# Ghastly puns **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 27, 1999, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208 "1999-07-27T22:47:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 1999, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/1 "1999-07-27T22:47:00Z")
Ready for a real groaner? “If you are a Taurean, it is better to be a South Taurean than a North Taurean.” –Gary Owens ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 1999, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/2 "1999-07-27T22:57:00Z")
I don’t get it. I guess I’m not his Taurean. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 1999, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/3 "1999-07-28T01:58:00Z")
Sounds like a lot of bull to me. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 1999, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/4 "1999-07-28T20:52:00Z")
Don’t get it? It’s a pun on “Korean.” ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 1999, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/5 "1999-07-29T04:16:00Z")
Not to be crabby, but I Cancertainly claw my way into this devilish thread, shellfish as I am. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 1999, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/6 "1999-07-29T05:42:00Z")
How come crabs are so tight? Because they’re shellfish…Hey what the… !!! This isn’t the riddle thread!! ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 1999, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/7 "1999-07-29T12:07:00Z")
So what is a taurean? ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 1999, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/8 "1999-07-29T14:26:00Z")
Whenever the wife and I see news about people getting trapped in avalanches in the winter I always pipe up with: “Avalanche is better than none!” And then she socks me with a pillow. * * * To deal with men by force is as impractical as to deal with nature by persuasion. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 1999, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/9 "1999-07-29T19:05:00Z")
OK, flochi! “Taurean” means someone whose astrological "birth sign is “Taurus,” like Dr. Benjamin Spock and Mayor Richard Dailey of Chicago. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 1999, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/10 "1999-07-29T22:06:00Z")
Isn’t that what you searve soup in? A taurean ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 1999, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/11 "1999-07-30T00:19:00Z")
Only if it’s Caper-Corn soup. . . Rich ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 1999, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/12 "1999-07-30T18:01:00Z")
with a few Pieces of french bread? * * * To deal with men by force is as impractical as to deal with nature by persuasion. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 1999, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/13 "1999-07-30T18:06:00Z")
You mean “Pisces”. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 1999, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/14 "1999-07-30T18:14:00Z")
My best friend accompanied my husband and me to our insurance agents office a few years back, and we still laugh about the exchange we had while Byron was talking to the agent. Evidently, the agent is a hunter, and he had, amongst other stuffed trophies, the head of a huge buck, mounted on the wall. The exchange went something like this: “Oh, that’s too bad. You know, that deer was shot by an insurance agent, do you suppose the widow got any doe?” “I’m sure. At least a couple of bucks anyway.” ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 1999, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/15 "1999-07-30T18:35:00Z")
–Use a pun, go to jail–thats the law! –Alan Q ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 1999, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/16 "1999-07-30T19:49:00Z")
I have to give credit where credit is due; CigaretJim (a sometimes poster on this board) came up with this one: Paul went to visit his friends Lisa & Rob. Rob had recently returned from the hospital where he had had a vasectomy, which required the shaving of his privates. During a trip to the bathroom, Paul noticed a very, hairy object sitting in the bathroom sink. When he returned to his hosts in the living room he asked, “What the hell is that thing in the sink?” Lisa’s response: “It’s Rob’s peter toupee, Paul!” Nothing like a really bad pun about merkins! Enough of this punishment! ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 1999, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/17 "1999-07-30T19:56:00Z")
Isn’t a Phillipino contortionist a manilla folder? ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 1999, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/18 "1999-07-30T23:31:00Z")
They also surf who only stand on waves. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 1999, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/19 "1999-07-31T20:19:00Z")
“You can lead a whore to culture but you can’t make her think.” Dorothy Parker * * * Tim “My hovercraft is full of eels.” ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 1999, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208/20 "1999-08-02T22:17:00Z")
Two guys canoeing on a lake see a whale breach the surface. The whale raises its tail and splashes the water two or three times, and then disappears below the surface. One canoeist turns the the other and says, “Must have been a fluke.” * * * “Be Good, and you will be lonesome.” –Mark Twain [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ghastly-puns/9208.md?page=2)