# Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444 "2010-05-05T20:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 14
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/261 "2010-05-14T20:04:49Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > Married? Who gives a flying fuck? What is this, the 1950s?Actually, i think that the one time when being an assholes is well and truly justified is when someone has been an asshole to you. Retaliation might not necessarily be the most admirable path, as a general rule, but i don’t believe anyone has a moral obligation to act fairly towards someone who has screwed them over. At least if he was married to her he’d have some rights, is all I was saying. But then, so would she. Being homeless and on the street in a city you’re not even familiar with is a harsh punishment. Some people are just cold as ice. I wouldn’t do that to an enemy, much less some girl I’d dragged across the country to be with me, even if it didn’t work out between us. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/262 "2010-05-14T20:09:10Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > Married? Who gives a flying fuck? What is this, the 1950s? Okay, how about this: “He did move across the country with someone who hadn’t ever formally promised to stay with him.” Whatever decade this is, I think people who are married have more of an obligation to one another than do people who are just boyfriend/girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/263 "2010-05-14T20:12:44Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Being homeless and on the street in a city you’re not even familiar with is a harsh punishment. Some people are just cold as ice. I wouldn’t do that to an enemy, much less some girl I’d dragged across the country to be with me, even if it didn’t work out between us. I don’t believe the OP has made any mention of dragging anyone anywhere. And I’m sorry, but once you are discovered as a cheater, your right to decent treatment is forfeit. Neo can be a good person and do that if he so chooses, but (as someone else said) she made her bed. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/264 "2010-05-14T20:14:18Z")
She hasn’t technically been discovered as a cheater. She mentioned the guy as a factor for her leaving, and they’ve spoken on the phone. It’s not like the OP caught her in his bed fucking the guy. ---
**Author:** ![malkavia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malkavia/32/5621_2.png) [@malkavia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/malkavia)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/265 "2010-05-14T20:15:05Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I just wonder how, if I can be this wrong about my current girlfriend, I can ever trust myself about anyone else in the future. I know I’m not the first person to feel that way, but man it sucks. Small anecdote for you: On April 13th, 2008, one of my closest friends married a woman she met a year or so prior. To look at them, one was certain they were seeing true love. They were inseparable, cute to the point of inducing cavities and both looked at the other like she was the only woman in the world. On April 19th, 2008 my friend called me in tears. Her new wife spent the majority of their 6 day honeymoon texting her ex-girlfriend which she reconnected with DURING THE WEDDING RECEPTION!! At the end of their honeymoon, the new Misses abruptly informed my friend that her services were no longer required and she would be moving her ex into their house, so it would be best if my friend came to stay with me. I’m recounting this story because it is now May of 2010, my friend has been with a new girl who takes great care of her for a little over a year, she and her new girlfriend have many shared interests and her life is SO much better than it was even 3 years ago with the ex. Whenever I’m feeling particularly jaded and insecure, I think of my friend. If she could love and trust again after losing the partner of her dreams essentially on her wedding day, then certainly I can learn to trust again after a break up, right?! What makes her different than me is that being happy is more important than never hurting again. She knows it could end, but that doesn’t stop her from enjoying it. She often tells me, “You know, it will hurt even if you waste the whole time expecting it to.” This will get better for you. You did all of the right things and you kept your integrity througout the relationship. It hurts now, but I echo those who assure you that it will pass. I don’t know if I’d have the heart to kick her out into the streets either, but I would certainly put her on the couch, eat without her and completely ignore her presence until she left. I would also ask that she remove her belongings from your room and keep her things in bags until she goes. She’s no longer welcome in your home and you are doing her an undeserved kindness in allowing her to not be homeless. This should be neither comfortable nor easy for her. She should feel the entire weight of losing you, not keeping you as a pacifier until she’s able to swing to the next vine. And for pete’s sake, GO OUT. Don’t stay at home where you can smell her perfume, see her face and remember that time you pillow fought on the couch. Be home to sleep and shower until the 25th. The more physical distance you find, the better off you will be. Promise. ---
**Author:** ![Woeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@Woeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Woeg)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/266 "2010-05-14T20:18:36Z")
He may not be able to legally kick her out, but he is under no legal obligations to care for her either. Get rid of any food you have in the house, and eat out for a few weeks. Cut off anything frivolous - cable, internet, anything you can live without for a couple of weeks. Take all her belongings and pack them in garbage bags, and pile them somewhere inconvenient to her and out of your way. She’ll get the message. ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/267 "2010-05-14T20:19:33Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Being homeless and on the street in a city you’re not even familiar with is a harsh punishment. Why would she be homeless? Again, this presumes she has no one that can front her the money for a hotel room? Or to fly back earlier and have her stuff shipped? Where’s the new guy in all this? She has no credit card? Not one? If she’s that bad off that she will be homeless (homeless???) then she’s pretty irresponsible herself. Who in their right mind as an adult has no means to take care of the shelter and food for a week? What if, god forbid, something had happened to the OP? What would she have done then? It’s not heartless to protect yourself and your mental health. What IS heartless is to lead your boyfriend to believe in a reality that didn’t exist and to lie. And to lie again. And then to break it off and expect it to be ok to stay on in the home you shared together until you can leave to go be with the new guy. ---
**Author:** ![crazyjoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f14d63/32.png) [@crazyjoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crazyjoe)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/268 "2010-05-14T20:21:52Z")
Initially, I woudl have agreed with RNATB about not kicking her out (and some of you people ARE assholes…that much I agree with). Instead, I would find someplace cheap for her to stay and insist she goes there. And then change the locks. Regardless of how much you care for this woman, she just took all of your trust and dumped it. Whether out of cowardice, ignorance, or just plain evilness, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you don’t really know to what extent you can trust her. She could steal your shit and sell it on craigslist, or do bad things with your credit, or any number of things. She needs to be out of the apartment, for both of your sakes. I can’t beleive you’re waiting till the 25th for her to go. Book her on Greyhound or amtrak or something, and get her gone now… ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/269 "2010-05-14T20:22:21Z")
> [@niblet\_head](#): > > Why would she be homeless? Again, this presumes she has no one that can front her the money for a hotel room? Or to fly back earlier and have her stuff shipped? Where’s the new guy in all this? > > She has no credit card? Not one? > > If she’s that bad off that she will be homeless (homeless???) then she’s pretty irresponsible herself. Who in their right mind as an adult has no means to take care of the shelter and food for a week? What if, god forbid, something had happened to the OP? What would she have done then? > > It’s not heartless to protect yourself and your mental health. What IS heartless is to lead your boyfriend to believe in a reality that didn’t exist and to lie. And to lie again. And then to break it off and expect it to be ok to stay on in the home you shared together until you can leave to go be with the new guy. I don’t know, didn’t the OP indicate that she had no resources at the moment? And not everyone has people to call for money at any moment. I surely would expect her to be gone post-haste if she has any means at all, but I thought the OP had indicated that she didn’t. I’m not advocating coddling her at all, but I don’t think kicking her out to live on the street and starve are good options, either. ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/270 "2010-05-14T20:23:59Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > She hasn’t technically been discovered as a cheater. She mentioned the guy as a factor for her leaving, and they’ve spoken on the phone. It’s not like the OP caught her in his bed fucking the guy. ??? She’s point blank stated that she’s leaving him to go move in with other guy. On a scale from uncertainty to smoking gun, this is, like, an ICBM. Cheating doesn’t _start_ with penis into vagina. It starts with…well, whatever it is that his girlfriend did. This girl’s been cheating on him. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/271 "2010-05-14T20:26:43Z")
> [@Enderw24](#): > > ??? > > She’s point blank stated that she’s leaving him to go move in with other guy. On a scale from uncertainty to smoking gun, this is, like, an ICBM. > > Cheating doesn’t _start_ with penis into vagina. It starts with…well, whatever it is that his girlfriend did. This girl’s been cheating on him. I know, but I can’t get that worked up about it. I have enough empathy to look at both sides of the story. Do you know how’d you deal if someone moved you to an unknown area and you couldn’t find a job, or any friends, etc? I’m not saying she’s not a whore, but compassion, people- it might not get you into heaven, because there is no heaven, but I bet it’ll help you sleep at night. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/272 "2010-05-14T20:26:45Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I don’t know, didn’t the OP indicate that she had no resources at the moment? And not everyone has people to call for money at any moment. I surely would expect her to be gone post-haste if she has any means at all, but I thought the OP had indicated that she didn’t. I’m not advocating coddling her at all, but I don’t think kicking her out to live on the street and starve are good options, either. It’s _really_ not his problem. Get rid of the bitch. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/273 "2010-05-14T20:28:18Z")
**Malkavia** , I was trying to find the words to respond to that aspect of Neo’s post, and I couldn’t come up with them. Then you said exactly what I wanted to get across. > [@malkavia](#): > > What makes her different than me is that **being happy is more important than never hurting again**. She knows it could end, but that doesn’t stop her from enjoying it. **Neo** , all relationships are calculated risks. At some point, you will be healed enough and comfortable enough to try again. And you’ll be in a position then when you will understand that risk, and remain aware of that risk, but that the chance that things might not work out with the new person will still be worth taking because of the potential happiness you’ll get from the relationship. It happened to malkavia’s friend, and it’s happened to me, and to many, many others, I’m sure. You will have the opportunity to absorb what has happened to you now, and to turn that into a net positive for you based on how you bounce back as a person. And that experience and your strength through it will also benefit whomever you end up with down the line. In the meanwhile, as I think EVERYONE in this thread has said, please, learn how to enjoy your time as an individual and make the most of it. That, too, will only benefit you in the end. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/274 "2010-05-14T20:28:30Z")
It’s too bad that so many people are this cold-hearted, but it does reaffirm my desire to never give any one person that much control over my own life. Ever. ---
**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/275 "2010-05-14T20:37:36Z")
> [@](#): > > Actually, i think that the one time when being an asshole is well and truly justified is when someone has been an asshole to you. Retaliation might not necessarily be the most admirable path, as a general rule, but i don’t believe anyone has a moral obligation to act fairly towards someone who has screwed them over. As I see it, the way one treats people they aren’t obliged to be civil towards says a lot about one’s own character. As it stands, she has no money, and no real way to get any until she gets back to Illinois. If I kicked her out, she would literally be homeless and penniless in a place where she knows no one but me. I may be hurting, and I may be angry, but I could never be that cruel. Incidentally, she didn’t announce that she was leaving to me. She finalized her plans to do so on Monday, and on Tuesday night I caught her having another hours-long conversation with this other guy out of earshot. That’s when this all came out. If it hadn’t, who knows when she would have told me. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/276 "2010-05-14T20:40:34Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I know, but I can’t get that worked up about it. I have enough empathy to look at both sides of the story. Do you know how’d you deal if someone moved you to an unknown area and you couldn’t find a job, or any friends, etc? I’m not saying she’s not a whore, but compassion, people- it might not get you into heaven, because there is no heaven, but I bet it’ll help you sleep at night. Again. She went willingly. Slavery has been illegal for at least a couple of years now. And she’s dumping her boyfriend after living on his dime for at least a few weeks with no intention of trying to work things out. And she plans to move across the country and begin fucking a guy she got together with while committed to her boyfriend. That’s like the definition of whore. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/277 "2010-05-14T20:42:58Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > Incidentally, she didn’t announce that she was leaving to me. She finalized her plans to do so on Monday, and on Tuesday night I caught her having another hours-long conversation with this other guy out of earshot. That’s when this all came out. If it hadn’t, who knows when she would have told me. … ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/278 "2010-05-14T20:46:49Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > Again. She went willingly. Slavery has been illegal for at least a couple of years now. > > And she’s dumping her boyfriend after living on his dime for at least a few weeks with no intention of trying to work things out. And she plans to move across the country and begin fucking a guy she got together with while committed to her boyfriend. That’s like the definition of whore. I know that it’s very important to some to label her as such, so I’ll give you that. But I’m just glad to see that the OP agrees that leaving her to starve on the streets is out of the question. Maybe it’s the mom in me, or maybe I’m just human, but I just can’t see doing that to someone, especially someone I loved. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/279 "2010-05-14T20:50:23Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > As I see it, the way one treats people they aren’t obliged to be civil towards says a lot about one’s own character. As it stands, she has no money, and no real way to get any until she gets back to Illinois. If I kicked her out, she would literally be homeless and penniless in a place where she knows no one but me. I may be hurting, and I may be angry, but I could never be that cruel. Good for you. The Amtrak idea is a pretty good one, by the way - maybe you can’t kick her out in a strange city, but you can send her to a familiar one a bit earlier. Keep in mind that if you _do_ let her stay for the full two weeks (I would, but I sense we may be alone in this) you will suffer for it. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/280 "2010-05-14T20:52:25Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I know that it’s very important to some to label her as such, so I’ll give you that. But I’m just glad to see that the OP agrees that leaving her to starve on the streets is out of the question. Maybe it’s the mom in me, or maybe I’m just human, but I just can’t see doing that to someone, especially someone I loved. No argument from me, the OP is obviously a very good human being. But I can’t imagine there are too many people who believe a reaction of GTFO is out of the question in this situation. And she wouldn’t starve on the streets, that’s ridiculous. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=13) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=15)