# Girlfriend emotionally attached? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 14, 2014, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770 "2014-01-14T07:32:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2014, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/41 "2014-01-15T17:22:05Z")
It was off again-on again for ten years. It sounds like it’s on again. > [@Ironed](#): > > It was a friends-with-benefits whenever they were both single kind of situation. It sounds like it’s going to be that again, except for the last part. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2014, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/42 "2014-01-15T17:29:59Z")
Experience tells me that if the situation was reversed, she wouldn’t be good with it. IMHO she is selfish, and not committed to your relationship. Find someone better. ---
**Author:** ![runningdude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e9c0ed/32.png) [@runningdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runningdude)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2014, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/43 "2014-01-15T21:51:39Z")
> [@DataX](#): > > She has no respect for your feelings. She will continue to make you feel like you are being a possessive pice of shit boyfriend who is insecure. > > Of course you are insecure - she is dating her ex and asking your permission. … I don’t believe you read the original post. She visited her friend twice (who happens to be an ex), while he was in town from overseas. This is not “dating”. ---
**Author:** ![runningdude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e9c0ed/32.png) [@runningdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runningdude)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2014, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/44 "2014-01-15T22:02:01Z")
> [@Ironed](#): > > … > > My question was more along the lines of are the extent of her actions appropriate for a relationship and considerate to me, her boyfriend? As I said, you are the new person in her life. You’ve been in her life for a year, this other guy for ten. Having a “boyfriend” does not mean she automatically abandons her other friendships. Whether this is “appropriate” depends on the mutual boundary you and your girlfriend set. You need to have an honest conversation about this, and not shutdown because you are “too tired to argue”. If the friendship turns out to be something your not comfortable with, then you will at least have the facts. She told you about the relationship, so it is you who have to decide if you can live with it. ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2014, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/45 "2014-01-16T01:22:39Z")
I’ll jump into the “If she won’t include you in the hanging out” group - if she wants to maintain a friendship, she should be thrilled that her new lover (you) wants to meet her very bestest friend with whom she is NOT banging - what would make you think that a behavior pattern of 10 years is still present? Silly you! She preferred to hang with him when it made you uncomfortable - that puts him above you in her pecking order. That fact is the thing that needs resolution - if you can’t be a group, her relationship is not harmless. ---
**Author:** ![runningdude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e9c0ed/32.png) [@runningdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runningdude)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2014, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/46 "2014-01-16T01:28:20Z")
> [@usedtobe](#): > > I’ll jump into the “If she won’t include you in the hanging out” group - if she wants to maintain a friendship, she should be thrilled that her new lover (you) wants to meet her very bestest friend with whom she is NOT banging - what would make you think that a behavior pattern of 10 years is still present? Silly you! > > She preferred to hang with him when it made you uncomfortable - that puts him above you in her pecking order. > > That fact is the thing that needs resolution - if you can’t be a group, her relationship is not harmless. She has hung out with him twice. There is not any evidence that she refused to invite the OP yet. ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2014, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/47 "2014-01-16T02:56:36Z")
> [@runningdude](#): > > She has hung out with him twice. There is not any evidence that she refused to invite the OP yet. I didn’t say she had. Note first word of my description of the group I was joining: “IF she won’t”. Now try a do-over on reading the post. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Ironed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/82dd89/32.png) [@Ironed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ironed)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2014, 8:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/48 "2014-01-16T08:22:08Z")
> [@prettydorky](#): > > I think ultimately though, you’re going to have to trust her either way and let her make those decisions. You brought up your feelings and she can decide whether to respect those or not. Respecting how you feel is not the same thing as doing what you want her to. And if she is going to cheat on you, she’ll do it whether she has your “permission” to hang out with him or not. The fact that she has been pretty communicative and honest so far is a good sign. I’d let this one go for now and shelve the issue- but I think you’re right to hold the relationship out at arm’s length and examine it, and think about if it’s really what you want. Your post really resonated with me, especially this part. Thank you. > [@B.Serum](#): > > So that’s why I called bullshit at the top of my first reply. I guess I don’t see the reason for someone getting bent out of shape when their significant other spends time with other people unless they don’t trust them. Maybe your girlfriend is not trustworthy, but THAT is the discussion you should be having. The discomfort with the ex is just a symptom of the real issue. Along the same lines as prettydorky, thank you for your input. I decided that the bottom line is I need to trust her until she gives me reason not to. I told her this last night and we’re back on good terms. I always preach that you should give others the benefit of the doubt but coincidentally it’s been hard to do in this situation. I know the majority of relationship advice on the internet seems to always be in favor of dumping and moving on but thank you both for going against the grain. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2014, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/49 "2014-01-16T16:49:42Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > So basically, we have two camps here. There’s the “Fuck that shit” camp and then there’s the “Mature people can stay friends with their exes” camp. > > And of course, the implied part of the latter is, if you’re not cool with that, clearly, you must be immature. :rolleyes: WTF ever. You’re adding that. It’s not implied. But I agree with the rest of your post, for the most part. > [@prettydorky](#): > > So every circumstance is just so different. THAT is the truth. > [@TriPolar](#): > > Experience tells me that if the situation was reversed, she wouldn’t be good with it. IMHO she is selfish, and not committed to your relationship. Find someone better. That’s a guess. Could be true, could be false. I think there are good reasons to be cautious, and a good chance that things are going south. But there’s also a decent change that there really isn’t a big issue, other than not working it out together like adults. ---
**Author:** ![runningdude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e9c0ed/32.png) [@runningdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runningdude)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/50 "2014-01-17T18:11:40Z")
> [@usedtobe](#): > > … > Note first word of my description of the group I was joining: “IF she won’t”. > > Now try a do-over on reading the post. > > Thank you. I read it correctly the first time. Your post holds the girlfriend to an impossibly high standard of having tied up all her loose ends and holds her to an arbitrary standard that she must invite the OP to meet this guy soon to prove she is not cheating. I’d envy you if you never had a complicated or messy friendship. I had an ex-girlfriend while in college that I grew up with but who moved far away. She was living on the edge of poverty who seemed to have me as her only friend :smack:. It was a tough and awkward situation… I would have loved to have a supportive current girlfriend at the time. Her support and trust during this stressful time would have brought us so close! However, I recognized honestly to myself, that given an ultimatum between not breaking off contact with my ex, or staying with a current girl (whom I would have only known for a few months), I would necessarily choose the ex. I do not know what the exact situation the OP’s girlfriend is in, but assuming it is at all similar (not unreasonable, as her ex seems to have moved overseas to study, and was having difficulties), then working her current boyfriend into the dynamic may be difficult. It is not necessarily inappropriate for him to not be immediately involved; given enough time, however, priority should shift towards the boyfriend, especially if they become engaged. **Failure to shift priority** , over time, would be a sign that the girlfriend does not take her current relationship seriously. At this early stage (and I consider a year to be an early stage), maintaining long standing friendships is perhaps a good sign. It shows that she is not too flaky, and doesn’t consider men to be disposable. The OP already trust that she won’t become sexually involved, and seems to be willing to continue to trust her. Continued honesty and trust are what are necessary for a healthy relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2014, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/51 "2014-01-18T14:45:09Z")
So she’s the ex’s ONLY friend ? And she’s not going to be tempted in the least to see if she can still tempt him sexually ? And she’d be quite happy if he started spending lots of time with an ex GF, always with out her about ? Sounds like they’re both carrying a torch for each other, whether they know it or not, and its only the geographical situation thats keeping them from being an item, whatever they’re telling themselves . It almost sounds like she’s only using the O.P. to keep her company until the other guy comes back. ---
**Author:** ![randompattern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7993a0/32.png) [@randompattern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/randompattern)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2014, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/52 "2014-01-18T15:08:24Z")
She wants to go out with her ex, you told her you weren’t comfortable with it, she went anyway. All you need to do is decide if you’re willing to continue to live like that or not. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2014, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/53 "2014-01-18T16:06:08Z")
> [@runningdude](#): > > I do not know what the exact situation the OP’s girlfriend is in, but assuming it is at all similar (not unreasonable, as her ex seems to have moved overseas to study, and was having difficulties), then working her current boyfriend into the dynamic may be difficult. It is not necessarily inappropriate for him to not be immediately involved; given enough time, however, priority should shift towards the boyfriend, **especially if they become engaged**. Bolding mine. Priority should have shifted to the boyfriend before they even think about becoming engaged. And given the way the OP describes the gf’s normal interactions with this ex, I’m not particularly convinced the priority shouldn’t have already shifted. Yeah, yeah, I know, she’s known the ex 10 years and the OP 1 year and 10 is a much bigger number than 1. But from my point of view, you have the guy she’s been dating for a year vs. the guy she “occasionally” texts or FB messages with. Whatever the past _was_, the present _is_ that she would seem to have a much deeper, more vital relationship with the OP than the ex. Well, at least when she and the ex are out of physical proximity. When they are in proximity, there’s a fairly abrupt shift toward greater emotional intimacy–confiding problems he never told her about before, wanting to spend more time together for moral support. If they have such a big fat Damon and Pythias friendship that it’s more important than her romantic relationship, it seems more than a touch strange that he’s never mentioned these troubles to her during their normal communication. Lord knows I’ve spent enough time on FB messaging about work problems, and marriage problems, and general “life sucks right now” problems with friends who are difficult to communicate with in other ways because of distance or scheduling. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2014, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/54 "2014-01-20T15:39:30Z")
> [@Ironed](#): > > She would say that it’s only because he’s in town for only a couple weeks and that he’s having a hard time. I just don’t completely buy that. Am I being insecure by being irritated by this? Should I just trust her and allow her to hang out with her ex at her discretion? You have already let her know that you ‘are having a hard time’ with her actions, but, **she has chosen to put his feelings above yours.** You are her backup, in case her ex doesn’t want to get back together with her. How you want to deal with it is your business, but here is a tip: Her ex is the one calling the shots, not you nor your ‘gf’. Whatever he says is what’s going to happen. If it were me, I would drop her like a ton of bricks. BTW, you internally questioned her judgement about the dinner/movie. No need. Her judgement is fine, IYKWIM. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2014, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/55 "2014-02-11T20:47:35Z")
Update? ---
**Author:** ![runningdude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e9c0ed/32.png) [@runningdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runningdude)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2014, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/56 "2014-02-12T05:35:57Z")
> [@Lust4Life](#): > > So she’s the ex’s ONLY friend ? Possibly in her country. Remember, her ex lives overseas, and is only visiting for a few weeks. ---
**Author:** ![scratch\_llll](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9fc348/32.png) [@scratch\_llll](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scratch_llll)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2014, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/57 "2014-02-12T05:50:32Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > Update? I don’t think he is going to feel comfortable admiting you are correct, handsomeharry. ---
**Author:** ![sentrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac8455/32.png) [@sentrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sentrix)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2014, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/58 "2014-02-12T05:54:47Z")
sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too. an ex is an ex, but is there are issues to work out still then that’s what it is. she hasn’t moved on. may be perfectly harmless but mmm. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2014, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/59 "2014-02-12T07:32:41Z")
> [@scratch\_llll](#): > > I don’t think he is going to feel comfortable admiting you are correct, handsomeharry. 😃 Well, if \*he \*doesn’t, somebody, somewhere will! I just know it! I’ll have to just keep on letting people know that their dreams are shattered until that day comes. ---
**Author:** ![sentrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac8455/32.png) [@sentrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sentrix)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2014, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770/60 "2014-02-12T07:41:25Z")
well you must be handsome as the nic suggests, unless you are compensating for something. shattered dreams. mn. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-emotionally-attached/678770.md?page=4)