# Gifty-Showers Suck **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 9, 2007, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101 "2007-07-09T21:11:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2007, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/42 "2007-07-10T20:34:45Z")
Some reasons why it might be nice to be given a shower for a later baby: This baby is coming after the other kids are bigger, and the baby stuff is long gone. After 3 boys, you’re having a girl (or vice versa). Your friends just happen to like celebrating a milestone with you, and it involves cake. Showers are supposed to be small affairs, given by close friends (not relatives), with gifts that aren’t all that big. Most of the baby showers I’ve been to, esp. those for later babies, are mostly smaller gifts like a cute outfit or blanket, a few board books, and so on. Grandparents might get you things like a stroller the first time, but on the whole it’s supposed to be pleasant and minor. My sympathies to the OP, and especially to the fiance. I don’t think that men should be subjected to women-centered showers. But if MIL was being polite and proper in the first place, all this wouldn’t be happening. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2007, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/43 "2007-07-10T20:48:06Z")
> [@Flea](#): > > I stated several times I was all right without one and frankly did not enjoy them, so her insistence on throwing one (and her subsequent complaints about the expenses) is actually quite rude of her. Yup, it certainly is. Just because somebody is throwing a party for you doesn’t mean that she’s actually being nice to you; it only means that you have to be nice to her. > [@Flea](#): > > It’s curious to me how many folk that harp about propriety and graciousness fail to notice the only complaining I have done about this has been on an online forum and in private to my fiancé (who shares my views), and also neglect to notice that she pretty much elected to do this without a thought to my preference, desire, or comfort. Everybody failed to notice that previously because this was the first time you mentioned it. In your OP, you merely asked “Why is it so bitchy to say you don’t like these inane traditions?” You didn’t bother to tell us that you hadn’t actually been calling them inane, or doing any bitching or complaining at all about them, in real life. Nor did you mention originally that your MIL insisted on having the shower despite your repeatedly and politely telling her that you preferred not to have one. If you have in fact been confining your complaining only to an anonymous online forum and to trusted friends—even when dealing with a selfish and controlling future mother-in-law who ignores your politely expressed preferences—then actually, Miss Manners loves you. Your Pitting style needs a bit more work, especially the part about providing inadequate information in your early posts and then snapping at other posters who misinterpret them, but your real-life etiquette is impeccable. Here’s some more Miss-Manners-approved etiquette for the shower-greed crowd: > [@NuttyBunny](#): > > I loathe attention, so I could have thottled my mother for inviting 40 of her closest friends and a sprinkling of my acquaintances to my baby shower. As **dangermom** notes, traditionally, close family members or in-laws are not even supposed to be the ones who host showers. As **Anaamika** notes, wedding and baby showers were originally supposed to be a way for non-relatives to make _SMALL_ contributions to the expensive task of getting the bride or expectant mother set up with the stuff she needed for her new role. This task was seen as being mostly the responsibility of the family/ies involved, so it was considered very inappropriate for a close relative or mother-in-law to ask non-relatives to help out with it. Traditionally, a female friend or distant relative acted as the hostess, and guests were expected only to supply inexpensive little presents that were useful or amusing. Expensive or specially-made items were bestowed as formal wedding presents or baby presents, not as shower gifts. Try that one on your registry-loving shower-fiend friends and relatives. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2007, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/44 "2007-07-10T20:59:23Z")
[QUOTE=grayhairedmomma] This assumes the babies are born close together. I was given two baby showers, but only because my children are 7 years apart and I had nothing even resembling baby gear for the second child. I could have lived without either shower though, I hate being the center of attention. [/QUOTE] Fair enough - I hadn’t taken the age difference into consideration. Hell, I just had my son 14 months ago, and I’ve already given his infant clothes to a couple of friends. I doubt I’ll have much left over from his baby days when he’s 6 or 7. Then again, we have a lot of friends with a lot of children, which means a ton of hand-me-downs. I love it! I hate being the center of attention, too. As mentioned above, the non-verbal part is the hardest. I’m okay at it, but I hate having to act really, really excited over, I don’t know - trivets, nursing accessories or spit-up pads. ---
**Author:** ![Flea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d78d45/32.png) [@Flea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flea)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2007, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/45 "2007-07-10T21:13:28Z")
[QUOTE=Kimstu] Everybody failed to notice that previously because this was the first time you mentioned it. In your OP, you merely asked “Why is it so bitchy to say you don’t like these inane traditions?” You didn’t bother to tell us that you hadn’t actually been calling them inane, or doing any bitching or complaining at all about them, in real life. Nor did you mention originally that your MIL insisted on having the shower despite your repeatedly and politely telling her that you preferred not to have one. If you have in fact been confining your complaining only to an anonymous online forum and to trusted friends—even when dealing with a selfish and controlling future mother-in-law who ignores your politely expressed preferences—then actually, Miss Manners loves you. Your Pitting style needs a bit more work, especially the part about providing inadequate information in your early posts and then snapping at other posters who misinterpret them, but your real-life etiquette is impeccable. [/QUOTE] Actually, the thread went into a personal vein, but it was originally meant only to way “Hey, I hate these. You hate these?” I would love to say “This is inane” but apparently that’s not quite the thing. Any information specific to my case is just icing for your entertainment, really. It’s a pit thread, for Pete’s sake, not a thesis. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2007, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/46 "2007-07-10T21:33:55Z")
> [@Flea](#): > > Any information specific to my case is just icing for your entertainment, really. It’s a pit thread, for Pete’s sake, not a thesis. Fine, but if you just provide random bits of informational “icing” here and there without explaining your situation clearly, you shouldn’t find it “curious” that other posters “fail to notice” what’s actually going on in your situation, because you haven’t explained it. ---
**Author:** ![Nikki\_Tikki\_Tavi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3da27b/32.png) [@Nikki\_Tikki\_Tavi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nikki_Tikki_Tavi)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2007, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/47 "2007-07-10T21:41:52Z")
[QUOTE=Steve MB] Getting to eat ice cream and not eat veggies is obviously quite important to the average three-year-old, and yet we find ways to make it clear that we will not accomodate that urge. [/QUOTE] Presumably, being accomodating to her future MIL will affect her life quite a bit more than allowing a three year old to run the show. A bit of unsolicited advice from a recently married girl: tread lightly when complaining about his mother to him. He may hate the idea of a shower as much as you, but don’t make the mistake that I did and let it cross into complaints about her personally. The boys, they do not like this. ---
**Author:** ![flight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbce88/32.png) [@flight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flight)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2007, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/48 "2007-07-10T23:10:52Z")
[QUOTE=Missy2U] But it’s unnecessarily mean. “Let’s embarrass the hell out of MIL” - and it will, because I’m sure she’ll have family there - that’s ridiculously childish and spiteful. [/QUOTE] Ummmm… _yeah_. > [@Green Bean](#): > > You don’t have to open the gifts at the shower. > > I’ll repeat it again, shouting this time– > > YOU DON’T HAVE TO OPEN THE GIFTS AT THE SHOWER! > Sitting there while someone opens presents is boring, annoying, awkward, and the whole display is, IMHO, tacky as can be. Remove that element, and you just have a party. Whether it’s a fun party or a boring party depends on the usual factors, but by not opening gifts, at least you know it won’t be an excruciating party. Now that might actually make it tolerable. I could even take the prescribed gift-giving if I didn’t have to watch her pretend to be surprised. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2007, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/49 "2007-07-10T23:12:32Z")
[QUOTE=Flea] Actually, the thread went into a personal vein, but it was originally meant only to way “Hey, I hate these. You hate these?” I would love to say “This is inane” but apparently that’s not quite the thing. Any information specific to my case is just icing for your entertainment, really. It’s a pit thread, for Pete’s sake, not a thesis. [/QUOTE] Exactly. You also have the right to not answer any questions you don’t feel like answering in a thread, or not responding to posters or arguments if you don’t feel like it, or not posting personal information (that’s actually a good rule, usually). These threads are for entertainment; they shouldn’t be a chore. If you’re following the rules here, you don’t owe anybody anything. ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2007, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/50 "2007-07-10T23:29:20Z")
Am I the only person who doesn’t mind showers? Some can be a bit hokey and kitschy and downright silly at times, but for the most part, I go to the showers of people that I like, the other attendees are people that I like, and it’s an opportunity to hang out and talk for a while. I really don’t understand the loathing. [QUOTE=ZipperJJ] What I get tired of the most about showers is that as a single woman, I am doomed to ponying up for gifts all the damn time. [/QUOTE] Occasionally, that does bother me. Pity that “Yes, I am _still_ single” showers are tacky. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2007, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/51 "2007-07-10T23:55:18Z")
[QUOTE=amarinth] Occasionally, that does bother me. Pity that “Yes, I am _still_ single” showers are tacky. [/QUOTE] Don’t be silly, they’re called “Housewarming parties” 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2007, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/52 "2007-07-11T00:17:09Z")
I hosted a baby shower for a niece-in-law and can’t believe how expensive it was! I’ve learned my lesson. I’m not a fan of the gift-giving-game-playing showers. Certainly there are more creative ways to spend a Saturday afternoon to celebrate the impending nuptuals or birth. As to the OP, you can whine all you want, but you’re stuck with this one. Your soon-to-be MIL will remind you for a long time if you choose to not participate. It’s just as much for her as it is for you. And frankly, she’s probably bitching to her friends about “having” to host a shower for you as much as you’re bitching about “having” to go. As an aside, the advice given previously about being cautious about how you bitch about your MIL to your spouse. As much as he is being supportive to you, he really doesn’t want to hear it. You can bitch about the situation all you want, just be careful to not bitch about her. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2007, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/53 "2007-07-11T04:53:08Z")
[QUOTE=amarinth] Am I the only person who doesn’t mind showers? Some can be a bit hokey and kitschy and downright silly at times, but for the most part, I go to the showers of people that I like, the other attendees are people that I like, and it’s an opportunity to hang out and talk for a while. I really don’t understand the loathing. [/QUOTE] No, I like them too. I think most of my friends are reasonable people though; we like to get together to celebrate a happy time and eat cake. I’m not a fan of horrible games, but luckily those are going out of style and games are few and more amusing than horrible. (Except for the diaper/chocolate stunt. I’m looking at you, cousin J.) And I quite like looking at baby clothes, except that it makes me want to have a baby to put the clothes on to. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2007, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/54 "2007-07-11T05:16:56Z")
[QUOTE=amarinth] Am I the only person who doesn’t mind showers? Some can be a bit hokey and kitschy and downright silly at times, but for the most part, I go to the showers of people that I like, the other attendees are people that I like, and it’s an opportunity to hang out and talk for a while. I really don’t understand the loathing. . [/QUOTE] I don’t _loath_ them. I consider them a social _duty_ rather than fun,\* fun\*, **FUN!** , but they aren’t horrible and nasty. And like I said, sometimes the cake is good. It is just something you do for your co-workers and friends, to make _them_ happy, not me happy. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2007, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/55 "2007-07-11T05:46:51Z")
I, too, loathe all things showery. However, I don’t think you should proceed with your plan to not send thank you cards. Not only is that a horrendous breech of etiquette, but your mother-in-law will never forget. Never. She will become horribly embittered by it, and will bring it up at every opportunity. You have to understand mothers-in-law. Things like this fuel them. You will be doing her the favor of finding yet another fault that you have, and furthering her almost certain secret opinion that you are not good enough for her baby. You’ll be helping her to hate you, and giving her justification for it, in her eyes and her friends’. Send the thank you cards, for god’s sake! Think of the children! ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2007, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/56 "2007-07-11T06:42:02Z")
[QUOTE=Kimstu] Many people like the fact that the lines between the traditionally gender-segregated shower and bachelor party are now getting somewhat blurred. [/QUOTE] Or completely blurred in our case. We had her shower and my bachelor party at the same time. The stripper was really cool about it because some of the women gave tips, especially the ones who were bored of watching my wife open the presents. OK TP, snap out of fantasy world. We didn’t have either event, and our wedding was really casual. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2007, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/57 "2007-07-11T12:09:30Z")
**Alice the Goon** --Yup. The only one she is hurting with the no thank you cards is herself, and by default, her soon to be husband. Why would you choose a course that makes you look bad for decades? This isn’t about ethics or integrity-they’re thank you cards. I don’t believe in handing the “enemy” weapons. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2007, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/58 "2007-07-11T13:13:06Z")
[QUOTE=Flea] I know I can’t get out of it, and I’ll be gracious, although I refuse to write thank-you notes … [/QUOTE] This jumped out at me. As much as you may hate the idea of a shower and all its trappings, you really do have to write thank-you notes. It’s just the polite thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2007, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/59 "2007-07-11T15:05:48Z")
I’m not sure I understand not having a shower for a non-first baby or wedding. Yes, the “shower” part in terms of giving initial set-up type gifts doesn’t make sense, but a party to celebrate a new baby or new wedding? Why not? Maybe you wouldn’t need more onesies but diapers and other disposables are always needed, as well as pampering gifts for the expectant mom. Every baby is a special new person; why not have a party to celebrate? ---
**Author:** ![flight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbce88/32.png) [@flight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flight)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2007, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/60 "2007-07-11T15:19:47Z")
[QUOTE=gigi] I’m not sure I understand not having a shower for a non-first baby or **wedding**. Yes, the “shower” part in terms of giving initial set-up type gifts doesn’t make sense, but a party to celebrate a new baby or **new wedding**? [/QUOTE] _bolding mine_ They have that already, it’s called a “wedding”. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2007, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101/61 "2007-07-11T15:59:48Z")
[QUOTE=Alice The Goon] However, I don’t think you should proceed with your plan to not send thank you cards. Not only is that a horrendous breech of etiquette, but your mother-in-law will never forget. Never. She will become horribly embittered by it, and will bring it up at every opportunity. [/QUOTE] I missed this part. I agree - the OP should definitely send thank-you notes. Not only will the MIL be ticked, but whether you want the shower or not, there will be a lot of people spending a lot of money on you. Refusing to send thank-yous for gifts is incredibly rude and only makes you look bad. Yeah, you’re not grateful to your MIL in the first place for the shower, but don’t take it out on the unsuspecting guests. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gifty-showers-suck/411101.md?page=4)