# Get (your shit) off my lawn, state rep Dan Branch, TX house 108th district! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 9, 2012, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233 "2012-10-09T17:12:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Furious\_Marmot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/dfb087/32.png) [@Furious\_Marmot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Furious_Marmot)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/1 "2012-10-09T17:12:59Z")
Dear sir or madam, You or one of your authorized agents entered my property today and placed an “Elect Dan Branch” sign on my lawn. You have 10 business days to remit $50,000 for a half day’s billboard lease (you’re lucky I had to come home at lunch). Please send your payment promptly to avoid late fees and possible collections action. You may recover your sign at your convenience; it is the one lying in the gutter looking as though it had been mauled by a gorilla with dysentary. Do you see what happens, State Representative Dan Branch ? Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?! This is what happens, State Representative Dan Branch! This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass! ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/2 "2012-10-09T17:22:35Z")
c’mon now. How much of that $50,000 was REALLY for billboard advertisement and not payment for ass fucking? ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/3 "2012-10-09T17:34:38Z")
Dear Furious\_Marmot. Please find enclosed my check to you in the amount of $50,000. You have 10 business days to remit $100,000, for damage to my limited edition, personally signed by Dan Branch, election sign. Please send your payment promptly to avoid late fees or possible collection action from my team of gorillas with dysentery. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Furious\_Marmot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/dfb087/32.png) [@Furious\_Marmot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Furious_Marmot)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/4 "2012-10-09T17:51:02Z")
> [@Enderw24](#): > > c’mon now. How much of that $50,000 was REALLY for billboard advertisement and not payment for ass fucking? Bravo. > [@Morgenstern](#): > > Dear Furious\_Marmot. > > Please find enclosed my check to you in the amount of $50,000. > > You have 10 business days to remit $100,000, for damage to my limited edition, personally signed by Dan Branch, election sign. Please send your payment promptly to avoid late fees or possible collection action from my team of gorillas with dysentery. > > Thank you. Honorable Representative, Thank you for your prompt payment. I have forwarded your invoice to the city of Dallas. To date, they have ignored residents’ requests for animal control to come out and do something about the wild gorillas running loose, shitting all over the place. While it is unfortunate that your sign was damaged, perhaps this will be the final straw that spurs the city to action. ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/5 "2012-10-09T18:02:29Z")
Thank you for your concern. I am forwarding a [link](https://secure.piryx.com/donate/oeAWieAK/Texans-for-Dan-Branch/) that you may find helpful in resolving your problem Please click and enter the appropriate information so we may serve you. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![LawMonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@LawMonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LawMonkey)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/6 "2012-10-09T18:53:03Z")
> [@Furious\_Marmot](#): > > Do you see what happens, State Representative Dan Branch ? Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?! This is what happens, State Representative Dan Branch! This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass! I shudder to think what might’ve happened if he’d fed you scrambled eggs. ---
**Author:** ![Furious\_Marmot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/dfb087/32.png) [@Furious\_Marmot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Furious_Marmot)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/7 "2012-10-09T19:02:34Z")
> [@LawMonkey](#): > > I shudder to think what might’ve happened if he’d fed you scrambled eggs. That only works if you’re a stoner. ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/8 "2012-10-09T19:04:19Z")
That’s one pissed off Marmot … ---
**Author:** ![Death\_of\_Rats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a6a055/32.png) [@Death\_of\_Rats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Death_of_Rats)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/9 "2012-10-09T20:47:43Z")
Have you seen the picture on the front page of his website? Even Mitt Romney looks uncomfortable to be near Dan Branch. Dude could really have used your help to increase his street cred. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/10 "2012-10-09T21:46:12Z")
> [@Furious\_Marmot](#): > > . . . I have forwarded your invoice to the city of Dallas. To date, they have ignored residents’ requests for animal control to come out and do something about the wild gorillas running loose, shitting all over the place. While it is unfortunate that your sign was damaged, perhaps this will be the final straw that spurs the city to action. Elegant! Strategically brilliant! Would you be willing to be my Secretary of State? ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/11 "2012-10-09T22:29:55Z")
Dear Representative Branch: Fuck you. Irate letter to follow. Sincerely, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/12 "2012-10-09T22:47:59Z")
Dear Constituent: Enjoy your property tax adjustment. ---
**Author:** ![SignNinja007](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7bcc69/32.png) [@SignNinja007](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SignNinja007)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/13 "2012-10-09T23:09:50Z")
Pardon the confusion, it was I, the mysterious Sign Ninja, who frolicked through your yard this morning. Your dismay startles me. :eek: How could one not appreciate a sign of such stature signifying the support of such a superior statesman! After searching all afternoon, I was unable to find this hidden treasure. I am willing to offer my house, my car, and my SOUL for any information that leads to the discovery of this authentic, autographed token of American history. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/14 "2012-10-09T23:46:27Z")
Shucks. Before smashing the sign you should have slightly edited to read Do not Elect Dan Branch A Moron who does not Respect Property Rights and then called you local newspaper with the story. Or if you were really furious bring it to his campaign hq and stick it where the sun don’t shine. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2012, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/15 "2012-10-10T00:00:40Z")
I was wondering who had been frolicking through my yard. ---
**Author:** ![Furious\_Marmot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/dfb087/32.png) [@Furious\_Marmot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Furious_Marmot)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2012, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/16 "2012-10-10T00:54:44Z")
> [@Death\_of\_Rats](#): > > Even Mitt Romney looks uncomfortable to be near Dan Branch. That would be the best attack ad voiceover line ever. > [@Trinopus](#): > > Elegant! Strategically brilliant! Would you be willing to be my Secretary of State? Yes. I will require access to the Smithsonian (all of it) after-hours on alternate Fridays. Also, my assistant is a wooly rhinoceros. I trust that accommodations will be made. > [@SignNinja007](#): > > Pardon the confusion, it was I, the mysterious Sign Ninja, who frolicked through your yard this morning. Your dismay startles me. :eek: How could one not appreciate a sign of such stature signifying the support of such a superior statesman! > > After searching all afternoon, I was unable to find this hidden treasure. I am willing to offer my house, my car, and my SOUL for any information that leads to the discovery of this authentic, autographed token of American history. Will this suffice? > **[Flickr | The best place to be a photographer online.](https://m.flickr.com/)** > > The nicest place on the internet is here for you: inspiration, community, creativity, art, passion, and a heaping scoop of weirdness await you. Join for free. I also have need of some sign ninja-ing in the near future, do you have experience working on a monumental scale? Please call the state department, ask for the minister of the exterior’s assistant. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2012, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/17 "2012-10-10T15:18:02Z")
> [@Furious\_Marmot](#): > > … > Do you see what happens, State Representative Dan Branch ? Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?! This is what happens, State Representative Dan Branch! This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass! That sign really tied the lawn together. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2012, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/18 "2012-10-10T15:26:52Z")
> [@BubbaDog](#): > > That sign really tied the lawn together. Damn you. That’s what I was going to say. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2012, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/19 "2012-10-10T16:20:58Z")
To be fair, I doubt that Dan Branch was the actual person to put the sign there. Blame the poopy gorilla. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2012, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233/20 "2012-10-10T17:25:37Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > Damn you. That’s what I was going to say. Shut the fuck up Munch! You’re out of your element! 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/get-your-shit-off-my-lawn-state-rep-dan-branch-tx-house-108th-district/637233.md?page=2)