# Getting A Divorce...Advice Needed... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 9, 2011, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848 "2011-06-09T12:34:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2011, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848/61 "2011-06-15T03:38:56Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > Anything else to keep in mind? Sorry for the bump, but I just got back to this. You asked earlier if the money you’ve been giving her unofficially since the separation counts for anything. If my experience counts for anything, the answer is… probably. If you can prove that you gave her the money, and/or she’s willing to state on the record that you gave it to her, that amount should be taken in to account if/when any alimony agreement or financial settlement is worked out. I can’t give you much help on the psychological front - I was the one who left. Also, we don’t have kids. Even then, it took me a close to a year to detach for good. She’d call every couple of weeks, and for whatever reason, I felt obligated to talk to her. It took her calling while I was in the middle of some heavy petting with a date, and a small panic attack on my part, for me to realize that I was better off cutting off all contact. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2011, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848/62 "2011-06-15T13:00:24Z")
> [@black\_rabbit](#): > > Sorry for the bump, but I just got back to this. > > You asked earlier if the money you’ve been giving her unofficially since the separation counts for anything. If my experience counts for anything, the answer is… probably. If you can prove that you gave her the money, and/or she’s willing to state on the record that you gave it to her, that amount should be taken in to account if/when any alimony agreement or financial settlement is worked out. > > I can’t give you much help on the psychological front - I was the one who left. Also, we don’t have kids. Even then, it took me a close to a year to detach for good. She’d call every couple of weeks, and for whatever reason, I felt obligated to talk to her. It took her calling while I was in the middle of some heavy petting with a date, and a small panic attack on my part, for me to realize that I was better off cutting off all contact. Cool, thanks. She is basically cutting me off from all communication (having a no-contact order slapped against me certainly helps) and that doesn’t really bother me so much but she’s starting to ignore phone calls and messages from our boys, which is NOT cool, at all. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2011, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848/63 "2011-06-15T13:27:58Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > Cool, thanks. She is basically cutting me off from all communication (having a no-contact order slapped against me certainly helps) and that doesn’t really bother me so much but she’s starting to ignore phone calls and messages from our boys, which is NOT cool, at all. Ouch :(. I gather the boys are with you vs with her, then. Do document that sort of behavior. It will probably be useful in determining custody when you get to that point. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2011, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848/64 "2011-06-15T18:24:27Z")
> [@Mama\_Zappa](#): > > Ouch :(. I gather the boys are with you vs with her, then. > > Do document that sort of behavior. It will probably be useful in determining custody when you get to that point. The boys are with me Sunday evening through Friday late afternoon and with their Mom over the weekends. This is by mutual agreement for now, but the last time I did speak with her she told me she was seeking shared custody whereby neither of us paid the other for child support, that she wasn’t interested in the house or anything monetary…just more time with the kids than she gets now. I don’t know how I feel about that. On the one hand, I certainly don’t wish to deprive them of time with their Mother, on the other…if she can’t even be arsed for two straight days to accept a phone call or a text message from my 9 year old…what does that say about her? I feel conflicted and somewhat confused by this whole affair. This is my first and hopefully my only divorce. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2011, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848/65 "2011-06-15T18:43:37Z")
reallyreallyreally try to stay positive. Never divorced myself, but observing my parents divorce, the big thing that shifted my mom’s attitude from being upset and bitter all the time to ambivalent about my dad was putting the focus on living her own life. Once she was able to really enjoy doing what she loved (music), stuff about my dad didn’t bother her so much. She used to get upset about time we spend with her vs time we spend with my dad (both my brother and I are adults now). But eventually she came to the point that its our decision, and seeing one person over another isn’t necessarily a personal thing. Definitely work out holidays. My life is complicated because I have two sets of parents (like you dread the prospect of) plus my fiancees family since we are getting married. her and I had arguments over how we are going to break it down. I was upset because I came to the realization that I would miss out on seeing half my entire family each year to make it fair. She doesn’t want to give up spending xmas with her family every other year simply so I can see my whole family- I’m the one that will have to alternate. But either way I slice it its unfair to someone…at least I’ll be able to see some of my family each year _shrug_ ---
**Author:** ![Zhen\_ka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecccb3/32.png) [@Zhen\_ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zhen_ka)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2011, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848/66 "2011-06-15T18:43:40Z")
Take care of yourself in terms of your sobriety…this because any big life change can really take a toll on recovery and if things with your ex get bad, you don’t want to give her any ammunition. Good luck to you. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2011, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848/67 "2011-06-15T19:55:21Z")
> [@Mama\_Zappa](#): > > Do document that sort of behavior. It will probably be useful in determining custody when you get to that point. That’s why I told him to keep a journal. I’ve had one for a year now and I wrote down a ton of things in it. Best way to make sure you remember everything. I hand write mine so no one can say I changed dates or something. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2011, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848/68 "2011-06-15T21:57:12Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > That’s why I told him to keep a journal. I’ve had one for a year now and I wrote down a ton of things in it. Best way to make sure you remember everything. I hand write mine so no one can say I changed dates or something. I think I am going to do just that. Much of what I write down may be trivial, but you never know I suppose. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2011, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848/69 "2011-06-15T23:29:21Z")
The journal is a very good idea. Documenting everything that is going on now won’t hurt, and it definitely might help. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2011, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848/70 "2011-06-16T02:42:31Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Depending on the state you live in, normally the court will only look at the nights spent with a particular parent to determine the % split of time when determining child support calculations. In the OP’s case, he said he currently has them 4 nights a week, while mom has them 3 nights. That’s a 57% / 43% split. So in a simple calculation (TALK TO ATTY FOR REAL AMOUNTS), if the amount of child support needed to support each kid is $1,000 per month, and the mom has no income, Dad will need to pay mom, $860 a month for child support. [($1,000 x 2) x 43%] No, he said she has them from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. That’s only two nights, since they spend Sunday-Thursday nights with him. ---
**Author:** ![Implicit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Implicit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Implicit)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2011, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848/71 "2011-06-16T03:19:44Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > I just think she won’t accept that arrangement as she feels she isn’t getting enough time with them. The fact of the matter is that I hope we can remain amicable and keep the custody somewhat open-ended so she would be able to call me and say “would it be okay if I had the kids for all of next week? I’d like to take them to visit my mother” or something like that and I would be totally cool with that. Since there is already a “no contact” order against you, amicable is out the window. You need to be thinking in terms of legally binding agreements for how custody and visitation will work (ie. get a lawyer and expect to be spending a lot of time hashing this out). > [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > I don’t want to keep them from her, at all. But I do think they are better off with me for a variety of reasons, amongst them the previously mentioned proximity to school, also their diet (they eat nothing but crap when they are with her), hygiene (she doesn’t regularly enforce tooth brushing), discipline (they run roughshod over her in a lot of ways and she lets them stay up waaaay too late…like 1am), etcetera. You cannot control what she does or doesn’t allow the children to do when they are with her. Say that three times out loud. Stop worrying about little things like what you posted above or you’ll wear yourself out. ---
**Author:** ![Severian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/49beb7/32.png) [@Severian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Severian)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2011, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848/72 "2011-06-16T05:03:12Z")
It sounds like it may too late for this, but if it’s even remotely an option for you I would strongly recommend exploring a collaborative divorce. It saved me thousands of dollars in the beginning and, I believe, laid the groundwork for more amicable relationship going forward. Here’s a link: [Collaborative Divorce](http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/typesofdivorc1/f/collaborative.htm) ---
**Author:** ![raindog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@raindog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raindog)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2011, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848/73 "2011-06-16T12:03:28Z")
From my experiences… **Your greatest fears are almost never realized.** It’s _easy_ to see the sky falling, but it won’t. **Be kind to your self; and to her.** Leave with your dignity, and don’t damage hers. **Invest your heart and soul in being the best dad In The Whole World.** It will pay dividends not just for you, but your boys. And it will pay for the rest of their lives. **Keep adult conservations to the adults.** That’s often hard. Try harder. **Don’t get wrapped around axle over the small details, like property division.** You can get it all back. **Find meaning.** For most of us, our lives had meaning in our marriages. (and other things) Start with your boys. \*\*And then fill the void. \*\*Take up a hobby. Volunteer. Go to church. Do something. **Rebound relationships often retard growth.** If feels great to have someone tell you’re wonderful, but if you’re doing that to avoid dealing with your pain, it will rear its head later on. Thats uncool. **You’re running a marathon, not a sprint.** Be patient. It will get better-----in time. One of my refrigerator magnets: **"Then when it seems we will never smile again, _life comes back_"** Best wishes to you and your boys. ---
**Author:** ![StJoan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@StJoan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StJoan)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2011, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848/74 "2011-06-16T13:22:11Z")
What **raindog** said. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-a-divorce-advice-needed/584848.md?page=3)