# Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444 "2010-05-05T20:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/181 "2010-05-07T19:47:13Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > There seems to be a lot of ignorance about emotional affairs. They are so easy to have these days, with cellphones and IM and email and PMing, and it can be really difficult to say where the boundary is between having a friend of your preferred sex and having an emotional affair that negatively affects your relationship (but there definitely is a big difference). As many people have already said, an emotional affair can be just as devastating as a physical one, which a lot of people don’t realize - they have an idea that if no touching occurred, everything’s acceptable. > > One of the ways I’ve heard it described is that a friend should also be a friend of the relationship; they should be known to both parties, and they should also support the relationship. It’s a warning flag if you are keeping your friendship hidden (or going out to talk so your partner won’t hear), or if your preferred-sex friend talks about your relationship negatively (or if you use your preferred-sex friend to dump on your relationship yourself). You and your partner should be building a safe place together; you shouldn’t be tearing that down with a third party. Yeah, this is very true. I’m one of those weird people who would probably find it far more devastating to find out my spouse is having an emotional affair with someone else (talking to her about emotional stuff, sharing things with her that he won’t share with me, etc.) than if I found out he was having a sexual affair with “no strings attached.” This sort of happened to us in college, before we were married–there was a woman in his college music group who I’m pretty sure liked him and would have liked to get further with him, and they ended up going on choir tours together (including a cruise). I was extremely jealous–not because I was afraid anything physical was going to happen, but because I hated the idea that the two of them were “alone” together doing something fun that I couldn’t join in on. I asked him not to spend a lot of time with her, and he agreed not to, so everything worked out fine (she’s happily married now with a couple of kids and we’re all still friends). But even back then I could see the potential for something like that to go wrong. You can’t control who you have feelings for. Occasionally when I was younger I would catch myself getting little “crushes” on guy friends–not sexual crushes, but just the “unknown is more interesting than the known” sort of thing. None of them ever lasted–partly because I made a strong effort to discourage them in my mind for this very reason. ---
**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/182 "2010-05-14T01:09:39Z")
Well, as it turns out, those of you warning me about this were dead-on right. My girlfriend told me this Tuesday that she has already made plans to leave me and move back to Illinois, and that the guy she’s been talking to is a big reason why. I’ve done so much for her, and I loved her more than anything, and all it took was a few weeks for this guy to turn her around. I’ve been dumped before, but before last week I had no doubt this girl was The One. I was going to propose to her in two months. And now I have nothing. Sorry, I’m not thinking incredibly straight right now. Let this be a lesson to others in my situation, I guess. No matter how much you think you can trust your SO… don’t trust them too much. ---
**Author:** ![Cowgirl\_Jules](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@Cowgirl\_Jules](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cowgirl_Jules)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/183 "2010-05-14T01:13:00Z")
I’m sorry, Neo-Calredic. I’ve been reading, hoping it wouldn’t turn out this way. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/184 "2010-05-14T01:17:33Z")
I am deeply sorry to see that you’re dealing with this. Not that it’s any consolation to you, but I’m still happier (relatively speaking, of course) that you had some warning signs and a chance to ponder what was going on, rather than for her to have disappeared without a clue to you beforehand. I hope for a quick healing for you and happiness in the future. Good luck during a difficult time. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/185 "2010-05-14T01:23:23Z")
Aw man, I’m really sorry to hear that. ☹ The pain is probably damn near unbearable right now but please believe that it _will_ get better. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/186 "2010-05-14T01:33:14Z")
Wow, I’m so sorry ☹ ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/187 "2010-05-14T05:45:42Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > Well, as it turns out, those of you warning me about this were dead-on right. My girlfriend told me this Tuesday that she has already made plans to leave me and move back to Illinois, and that the guy she’s been talking to is a big reason why. > > I’ve done so much for her, and I loved her more than anything, and all it took was a few weeks for this guy to turn her around. I’ve been dumped before, but before last week I had no doubt this girl was The One. I was going to propose to her in two months. And now I have nothing. > > Sorry, I’m not thinking incredibly straight right now. Let this be a lesson to others in my situation, I guess. No matter how much you think you can trust your SO… don’t trust them too much. Please don’t let her stay with you until she’s gone. I’m angry FOR you, man. Shit like this is why I don’t get attached anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/188 "2010-05-14T05:49:16Z")
Sorry to hear about that. It sounds like the move wasn’t the right decision for her, but it certainly sucks that you got burned in the process. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/189 "2010-05-14T05:56:08Z")
I’m so sorry, **Neo**. You seem like such a reasonable and caring person. Love, the trusting, faithful kind–is out there to be had. I know you probably don’t want to think about that right now, but tuck it away in the back of your mind. Real love exists, and it’s worth losing someone unfaithful to find it. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/190 "2010-05-14T05:59:35Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > \ > > I’ve done so much for her, and I loved her more than anything, and all it took was a few weeks for this guy to turn her around. I’ve been dumped before, but before last week I had no doubt this girl was The One. I was going to propose to her in two months. And now I have nothing. I’m terribly sorry that you’re going through this, but I don’t think it was as simple as that - I’m afraid she was unhappy about things and this guy was an out, not the cause of her wanting to leave you. > [@](#): > > \No matter how much you think you can trust your SO… don’t trust them too much. I would amend that to not trusting them too much after they’ve acted in an untrustworthy way. Because one person acted badly and hurt you doesn’t mean everyone will. Like **Olives** said, you’re hurting and grieving now, and it will be a while before you heal, but please don’t write trust off forever. ---
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/191 "2010-05-14T07:40:43Z")
Pretty bad that it turned out like this, but try to keep a positive attitude as best as possible. Without her insecurities holding you back you can move on to better things for yourself. She will eventually realize what a stupid mistake she made leaving you for some tool she met on the Internet. I still think you should confront him. Call him up and bitch him out. Might make you feel better. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/192 "2010-05-14T08:04:03Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > She will eventually realize what a stupid mistake she made leaving you for some tool she met on the Internet. While I’m sure that the OP appreciates the thought behind this comment, I don’t think this is true. It sounds like she’s just unhappy and general. She might get bored of this guy like she got bored of the OP but I don’t think there’s a reason to think she’ll regret her decision. If anything she’ll be happy to be home again (she’s moving back to her hometown to be with this asshat, right?). > [@kidneyfailure](#): > > I still think you should confront him. Call him up and bitch him out. Might make you feel better. I don’t think this is wise. ---
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/193 "2010-05-14T08:55:42Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I don’t think this is wise. Well, I didn’t want to ask this in my last post because I thought it might sound insensitive, but, honestly, what does OP have to lose? I’m not saying he should threaten to kill the guy or anything. Just call him up and give him a piece of his mind. Or, hell, not even that…maybe just ask him what the hell happened and how long it had been going on in a nice, respectful way if that’s what he feels like doing. If I was the OP I’d let that son of a bitch have it. Why the hell not? That’s just me, though. OP seems to be a bit more sensitive (or level-headed, maybe) than I am. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/194 "2010-05-14T08:59:34Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > Well, I didn’t want to ask this in my last post because I thought it might sound insensitive, but, honestly, what does OP have to lose? I’m not saying he should threaten to kill the guy or anything. Just call him up and give him a piece of his mind. Or, hell, not even that…maybe just ask him what the hell happened and how long it had been going on in a nice, respectful way if that’s what he feels like doing. > > If I was the OP I’d let that son of a bitch have it. Why the hell not? That’s just me, though. OP seems to be a bit more sensitive (or level-headed, maybe) than I am. There’s the chance that this guy is much better at verbal teabagging than the OP. The last thing the OP wants after having the love of his life leave him is having the guy she left him for completely pwn him on the phone. ---
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 9:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/195 "2010-05-14T09:37:10Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > There’s the chance that this guy is much better at verbal teabagging than the OP. The last thing the OP wants after having the love of his life leave him is having the guy she left him for completely pwn him on the phone. Ok, I guess. It would indeed suck to get dumped and then get a tongue lashing from the guy you’ve been left for. Still, getting a few good "fuck you"s off to the guy would make me feel better. That’s just me, though. To each their own. ---
**Author:** ![Creole\_Tomato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a4c791/32.png) [@Creole\_Tomato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creole_Tomato)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/196 "2010-05-14T12:37:12Z")
I’m so sorry, and I second what was said here. You deserve (and will find) better. > [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I’ve done so much for her, and I loved her more than anything, and all it took was a few weeks for this guy to turn her around. I’ve been dumped before, but before last week I had no doubt this girl was The One. I was going to propose to her in two months. **And now I have nothing.** I think it’s the opposite. Before, you _thought_ you had something, but it was a house of cards. Now the house has fallen, and it will take some time to clean up the mess. But when you’re finished, you can build something real and solid with someone you can trust. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/197 "2010-05-14T13:38:23Z")
Neo Calredic - You are going to be way better off. You do not want to end up in a long term relationship with some flakey chick that will take off across the country for some dude she has never met face-to-face. GOOD RIDDANCE! And I agree with Melon man, I hope her plans that she made include moving out right now. She has no right to continuing to live off of you while she works toward being with him. ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/198 "2010-05-14T13:47:09Z")
I’d kick her ass out ASAP. Let’s see how the new guy’s fantasy starts shaking apart when he starts having to pay for her hotel, bus ticket, etc. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/199 "2010-05-14T13:53:15Z")
Oh yeah, I didn’t even think about that part. PLEASE tell me you kicked her cheating ass out… ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/200 "2010-05-14T14:04:10Z")
> [@Creole\_Tomato](#): > > I think it’s the opposite. Before, you _thought_ you had something, but it was a house of cards. Now the house has fallen, and it will take some time to clean up the mess. But when you’re finished, you can build something real and solid with someone you can trust. Well said. I completely second this. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=11)