# Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444 "2010-05-05T20:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 21
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/401 "2010-05-15T21:37:59Z")
[Just a suggestion](http://www.revengecrabs.com/). ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/402 "2010-05-15T21:39:02Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > I don’t want to be an asshole, but in the future you may find it easier to avoid this kind of situation when you, being over 30, don’t date people who are practically teenagers. You were 20 and 31 respectively when you met? 20 year olds are _children._ Which means it’s not very surprising that they behave with shocking childishness, as was in fact the case. Very good point. ---
**Author:** ![FrancisCastle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b4bc9f/32.png) [@FrancisCastle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FrancisCastle)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/403 "2010-05-15T21:46:21Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > [Just a suggestion](http://www.revengecrabs.com/). LOL I was going to post this, but I couldn’t decide if it was funny or too mean…😃 ---
**Author:** ![Creole\_Tomato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a4c791/32.png) [@Creole\_Tomato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creole_Tomato)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/404 "2010-05-15T21:52:00Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I hate to sound all sanctimonious, but what does the word “love” mean to some of you? Yes, she betrayed me. Yes, part of me wishes I could just kick her out of my life and move on this second. Yes, I’m extremely angry with her. > > The fact of the matter is, it’s a shitty situation all-around. Lashing out at her isn’t going to accomplish anything–it’s not going to make me feel any better now or in the long run. I know it would make some people feel better, but I’m just not one of them. I stick by the people I love, even if they do stupid things and even if they hurt me. > > Obviously that doesn’t mean I _support_ what she’s decided to do, but that is out of my hands now. The only thing I can control is my own reactions to the situation, and I want to be able to look back and say I handled it more honorably than she did. I want to be you when I grow up. 😉 Would I lash out and kick her out on her pointy ass? \*\*Yes. \*\* But as you point out, it wouldn’t make me feel like a better person for doing that, nor would it make the heartbreak go away. I think what you’re doing is the harder thing (and IME usually the harder thing = the best thing in the long run.) To disagree with your actions is understandable, but we have no right to judge you as a person. That’s just out of line. You’re under far more emotional stress than we are, and you’re still able to be objective and calm (both in your dealings with your ex, and your responses to us.) I admire the hell out of you for that. Since she’s going to be there for another two weeks, it will give you a good long time to notice and dwell on all the little shit she does that drives you nuts. Every relationship has 'em, but we tend to let the irritations slide, because we’re more focused on the big picture of happiness. Now you’ll notice how she leaves the bread out, or gets hair on the bathroom counter or snores. Focus on this; when she’s gone, you’ll at least be relieved you don’t have to put up with those habits anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Creole\_Tomato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a4c791/32.png) [@Creole\_Tomato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creole_Tomato)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/405 "2010-05-15T21:57:15Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > You were 20 and 31 respectively when you met? 20 year olds are _children._ Which means it’s not very surprising that they behave with shocking childishness, as was in fact the case. > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Very good point. I agree with this, too. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/406 "2010-05-15T21:58:02Z")
> [@FrancisCastle](#): > > LOL I was going to post this, but I couldn’t decide if it was funny or too mean…😃 What I like the most is that not only do they sell crabs, but they routinely poison their own stock so as to breed super crabs that are resistant to delousing. ---
**Author:** ![Creole\_Tomato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a4c791/32.png) [@Creole\_Tomato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creole_Tomato)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/407 "2010-05-15T22:02:26Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > What I like the most is that not only do they sell crabs, but they routinely poison their own stock so as to breed super crabs that are resistant to delousing. One of my dorm suitemates in college battled a superior race of crabs. Thankfully she “came clean” about it, and warned us to use other bathrooms on our floor, advice which we were only to happy to follow. If ONLY I’d had the foresight to write a business proposal and brush up on Mendelian genetics… 😛 ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/408 "2010-05-15T23:02:29Z")
I think you are handling all of this very well, **Neo** , and I hope you get through the rest of the time as painlessly as possible. Some of the people in this thread are so bitter and cynical that they come off sounding hysterical. Please continue to ignore them. You are a better person than they are. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/409 "2010-05-16T00:00:06Z")
Hey Neo, I think you’re doing an admirable thing, especially in the face of such heartache. It’s got to be torture for you but I think you’re being very decent and making the best of an awful situation. It sound like she is/was lucky to have you. I’m sure she’ll come to understand that eventually and feel regret. Good luck to you. ---
**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/410 "2010-05-16T04:32:25Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > I don’t want to be an asshole, but in the future you may find it easier to avoid this kind of situation when you, being over 30, don’t date people who are practically teenagers. You were 20 and 31 respectively when you met? 20 year olds are _children._ Which means it’s not very surprising that they behave with shocking childishness, as was in fact the case. > > ETA - children emotionally, not children in terms of responsibility. 22 is plenty old enough to be expected to make one’s own way if need be. Lesson learned, believe you me… ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/411 "2010-05-16T04:50:12Z")
> [@Sue\_Duhnym](#): > > Hey Neo, I think you’re doing an admirable thing, especially in the face of such heartache. It’s got to be torture for you but I think you’re being very decent and making the best of an awful situation. It sound like she is/was lucky to have you. I’m sure she’ll come to understand that eventually and feel regret. > > Good luck to you. I have a feeling that’s how it will go, too. I’m sorry as hell for **Neo** that she isn’t realizing it now, but she’s made her choice. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/412 "2010-05-16T05:44:07Z")
For what it’s worth, **Neo** , I do _not_ get the spineless/doormat vibe from you that some people are accusing you of. ---
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/413 "2010-05-16T10:44:50Z")
I _still_ suggest having words with the guy. He’s part of this whole shitstorm, too! Hell, he’s probably the guiltiest party of them all. The girl is a dumbass who brought any misfortune arising from this situation on herself, but at least I can kinda sorta understand where she’s coming from (confused, emotional, blah blah blah). The guy, OTOH, is a fucking scumbag. He knew she had a boyfriend, he knew she was in a vulnerable state, and I guaran-damn-tee you he had this shit planned all along. Call him up and describe to him how childish and moronic your ex-GF is and ask him if he’s ready for it. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 11:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/414 "2010-05-16T11:09:51Z")
You think **Neo** ’s ex told New Guy the exact same story **Neo** told us? I don’t think **Neo** should “have words” with him. He can only lose. He already has lost the relationship. Why should New Guy care what he has to say? Especially if he’s been sold a bill of goods about how mean and uncaring **Neo** supposedly is. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/415 "2010-05-16T12:30:50Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > You really think most 22 year old “women” could figure out what to do if thrown out on the street penniless? This isn’t a street girl with nothing but the clothes on her back. She’s selling stuff to make the ride easier, she has parents (I assume), she has a friend who’s going to drive out to help her and a probable-BF-in-waiting who she’s heading back home to get busy with. (He’s already stated that he’d rather have her there so she can keep offloading all of her shit, so I’m not going to push him to get her out NOW if he thinks this is preferable.) So the “OMG you’re kicking out a naive girl with nothing and no support, to be homeless on the street and victimized!” argument is silly. She can call her new BF, her friend, her family, and ask for some help, like money for an extended-stay hotel, or for a u-haul trailer and her friend to drive out early. It may suck for them and be an imposition, but talking up some dude and emotionally cheating on the OP, then when caught she has to stick around for a couple weeks yet and be a painful reminder of what she did, is a pretty big imposition on him. ---
**Author:** ![gladtobeblazed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/85f322/32.png) [@gladtobeblazed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gladtobeblazed)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/416 "2010-05-16T13:05:39Z")
I must commend the OP. If I were in his position I would have packed up her shit, dropped it off in the worst area in town filled with the most heinous degenerates around, and hoped she got violently raped and murdered when she went to pick her shit up. Then I would be all over 4chan and ask that they give the guy a thorough cyber-fucking. I guess I’m not a very nice person… But seriously, I would have kicked her ass out, lease or nor lease. Legalities be damned. I’d probably try to get a restraining order against her, for her good and for mine. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/417 "2010-05-16T15:05:57Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > I _still_ suggest having words with the guy. He’s part of this whole shitstorm, too! I couldn’t disagree more. The only person who owes him anything is the person who has voluntarily made a commitment to him. She broke her word and it is to her that his disappointment should be directed. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/418 "2010-05-16T16:10:08Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > This isn’t a street girl with nothing but the clothes on her back. She’s selling stuff to make the ride easier, she has parents (I assume), she has a friend who’s going to drive out to help her and a probable-BF-in-waiting who she’s heading back home to get busy with. (He’s already stated that he’d rather have her there so she can keep offloading all of her shit, so I’m not going to push him to get her out NOW if he thinks this is preferable.) So the “OMG you’re kicking out a naive girl with nothing and no support, to be homeless on the street and victimized!” argument is silly. She can call her new BF, her friend, her family, and ask for some help, like money for an extended-stay hotel, or for a u-haul trailer and her friend to drive out early. It may suck for them and be an imposition, but talking up some dude and emotionally cheating on the OP, then when caught she has to stick around for a couple weeks yet and be a painful reminder of what she did, is a pretty big imposition on him. This. I’m 24, so I still have many 21-22 year old friends and I assure you that while it wouldn’t be easy, I can’t think of a single one of them who wouldn’t be able to at least make a way for themselves if found in a position like the one described. Hell, at 22 I could have, too. 22 does not instantly mean child who can’t care for themselves. Sure, emotionally a lot of 22 year olds ain’t exactly all balanced out yet, but by 22, I had been living on my own for three years, paying all my own bills, and had a job while going to school. It’s unfortunate that the OP’s girlfriend isn’t self reliant at all, but I imagine her family and friends know she’s like that and would help her. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/419 "2010-05-16T17:29:48Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > I don’t want to be an asshole, but in the future you may find it easier to avoid this kind of situation when you, being over 30, don’t date people who are practically teenagers. You were 20 and 31 respectively when you met? 20 year olds are _children._ Which means it’s not very surprising that they behave with shocking childishness, as was in fact the case. I was going to say this. I roll in sleazy circles, and I’m always amazed at how often my guy friends will whine, bitch, and moan that their ten-years-younger girlfriends are acting like…young people. How long did you really think she was going to be willing to hang around playing wifey while her peers are hitting the town, hooking up with hot guys, starting careers, travelling and having the kinds of adventures that young people have? In our culture, we’d consider her to have a lot of living left to do before she settles down. Look back to when you were 22- if some 33 year old lady fell in love with you and you guys started shacking up, would there be any chance that you’d tell your 22 year old self “Yeah, that’s a good plan?” Would there be any chance that your 22 year old self would be anywhere near ready to commit to having sex with just one person for the rest of his life? So for God’s sake don’t take this break-up too hard! It probably has absolutely nothing to do with you or anything inherent in you, and everything to do with the fact that things were getting pretty serious and 22 year olds generally are not at that place in their life. It sounds to me like she moved out there, discovered herself totally dependent on you, realized she was in something a lot more serious that she is ready for and decided to make a run for it. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/420 "2010-05-16T17:37:16Z")
Telling a person who’s hurting over a breakup to stop hurting is pointless. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=20) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=22)