# Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444 "2010-05-05T20:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![Creole\_Tomato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a4c791/32.png) [@Creole\_Tomato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creole_Tomato)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/201 "2010-05-14T14:04:16Z")
Add me to the list. If she can find a new boyfriend a thousand miles away, she can damn well find her way home. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/202 "2010-05-14T14:14:09Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > Still, getting a few good "fuck you"s off to the guy would make me feel better. That’s just me, though. To each their own. That sounds like pointless, self-serving drama for the sake of being a drama queen to me. To the o.p.: I suppose it is small consolation right now, but sooner or later you’ll realize that this same insecure, communication-impaired woman you were living with would have become the insecure, communication-impaired woman you would have been engaged and married to. She just did you a huge favor of showing you that she wasn’t half as interested in a future with you as you were with her. This isn’t even a slight on her; she may be a fantastic woman, but she isn’t the fantastic woman who is going to stick by your side through all seasons, and as painful as this is at the moment, it is far more complicated and distressing when going through a divorce, splitting up property, and negotiating custody of your issue. This woman just saved you X thousands of dollars and years of your life by showing how she responds under pressure. Write a thank you note to her and post-date it a couple of years from now, and then look it over again before you send it in 2012. You do need to get her out of your flat and out of your life–or at least far enough away that you can start moving ahead with your own life–as soon as possible. This doesn’t mean being nasty and vengeful about it, and in fact, you’ll be better off in the long run if you take the high road and are as beneficent and undramatic (but firm) about it. If that means you buy her a plane ticket home, so be it. (Make it the cheapest one you can find, though; there’s being munificent and then there is being a sucker.) Don’t stir up the pot just to satisfy a transitory itch for satisfaction that you’ll look back on later with self-disdain. Just get her out of your life, spend the requisite time mourning the loss of what you thought would be, come to the realization that it was never going to play out that way, and move on to the next good thing. And if she rings you up ten years later and bemoans her life has gone into the crapper since she left you, apologize that you can’t really talk right now but your Jessica Rabbit-esque wife is calling you that the taxi just arrived and you’ve just leaving on a three month whirlwind honeymoon tour of Europe, and that you’ll call her back the moment you return and tell her all about how wonderful it was and that you made love to your wife (who by the way looks like Scarlett Johannson’s older and more sultry-looking sister, and also plays a really challenging game of naked chess) on the Prada wheel in Venice with fireworks shooting in the background. Oh, and you just got promoted to the corner office at work, only your boss said not to get too comfortable because he’s going to be sending you to straighten out the Venice branch office for six months including a private car and penthouse condo. Good luck to you. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/203 "2010-05-14T14:17:03Z")
> [@SmellMyWort](#): > > I’d kick her ass out ASAP. Let’s see how the new guy’s fantasy starts shaking apart when he starts having to pay for her hotel, bus ticket, etc. Fourthed or fifthed or however many people have said it. If she doesn’t have the decency to tell you she wants to leave before screwing around (mentally anyway), she doesn’t deserve the decency of your home anymore. > [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > And if she rings you up ten years later and bemoans her life has gone into the crapper since she left you, apologize that you can’t really talk right now but your Jessica Rabbit-esque wife is calling you that the taxi just arrived and you’ve just leaving on a three month whirlwind honeymoon tour of Europe… It was only two years, but it’s amazing how satisfying this is. ---
**Author:** ![Staggerlee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/staggerlee/32/3134_2.png) [@Staggerlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Staggerlee)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/204 "2010-05-14T14:21:52Z")
I’d be in the pub if I was the OP, but just wanted to say this; when my long-term girlfriend left me a couple of years ago there was another bloke on the scene, who similarly was a ‘friend’ to her. The prospect of this c\*nt bettering me had me quite upset and ego-withered for a while, but he turned out to be nothing special, not even especially evil in intent. Just a catalyst, inadvertently playing a necessary role for her to leave a relationship she didn’t want. And two years later, she regrets it but it’s too late - I’m with a saner woman. Keep strong, comrade! ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/205 "2010-05-14T14:24:59Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I’ve done so much for her, and I loved her more than anything, and all it took was a few weeks for this guy to turn her around. I’ve been dumped before, but before last week I had no doubt this girl was The One. I was going to propose to her in two months. And now I have nothing. I just saw this thread for the first time and it’s probably for the best, because I would have posted the wrong advice. I’m really sorry, man. I can’t even imagine what kind of a bummer this whole thing must be for you - but I guess at least you had a little bit of warning. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/206 "2010-05-14T14:32:59Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I just saw this thread for the first time and it’s probably for the best, because I would have posted the wrong advice. What advice would you have posted? ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/207 "2010-05-14T14:34:09Z")
> [@Staggerlee](#): > > I’d be in the pub if I was the OP, but just wanted to say this; when my long-term girlfriend left me a couple of years ago there was another bloke on the scene, who similarly was a ‘friend’ to her. The prospect of this c\*nt bettering me had me quite upset and ego-withered for a while, but he turned out to be nothing special, not even especially evil in intent. Just a catalyst, inadvertently playing a necessary role for her to leave a relationship she didn’t want. Yeah, I think most “cheating” falls into this category. It’s basically a symptom of a broken relationship rather than the cause. OP, I wish you well. It’s tempting to be awful to her and to this man, but you’ll likely feel best about yourself if you maintain a level of civility. It’s not because someone else deserves it; it’s because you deserve it. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/208 "2010-05-14T14:45:49Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > What advice would you have posted? Something along the lines of, “I wouldn’t say you have nothing to worry about, but I do think most of the people here are jumping to conclusions a bit too quickly. On the other hand, I can’t remember having a three hour phone conversation with somebody I wasn’t trying to fuck.” ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/209 "2010-05-14T15:04:27Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > Ok, I guess. It would indeed suck to get dumped and then get a tongue lashing from the guy you’ve been left for. > > Still, getting a few good "fuck you"s off to the guy would make me feel better. That’s just me, though. To each their own. He should call the other dude and tell him that, just fyi, she’s got genital herpes. ---
**Author:** ![Creole\_Tomato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a4c791/32.png) [@Creole\_Tomato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creole_Tomato)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/210 "2010-05-14T15:22:10Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > And if she rings you up ten years later and bemoans her life has gone into the crapper since she left you, apologize that you can’t really talk right now but your Jessica Rabbit-esque wife is calling you that the taxi just arrived and you’ve just leaving on a three month whirlwind honeymoon tour of Europe, and that you’ll call her back the moment you return and tell her all about how wonderful it was and that you made love to your wife (who by the way looks like Scarlett Johannson’s older and more sultry-looking sister, and also plays a really challenging game of naked chess) on the Prada wheel in Venice with fireworks shooting in the background. Oh, and you just got promoted to the corner office at work, only your boss said not to get too comfortable because he’s going to be sending you to straighten out the Venice branch office for six months including a private car and penthouse condo. This is beautiful. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/211 "2010-05-14T15:22:17Z")
> [@](#): > > He should call the other dude and tell him that, just fyi, she’s got genital herpes. I think that goes without saying. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/212 "2010-05-14T15:25:38Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Something along the lines of, “I wouldn’t say you have nothing to worry about, but I do think most of the people here are jumping to conclusions a bit too quickly. On the other hand, I can’t remember having a three hour phone conversation with somebody I wasn’t trying to fuck.” That’s basically what I said, and I still think people jumped to conclusions too quickly, even knowing the outcome. ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/213 "2010-05-14T15:46:22Z")
When I was once betrayed in a relationship, I bemoaned my naivete to a friend. She asked, me, “Would you rather be an untrusting person or a trusting person?” You are not a rube. Your behavior towards this woman reflects your values: honesty, trust, intimacy, collaboration, not giving up in the face of hardship. These are all good things. When in doubt, you are not afraid to sit down and tell your SO what your fears are and what you need from her. You asked for respect and honesty. That she didn’t give it to you is on her. I respect the hell out of how you handled this. You need to find a woman who’s enough of a grown-up to take responsibility for her own feelings and needs. You will find a woman worthy of your maturity and heart, who will treat you with respect (and will treat herself with respect). You will. Grieve and heal and try again. ---
**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/214 "2010-05-14T17:21:02Z")
> [@](#): > > Oh yeah, I didn’t even think about that part. PLEASE tell me you kicked her cheating ass out… I can’t just kick her out. She has nowhere to go out here and no money to get herself a place to stay until she leaves on the 25th. Regardless of how she’s hurt me, I still love her–the thought of just putting her out on the street with nothing but the clothes on her back is unbearable. I guess I wish I was that kind of person–the kind who could just say “Fuck you, you cheating bitch! Get out of my life forever!” But I just can’t. It wouldn’t make me feel any better anyway, so what would be the point? I don’t know, maybe that does make me a doormat. I like to think I have my pride, but if lashing out is only going to hurt a woman I still care deeply about and not make me feel any better, then what would be the point? > [@](#): > > If I was the OP I’d let that son of a bitch have it. Why the hell not? That’s just me, though. OP seems to be a bit more sensitive (or level-headed, maybe) than I am. Again, part of me would love to do this. Hell, part of me would love to find the guy and do things to him that are better left unspecified on a public message board. But again, what’s the point? Even if I whip out the wittiest, most devastating insults ever uttered by the tongue of man, at the end of the day he’s still stolen my girlfriend, and he knows it. Facing off with the guy would just give him the added satisfaction of knowing how much it’s getting to me. I lost. I’ve tried everything I can think of to change her mind, and it’s just not happening. I’m stuck living with her for the next two weeks, so all I can really decide at this point is how I want to spend our remaining time together. As angry and heartbroken as I am, I’d rather use these last few days to at least try and share a few more good moments, rather than wailing and gnashing my teeth to no effect. I honestly thought my days of eating meals and going to movies alone were over. And now the promise of who knows how many long, dark, lonely nights stretches out in front of me. It’s not a pleasant thought. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/215 "2010-05-14T17:34:38Z")
It’s interesting that so many people here (including the OP) are blaming the guy. Maybe it’s a gender thing, but I feel that the ex-girlfriend has about 90% of the blame - the guy was “Insert man here.” When you’re in a loving, stable relationship, any number of guys can call you up and chat and you won’t cross the line with any of them, because your man already has your heart - you’re committed to him and the relationship. I am sorry, **neo** , but she wasn’t committed to you and the relationship, and that’s why this happened, not because The New Guy is something special. I also think she should have thought about where she was going to go and how she was going to live before she dumped on her relationship, but I’m a “cut all ties” kind of person. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/216 "2010-05-14T17:39:18Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I lost. This phrase – it does not mean what you think it means. I don’t say that lightly. I used the same language when my wife found someone she wanted to be with more. She even threw the phrase back in my face, once. I felt like I’d lost a competition over her to a better man. But there was never a competition. She just needed an excuse to find her way out of a relationship where she wasn’t happy, and she didn’t have the introspection or the courage to do anything about it beforehand. You have not lost. You have gained an opportunity to find happiness with someone who will actually be happy with you. There isn’t any way that you’ll see that for a long time, but there will come a time when you appreciate that you were not mired any longer in a relationship with someone who was hiding her unhappiness from you (and probably from herself). I continue to wish you a swift journey to that point. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/217 "2010-05-14T17:40:26Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I can’t just kick her out. She has nowhere to go out here and no money to get herself a place to stay until she leaves on the 25th. Regardless of how she’s hurt me, I still love her–the thought of just putting her out on the street with nothing but the clothes on her back is unbearable. If you don’t do it, you will resent yourself forever. Give her 24 hours. What happens to her is her problem, not yours. Let her go to a homeless shelter. She chose this herself. You had nothing to do with it and nothing to feel guilty about. My suspicion is that, deep down, you just want to drag out the time she’s there in the hopes that you can eventually turn her back around. If you’re not going to kick her out, and you’re really just going to lay down completely like this, I don’t think there’s anything else we can help you with. If you’re not going to man up now, you never will. ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/218 "2010-05-14T17:41:55Z")
Go back and read \*\*Asimovian’s \*\*post again, **Neo**. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/219 "2010-05-14T17:43:47Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > This phrase – it does not mean what you think it means. I don’t say that lightly. I used the same language when my wife found someone she wanted to be with more. She even threw the phrase back in my face, once. I felt like I’d lost a competition over her to a better man. But there was never a competition. She just needed an excuse to find her way out of a relationship where she wasn’t happy, and she didn’t have the introspection or the courage to do anything about it beforehand. > > You have not lost. You have gained an opportunity to find happiness with someone who will actually be happy with you. There isn’t any way that you’ll see that for a long time, but there will come a time when you appreciate that you were not mired any longer in a relationship with someone who was hiding her unhappiness from you (and probably from herself). > > I continue to wish you a swift journey to that point. My intuition is that this chick was just a user from Jump Street and still is. I doubt this new guy is The One, he’s probably just a fatter target to exploit. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/220 "2010-05-14T17:44:42Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I can’t just kick her out. She has nowhere to go out here and no money to get herself a place to stay until she leaves on the 25th. Regardless of how she’s hurt me, I still love her–the thought of just putting her out on the street with nothing but the clothes on her back is unbearable. I guess I wish I was that kind of person–the kind who could just say “Fuck you, you cheating bitch! Get out of my life forever!” But I just can’t. It wouldn’t make me feel any better anyway, so what would be the point? I think you’re right. Were I in your position, I’d probably do the same—though I’d be _tempted_ to go off on a Sam Kinison-style screaming rant. > [@](#): > > Again, part of me would love to do this. Hell, part of me would love to find the guy and do things to him that are better left unspecified on a public message board. But again, what’s the point? Even if I whip out the wittiest, most devastating insults ever uttered by the tongue of man, at the end of the day he’s still stolen my girlfriend, and he knows it. As others have said, I think the guy was just the catalyst. Your girlfriend wasn’t happy where she is, she would have found someone or something else to leave for. A girl who can be “stolen” from you, especially by someone a thousand miles away, wasn’t really that committed to you. > [@](#): > > I honestly thought my days of eating meals and going to movies alone were over. And now the promise of who knows how many long, dark, lonely nights stretches out in front of me. It’s not a pleasant thought. Man, I sympathize with you. But things will get better. Look at those days alone as an opportunity to develop your own identity and interests, to explore and do things you like to do, and to prepare yourself to meet the woman who will eventually make you say, “I’m glad that flaky ex-girlfriend left me, so that I was available to meet you.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=12)