# Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444 "2010-05-05T20:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 22
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/421 "2010-05-16T17:55:03Z")
Of course. But you can frame it as “I can’t believe this guy woo’d her in just a couple of weeks, there must be something wrong with me, I must be worthless, etc.” or you can frame it as “Wow, yeah, the timing on that wasn’t right.” I spent six months after my last break up wondering how within a month of dumping me, he’s moved in with a slightly dim emotionally immature virgin college sophomore who can’t actually speak English but does a great job washing his laundry every night and giggles at everything he says. I spent months beating myself up, looking for the part of me that is defective- wondering if I needed to lose weight, act more insecure to stoke guy’s ego, be less slutty, be sluttier, scale back my career expectations, etc. Spent months wondering what she had that I didn’t. Then I finally admitted to myself guys mostly come to China to date Chinese girls, and eventually he was going to want to do that. No flaw on my part, just not what he was looking for at the time. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/422 "2010-05-16T18:03:47Z")
Can I ask how old New Guy is? Just curious. (My gut can’t decide if she’s still looking for a daddy figure or if she realized it’s better to date your own age.) ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/423 "2010-05-16T18:09:40Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Can I ask how old New Guy is? Just curious. (My gut can’t decide if she’s still looking for a daddy figure or if she realized it’s better to date your own age.) I think neither. You have to keep in mind that the guy she’s talking with lives closer to home. Reconnecting with all her old friends, etc is probably tempting. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/424 "2010-05-16T18:16:22Z")
Ahh, good old Sir Any Port in a Storm. ---
**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/425 "2010-05-16T20:35:41Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Can I ask how old New Guy is? Just curious. (My gut can’t decide if she’s still looking for a daddy figure or if she realized it’s better to date your own age.) He’s her age, which I’m sure has s lot to do with it. And the fact that he’s back home no doubt is a major factor as well. ---
**Author:** ![BigBertha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d78d45/32.png) [@BigBertha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigBertha)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/426 "2010-05-16T20:39:21Z")
Neo, we will all be here the 25th to give you major hugs. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/427 "2010-05-16T20:44:22Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > He’s her age, which I’m sure has s lot to do with it. And the fact that he’s back home no doubt is a major factor as well. Agreed. In fact, those two things probably are the two most important factors (by which I mean don’t beat yourself up, **Neo** - it wasn’t some kind of fundamental flaw in you that drove her away; just a basic incompatibility). ---
**Author:** ![SoulFrost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f07891/32.png) [@SoulFrost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SoulFrost)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/428 "2010-05-17T00:16:11Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I have no doubt this other guy preyed on that notion and “encouraged” her. > [@](#): > > she started talking to this other guy online, and in less than a month she decided to leave me. You realize that she probably _does_ know this guy, after all. Odds are, you do too. ---
**Author:** ![MN\_Maenad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e95f7d/32.png) [@MN\_Maenad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MN_Maenad)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/429 "2010-05-17T00:31:43Z")
While I lean towards the “kick the cheater out, throwing some money at her if necessary” camp, I think you’re likely doing what’s best for your own sense of self-respect, **Neo**. It sounds as if she just wasn’t ready for this commitment, and dealt with the realization in a stupid, immature way. I second these words from **niblet\_head** : > [@](#): > > You are not a rube. Your behavior towards this woman reflects your values: honesty, trust, intimacy, collaboration, not giving up in the face of hardship. These are all good things. When in doubt, you are not afraid to sit down and tell your SO what your fears are and what you need from her. You asked for respect and honesty. That she didn’t give it to you is on her. I respect the hell out of how you handled this. You need to find a woman who’s enough of a grown-up to take responsibility for her own feelings and needs. When you are able and have a little temporal and emotional distance, I hope you can learn and grow from this, to help you find the right woman for you for the rest of your life. Until then, feel free to be hurt, angry, self-pitying, etc. Let the grief run its course, and ask the Dope for help when you need it. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/430 "2010-05-17T02:09:49Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Ahh, good old Sir Any Port in a Storm. That sounds like an obscure Eagles b-side. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/431 "2010-05-17T02:34:13Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > My (now ex-)girlfriend is 22, which I think is part of the problem. She has herself convinced that this is all about striking out on her own, proving she can “make it as an adult” without anyone supporting her. I have no doubt this other guy preyed on that notion and “encouraged” her. All this is just rationalization. The fact is, and I know this from experience, if you haul your significant other halfway across the country just for your job and your dream… well, it often sounds good on paper to the tagger-along, but when the reality of the situation hits, it’s different. They have no social networks, no friends. No matter how accomodating or understanding you are, if you’re paying all the bills, then they feel they have no power or influence in the relationship. They feel they don’t even have a voice and shouldn’t say anything. Once that is the case, unless there is a raving axe murderer waiting for them back home, all it takes is the tiniest breath of something good to make them move back. So basically nobody’s at fault here, it was just an unrealistic strategy from the get-go. Doubly so for a 22-year-old because they’re basically still children and have no self-awareness (again, speaking from experience). Now you know this; plan better in the future. > [@](#): > > I appreciate people looking up tickets, but that won’t really work. She has a lot of stuff out here–way too much to carry with her (and enough that it would be crazy expensive to ship back to IL). A friend of hers has already agreed to fly out here and help her pack, and then they’re going to drive back starting on the 25th. You’re doing the right thing. You don’t have to be an asshole about this. You should, however, be a hard-ass. This was your dream, but she did sign up for it. No more money for her, no assistance beyond helping carry her stuff out of her house; no tolerating late-night phone calls from back home saying “I screwed up”. You don’t do anything for her that a boyfriend or even a friendly roommate would do. She wants independence; moving her ass out of your house can be her very first homework exercise. She doesn’t need to be your enemy, but she has certainly done you no favors and is not your friend. I’m sure you’ll work all this out… remember, there are way too many people out there to worry about the ones who leave you. ---
**Author:** ![SoulFrost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f07891/32.png) [@SoulFrost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SoulFrost)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/432 "2010-05-17T02:51:42Z")
> [@FrancisCastle](#): > > …I wanted what we HAD, but I knew it could never be the same. Words to live by. Evil **Neo** can at least take solace in the fact that the girl will not have a trusting relationship with her new boyfriend. New Guy will always have, somewhere in the back of his mind _If she did it to him, then it’s only a matter of time before she does it to me._ She won’t get very many chances to go out for “secretive phone calls” which involve, I suspect, her meeting Newer New Guy at a hotel that is convieniently close to the airport. ---
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/433 "2010-05-17T08:30:45Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > I couldn’t disagree more. The only person who owes him anything is the person who has voluntarily made a commitment to him. She broke her word and it is to her that his disappointment should be directed. What about the shithead who knew she had a boyfriend but still bored his way into her heart and life without a stray thought for the OP? I’m pretty damn sure he didn’t think the girl in question was single, more like he wanted the girl, saw a relationship teetering on the brink, and then pushed it over the edge. Christ, I’ve done the same thing myself\* in the past and I know how men think in situations like that (or at least how assholes like me do). New Guy is not innocent at all and needs to be put in his place somehow. \*of course, when the ex=boyfriend called to bitch me out, as I’m suggesting here, I let him rant on and on, staying silent until he finished, and then said, “Yeah. I’ll think about all that while I’m fucking (girlfriend) tonight” and then hung-up. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/434 "2010-05-17T13:34:42Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > of course, when the ex=boyfriend called to bitch me out, as I’m suggesting here, I let him rant on and on, staying silent until he finished, and then said, “Yeah. I’ll think about all that while I’m fucking (girlfriend) tonight” and then hung-up. First of all, kudos on the teabagging. Second of all, this is exactly why the OP shouldn’t attempt to bitch out the other guy unless he’s skilled in the art of pwning. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/435 "2010-05-17T13:55:18Z")
**kidney** , what good could possibly come out of what you’re suggesting? You said yourself, when you were in new guy’s position you didn’t give a shit about the ex boyfriend whining to you, so why would this guy? What should **Neo** expect, that the guy would be all “dude, you’re totally right! I’m gonna tell her to go back to you right NOW! Thank you, **Neo** , for showing me the error of my ways!” Comon’ man, that’s just stupid. Plus, it takes some of the responsibility for what happened off of the ex-girlfriend, which isn’t right. No one can “steal” your mate from you. If it wasn’t this dude, it’d be some other one. When someone wants to leave, they’ll find a way. Blaming the new mate just deflects responsibility off of the proper party. **Neo** , I really do wish you the best of luck, despite my earlier lectures. Stay strong and know, deep down in your heart, that this _will_ get better. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/436 "2010-05-17T14:01:53Z")
**Neo** , I’m glad you’re sticking to your guns. That is, by not buying a gun and/or throwing her out. Being a dick might make you feel a little bit better in the short term, but you’ll probably just spend the next week worrying about her anyway, which sure as hell won’t do you any more good than seeing her on the couch in the morning. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/437 "2010-05-17T14:59:42Z")
**Neo** , I hope the fact that you’re still posting in this thread means you’ll still hang around when it’s all over! I think we want to keep you. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/438 "2010-05-17T15:30:47Z")
I think I’m going to enjoy the countdown to the 25th more than counting down on New Year’s Eve. Here’s to Neo getting a better shot at love in 8… ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/439 "2010-05-17T15:39:26Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > of course, when the ex=boyfriend called to bitch me out, as I’m suggesting here, I let him rant on and on, staying silent until he finished, and then said, “Yeah. I’ll think about all that while I’m fucking (girlfriend) tonight” and then hung-up. Of course, trying to bitch the guy out over the phone is always going to be ineffectual and impotent. That’s why you physically have to beat the shit out of the guy, stomp on his balls and make them inoperable.\* The revenge crabs are also still a good option. \*I’m being hyperbolic. I do not advise the OP to actually do this. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/440 "2010-05-17T15:51:07Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > The revenge crabs are also still a good option. I still can’t decide if that’s a joke site or not. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=21) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=23)