Your problem is you are a pessimist who insists on seeing the darker side of things… a species not yet described that I shall call “The Killjoy” in an upcoming paper. You insist on seeing the glass as half empty, when in fact, you are simply suffering a visual hallucination. The liquid in the glass seems to be decreasing. If you add liquid to the glass, it will increase. So I’m saying that your partner and you will both benefit if you stick your joo ha in the glass. The Astroglide will achieve orgasm, be more satisfied, and this will bring you together. Your semen will also fill the glass and replenish a decreasing quantity with a natural lubicant. Your real problem is that you’re sort of ugly. Have you and your partner considered drinking lots of alcohol? ---
**Author:** ![rayniday](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecc23a/32.png) [@rayniday](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rayniday)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/29 "2001-03-14T17:15:34Z")
Hey doc. I’m scared of the GD. Thinking about posting there sends me to tears. Reading it isn’t so bad, but when I think about what they might do to me _sniffles_…I’ll keep _sniffle_ my answers to myself! _sobs hysterically_ What kind of poster am I? I think I’m repressed. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/30 "2001-03-14T17:24:23Z")
> [@](#): > > Okay, I’ll bite So does the Mermaid. > [@](#): > > Whre did you get your degree? Hollywood Downstairs School of Psychiatric Stuff and Dancing ---
**Author:** ![Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/soul_brother_number_two/32/3515_2.png) [@Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soul_Brother_Number_Two)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/31 "2001-03-14T18:56:15Z")
doc, i feel better already. i do need to _embiggen_ myself, in more ways than one. can you recommend a reliable penis growth program? and, more to the point, i think i have found a new sig, with yer gracious permission, doc. > [@](#): > > If craziness were cola, you’d be the Royal Crown prince. can i keep it, doc? please? ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2001, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/32 "2001-03-15T15:24:06Z")
**Spider Woman** > [@](#): > > There’s nothing wrong with me. > Or me. Or me. I just wanted to drop by and say that if you were on daytime television instead of Dr. Laura, all of me would probably watch. > > Oh, and I want to apply for the job of patient advocate. Zenster has recently polished my resume, which I can furnish at your request. > > I want the office by the window. No, not that window, the one with the two-way smoked mirror that overlooks the doctor’s office. Nice to meet you three. I’d like to see the memory of the middle one of you, you look a little less blurry than the others. I have some questions I ask all my advocate applicees. Can you spin a web? Any size? Catch crooks? Arrive just in time? **essvee** Yeah, you can keep the sig. Just take all those pens of mine out of your pockets. I saw that. ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2001, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/33 "2001-03-15T16:05:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dr\_Paprika \* > Nice to meet you three. I’d like to see the memory of the middle one of you, you look a little less blurry than the others. I have some questions I ask all my advocate applicees. Can you spin a web? Any size? Catch crooks? Arrive just in time? > \*\* I must be able to spin a good web; they are hanging all over my house. The huge ones seem to be occupied by large spiders and/or ex-husbands and ex-lovers. Do they count as crooks? I always arrive way too early for everything, so I take books along to read while watching the carnage. I would make a very patient advocate. Any more [questions?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=63539) ----:D/ ----///\\ ---
**Author:** ![Redboss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8baadc/32.png) [@Redboss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Redboss)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2001, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/34 "2001-03-16T00:41:54Z")
[brightly]say look doc, here’s a fifty dollar bill I just found on the floor - must be yours![/brightly] [sub]Alright you quack - and there’s more where that came from, if you can make these big red lumps go away.[/sub] Look - these big red lumps! [drops pants] Come over where you can see them better [hobbles towards window, bending over] see? Say, is that a goat out there? ---
**Author:** ![Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/96bed5/32.png) [@Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patty_O_Furniture)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2001, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/35 "2001-03-16T02:35:43Z")
Er, **Redboss** , that’s not the doctor… that’s just a potted cactus the doctor got last year while he was in California visiting Betty Ford and her lovely clinic. In fact the doctor isn’t even in at the moment, he’s very busy renting additional waiting room space. Now pull your pants up and if you can bear to sit down, have a seat in the waiting room next to Spider Woman. Maybe she knows something about those nasty red bites - I mean bumps all over you. And I’ll just hang on to that $50 for the doc. Oh wait- **rayniday** just took that seat. HEY YOU, yeah you rayniday! Get outta that chair. You sound like you’d be more at home curled up under it if you ask me. Oh, and **essvee** , the doctor does not go around just handing out custom sig lines. If you want to take that one home with you, let me know and I will have to make a slight adjustment to your bill. > [@](#): > > can you recommend a reliable penis growth program? You see that closet right there? There’s an industrial strength hoover in there. Just make sure you change the setting from blow to suck, otherwise you’ll end up with an inny instead of an outie. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2001, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/36 "2001-03-16T02:42:05Z")
Attrayant, I don’t pay you enough. ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2001, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/37 "2001-03-16T04:33:48Z")
> [@](#): > > . . .have a seat in the waiting room next to Spider Woman. Maybe she knows something about those nasty red bites - I mean bumps all over you. Let me examine the evidence in this thread. We have three known biters: > [@](#): > > _originally posted by Ed d’Mann_ > But I like to bite… > [@](#): > > _originally posted by Dr\_Paprika_ > So does the Mermaid. And **Zenster** ’s hamster: > [@](#): > > _originally posted by Dr\_Paprika_ > You try to wrestle your hamster when he bites your “pinkie”. I occasionally bite also, but only in the privacy of my own home. I must, in keeping with my hoped for postition of patient advocate, remain ethical and above these base desires. Perhaps **Redboss** backed into Dr\_Cactus. :: daintily flosses fangs and primes proboscis, weaves comfortable cushion under chair for **rayniday** , seals **essvee** in closet with lovely silvery webbing :: ---
**Author:** ![rayniday](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecc23a/32.png) [@rayniday](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rayniday)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2001, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/38 "2001-03-18T23:12:40Z")
_curls up in her nice little cushion_ Thank you so much, **Spider Woman**. At least someone’s watching out for me. _glares unconvincingly at **Attrayant** _ ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2001, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/39 "2001-03-19T00:30:53Z")
Be careful about admiring the cushions too much. You may like them less when you find you can’t sit up. You know, _Step into my parlour said the spider to the fly_ ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2001, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566/40 "2001-03-19T01:42:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dr\_Paprika \* > \*\*Be careful about admiring the cushions too much. You may like them less when you find you can’t sit up. You know, > > _Step into my parlour said the spider to the fly_ > \*\* Sort of akin to the quote by Alice Roosevelt-Longworth: > [@](#): > > If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. ----:D/ ----///\\ ::fluffs **rayniday** ’s cushion thoughtfully:: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-diagnosed-at-dr-paprikas-drop-in-psychiatric-clinic/57566.md?page=3)