# Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444 "2010-05-05T20:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Rasa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rasa/32/3578_2.png) [@Rasa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rasa)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/21 "2010-05-05T21:30:26Z")
I have been The Girlfriend in this situation, and I’ve seen this situation play out with friends a million times. Anything you say out of concern for your relationship will be used against you, and met with “You’re just trying to control me!” and “He’s just a friend, you can’t handle me being friends with other men but you have girl friends!” and will end up as “evidence” that you “just don’t trust her” so she’ll be “forced” to leave you. I’m not proud of being That Girl, but there you have it. Sorry man. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/22 "2010-05-05T21:32:00Z")
I was that new friend once. And now I’m her husband. Things worked out great for her and I, but our exes weren’t quite as pleased with how things turned out. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/23 "2010-05-05T21:35:28Z")
I’ve been The Other Guy on the phone a few times in my life, and absolutely you have a good reason to go to Defcon 3 at least. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/24 "2010-05-05T21:38:25Z")
Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. That two year relationship that I mention in every thread concerning relationships? I met her online and when she moved out to live with me she left her boyfriend to do it. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/25 "2010-05-05T21:43:22Z")
> [@Rasa](#): > > I have been The Girlfriend in this situation, and I’ve seen this situation play out with friends a million times. Anything you say out of concern for your relationship will be used against you, and met with “You’re just trying to control me!” and “He’s just a friend, you can’t handle me being friends with other men but you have girl friends!” and will end up as “evidence” that you “just don’t trust her” so she’ll be “forced” to leave you. > > I’m not proud of being That Girl, but there you have it. Sorry man. I have never been That Girl, but I have many friends who have. This is 100% right about her reaction. You aren’t going to be able to win here, friend. ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/26 "2010-05-05T21:45:09Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I am the jealous type. I would freak out about this. I an _not_ the jealous type. But I would be very concerned. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/27 "2010-05-05T21:49:01Z")
> [@Oni no Maggie](#): > > Yes, and? They meet online, become friends, he is struggling with something (parents, money, bad breakup, coming out…) she turns a sympathetic ear, they talk more by IM, and then by phone. > > I’m not saying there’s _not_ something going on. Just saying that it’s not wise to jump immediately to ‘ZOMG SHE’S CHEATING!!!11!!!ONE!!!’ when there are other possible explanations. Well, at least the OP can be relieved that his girlfriend isn’t a [bisexual cheater](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=12401075&postcount=3). 😉 ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/28 "2010-05-05T21:51:39Z")
> [@JohnT](#): > > Well, at least the OP can be relieved that his girlfriend isn’t a [bisexual cheater](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=12401075&postcount=3). 😉 Or a pedophile. Don’t forget pedophile. ---
**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/29 "2010-05-05T22:01:40Z")
For the record, I really love my girlfriend. Things are pretty serious between us, and she’s never lied to me before. I don’t believe she would intentionally do anything that could break us up… but I have no reason to believe the same is true for this guy she’s talking to. She’s been trying pretty diligently to find a job since we moved to California, but hasn’t had any luck so far. Between the frustration from that, the loneliness of having no one to talk to while I’m at work, and just general homesickness, she’s been down in the dumps for a few weeks. I think that’s put her in a more emotionally vulnerable position than maybe she realizes. I don’t know what they were talking about for three and half hours that apparently had to be discussed where I couldn’t hear it, but I intend to find out tonight when I get home. Maybe it was some kind of crisis she was helping him through–it’s possible. Even if that IS the case, though, I still feel uneasy about the situation as it stands. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/30 "2010-05-05T22:05:21Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > For the record, I really love my girlfriend. Things are pretty serious between us, and she’s never lied to me before. I don’t believe she would intentionally do anything that could break us up… but I have no reason to believe the same is true for this guy she’s talking to. > > She’s been trying pretty diligently to find a job since we moved to California, but hasn’t had any luck so far. Between the frustration from that, the loneliness of having no one to talk to while I’m at work, and just general homesickness, she’s been down in the dumps for a few weeks. I think that’s put her in a more emotionally vulnerable position than maybe she realizes. > > I don’t know what they were talking about for three and half hours that apparently had to be discussed where I couldn’t hear it, but I intend to find out tonight when I get home. Maybe it was some kind of crisis she was helping him through–it’s possible. Even if that IS the case, though, I still feel uneasy about the situation as it stands. I’m sure that most people who cheat with someone that’s “just a friend” genuinely believed that the person really was just that, a friend, at one point. Talk to her, but seriously, be prepared for what **Rasa** and **Diosa** warned you about. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/31 "2010-05-05T22:36:51Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Or a pedophile. Don’t forget pedophile. Actually, there’s nothing in the OP that proves that she _isn’t_! :eek: 😉 ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/32 "2010-05-05T22:37:14Z")
Another vote for cause for concern. You two need to talk about this and it sounds like that’s what you intend to do. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/33 "2010-05-05T23:19:48Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > It’s time to start planning your exit strategy. Been there done that saw it coming for weeks, still got royally screwed worse than I thought. If this is just a friend thing, you might wanna try asking her about the friend and how he is doing? ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/34 "2010-05-05T23:29:10Z")
I moved to NYC with a roommate from TX. We were both new to the city and neither of us had jobs or friends here. I immediately found a social group online where you meet people to hang out with and I joined a book club. I made a point of getting out and meeting people. I also pounded the pavement for about 12 hours per day to find a job. She didn’t make any effort to find any friends outside of our apartment building and I had to bribe her with tickets to a broadway show to push her to find a job. She moved out a year later because (surprise!) she never really wanted to move to New York, she just wanted to move out of her mom’s house and I gave her a way out. If she hasn’t said anything to you about joining a meetup group or applying at Disney or whatever I would bet a not insignificant amount of money she is planning to move away at the first opportunity. ---
**Author:** ![Shark\_Sandwich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Shark\_Sandwich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shark_Sandwich)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/35 "2010-05-05T23:42:13Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I don’t know what they were talking about for three and half hours that apparently had to be discussed where I couldn’t hear it, but I intend to find out tonight when I get home. I’d like to know how it goes. ---
**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/36 "2010-05-05T23:58:11Z")
We’ll talk when I get home tonight. I’ll let you all know how it goes. Thanks for the advice, by the way. You’ve given me a lot to think about. ---
**Author:** ![ZenBeam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3ab097/32.png) [@ZenBeam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZenBeam)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2010, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/37 "2010-05-05T23:59:13Z")
Are your finances separate? If not, one more thing to consider. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/38 "2010-05-06T00:01:23Z")
I wish you the very best, man. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/39 "2010-05-06T00:18:53Z")
> [@HelloNinja](#): > > I was that new friend once. And now I’m her husband. Things worked out great for her and I, but our exes weren’t quite as pleased with how things turned out. But the real question is, when did you get a sex change? :eek: Up until this thread I thought you were a woman. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/40 "2010-05-06T00:24:46Z")
> [@HelloNinja](#): > > I was that new friend once. And now I’m her husband. Things worked out great for her and I, but our exes weren’t quite as pleased with how things turned out. I was the girl once, and I married the guy. My one-sentence answer earlier in the thread was based on this. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=3)