# Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444 "2010-05-05T20:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 18
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/341 "2010-05-15T16:49:13Z")
There’s a difference between getting revenge and just not letting yourself be used like a dishrag. Not that there’s anything wrong with revenge. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/342 "2010-05-15T16:56:10Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > How hard will you jump on me for being a sexist pig if I suggest that there’s something to it that the three who are against our suggestions are women? Because I think there’s something to it. Not as hard as I’ll jump on you for saying I’m a woman. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/343 "2010-05-15T16:57:12Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Not as hard as I’ll jump on you for saying I’m a woman. Likewise. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/344 "2010-05-15T16:59:03Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Not as hard as I’ll jump on you for saying I’m a woman. If it makes you feel better, I was thinking of **olive** , **goddess** and **Alice**. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/345 "2010-05-15T17:00:19Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > Likewise. I said I was thinking of three posters, it’s your own fault if you think I was calling you a woman. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/346 "2010-05-15T17:02:32Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > What do you mean, _you people_? People who are attacking the OP. There’s no call for it. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/347 "2010-05-15T17:03:01Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I said I was thinking of three posters, it’s your own fault if you think I was calling you a woman. 😛 Dude, I got no problem with you disagreeing with me, but “the three who are against our suggestions are women,” especially when your point was one about sexism, is a different statement than saying there happened to be three people you were focusing on. ---
**Author:** ![Polerius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Polerius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polerius)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/348 "2010-05-15T17:03:41Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I appreciate people looking up tickets, but that won’t really work. She has a lot of stuff out here–way too much to carry with her (and enough that it would be crazy expensive to ship back to IL). A friend of hers has already agreed to fly out here and help her pack, and then they’re going to drive back starting on the 25th. Why don’t you buy her a plane ticket to fly back home today and return just before the 25th with her friend to pack? Is it because you can’t afford the ~$250 or is it because you don’t mind her being there until the 25th? If it was me, I couldn’t stand her being with me for 10 days after she decided to dump me for another guy, and I would think of _anything_ that would mean she is out of my sight (without having to “throw her out on the street to starve”) So, I’m guessing that you, OP, don’t really mind that she’s still there with you. That is you are not doing this because you feel that you don’t want to hurt her, but that you don’t mind, and may even like, the fact that she is still in your house for another 10 days. Can you clarify this? Is this correct? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/349 "2010-05-15T17:07:22Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > Dude, I got no problem with you disagreeing with me, but “the three who are against our suggestions are women,” especially when your point was one about sexism, is a different statement than saying there happened to be three people you were focusing on. They just happened to be among the most recent posters and they stuck in my mind. Consider my observation retracted. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/350 "2010-05-15T17:18:27Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > How hard will you jump on me for being a sexist pig if I suggest that there’s something to it that the three who are against our suggestions are women? Because I think there’s something to it. Feel free to elaborate. I stated pretty explicitly that I don’t think allowing her to stay there is a good idea. I’ve never seen that go over well. If it were my decision to make, the girl would go. She certainly isn’t entitled to his support under any circumstances, but especially not after the way she’s behaved. Unlike the OP, I think it’s perfectly possible to remove someone from your home or your life in a civil manner. It’s possible to treat someone with respect without being a doormat. But the idea of insulting the OP because he doesn’t feel prepared to make that decision is distasteful to me. It sounds like people are yelling at their past selves, but really they’re probably just making the guy feel even more like shit than he already does. The suggestion that he go out and bring home girls to try to make her jealous is just juvenile nonsense. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/351 "2010-05-15T17:26:51Z")
It sounds to me like a lot of people are projecting in this situation. There seems to be an unreasonable amount of anger towards this girl, when in reality none of us know the truth of everything that has gone on here. We are only getting the OP’s side of the story, which of course paints him in an entirely sympathetic light, which of course could very well be the case, but the point is we are only hearing his version. Occasionally I envision dopers with pitchforks screaming “Kill her!” and this is one of those times. I know this forum isn’t all sunshine and puppies, but damn. And I’m not sympathizing with the OP’s gf because I’m a woman- I’m sympathizing with both parties here because I’ve been both the OP and the gf in some ways throughout various times in my life. Very rarely are situations one-sided, where one party has all of the blame and the other has none. And I think we all agree that ideally, the gf would leave like yesterday. But the OP has already established that it’s not possible. So how would those of you still suggesting he make her leave now have him do that? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/352 "2010-05-15T17:26:59Z")
I was harsh with the OP because I’m frustrated. I’ve known guys like him my entire life. I have a friend who’s just like him. My friend’s brother is just like him. He’s a 25 year old virgin who hasn’t had a girlfriend since high school. He likes a chick and takes her out to a movie in what he thought was a date but what she obviously thought was a trip to the movies with a friend. He asks her if she wants to date him or whatever and she says that she’s “not ready for a relationship.” A few days later he learns she’s sleeping over at her ex’s apartment. There are other girls he’s interested in but when we suggest that he pursue those other girls he says that it’d feel wrong because he’s still after the first chick- almost as if he would be cheating on her, despite her having turned him down and boning her ex. I’ve been hurt in relationships, sure. But I’ve never allowed myself to get anally gaped by a woman in the way that the OP is. My frustration with him is actually my frustration with many men in general. And I’m sure some other posters in this thread feel the same way. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/353 "2010-05-15T17:28:34Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > It sounds to me like a lot of people are projecting in this situation. There seems to be an unreasonable amount of anger towards this girl, when in reality none of us know the truth of everything that has gone on here. We are only getting the OP’s side of the story, which of course paints him in an entirely sympathetic light, which of course could very well be the case, but the point is we are only hearing his version. > > Occasionally I envision dopers with pitchforks screaming “Kill her!” and this is one of those times. I know this forum isn’t all sunshine and puppies, but damn. > > And I’m not sympathizing with the OP’s gf because I’m a woman- I’m sympathizing with both parties here because I’ve been both the OP and the gf in some ways throughout various times in my life. Very rarely are situations one-sided, where one party has all of the blame and the other has none. We’re only seeing his side of the story? He’s tried to portray her as an innocent victim led astray by this guy online. He’s painted her plenty sympathetically. I’ve never been cheated on (as far as I know), so I don’t think I’m projecting my own experiences. But for more on that see my last post. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/354 "2010-05-15T17:31:18Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > We’re only seeing his side of the story? He’s tried to portray her as an innocent victim led astray by this guy online. He’s painted her plenty sympathetically. > > I’ve never been cheated on (as far as I know), so I don’t think I’m projecting my own experiences. But for more on that see my last post. Yes, I see- you’re projecting on behalf of all those poor men out there, abused by those bad, evil women. Gotcha. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/355 "2010-05-15T17:33:38Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Yes, I see- you’re projecting on behalf of all those poor men out there, abused by those bad, evil women. Gotcha. I’m projecting on behalf of all those men who feel that they’re inferior to women. If by “projecting on behalf of” you mean “screaming in frustration at.” ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/356 "2010-05-15T17:37:10Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > But the idea of insulting the OP because he doesn’t feel prepared to make that decision is distasteful to me. It sounds like people are yelling at their past selves, but really they’re probably just making the guy feel even more like shit than he already does. Exactly. We can all have various ideas about what the best, smartest, safest thing is to do, but to start attacking the OP over it? Take my advice or I will insult you and harangue you! Personally, I think I’d be sick of her face and want her gone. But I’m not the OP. He’s got his own ideas and his own life to live, and he’s the one who has to live with himself afterward, not the rest of us who may congratulate ourselves and give high fives for who can be the most cutting or devise the most twisted revenge. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/357 "2010-05-15T18:09:14Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > It sounds to me like a lot of people are projecting in this situation. There seems to be an unreasonable amount of anger towards this girl, when in reality none of us know the truth of everything that has gone on here. We are only getting the OP’s side of the story, which of course paints him in an entirely sympathetic light, which of course could very well be the case, but the point is we are only hearing his version. If even half of Neo’s OP is lies, _ **at best** _, she’s still a lying tramp. And **AClockworkMelon** is right. The woman has been portrayed as a fairly innocent victim in all of this. If the OP wanted to paint her in a poor light, he didn’t do a very good job. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/358 "2010-05-15T18:10:52Z")
I used to think it was only places like the Middle East where a woman could be brutally attacked and even killed because of her sexual immorality, real or even just perceived. Then I grew up and realized that this is not so. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/359 "2010-05-15T18:11:00Z")
I agree that thoughts of “revenge” are just stupid. Getting revenge won’t help anyone. Getting her out of the house isn’t revenge, it’s getting her out of the house so you don’t have to look at her. I don’t advocate dumping her on the street, I advocate sending her back home to her mommy and daddy, or new boyfriend, whatever, and let them take care of her. I’m advocating a solution that will cause the least amount of pain to everyone concerned, _including_ the girlfriend. But of course, the OP doesn’t mind the whole “she can’t leave for two weeks” business. He wants her to stay because he hasn’t come to terms with her leaving yet. And it’s probably going to be longer than two weeks, and who knows if this friend is even coming, and she’s got too much stuff, so it’s impossible for her to leave. Since he doesn’t want her to leave, he’s not looking for a solution. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/360 "2010-05-15T18:13:26Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I used to think it was only places like the Middle East where a woman could be brutally attacked and even killed because of her sexual immorality, real or even just perceived. Then I grew up and realized that this is not so. I haven’t advocated brutally attacking or killing anyone nor would I. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=17) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=19)