# Getting the girl back. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 25, 2005, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983 "2005-04-25T05:50:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2005, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983/21 "2005-04-25T17:42:48Z")
> [@Another Primate](#): > > His reaction has solidified my reason for leaving: Nothing. Not a card, saying, “I really miss you; if you ever change your mind…”. Not flowers. Not a phone call. Nothing. Shows me the man has no guts – because I know he was very happy in our relationship. > And it’s been almost a month. > > So, while it wouldn’t have done any good, I don’t think – a bit of risk on his part at this point might have shown me that there was some hope he could change for the enthusiastic-better. (Actually, maybe we’d have gotten back together for a while, until he started driving me crazy again.) > > And, yes, it hurts my feelings. :rolleyes: Some people don’t go in for the drama thing. You say it’s over and don’t call me, he takes it as over and not to call. How does this mean “the man has no guts”? Funny how the things you see characters do in romantic comedies (and that some women so swoon for) are the same things women complain about in real life and get a bloke slapped (often rightfully so) with a restraining order. As for the OP, it hurts, and we all know how, but I have to go with the consensus and suggest that you let it go, for all the reasons stated above. What seems like the future now will probably seem like a really immature idea to you ten years from now, and any relationship which is based upon one person worshiping the other is dysfunctional at best. Sorry; I don’t mean that to sound nasty or dismissive, but 's true. Learn, grow, move on. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Abbie\_Carmichael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@Abbie\_Carmichael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abbie_Carmichael)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2005, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983/22 "2005-04-25T17:59:42Z")
Dude, I’ma tell you what I should have accepted back when I had my heart broken at 19: There is a girl out there, just for you, who will make this girl look like a sack of chicken giblets. I know it doesn’t feel like that, I know you think that you’ll never find anyone else like her, but you will. And one day you’ll look at this girl and go “what was I thinking?” It may not be that you suddenly despise the girl, you’ll just see her as someone who, yeah, is a good person, but not the right one for you. Who you’re gonna be in 10 years isn’t who you are now, and that goes for her too. The chances that you will spend the rest of your life pining for her are almost nil. I know you think you’re gonna die. Cry, have a few drinks, let yourself wallow for a weekend. Then get out there and do SOMETHING – go roller skating if that’s what does it for you. But don’t let yourself lay around in bed and start withdrawing. It’s ok to be bummed, but you can shorten the amount of time you’re upset if you continue your normal routine. Tellya what, tho: give it oh, 3 months and call her. Once. If she’s not home, leave ONE message. If she wants to talk to you, she’ll call back. If not, you’re gonna have to accept that she’s moved on. ---
**Author:** ![huk24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f0a364/32.png) [@huk24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/huk24)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2005, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983/23 "2005-04-25T18:52:11Z")
> [@orbitingio](#): > > So my girl of a year and change broke it off with me. > > Long story short: I love this girl and would rather enjoy spending many more years in her company. She’s everything I look for in a companion and she’s been a one-in-a-trillion find to me. > > Many of you are wise and married or in long-term relationships, so hopefully you may have some advice for this situation. It’s really been getting to me to the point that basic day-to-day functions are suffering considerably. > > Any help is much appreciated. I’m 20 and she’s 19, so it could be chalked up to stupid youthful naivete. I’m well aware of that. But at the same time I cannot deny my instincts and my emotions, and I feel as though I would really be dropping the ball if I were to let this one get away. > > Asking for relationship advice on an Internet forum does seem like an idea of questionable merit, but the entire idea behind all of this just makes me feel so pathetic and dejected, and raising it to my friends would be very difficult. What was the reason that you two split? ---
**Author:** ![MaddyStrut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dbc845/32.png) [@MaddyStrut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaddyStrut)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2005, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983/24 "2005-04-25T23:00:56Z")
**orbitingio,** I’m with the others who think you should let her go. Sure, there are some times when you can win someone back, but those probably aren’t the norm. Most of the time, you just end up hurting yourself with false hope. You say you couldn’t find any flaws in her. I’d bet dollars to donuts the girl has flaws–everyone does. You just didn’t notice them. But she has flaws! Given time, you’ll likely find out that you really didn’t like the way she laughed at stupid stuff, dominated conversations, or whatever. I know it sounds trite, but you will get over her. It may not happen right away (and you may not want it to happen right now anyway), but some day you’ll realize that you haven’t thought of her for a long time but you have thought of that cute girl you met that seems to think you’re cute too… It will happen! I have to disagree with this: > [@Another Primate](#): > > Wow. Thank you for asking this question, man. I’m on the other end of this painful stick and, while I’m relieved that my guy hasn’t tried anything to put us back together, I’m also hurt. We’d been together nine months and I was so bored with everything he said and most of the things he did. He’s a wonderful man for some girl – just not for me; I’ve found I can’t handle passivity – gotta have me some passion for life. > > His reaction has solidified my reason for leaving: Nothing. Not a card, saying, “I really miss you; if you ever change your mind…”. Not flowers. Not a phone call. Nothing. Shows me the man has no guts – because I know he was very happy in our relationship. > And it’s been almost a month. > > So, while it wouldn’t have done any good, I don’t think – a bit of risk on his part at this point might have shown me that there was some hope he could change for the enthusiastic-better. (Actually, maybe we’d have gotten back together for a while, until he started driving me crazy again.) > > And, yes, it hurts my feelings. > > So. I would have advised you to do something. But now that I’ve read all the better advice above, I’m not telling you anything. When I break up with someone, I prefer for both of us to leave the relationship with dignity. Please no flowers, sad notes, or phone calls (_especially_ the weepy late-night drunken phone calls). It just adds to my feelings of guilt and prolongs a difficult situation. So don’t look at it as passive that he’s not begging you to come back. Look at it as him being respectful of your decision and having the strength to move on with his life. But perhaps I’m just smarting from recently having to convince someone _I wasn’t bluffing_ when we broke up. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2005, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983/25 "2005-04-25T23:24:07Z")
> [@MaddyStrut](#): > > When I break up with someone, I prefer for both of us to leave the relationship with dignity. Please no flowers, sad notes, or phone calls (_especially_ the weepy late-night drunken phone calls). It just adds to my feelings of guilt and prolongs a difficult situation. So don’t look at it as passive that he’s not begging you to come back. Look at it as him being respectful of your decision and having the strength to move on with his life. But perhaps I’m just smarting from recently having to convince someone _I wasn’t bluffing_ when we broke up. I agree with this as well. I have also been the dump_er_, not just the dump_ee_. (You’d think that have made it easier for me to understand later when I _did_ get dumped, but _nooooo_… _sigh_ not my best form, I must say). I dumped a guy I was with for four years. I won’t get into the whys right now, it was just time to end it. He knew it was coming. I stayed in the relationship at his insistence to see if we could work things out. Things did not work out. Things only got worse… and worse… and worse. You see, I’d wanted to leave him at least a full year prior to my finally leaving him. He begged me. He pleaded with me. I stayed. I really, truly did try. But it was not working, and we both knew it. I finally left him, and he kept begging me to stay… phone calls, e-mails, showing up at my doorstep, begging me to come see him. I finally had to turn a cold shoulder to him, cutting him out of my life. It wasn’t pleasant. We could not remain friends with his behaviour. Just thinking about him today makes me feel sick, sad, and disgusted. Let her go, sweetheart. Let her go. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983/26 "2005-04-26T00:54:04Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Before you know it, you’ll find some other girl to get on your case for staying out late with your friends and leaving the toilet seat up. **msmith537** , you still _Da Man!_ ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983/27 "2005-04-26T04:37:21Z")
> [@Another Primate](#): > > Wow. Thank you for asking this question, man. I’m on the other end of this painful stick and, while I’m relieved that my guy hasn’t tried anything to put us back together, I’m also hurt. We’d been together nine months and I was so bored with everything he said and most of the things he did. He’s a wonderful man for some girl – just not for me; I’ve found I can’t handle passivity – gotta have me some passion for life. > > His reaction has solidified my reason for leaving: Nothing. Not a card, saying, “I really miss you; if you ever change your mind…”. Not flowers. Not a phone call. Nothing. Shows me the man has no guts – because I know he was very happy in our relationship. > And it’s been almost a month. > > So, while it wouldn’t have done any good, I don’t think – a bit of risk on his part at this point might have shown me that there was some hope he could change for the enthusiastic-better. (Actually, maybe we’d have gotten back together for a while, until he started driving me crazy again.) > > And, yes, it hurts my feelings. > > So. I would have advised you to do something. But now that I’ve read all the better advice above, I’m not telling you anything. The behavior you describe has a name for it-it’s called stalking. It’s not flattering, it’s not something I’d want. It’s fucking creepy and disgusting and that would only make me MORE determined that I made the right decision. There is nothing more pathetic than BEGGING to be with someone who so obviously does NOT want you. It’s extremely demeaning to oneself. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983/28 "2005-04-26T05:15:38Z")
[quote] **Another Primate** : Nothing. Not a card, saying, “I really miss you; if you ever change your mind…”. Not flowers. Not a phone call. Nothing. > [@](#): > > **Guinastasia** : The behavior you describe has a name for it-it’s called stalking. I really disagree with you, **Guinastasia**. Trying any one or two of those would not be stalking in my book. That would have just be part of the ups and downs of the relationship. I was about to suggest that the young man wait a month, send her two dozen roses and then – this is the important part – wait two more weeks before calling her. Sure there’s a little bit of gamesmanship going on. All that means is that it makes her think. Just don’t count of it working. In the meantime, **orbitingio** , what you are going through now is hell, but you just endure it and work through it. You really are going to be okay. Try to get out some. ---
**Author:** ![Another\_Primate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Another\_Primate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Another_Primate)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983/29 "2005-04-26T05:58:15Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > The behavior you describe has a name for it-it’s called stalking. It’s not flattering, it’s not something I’d want. It’s fucking creepy and disgusting and that would only make me MORE determined that I made the right decision. > > There is nothing more pathetic than BEGGING to be with someone who so obviously does NOT want you. It’s extremely demeaning to oneself. Wow. Overreaction. I suppose I’m not writing clearly. I think there’s a huge difference between stalking and sending someone a message saying, “It was swell and I miss you.” I even think there’s a big difference between BEGGING and sending such a message. But, like I THOUGHT I said, I’m making fun of myself for being disappointed that he just basically gave up. I’m making fun of myself for being hurt. Oh, I got just what I wanted… and I’m hurt. And I think I was clear that reading the others’ posts made me realize what a goofball I’m being. That said, if you really want to light into me, have at it, dear. Guess I just don’t make good enough use of the smilies? ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983/30 "2005-04-26T13:56:10Z")
I don’t like the idea of trying to ‘win the girl back’. It tends to make people do foolish things that they might not have done to originally win the person over. If the girl broke things off, chances are she probably had a good reason for it, and if it was a stupid reason, she’ll come to her senses on her own eventually if she regrets the decision (typically after you meet another girl :smack: ) ---
**Author:** ![raz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@raz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raz)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983/31 "2005-04-26T16:22:39Z")
I’m so sorry about all the stress and pain you’re going through. Be that as it may, there is some excellent advice in this thread. When you get right down to it, you just have to realize that it wasn’t meant to be. You aren’t going to win her back. She isn’t going to change. She broke up with you for a reason and although it might not be clear to you now, in time it will make sense. I was in your position a couple of years ago. I was 17, or so, heck I don’t remember. “The One”, the “man of my dreams”, wanted to break up. So I pitched a fit, and cried, and stopped eating and got depressed and basically guilted him into staying with me. Don’t be like I was. That was a bad mistake. About two months later, I started to see things his way. Realized that it was never going to work and that we would be better off apart. At first he took it rather well, we tried the friends thing for about two weeks before we realized that it was never going to work. He then got very sad, made me CDs with “our songs” on them, called me and professed his undying love for me, told me that there was no one else out there for him, that he couldn’t go on without me, that he was sure that I was “The One” for him. Sent me horribly, pathetically sad emails. Then all the niceties stopped, and he turned wicked towards me. He hated me, hated my guts, never wanted to talk to me again. Called me a bitch and a slut and a whore, told all of his friends and my friends how much he hated me. He still does this. Mutual friends still tell me how much he hates me, how he calls me names and belittles me and refuses to let it go. He hasn’t been with anyone else since we broke up. It’s been two years. Please don’t turn into him. But as for me, I never think about him anymore. I look back on it and wonder why I was so head-over-heels for this guy. He wasn’t perfect but love makes you blind. It’s 110% completely in the past for me. I can’t even remember details about our relationship. It’s like a blur, a blur with some bad memories and some happy ones. You will reach this place in time. It took me a while, and as for him, well I hope he finds his happiness soon. ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983/32 "2005-04-26T19:05:31Z")
I’ll rise to defend Another Primate’s post… I’m not suggesting to the OP that he simply vanish for X time and then attempt a renewal if he choses so. Its ok to have a minimal contact and show at least some friendliness when you do stumble onto one another. I’ve always remained friendly to all my GFs. E-mail are a nice way to keep in ocassional touch without bothering too much. Just ask polite questions to demonstrate friendlyiness and interest… BUT NOT MUCH. Even if you never get back to her… you should avoid doing stupid things like stalking, phoning and basically bothering her. You SHOULD NEVER SPEAK BADLY OF HER TO OTHERS. Even if you feel so. How you behave now will show to other women your maturity and you can bet that the loose talking will happen if you put up some silly stunt to get the girl back. ``` Do try to understand why she dumped you too... reflect how shitty a BF you might have been. Etc... ``` ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983/33 "2005-04-26T19:13:46Z")
> [@SHAKES](#): > > Also, if you were in arms length I’d slap you. You’re 20yo FCOL! That sounds like a really useful thing to say to someone just coming off a break-up. :rolleyes: > [@](#): > > Dude, there are SO many women out there for you to experience. It would be a shame in my opinion to spend my 20-somethings with just one girl!! Even if that’s what the person wants? > [@](#): > > Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to patronize you or anything. Had me fooled. Hell, still have me fooled. For some of us, spending that time with one person isn’t and wasn’t a waste of time. Is that really your call to make for someone else? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/getting-the-girl-back/300983.md?page=1)