# Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444 "2010-05-05T20:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 19
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/361 "2010-05-15T18:15:01Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I haven’t advocated brutally attacking or killing anyone nor would I. I’m not saying you did, but that seems to be the general consensus here. In many cities, including mine, putting a young girl out on the street with nowhere to go almost guarantees she will be victimized in some way. ---
**Author:** ![BigBertha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d78d45/32.png) [@BigBertha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigBertha)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/362 "2010-05-15T18:17:01Z")
Then females should become financially independent before they leave their parents care. I did, it took me a bit longer than most, but I never put myself in the position of having nowhere to go if I broke up with someone. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/363 "2010-05-15T18:18:10Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > I agree that thoughts of “revenge” are just stupid. Getting revenge won’t help anyone. Getting her out of the house isn’t revenge, it’s getting her out of the house so you don’t have to look at her. > > I don’t advocate dumping her on the street, I advocate sending her back home to her mommy and daddy, or new boyfriend, whatever, and let them take care of her. I’m advocating a solution that will cause the least amount of pain to everyone concerned, _including_ the girlfriend. > > But of course, the OP doesn’t mind the whole “she can’t leave for two weeks” business. He wants her to stay because he hasn’t come to terms with her leaving yet. And it’s probably going to be longer than two weeks, and who knows if this friend is even coming, and she’s got too much stuff, so it’s impossible for her to leave. Since he doesn’t want her to leave, he’s not looking for a solution. Exactly. You get a lot further in the world dealing what actually is, not what you want it to be. I’d love it if the OP would kick her ass to the curb, but he’s not there yet for whatever reasons. ---
**Author:** ![Polerius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Polerius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polerius)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/364 "2010-05-15T18:18:54Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I’m not saying you did, but that seems to be the general consensus here. In many cities, including mine, putting a young girl out on the street with nowhere to go almost guarantees she will be victimized in some way. How is “putting her up in a motel” or “buying her a plane ticket home” the same as “putting a young girl out on the street with nowhere to go”? Because the consensus has been for the former two not for the strawman you just described. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/365 "2010-05-15T18:19:00Z")
> [@BigBertha](#): > > Then females should become financially independent before they leave their parents care. I did, it took me a bit longer than most, but I never put myself in the position of having nowhere to go if I broke up with someone. That’s true and excellent advice. I don’t think anyone in this thread could begin to argue that the OP’s ex isn’t a foolish woman. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/366 "2010-05-15T18:20:43Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I’m not saying you did, but that seems to be the general consensus here. In many cities, including mine, putting a young girl out on the street with nowhere to go almost guarantees she will be victimized in some way. Is “tucson” the new spelling for Baghdad? ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/367 "2010-05-15T18:20:57Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I was harsh with the OP because I’m frustrated. I’ve known guys like him my entire life. I have a friend who’s just like him. My mother is a serial dater, and she picks some losers, let me tell you. She’s constantly caught in endless drama about the loser men she dates, and she stays with them, because nothing is more horrifying to her than being alone. She’s been married and divorced four times and is no closer to finding relational bliss then she was when I was born. She calls me up and asks me for relationship advice and I tell her exactly what I think, and she agrees I’m right, and then the next day she calls and she’s engaged or something. Meanwhile I’ve been in a happy, monogamous relationship for the past 8 years. Why? Because I have no tolerance for assholes. I’m not capable of being in love with people who aren’t loving. I’m not interested in liars, cheats, alcoholics, drug addicts or wife-beaters. I don’t see a future there. That said – an illustrated example of my point – when I was 17 (a legally emancipated adult) I was dating this guy who was very stupid and very sweet and very hot. I was on vacation at an amusement park with him and a number of my friends, and he started acting like a Grade A Asshole. He was very possessive and it got down to a fight in our hotel room in which he lost his shit and started screaming. When I tried to leave, he threw me down on the bed and held me by my throat and wouldn’t allow me to leave. My feelings of affection toward him vanished _instantly_. I knew at exactly that moment the relationship was over. However, he was a minor, in another state, on a vacation with about 10 of my friends who I knew would probably give him hell if I told them what had happened. So, because I really wasn’t interested in torturing him any more than necessary, I spent the following day brushing him off and politely avoiding him rather than making a big screaming deal of it. The second we pulled in the driveway, I told him we were through. He cried and cried and cried and begged and pleaded and I just handed him his stuff, drove him home, and got on with my life. My friends, when I finally told them what had happened, said I I was showing entirely too much kindness to him, that I should have dumped him then and there and we should have left his ass at the amusement park. One of them commented that she would have enjoyed beating the shit out of him. But the reality is I am the sort of person who doesn’t see the need for making a bad situation worse. I wasn’t going to gain anything by stranding him or putting him in a situation where, in the very least, he would be bitched out by 10 of my friends. Whether he ‘‘deserved’’ that courtesy or not is beside the point. The point is that it is not in my nature to do that sort of thing. So while I get where you’re coming from here, and am just as frustrated and boggled by people who allow themselves to be doormats, I also get where the OP is coming from, because I don’t hold grudges and I think bitterness is a worthless emotion. Not only that, but, there really isn’t any evidence that this is a mistake the OP will likely repeat. As I have no doubt proven, we all make errors in judgment when it comes to who we let into our lives. That in itself is not an indication that one will spend the rest of one’s life miserable and repeating the same mistakes over and over. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/368 "2010-05-15T18:23:36Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I’m not saying you did, but that seems to be the general consensus here. In many cities, including mine, putting a young girl out on the street with nowhere to go almost guarantees she will be victimized in some way. I agreed with the idea of spending money to either put her on a train/bus or in a motel. But I wouldn’t be upset if she was suddenly made homeless. I couldn’t imagine being forced to house, feed and entertain a woman who I’d caught planning to ditch me for another guy while she waits to go be with him. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/369 "2010-05-15T18:24:45Z")
The number of people who hurt people for the sake of hurting people is vanishingly small. We all do what feels good and what we feel we need to, sometimes with intention and sometimes impulsively or without much thought at all. I’ve been in situations where I was pretty sure I was going to break up with a girl, but just hadn’t found quite the right time/circumstances in which to feel comfortable doing it. I’m sure many people have been in the same situation (in fact, I’d be willing to bet good money that for those people who have broken up with other people, 9 times out of 10 they didn’t suddenly decide things weren’t working and then hop on the phone immediately to tell the other person things are over). And, I’ve continued to put on a happy, content face in those relationships until I was really _really_ sure that breaking up was what I wanted to do. I’ve continued to have sex with those girls. Does that make me a liar, or deceptive, or an asshole? Maybe, but I don’t think it’s rare, and almost all of us are self-interested in that same way. Because, frankly, it still felt good to have sex, it still felt good to have someone to have dinner with, and go out with, and do crossword puzzles with on Saturday afternoons, and garden with, and all that other stuff. It’s not about being cruel or lying to the other person, it’s about not being able to let go of the things that you want/need from the relationship, even when you know the relationship is over. I know that in the case of the OP, we have a slightly different situation, where the OP’s girlfriend was cultivating a new relationship while still with the OP, which crosses a number of lines from normal, respectful behavior, to some degree of cheating. However, knowing how complicated we all are, and knowing that she remained physically faithful and honest, I can’t get behind all of the gleeful hate and derision. There but for the grace of Og . . . I know I’ve hurt people in the past, and I’m glad that those people didn’t decide I was no longer deserving of compassion. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/370 "2010-05-15T18:24:45Z")
> [@BigBertha](#): > > Then females should become financially independent before they leave their parents care. I did, it took me a bit longer than most, but I never put myself in the position of having nowhere to go if I broke up with someone. Exactly what I would teach any daughters of mine. Also, a plan for what would happen if things didn’t work out between them would have been nice, too. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/371 "2010-05-15T18:26:58Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > there really isn’t any evidence that this is a mistake the OP will likely repeat What mistake in particular has the OP made that you don’t think he’ll repeat? ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/372 "2010-05-15T18:41:40Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > What mistake in particular has the OP made that you don’t think he’ll repeat? All I’m saying is I _see no evidence_ that he is going to get caught up in an endless cycle of relationships with lying manipulative women. I don’t know shit about the OP’s circumstances except what he’s put on this board. I can guess that once she’s out of his face he’ll think a bit more critically about her and realize she wasn’t some helpless victim, but I don’t actually know. I just don’t see evidence either way and therefore am not comfortable jumping to any conclusions. ---
**Author:** ![Gorsnak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gorsnak/32/7587_2.png) [@Gorsnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorsnak)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/373 "2010-05-15T18:50:54Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > How is “putting her up in a motel” or “buying her a plane ticket home” the same as “putting a young girl out on the street with nowhere to go”? > > Because the consensus has been for the former two not for the strawman you just described. Both of the former two have been ruled out on grounds of expense and practicality. Unless you want to donate the motel money or something, the choice is between put her out on the street and let her sleep on the couch. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/374 "2010-05-15T18:52:40Z")
> [@Gorsnak](#): > > Both of the former two have been ruled out on grounds of expense and practicality. Unless you want to donate the motel money or something, the choice is between put her out on the street and let her sleep on the couch. Yes, thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/375 "2010-05-15T18:59:21Z")
We are commenting on the facts as we have been told them. If the facts are as described, then this chick is a cheating user who needs to have her shit thrown out the window, and she can fend for her fucking self. She’s entitled to nothing and the OP is cetianly not obliged to continue offering himself up for exploitation. The bitch put _herself_ on the street by making this decision. Let her learn a little something about natural consequences. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/376 "2010-05-15T19:02:48Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > We are commenting on the facts as we have been told them. If the facts are as described, then this chick is a cheating user who needs to have her shit thrown out the window, and she can fend for her fucking self. She’s entitled to nothing and the OP is cetianly not obliged to continue offering himself up for exploitation. > > The bitch put _herself_ on the street by making this decision. Let her learn a little something about natural consequences. You’d think that a father of three daughters would be able to summon up a grain of compassion and human kindness towards someone else’s daughter, but hmm guess not. Hope your daughters are perfect. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/377 "2010-05-15T19:06:33Z")
Everybody is somebody’s kid. So fucking what? How about expecting some fucking accountability and personal responsibility? How about that? “Compassion” has nothing to do with it. She made her own life decisions. Why should she be shielded from the consequences by the the very person she intentionally used and harmed? ---
**Author:** ![Polerius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Polerius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polerius)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/378 "2010-05-15T19:12:46Z")
> [@Gorsnak](#): > > Both of the former two have been ruled out on grounds of expense and practicality. Unless you want to donate the motel money or something, the choice is between put her out on the street and let her sleep on the couch. The only thing that was ruled out on grounds of expense was the motel. [QUOTE=Neo-Calredic] Bluntly put, I can’t afford to put her up in a motel for two weeks [/QUOTE] Yes, that would cost a lot of money. Even at $50/night (I don’t know what motels cost these days), that would be $700, which is a lot. But people have found airline tickets for around $200. It’s possible he can’t even afford $200, but he has not stated that. Regarding the airline ticket, he stated [QUOTE=Neo-Calredic] I appreciate people looking up tickets, but that won’t really work. She has a lot of stuff out here–way too much to carry with her (and enough that it would be crazy expensive to ship back to IL). A friend of hers has already agreed to fly out here and help her pack, and then they’re going to drive back starting on the 25th. [/QUOTE] That doesn’t explain why he can’t do what I suggested, that is, buy her a ticket home, and have her come back around the 25th with the friend to pack and drive back home. There is no practical reason not to do so. The only one would be expense. But he has not yet stated that he can’t afford $200. Until he confirms that $200 is too much for him to afford, it seems that he just doesn’t mind her being around for another two weeks. It’s not because he doesn’t want to be a bad guy and “put her out on the street”, it’s likely because it doesn’t bother him that she’s still in his apartment for another two weeks. ---
**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/379 "2010-05-15T20:24:59Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > Indeed. It’s not at all surprising that she’s leaving him. > > Here’s an idea - since you’re so intent on coddling your soon to be ex-girlfriend, why don’t you buy her a care package filled with condoms and sex toys for her new life adventure? I’m sure she could use them, since she’s broke and all, and you just love her _soooo_ much you want her to be happy right? > > Christ man. I agree wholeheartedly with **AClockworkMelon** - grow some god damn balls. Right. Because there’s basically no difference between not kicking someone you loved more than anything a week ago out to the curb with no money and nowhere to go, and buying her condoms to use with her new boyfriend. I hate to sound all sanctimonious, but what does the word “love” mean to some of you? Yes, she betrayed me. Yes, part of me wishes I could just kick her out of my life and move on this second. Yes, I’m extremely angry with her. But for the last two years, we were inseparable–I genuinely loved her more than anything else. Maybe some of you haven’t experienced that, or maybe it’s just different for some of us, but that isn’t something I can just change overnight. If the fact that I still care about her enough to at least want her to be physically safe until she can leave makes me a doormat, then I guess I’m a doormat. What if I kicked her out and she ended up getting raped and killed because she had nowhere to sleep but in her car? What if she just disappeared? “Not my problem?” Yeah, that would make me feel a **lot** better. The fact of the matter is, it’s a shitty situation all-around. Lashing out at her isn’t going to accomplish anything–it’s not going to make me feel any better now or in the long run. I know it would make some people feel better, but I’m just not one of them. I stick by the people I love, even if they do stupid things and even if they hurt me. Obviously that doesn’t mean I _support_ what she’s decided to do, but that is out of my hands now. The only thing I can control is my own reactions to the situation, and I want to be able to look back and say I handled it more honorably than she did. EDIT: No, she is not talking to him in any way in front of me now. I made it very clear that I will not tolerate that as long as she remains in my place, and she agreed. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/380 "2010-05-15T20:25:31Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Everybody is somebody’s kid. So fucking what? I want to take this statement and ask **Alice** something that I don’t think she addressed when asked earlier in the thread. Alice, you said that this girl is someone’s daughter and that people should have compassion. What would you advocate as **Neo** ’s mom? What would be your advice to him? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=18) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=20)