# Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444 "2010-05-05T20:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 12
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/221 "2010-05-14T17:46:40Z")
So how old is the OP again? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/222 "2010-05-14T17:46:56Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > That’s basically what I said, and I still think people jumped to conclusions too quickly, even knowing the outcome. We knew the outcome. We had enough data. Our conclusions were sound and justified. You don’t have to wait around to see if two plus two will equal four. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/223 "2010-05-14T17:49:32Z")
**Neo-Calredic** , I say this because I feel a sense of brotherly love with you: You need to sack the fuck up, NOW. > [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I can’t just kick her out. She has nowhere to go out here and no money to get herself a place to stay until she leaves on the 25th. Well gee, that’s unfortunate. Maybe she can ask her sweetheart to wire her some money. > [@Neo](#): > > Regardless of how she’s hurt me, I still love her–the thought of just putting her out on the street with nothing but the clothes on her back is unbearable. This is how you and I differ. When my SO trashed me I went, in a matter of moments, from loving her more than I thought was possible to being consumed by anger for her. In fact, I’d say that the love I felt for her is proportional to the hatred I feel now. > [@Nep](#): > > I guess I wish I was that kind of person–the kind who could just say “Fuck you, you cheating bitch! Get out of my life forever!” But I just can’t. It wouldn’t make me feel any better anyway, so what would be the point? This fucking bitch used you to escape her life and now she’s using you again. You realize that you are letting this chick stay in your home, eat your food and use your fucking electricity so that she can live in comfort until she gets to her next fuck, right? You realize she probably knew this was going to happen for a while now, right? You realize this means that she wasn’t even looking for a fucking job, right? You need to let a little hate into your heart. > [@Neo](#): > > I lost. I’ve tried everything I can think of to change her mind, and it’s just not happening. Yeah, we could have told you this. People don’t change their minds about these sorts of things. It’s not like in the movies. > [@Neo](#): > > all I can really decide at this point is how I want to spend our remaining time together. As angry and heartbroken as I am, I’d rather use these last few days to at least try and share a few more good moments WHAT? She is living off of your charity until she can be with another man. She’s going to be fucking this other man, **Neo**. He’s prepping himself right now to put his dick into your girlfriend and all the fuck you can do is try to think of ways to spend time with her and make new memories?! Have some self-respect. She’s already used you and betrayed you. Don’t let her get in this last indignity. I wish nothing but the best for you, man. Please change your mind. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/224 "2010-05-14T17:51:45Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > My intuition is that this chick was just a user from Jump Street and still is. I doubt this new guy is The One, he’s probably just a fatter target to exploit. You and I have generally have different perspectives on these things, so it’s no surprise that I don’t agree with your intuition, but I don’t think it matters from **Neo-Calredic** ’s perspective. Whether she was using him or whether she just fucked up, she’s about to be a part of his past. What matters is what he takes away from it. And I DO agree with you that this new guy isn’t any more special for her. He was just in a convenient place for her at the right time. ---
**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/225 "2010-05-14T17:52:40Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > This phrase – it does not mean what you think it means. I don’t say that lightly. I used the same language when my wife found someone she wanted to be with more. She even threw the phrase back in my face, once. I felt like I’d lost a competition over her to a better man. But there was never a competition. She just needed an excuse to find her way out of a relationship where she wasn’t happy, and she didn’t have the introspection or the courage to do anything about it beforehand. > > You have not lost. You have gained an opportunity to find happiness with someone who will actually be happy with you. There isn’t any way that you’ll see that for a long time, but there will come a time when you appreciate that you were not mired any longer in a relationship with someone who was hiding her unhappiness from you (and probably from herself). > > I continue to wish you a swift journey to that point. Thanks for this. I know you’re right, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. I just wonder how, if I can be this wrong about my current girlfriend, I can ever trust myself about anyone else in the future. I know I’m not the first person to feel that way, but man it sucks. > [@](#): > > So how old is the OP again? 1. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/226 "2010-05-14T17:53:27Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I can’t just kick her out. She has nowhere to go out here and no money to get herself a place to stay until she leaves on the 25th…I don’t know, maybe that does make me a doormat. I like to think I have my pride, but if lashing out is only going to hurt a woman I still care deeply about and not make me feel any better, then what would be the point?..I’m stuck living with her for the next two weeks, so all I can really decide at this point is how I want to spend our remaining time together. As angry and heartbroken as I am, I’d rather use these last few days to at least try and share a few more good moments, rather than wailing and gnashing my teeth to no effect. Are you one of those people who likes hitting yourself in the head with a hammer 'cause it feels so good when you stop? Find a hostel or cheap weekly hotel, put her up, and get her out of your life. You’ll feel far better for taking control and sending her on her way than staring mournfully at her, trying to figure out the right combination of words to reverse the situation (which ain’t gonna happen), and agonizing over why you aren’t better than the other guy (who, frankly, is probably even in for a bigger mind-fuck than you are; healthy mature adults don’t typically initiate relationships by calling cross-country to women who are in an existing relationship). Is there any reason she can’t leave before the 25th? Even if it means paying a change fee, you’re better off getting her out of your life as soon as physically possible. And too bad if that mucks up her plans; she’s not your problem any longer, and (repeat after me) you won’t take her back even if she returns begging. Life only goes in one direction, and that is inevitably, irreversibly forward. She’s part of your past, for better or for worse. > [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I honestly thought my days of eating meals and going to movies alone were over. And now the promise of who knows how many long, dark, lonely nights stretches out in front of me. It’s not a pleasant thought. I’m not the best person to offer comfort, but I will say that it is pretty nice to be able to pick which movie and what restaurant you want to go to without debate or discussion. Go out, join a few social groups or activities, make some friends, and get happy being by yourself rather than pining over this girl who cares so little about your happiness that she’d rather impose her post-breakup presence on your than make arrangements to at least let you wallow in peace. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/227 "2010-05-14T17:57:17Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > If you don’t do it, you will resent yourself forever. Give her 24 hours. What happens to her is her problem, not yours. Let her go to a homeless shelter. She chose this herself. You had nothing to do with it and nothing to feel guilty about. > > My suspicion is that, deep down, you just want to drag out the time she’s there in the hopes that you can eventually turn her back around. > > If you’re not going to kick her out, and you’re really just going to lay down completely like this, I don’t think there’s anything else we can help you with. If you’re not going to man up now, you never will. Yep. Agree with all this. Kick her out. That little flame that you’re tending, hoping that she’ll come back to you if you can just show her how much you love her? Snuff it out now, because you’re just acting like a fucking doormat. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/228 "2010-05-14T17:59:30Z")
When people advise others to just kick someone out of their home, they don’t realize that this is not legal. You have to legally evict someone that is living in your home. Even if you call the police and tell them that this person doesn’t live there anymore and you want them gone, the police will tell you to take them to court, it is a civil matter. I understand wanting to kick her out, via window even, but I’d advise the OP not to make more trouble for himself than he already has, and legal trouble at that. ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/229 "2010-05-14T18:01:33Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I lost. I’ve tried everything I can think of to change her mind, and it’s just not happening. Is that really the kind of girl you’re looking for long term? One that you have to convince she want’s to be with you? One who’s mind you have to change? Been there, f- that. Even if you could convince her to stay why would you want to be in a realtionship where where you had to talk the other person into it? If they really want to be with you they’ll be with you. If they want to flee then good riddance. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/230 "2010-05-14T18:02:43Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > When people advise others to just kick someone out of their home, they don’t realize that this is not legal. You have to legally evict someone that is living in your home. Even if you call the police and tell them that this person doesn’t live there anymore and you want them gone, the police will tell you to take them to court, it is a civil matter. > > I understand wanting to kick her out, via window even, but I’d advise the OP not to make more trouble for himself than he already has, and legal trouble at that. Isn’t that true only if they’re on the lease? Btw, OP, you can probably sue her for rent she didn’t pay while living with you, too. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/231 "2010-05-14T18:03:32Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Isn’t that true only if they’re on the lease? > > Btw, OP, you can probably sue her for rent she didn’t pay while living with you, too. Nope. And you can’t sue her for rent she didn’t pay if there was no agreement for her to pay rent. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/232 "2010-05-14T18:07:48Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Nope. And you can’t sue her for rent she didn’t pay if there was no agreement for her to pay rent. So if I ask you if I can stay the night and I wind up just not leaving you can’t kick me out? And hopefully the OP will weigh in and mention that there was an agreement. I have a feeling there wasn’t, though. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/233 "2010-05-14T18:09:58Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > So if I ask you if I can stay the night and I wind up just not leaving you can’t kick me out? In some states, absolutely. When I was renting an apartment in SC I was informed of this exact situation by my landlady. I’m not sure what the criteria in other states would be, but I know for a fact that you can’t kick out someone that’s living with you. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/234 "2010-05-14T18:12:20Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > When people advise others to just kick someone out of their home, they don’t realize that this is not legal. You have to legally evict someone that is living in your home. Even if you call the police and tell them that this person doesn’t live there anymore and you want them gone, the police will tell you to take them to court, it is a civil matter. Not true. I have been in a situation with roomates where we have had to kick a deadbeat roomie out of the house. We packed his shit, put it on the porch and moved in a new roomate while he (deadbeat roomie) was out. When DR got back, he got pissed and went to the cops. When the cops came back they just told us to get a couple of things we still had they he claimed were his. We gave them back, and the cop made him leave. Just because somebody sleeps in your home one time doesn’t mean they have a legal right to stay there forever. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/235 "2010-05-14T18:12:27Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > In some states, absolutely. When I was renting an apartment in SC I was informed of this exact situation by my landlady. I’m not sure what the criteria in other states would be, but I know for a fact that you can’t kick out someone that’s living with you. That scares the crap out of me. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/236 "2010-05-14T18:12:44Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > …she’d rather impose her post-breakup presence on your than make arrangements to at least let you wallow in peace. This. She has so little respect for you that she’s going to make you hang out with her for the next two weeks while she gets ready to go polish some other dude’s knob. You don’t need that kind of odious bitch in your life. Tell her to pack her shit and GTFO. I doubt she’s going to start proceedings to protest the eviction. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/237 "2010-05-14T18:13:26Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Isn’t that true only if they’re on the lease? Not in California. Even if her name isn’t on the lease, and there has been no agreement for her to pay rent, she is still a sub-tenant, and as such the main tenant (in this case, the OP) needs a lawful cause to evict. > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > So if I ask you if I can stay the night and I wind up just not leaving you can’t kick me out? It’s not that simple. What would be taken into account here is the length of the stay, and the understanding that existed between the parties at the beginning of the stay. If you come to my place for a three-night stay, and we agree to that, and neither of us ever states that this will be a permanent living arrangement, then you are just a visitor. But if i say to you, “Hey, do you want to move into my place,” and you agree, then a whole new set of rules kick in, and i can’t just say to you a few months later, “You need to move out tomorrow.” And this second scenario is the one that would apply to the OP. Having said all this, if i were the OP i’d still tell her to leave. She might just get up and go. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/238 "2010-05-14T18:13:44Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > In some states, absolutely. When I was renting an apartment in SC I was informed of this exact situation by my landlady. I’m not sure what the criteria in other states would be, but I know for a fact that you can’t kick out someone that’s living with you. yes you can. I’ve done it. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/239 "2010-05-14T18:14:01Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Not true. I have been in a situation with roomates where we have had to kick a deadbeat roomie out of the house. We packed his shit, put it on the porch and moved in anew roomate while he (deadbeat roomie) was out. When DR got back, he got pissed and went to the cops. When the cops came back they just told us to get a couple of things we still had they he claimed were his. We gave them back, and the cop made him leave. > > Just because somebody sleeps in your home one time doesn’t mean they have a legal right to stay there forever. I’m less scared and I’ve regenerated some crap. And OP, listen to **rabbit**. He knows his shit. and shit ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/240 "2010-05-14T18:15:15Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > yes you can. I’ve done it. People can and do get away with things that are illegal. Ignorance isn’t an excuse, remember? 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=11) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=13)