# Get your baby's dirty ass off the restaurant table! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 23, 2010, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435 "2010-05-23T03:58:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 14
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/261 "2010-05-25T04:47:58Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Is that the best you can do? Well, THAT’S certainly a devastating comeback. I take it to mean that you admit you changed your standard from “never happened” to “not an everyday occurrence.” But . . . by admitting it, but refusing apparently to acknowledge that it’s a backpedal, you actually backpedal even further. You seem to be suggesting now that “I never backpedalled” should be taken to mean “I only backpedalled a little bit, that one time where I went from ‘never’ to ‘not always’–not enough that you’d notice.” This just gets awesomer and awesomer. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/262 "2010-05-25T04:52:22Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > yeah, diapers are snug proof. They never sag, parents always buy the right size, parents always make sure they on tight. :rolleyes: Why not just keep the kid with the diaper only off the table. Please just for the rest of us. Do what you want at home on your own table, heck let your kid shit all over your table if you want. But when you go to a public restaurant. Keep kids off the tables. > > I caught campylobacter once it put me on my ass for two weeks. One of the potential casues of that is ingesting fecal matter. I tried to remember prior to getting sick if I ate any turd burgers with all the fixings , not that I remember. Just because you can’t see shit on a table doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Micriobology 101 Add to this the possibility–however remote; I don’t care–that the parent who changed the last poopy diaper might well have had fecal bacteria on their hands when they put the kid’s pants back on after changing the diaper. Most parents would probably wash their hands after, but I think there are lots of parents who wouldn’t necessarily wash them between removing the dirty diaper and putting on a clean one, or between changing the diaper and putting the pants back on. Dio, do you rinse your hands in a bleach solution of 14:1 or stronger between every stage of changing your kids’ diapers? (Insert “Is that all you got?” here.) So, big picture? I’m thinking one of the likeliest places you’re going to find fecal bacteria is on the outside of a “clean” pair of baby britches. Again, just the possibility of that is enough to make the rule, No asses on the tables, of ANY age. ---
**Author:** ![ShermanAter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ShermanAter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShermanAter)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/263 "2010-05-25T05:24:06Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > The ass is protected by a diaper. The diapers are pretty snug. There’s really no chance that a clothed baby is going to explosively spew shit through a diaper, through the pants and onto a table. If that does happen, then don’t use that table. You’re still arguing about this? Christ, you are acting obtuse. ---
**Author:** ![Jenaroph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/264 "2010-05-25T05:54:15Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > The ass is protected by a diaper. The diapers are pretty snug. There’s really no chance that a clothed baby is going to explosively spew shit through a diaper, through the pants and onto a table. If that does happen, then don’t use that table. I’ve been pooped on by a nephew who was wearing a diaper and pants. I’ve seen another year old relative running around with poo squooshing out of the back of her diaper like toothpaste before we wrangled her up and changed her. Active kid + big poop = poo escaping diaper. Those things are hardly airtight around the legs and waist. I’m not even a parent and I’ve changed enough diapers to know this is not unusual. Why do you think Huggies and Pampers et al advertise how snugly their diapers fit and how well they stop leaks? Because it’s well-known that _diapers don’t always hold everything in._ It wouldn’t be a selling point if it wasn’t an issue. And yes, once out of the diaper, shit soaks through pants. ---
**Author:** ![Ostrya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/35a633/32.png) [@Ostrya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ostrya)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/265 "2010-05-25T06:46:43Z")
Although a diaper is worse, is there really any outfit that makes it okay for kids to take seats on restaurant table tops? I don’t care about how many germs vs this and that. How about people simply demonstrating some courtesy and good taste and just keep the kids off of there? It’s a restaurant, for crissakes. ---
**Author:** ![Red\_Barchetta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/da6949/32.png) [@Red\_Barchetta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Red_Barchetta)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/266 "2010-05-25T07:56:57Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Cite that it’s more likely to be on the seat of a baby’s pants than on somebody’s bare hands? Isn’t it typically kosher to provide the cites requested (repeatedly) of you before asking the same of others? ---
**Author:** ![Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hentor_the_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/267 "2010-05-25T11:41:36Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Guys, guys, guys. I know it’s fun tweaking anti-baby sentiments, but really, even if the actual risk of contamination is low, it just makes sense to avoid practices that are deprecated by the health department as generally unsanitary. And putting asses, even clothed asses, on eating tables in food service establishments is one such practice. > > I mean, the actual risk that you’ll cause any kind of serious infection to anyone by not washing your hands after you use the john is statistically pretty low, too. But do you say “Ha ha, fuck all you neurotic germophobes, I’m courageously refusing to be shackled by your petty neuroses!” and refuse to wash your hands? Probably not. > > So why not just follow the nice health inspector’s advice and refrain whenever possible from putting asses on restaurant tables? It’s hard to believe that you really get enough of a transgressive thrill out of it to make up for the fact that other restaurant patrons now feel slightly disgusted by your baby instead of adoring him/her from afar as he/she deserves. > And thanks **Rufus** , I never won a thread before! 🙂 Wait. You found health sanitation guidelines from a community called “The Colony” for seasonal health permits that says “Don’t sit on tables,” and you think I should be bound by this? It also recommends wearing disposable gloves while handling food. Shouldn’t we, given the non-zero chance of communicating some microbes amongst one another, follow “The Colony’s” advice and wear gloves while handling food in public eateries? If not, is that just spiteful disdain and petty thrill-seeking at the expense of the more sensitive among us? Hey! Who’s in charge here? Now, I don’t typically sit on tables, nor do I actually see many babies, regardless of cladding, sitting on tables. However, I cannot find any prohibitions against same amongst the health department guidelines of Allegheny County. Now, we’re no “The Colony”, but we do try. Oh no, you know what I do do sometimes? Sometimes I have to skootch, and my ass rides all the way along whatever I’m skootching by!! Ass-germs, everywhere! I could be wrong now, but I don’t think so. ---
**Author:** ![Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hentor_the_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 11:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/268 "2010-05-25T11:43:35Z")
> [@ShermanAter](#): > > You’re still arguing about this? Christ, you are acting obtuse. He’s right, you tool. And doesn’t it take more than one person to argue about something? I think this **Diogenes** bashing has jumped the shark. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/269 "2010-05-25T12:26:25Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > And thanks **Rufus** , I never won a thread before! 🙂 Don’t thank me too fast, it’s not as great a prize as all that. 😃 First, since you won it, you’ve got to take it home with you. Second, if any Dopers visit you, you’ll have to be ready to display it in a prominent place. You can bury it in the back of a closet the rest of the time, though. ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/270 "2010-05-25T13:26:01Z")
> [@lissener](#): > > Add to this the possibility–however remote; I don’t care–that the parent who changed the last poopy diaper might well have had fecal bacteria on their hands when they put the kid’s pants back on after changing the diaper. Most parents would probably wash their hands after, but I think there are lots of parents who wouldn’t necessarily wash them between removing the dirty diaper and putting on a clean one, or between changing the diaper and putting the pants back on. Dio, do you rinse your hands in a bleach solution of 14:1 or stronger between every stage of changing your kids’ diapers? (Insert “Is that all you got?” here.) > > So, big picture? I’m thinking one of the likeliest places you’re going to find fecal bacteria is on the outside of a “clean” pair of baby britches. Again, just the possibility of that is enough to make the rule, No asses on the tables, of ANY age. Why stop there? A parent hokding a baby is almost certainly going to touch the baby’s pants, and then the parent’s hands will surely touch the table at some point. So, I guess restaurants should not allow anyone with children in diapers (whether or not the child is present) into a restaurant. Then all you childfree by choice assholes can sit around and be sourpusses with each other. ---
**Author:** ![Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hentor_the_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/271 "2010-05-25T13:35:23Z")
> [@Rand\_Rover](#): > > Why stop there? A parent hokding a baby is almost certainly going to touch the baby’s pants, and then the parent’s hands will surely touch the table at some point. So, I guess restaurants should not allow anyone with children in diapers (whether or not the child is present) into a restaurant. Then all you childfree by choice assholes can sit around and be sourpusses with each other. It’s about 1,027 times more likely that a child is giong to sneeze, uncovered, all over the table in front of them, than they are to be seated on a table and also at that very moment have a boundary-violating bout of explosive diarrhea, so again, “NO CHILDREN FOR YOU. You no come back one year!” ---
**Author:** ![kidchameleon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@kidchameleon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidchameleon)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/272 "2010-05-25T13:44:30Z")
Can any of the pro-table folks inform me why it is so vital to have the ability to place a baby on the table? Perhaps I might like to put my feet up on the table, too, but I survive without doing so. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/273 "2010-05-25T13:47:12Z")
To prepare it for the ceremonial daggers. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/274 "2010-05-25T13:58:27Z")
What’s with all you baby shit haters? Get over yourselves. Eating a little baby shit from the public table won’t hurt you that much. You were a baby once too, you know. If you don’t want to eat a little baby shit at a fine restaurant, then stay home. ---
**Author:** ![C3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/c3/32/3108_2.png) [@C3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C3)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/275 "2010-05-25T14:21:42Z")
> [@kidchameleon](#): > > Can any of the pro-table folks inform me why it is so vital to have the ability to place a baby on the table? Perhaps I might like to put my feet up on the table, too, but I survive without doing so. When you have a baby who is sitting, but not walking yet, you sometimes have to put them somewhere so that you can pay the bill, take your coat off, put your stuff down, tie their shoe, put their coat on, etc. In a place like a restaurant, where you can’t really bring a stroller, you have a couple options. Putting them on the chair would work in certain situations, but if you’re doing something that requires standing, it’s safer to put them on the edge of the table so that you can put your body right next to them to prevent them from falling. It’s not that big of a deal. Babies’ digestive systems aren’t nearly as unpredictable as some of the people in this thread seem to think. A baby who is eating solids (which is likely for a baby who is capable of sitting on a table) is not likely to have a “blow-out” unless he’s sick. Most babies, like adults, establish a fairly regular pooping schedule and it’s not like it’s happening every five minutes. Honestly, I can’t remember ever putting my children on a restaurant table (frankly, I would find it unsafe for my child - too much stuff to knock over and break), but I’ve done it a lot at my own home. Still do, even with bigger kids, if I need them to be up at my eye level for some reason. I find the level of baby-fear in this thread to be ridiculous. ETA: I wonder how many of you who are so appalled by a baby sitting on a table would bitch and moan about a stroller being taken into a restaurant? ---
**Author:** ![Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hentor_the_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/276 "2010-05-25T14:30:43Z")
> [@kidchameleon](#): > > Can any of the pro-table folks inform me why it is so vital to have the ability to place a baby on the table? Perhaps I might like to put my feet up on the table, too, but I survive without doing so. I have no need to do so myself, and I honestly don’t recall if I ever did so when my children were in diapers. I could see possibly doing so for a moment when getting shoes on or dealing with a boo boo. Ironically, my inclination would be to not put them up on a table in a public eatery because I regard such tables as typically filthy. I wouldn’t have wanted to get shit from the table on their clothes. My motivation for my position is that I regard the concern as stupidly unfounded. First, I don’t see it happening with any regularity. Secondly, diaper technology 6 or 7 years ago made blowouts exceedingly rare. Thus the likelihood of a blowout happening during the window of time that a child is seated on a table approaches zero. What this seems to be is at best a complaint founded in ignorance and at worst the snotty snobbery of the tender preferences of the childless being intruded upon by those damn kids (get off my lawn). As such it is to be opposed on principle. Finally, it reminds me of another pit thread, which was a bit more serious, regarding eating in public while diabetic. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/277 "2010-05-25T14:44:47Z")
> [@the lone cashew](#): > > Although a diaper is worse, is there really any outfit that makes it okay for kids to take seats on restaurant table tops? Yeah, pretty much any clothing at all makes it ok. There is no danger of any blowout, regardless of the fantasizing going on this thread. It’s perfectly harmless to sit a clothed kid on a table. Your bare hands are more unlean than my baby’s pants. > [@](#): > > How about people simply demonstrating some courtesy and good taste and just keep the kids off of there? It’s a restaurant, for crissakes. Well, as much as a Subway on a McDonalds can be called a “restaurant,” but I don’t think anyone has yet been able to demonstrate any tangible way in which thy are being harmed by me sitting a kid on a Subway table to tie her shoes. How about the rest of you just mind your own business and don’t involve yourself with what other people are doing at other tables that don’t concern you or affect you? How about that? ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/278 "2010-05-25T16:29:40Z")
Or, more directly: “FUCK y’all! I can do what I want! Y’all don’t know me! Y’all just jealous! I do what the fuck I want! Y’all have no right to _judge me_! Let’s see \*you \*raise a baby! Yeah, what-_ever_!” (over a chorus of boos and thumbs-down gestures) ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/279 "2010-05-25T16:50:41Z")
> [@Hentor the Barbarian](#): > > It also recommends wearing disposable gloves while handling food. Shouldn’t we, given the non-zero chance of communicating some microbes amongst one another, follow “The Colony’s” advice and wear gloves while handling food in public eateries? If it’s the food **specially designated for us to eat and not to be used thereafter by other patrons** , there’s no need for us to wear disposable gloves while we handle it. Similarly, if you are planning to purchase your table from the restaurant and take it home with you after your meal, then by all means, please feel free to plant your baby’s ass on the table top to your heart’s content. Otherwise, please keep your baby’s ass off the table. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/280 "2010-05-25T16:56:18Z")
> [@Rand\_Rover](#): > > Why stop there? A parent hokding a baby is almost certainly going to touch the baby’s pants, and then the parent’s hands will surely touch the table at some point. So, I guess restaurants should not allow anyone with children in diapers (whether or not the child is present) into a restaurant. Then all you childfree by choice assholes can sit around and be sourpusses with each other. It’s hilarious Dio’s trolling is baiting all the idiots out of the woodwork, all the retards who don’t know a slippery slope from an excluded middle from an ad nauseum. You do realize that your argument has been addressed and dismissed–using logic–elsewhere in this thread? Although of course it’s more entertaining that you \*don’t \*realize that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435.md?page=13) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435.md?page=15)