# Get your baby's dirty ass off the restaurant table! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 23, 2010, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435 "2010-05-23T03:58:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 15
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/281 "2010-05-25T16:59:47Z")
> [@Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](#): > > It’s about 1,027 times more likely that a child is giong to sneeze, uncovered, all over the table in front of them, than they are to be seated on a table and also at that very moment have a boundary-violating bout of explosive diarrhea, so again, “NO CHILDREN FOR YOU. You no come back one year!” See above. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/282 "2010-05-25T17:05:11Z")
I always feel like I’m falling for the tard bait when I stop to explain the painfully obvious to the painfully obtuse. Troll tards, please pay attention: EVERYTHING is dirty. This is not an umbrella excuse to put asses on tables. To use your own illogic against you, the extreme of your own reasoning is we might as well take a dump on the table, it’s dirty anyway. Rather, please try to keep the following in memberment: Hands, elbows, tabletops, etc., are all NECESSARY components of eating. Sneezing, etc., are UNPREVENTABLE facts of life. To argue that striving to avoid the UNNECESSARY and the PREVENTABLE sources of bacteria makes no sense unless you apply the same standards to the NECESSARY and UNPREVENTABLE just serves to make you look like a fucking idiot who has no grasp of reality. Which–shoe, fits, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hentor_the_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/283 "2010-05-25T17:09:41Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > If it’s the food **specially designated for us to eat and not to be used thereafter by other patrons** , there’s no need for us to wear disposable gloves while we handle it. Uh uh. The Colony is not specific as to the circumstances, purpose or rationale for wearing gloves while handling food. Similarly, it is not specific to the purpose or rationale for not sitting on tables or counters. You can’t go against The Colony’s directives after putting them forward as an authority. The Colony must be obeyed. It’s gloves for you while you handle food at the eatery. Besides, your hands are all up by your mouth while you rend and masticate and salivate all over your food. Then you go and reach for the salt shaker I have to use after you, and you wipe your crumb- and spittle-laden hands all over the table that I want to eat off of. When you get up, you use those nasty filthy hands to lift yourself off the seat that my ass has to sit on. And of course, you are liable to spew vomit at any minute without warning all over those hands! What, are you flaunting your no gloves, happy go lucky, germ-disregarding attitude in my poor face? Are you some kind of sick thrill seeker. Do what the nice sanitation expert from The Colony suggests and wear gloves while handling food in public. ---
**Author:** ![BwanaBob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bwanabob/32/2985_2.png) [@BwanaBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BwanaBob)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/284 "2010-05-25T17:58:01Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > yeah, diapers are snug proof. They never sag, parents always buy the right size, parents always make sure they on tight. :rolleyes: Why not just keep the kid with the diaper only off the table. Please just for the rest of us. Do what you want at home on your own table, heck let your kid shit all over your table if you want. But when you go to a public restaurant. Keep kids off the tables. > > I caught campylobacter once it put me on my ass for two weeks. One of the potential casues of that is ingesting fecal matter. I tried to remember prior to getting sick if I ate any turd burgers with all the fixings , not that I remember. Just because you can’t see shit on a table doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Micriobology 101 Odds are more likely you got campy from uncooked poultry juices somewhere in your food’s preparation path. Inevitably that points to the kitchen. I doubt you put your food directly on the tabletop - no one in their right mind does that even in the finest restaurants on Earth; you use your plates, which presumably can not have been sat on by anyone. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/285 "2010-05-25T18:43:47Z")
> [@lissener](#): > > I always feel like I’m falling for the tard bait when I stop to explain the painfully obvious to the painfully obtuse. Troll tards, please pay attention: EVERYTHING is dirty. This is not an umbrella excuse to put asses on tables. To use your own illogic against you, the extreme of your own reasoning is we might as well take a dump on the table, it’s dirty anyway. I think the issue is that there is little proof that a clothed baby’s bum is particularly dirty, or in any way a hazard to anyone, and indeed common experience points to the opposite conclusion. Parents are used to carrying their kids about, often with a hand under the bum, so the notion that the clothed baby’s rear is a horrible source of infection appears more like an over-reaction than a legitimate concern. That said, I myself have never had a child sit on a table, mostly because it would be unsafe - for the child. Also, too much there that they could potentially grab like salt shakers, and reastaurant tables are sometimes none too clean - the possiblity exists of food stains on the kid’s clothing. ---
**Author:** ![curlcoat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea5d25/32.png) [@curlcoat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/curlcoat)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/286 "2010-05-25T19:40:52Z")
> [@C3](#): > > When you have a baby who is sitting, but not walking yet, you sometimes have to put them somewhere so that you can pay the bill, take your coat off, put your stuff down, tie their shoe, put their coat on, etc. In a place like a restaurant, where you can’t really bring a stroller, you have a couple options. Putting them on the chair would work in certain situations, but if you’re doing something that requires standing, it’s safer to put them on the edge of the table so that you can put your body right next to them to prevent them from falling. You all (parents) keep claiming this is necessary, yet I managed to go 10+ years raising two kids without ever needing to sit one of them on a restaurant table. But then, I am considerate of others… > [@](#): > > It’s not that big of a deal. Babies’ digestive systems aren’t nearly as unpredictable as some of the people in this thread seem to think. A baby who is eating solids (which is likely for a baby who is capable of sitting on a table) is not likely to have a “blow-out” unless he’s sick. Most babies, like adults, establish a fairly regular pooping schedule and it’s not like it’s happening every five minutes. This is assuming the parent isn’t someone like you, who seems to think the world should revolve around him and his kids, and that the parent hasn’t been dragging the kid all over creation all day. And again, whether or not the baby is likely to “blow-out” is immaterial - there is no need for you or the baby to sit on a table. > [@](#): > > I find the level of baby-fear in this thread to be ridiculous. There is no baby-fear in here, but there sure do seem to be a lot of entitled parents. > [@](#): > > ETA: I wonder how many of you who are so appalled by a baby sitting on a table would bitch and moan about a stroller being taken into a restaurant? The only reason you would need to take a stroller into a restaurant would be for your convenience, which you have already proven to be more important to you than the safety and comfort of the rest of the world. > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Well, as much as a Subway on a McDonalds can be called a “restaurant,” but I don’t think anyone has yet been able to demonstrate any tangible way in which thy are being harmed by me sitting a kid on a Subway table to tie her shoes. Just because you choose to ignore it doesn’t mean it hasn’t been demonstrated. > [@](#): > > How about the rest of you just mind your own business and don’t involve yourself with what other people are doing at other tables that don’t concern you or affect you? How about that? Wow, the entitlement just gets worse. :rolleyes: OK, how about if I am waiting for a table and I see you sitting your kids ass on your table as you get ready to leave. That potentially concerns me. It also potentially concerns me if parents like you frequent the same restaurants that I do, since for all I know the table I am sitting at now is the same one you sat your shit monster on an hour ago. > [@](#): > > Your bare hands are more unlean than my baby’s pants. Anything that is on my bare hands, (which I would wash prior to eating and then use to handle my silverware, not my food for the most part), I am most likely already immune to. Stuff on your kids ass, not as likely. And it still boils down to - there is no _need_ to sit a kid on a table, so you only do it because you feel you are more important than the rest of the world. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/287 "2010-05-25T23:47:21Z")
> [@BwanaBob](#): > > Odds are more likely you got campy from uncooked poultry juices somewhere in your food’s preparation path. Inevitably that points to the kitchen. I doubt you put your food directly on the tabletop - no one in their right mind does that even in the finest restaurants on Earth; you use your plates, which presumably can not have been sat on by anyone. Half the cutlery with the restaurants I frequent sit directly on the table, codiment dispensers I use as well. Either way just say no to asses on tables. It’s bizzare to see some peoples reaction to this though. Hell hath no fury like a parent’s child rearing skills criticized ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/288 "2010-05-25T23:55:17Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > Half the cutlery with the restaurants I frequent sit directly on the table, codiment dispensers I use as well. Either way just say no to asses on tables. > > It’s bizzare to see some peoples reaction to this though. > > Hell hath no fury like a parent’s child rearing skills criticized I’m not furious - I never in this life put a child on a table in a restaurant. Why would I? It just seems to me a lot of pointless outrage over nothing. At least where I come from, infants are always clothed in public, and their pant bottoms aren’t a source of infection. They are not, contrary to what appears to be the assumption, dripping with shit. I suppose parents are probably more likely to realize this than non-parents, who have not dealt daily with such matters. ---
**Author:** ![Ostrya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/35a633/32.png) [@Ostrya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ostrya)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/289 "2010-05-26T00:00:44Z")
Keep kid’s asses off the goddamn tables! If you think it’s okay, put them on your own table, but not while at the restaurant! Just keep the snotty nosed, diaper ridden, sons of the inconsiderate pieces of shit you are, off the fuckin’ restaurant tables! (that was not meant to be directed at you, **Malthus** ) ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/290 "2010-05-26T00:03:10Z")
> [@the lone cashew](#): > > Keep kid’s asses off the goddamn tables! If you think it’s okay, put them on your own table, but not while at the restaurant! Just keep the snotty nosed, diaper ridden, sons of the inconsiderate pieces of shit you are, off the fuckin’ restaurant tables! Now _there_ is some fury. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ostrya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/35a633/32.png) [@Ostrya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ostrya)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/291 "2010-05-26T00:05:29Z")
Well, if I admit to not really being that upset as I seemed, I will be called out as a troll, hung from the trees. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/292 "2010-05-26T00:50:23Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > \ > It’s bizzare to see some peoples reaction to this though. > > Hell hath no fury like a parent’s child rearing skills criticized **Vinyl Turnip** nailed it - > [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Or, more directly: > > “FUCK y’all! I can do what I want! Y’all don’t know me! Y’all just jealous! I do what the fuck I want! Y’all have no right to _judge me_! Let’s see \*you \*raise a baby! Yeah, what-_ever_!” > > (over a chorus of boos and thumbs-down gestures) I blame the Cult of the Child - it’s hard to take criticism for something you’re busy worshipping. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/293 "2010-05-26T01:47:43Z")
> [@lissener](#): > > I always feel like I’m falling for the tard bait when I stop to explain the painfully obvious to the painfully obtuse. Troll tards, please pay attention: EVERYTHING is dirty. This is not an umbrella excuse to put asses on tables. To use your own illogic against you, the extreme of your own reasoning is we might as well take a dump on the table, it’s dirty anyway. > > Rather, please try to keep the following in memberment: Hands, elbows, tabletops, etc., are all NECESSARY components of eating. Sneezing, etc., are UNPREVENTABLE facts of life. To argue that striving to avoid the UNNECESSARY and the PREVENTABLE sources of bacteria makes no sense unless you apply the same standards to the NECESSARY and UNPREVENTABLE just serves to make you look like a fucking idiot who has no grasp of reality. Which–shoe, fits, etc. Standard adult public restroom pooping, procedure calls for the adult to re-fasten their pants/skirt/whatever before leaving the stall to wash their hands. Therefore, every adult that poops in public before eating at a restaurant has the same likelihood of having fecal matter on their own pants as does a kid who recently had a diaper change. Hands are necessary parts of eating. So, just stay home, dude. You can spend the extra time coming up with more reasons why it’s OK that no one wants to create something that is half you (answer: you’re a loser). ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/294 "2010-05-26T01:57:13Z")
I used to nanny for a baby who would regularly have such bad blowouts that runny poo would come oozing out of his shirt collar! Yeah up by his **head**. ---
**Author:** ![curlcoat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea5d25/32.png) [@curlcoat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/curlcoat)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/295 "2010-05-26T02:04:26Z")
> [@Rand\_Rover](#): > > Standard adult public restroom pooping, procedure calls for the adult to re-fasten their pants/skirt/whatever before leaving the stall to wash their hands. Therefore, every adult that poops in public before eating at a restaurant has the same likelihood of having fecal matter on their own pants as does a kid who recently had a diaper change. Hands are necessary parts of eating. If the adults are sitting on the tables, that is wrong too. > [@](#): > > So, just stay home, dude. You can spend the extra time coming up with more reasons why it’s OK that no one wants to create something that is half you (answer: you’re a loser). Well, there’s a new one on me! Not having reproduced means that you are a loser? This must be an all time low in excuses parents give for having kids - “I didn’t want to look like a loser!” :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/296 "2010-05-26T02:06:41Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > **Vinyl Turnip** nailed it - > > I blame the Cult of the Child - it’s hard to take criticism for something you’re busy worshipping. 🙂 I blame the Cult of Purell and really terrible risk assessment skills. ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/297 "2010-05-26T02:16:58Z")
> [@curlcoat](#): > > If the adults are sitting on the tables, that is wrong too. Adults touch their pants with their hands, and their hands touch the table. This is the exact scenario lissener presented earlier with baby’s pants. > [@](#): > > Well, there’s a new one on me! Not having reproduced means that you are a loser? This must be an all time low in excuses parents give for having kids - “I didn’t want to look like a loser!” :rolleyes: Yeah, that’s exactly what I said. Wait, no it’s not. I was talking only to lissener (who, by the way, is a complete loser). ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/298 "2010-05-26T02:43:12Z")
> [@Rand\_Rover](#): > > Standard adult public restroom pooping, procedure calls for the adult to re-fasten their pants/skirt/whatever before leaving the stall to wash their hands. Therefore, every adult that poops in public before eating at a restaurant has the same likelihood of having fecal matter on their own pants as does a kid who recently had a diaper change. Um, right. Which is why the rule is no grownup asses on the table either. ---
**Author:** ![Lunchy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Lunchy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lunchy)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/299 "2010-05-26T03:00:46Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > **Vinyl Turnip** nailed it - > > I blame the Cult of the Child - it’s hard to take criticism for something you’re busy worshipping. 🙂 Worth double it’s weight in gold. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435/300 "2010-05-26T04:09:28Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > Eating a little baby shit from the public table won’t hurt you that much. You were a baby once too, you know. If you don’t want to eat a little baby shit at a fine restaurant, then stay home. Hell, at the restaurants I frequent, it’s one of the chef specials. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435.md?page=14) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-babys-dirty-ass-off-the-restaurant-table/540435.md?page=16)