# Girl, what the fuck? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 4, 2004, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557 "2004-01-04T01:25:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2004, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/61 "2004-01-04T19:24:12Z")
I will take you to my bed, with sheets of finest Egyptian cotton, handwoven by a team of weavers. If that is too rough for your delicate skin, I will go to China and find the finest silkworms. Then I will make you the finest, most beautiful silk sheets before I sex you on them. Damn, girl. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2004, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/62 "2004-01-04T19:31:36Z")
Hmm. Is this going to become a “Write Like Smoove” thread the way one of Kurdt’s other threads became a “Write Bad Angst” thread? God, I hope so. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2004, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/63 "2004-01-04T19:36:16Z")
> [@](#): > > **Already in Use** : You will finally realize “what it means to be from Maine.” \ If you do not care for the sensuous stylings of the late Mr. White, I will put on whatever you prefer. Got any Tim Sample? ---
**Author:** ![raz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@raz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raz)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2004, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/64 "2004-01-04T19:58:01Z")
Just thought I’d add something before this thread bottoms out: Kurdt, yes, you have been an asshole in the past. We all know that. You know that. I’m really sorry about all this, bud. I know what its like to be hurt by a member of the opposite sex (i’m a girl) and it’s the worst feeling you can endure. I do believe that I give shitty advice, so I’m not gonna offer any. You know what you have to do. From the sound of things, there’s really no way that you can repair the damage that’s been done and try to mend the relationship because she’s already made up her mind. Just don’t do anything stupid, and don’t take it out on the people here. The best relationship advice I’ve ever got came from here, and if you show respect and kindness to all of us here on the SDMB then you’ll get nothing but good things in return. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2004, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/65 "2004-01-04T20:12:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jodi \* > \*\*I’m not trying to be a heartless beyatch, but think about it: What could she possibly say that would not be hurtful? Other than “I’m moving to Outer Bumfuckistan” or “I’m joining a nunnery”? “Why are you breaking up with me?” is the obvious equivalent of “What’s wrong with me?” and there’s just no kind answer to that question. Breakups are the shits, but my experience is that trying to do autopsies on them only makes them worse. > > I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you, but trust me: Trying to extract “why” from her will only make things worse. She’ll either (correctly) refuse to tell you, in which case you’ll just get more pissed off, or she’ll actually try to tell you, in which case you’ll probably just get more pissed off, or hurt. \*\* I don’t know, **Jodi**. I think if someone was breaking up with me, I’d want at least a superficial why. Hell, if it’s over it’s over, but ‘oh, I can’t tell you why, it’s a secret’ is manipulative and mean, IMO. Tell me, ‘I don’t love you any more,’ or, ‘I’m seeing someone else,’ or whatever. Refusing to talk about it with a partner prevents that person from understanding the situation and from having some emotional closure. It keeps power in the hands of the break-up-er, and selfishly ignores the other person in order to make it easier for the break-up-er. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2004, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/66 "2004-01-04T21:48:03Z")
EONWE – > [@](#): > > I don’t know, Jodi. I think if someone was breaking up with me, I’d want at least a superficial why. _Sure_ you’re entitled to a “superficial” why. And the “superficial why” starts out “It’s not you; it’s me . . . .” I have no problem with telling someone “I don’t love you anymore,” harsh as that is. It’s all the “whys” that come after that, that just strike me as masochistic. “_Why_ don’t you love me anymore?” That’s not a question with an easy answer – or a kind one. > [@](#): > > Refusing to talk about it with a partner prevents that person from understanding the situation and from having some emotional closure. Once the _pro forma_ (and truthful) macro reason has been offered – I don’t love you anymore, I want to see other people, this just isn’t working for me – there is no way the person being broken up with will get any more “emotional closure” by attempting to find out _why_ you don’t love me, _why_ you want to see other people, _why_ it isn’t working for you. Those conversations result in emotional _pain_, not emotional closure. So do I think the girl should have said something beyond “because”? Sure. She certainly should have. But it is unlikely that even if she had added one of the appropriate stock phrases, he would have been satisfied with that. And, having been in both positions, I totally understand this: You want to know what the problem is, you want to know what went wrong. But the truth is that you will never in a million years get an answer that is of any practical use to you, even if the person can articulate why they’ve decided you’re not the one. You will only be hurt worse, made to feel less attractive, and maybe wrongly given the impression that you’d better make a whole bunch of changes is you don’t want to die alone, when the truth can just as easily be that the changing that needs to be done, needs to be done by the other person who was so _insane_ as to break up with a person as fabulous as you. 🙂 And damn, girl! I _love_ Smoove! ---
**Author:** ![gluteus\_maximus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f17d59/32.png) [@gluteus\_maximus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gluteus_maximus)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2004, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/67 "2004-01-04T22:20:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kurdt Kobain \* > \*\*I’ve been with this girl for several months. She and me were very close. Their was talk of marriage. I was saving up for an engagement ring. Something nice. > \*\* Oh, waaaaaaaaaaaah! Several _months_? Try it after four years… _and_ the paid-for and delivered engagement ring… Where are _my_ tiny online violins??? Where’s **my** fucking SDMB pity party? I know… I didn’t ask for one, and, thanks, but, no thanks! One, two, three, AAAAAAAaaaaaawwwwww! Get a real life, wanker! ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2004, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/68 "2004-01-04T23:37:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jodi \* > \*\*So do I think the girl should have said something beyond “because”? Sure. She certainly should have. But it is unlikely that even if she had added one of the appropriate stock phrases, he would have been satisfied with that. \*\* Oh, I don’t know about that. A comforting lie is still better than nothing at all. Sorry to hear about your heartbreak, **gluteus m** , but them that don’t asks for sympathy don’t gets. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2004, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/69 "2004-01-04T23:55:52Z")
> [@](#): > > Oh, I don’t know about that. A comforting lie is still better than nothing at all. I totally agree, GYRATE. I’m not advocating heartlessness. I just firmly believe that taking the comforting lie at face value is the healthiest thing for the injured party to do. I can understand wanting to do the relationship autopsy; I’m just saying that IME, 9 times out of 10 it’s a really bad idea. ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/70 "2004-01-05T00:02:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gluteus maximus \* > \*\*Oh, waaaaaaaaaaaah! > Several _months_? > Try it after four years… _and_ the paid-for and delivered engagement ring… \*\* Big freaking deal. I went out this girl for a year in College who broke up with me the day she completed her anthropology thesis on primitive man. I felt so used. ---
**Author:** ![Squink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@Squink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Squink)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/71 "2004-01-05T00:49:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scylla \* > I felt so used. Went out and killed, dressed and ate a wooly mammoth single handed I’ll bet. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/72 "2004-01-05T00:57:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gluteus maximus \* > \*\*Get a real life, wanker! \*\* Oh come on, ease up on the pile on **glute**. Og knows how much I’ve been beating up on Kurdt, but I’m willing to give him one more chance. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/73 "2004-01-05T01:38:15Z")
**Jodi** , yeah, I get your point. It just seems to me that if someone said to me “because,” I’d read that as a thinly veiled, “I’m now with someone else,” or, “I don’t love you any more/think of you that way anymore.” By not even vocalising that, the girl in the OP is, IMO, avoiding the issue and avoiding some responsibility for her decision. It is not, IMO, an _adult_ way to deal with ending a relationship with someone, unless there is truly some reason that he can’t know, like say he’s abusive and she’s trying to get away from that (_ **note: I am not intending to imply that is the case in the OP** _). I guess whether or not the OP would have been satisfied is his problem, but not even giving him a chance and basically say, “lah lah lah, I’m not talking to you,” is a pretty heartless thing for his girlfriend to do. > [@](#): > > And damn, girl! I love Smoove! And if that’s directed at me, my genetics would be quite surprised by the fact that I am now a girl. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/74 "2004-01-05T02:44:26Z")
EONWE, I somehow know that you have male-type naughty bits (maybe you’ve mentioned your gender before?), so that wasn’t directed at you. “Damn, girl!” is a recurring line in the columns of the fabulous Smoove B, columns you can find in the archives of _The Onion_. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/75 "2004-01-05T03:12:50Z")
Kurdt, being dumped sucks. It really, really sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Let me try to explain why some of the folks here are jumping on you. See, some people interpret the Golden Rule as “Do unto others as they have done unto you”. I’m not saying anything here about whether that is right or wrong, I’m just saying that’s how it is. So, the people who see you as nothing more than an asswipe are going to act like this towards you. You haven’t let us see any of the good sides of you, so some of us have reached the conclusion that what we’ve seen is all there is. Show some compassion, some empathy, some wit, and we’ll all know, once and for all, that there’s more to you than just being an asshole. Hell, I can be an asshole sometimes, but on the SDMB, I try to come across as a “whole” person. I’ve certainly come into these fora to vent, looking for sympathy, etc. and for the most part, the people here haven’t let me down. But, make no mistake, if they think you need your ass kicked, they _will_ kick it for you! I truly and sincerely hope that your future here will be brighter than your past. Oh, slight hijack, might I be allowed to add that Jodi, IMHO, is one of our most level-headed, thoughtful and intelligent posters when it comes to inter-personal relationships. ---
**Author:** ![Berkut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a88e57/32.png) [@Berkut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Berkut)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 9:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/76 "2004-01-05T09:28:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Eonwe \* > \*\*And if that’s directed at me, my genetics would be quite surprised by the fact that I am now a girl. 🙂 \*\* Eonwe is a guy. Trust me, I’ve seen his ass. Long story. Painful, too. ---
**Author:** ![paulberserker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c4cdca/32.png) [@paulberserker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/paulberserker)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/77 "2004-01-05T12:27:57Z")
Boo Hoo. If you’re anything like your “waaah! some big boys took my dinner money! look at me Geri Halliwell” SDMB persona in real life, no fucking wonder she dropped you like a used bus ticket. get over it. happens to us all at some point. certainly happened to me last year, but you don’t see me beefing about it on some message board. MPSIMS! check it out! it’s for sympathy! ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/78 "2004-01-05T12:44:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by paulberserker \* > **Geri Halliwell** Where? ---
**Author:** ![paulberserker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c4cdca/32.png) [@paulberserker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/paulberserker)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/79 "2004-01-05T12:50:29Z")
what, you want a cite? I was just referring to the fact they’re both attention seeking whores. perhaps he should change his dopername. it would fit better. ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557/80 "2004-01-05T12:51:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by paulberserker \* > **what, you want a cite?** Yes, dammit. Preferably one with cleavage. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girl-what-the-fuck/222557.md?page=5)