# Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444 "2010-05-05T20:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 25
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/481 "2010-05-19T22:10:52Z")
As others have said, **Neo** , that sounds perfectly normal to me. Once a relationship is over, it’s tempting to dump on yourself and blame yourself for not seeing what they were actually like, or putting up with too much, or staying too long, or whatever, but when you’re in the relationship, most of us are just doing our best and trying to love and be loved. Now you know - when everyone in a woman’s life is telling you that she’s a deadbeat, there’s a good chance that she actually is a deadbeat (regardless of HER interpretation of things). 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/482 "2010-05-19T22:56:50Z")
I agree with the others, **Neo**. There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling right now. Hindsight is 20/20, and once those rose colored glasses come off, things can look very different _very_ quickly. For the three years I was with my ex, I was told constantly from others that he was a jerk. No one really liked him outside of a handful of friends he’d had for the majority of his life. My family and friends loathed him. I was in love with him, though, so I just shrugged it off and continued to live our life together. Once I discovered he was cheating on me, however, he became an entirely different person to me within a matter of days. The relationship had been going sour for quite awhile, but it was only after I discovered the cheating that my entire reality seemed to shift. Once he was no longer the person I knew, I was able to see him for who he really was and how everyone else saw him. Thank god for that, really. It was only after that shift that I was able to move on. You’re going to miss her at times, you’ve just got to remember though that you’re not missing _her_, you’re missing what the two of you had. You can never re-create that, though, because she’s not who you thought she was. You’ll just have to create something even better with someone new. You’ll move on, **Neo** , promise. You’ll move on and you’ll find someone who truly deserves you and who _you_ truly deserve. Just make sure that when your ex comes knocking on your door again (and she will, I would almost bet my _life_ on it), you tell her to keep walkin’. Then you tell your then SO that she kicks all kinds of ass and live happily ever after. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/483 "2010-05-19T23:13:59Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I guess now that I’ve divested myself of any hope of winning her back This is the most important thing, in my opinion, of starting to heal. The anger is good too but may be temporary - lost in a whirlwind of cycling emotions over the next few months, only to resurface later - but the realization that it’s well and truly over is the starting point to getting better. ---
**Author:** ![SoulFrost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f07891/32.png) [@SoulFrost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SoulFrost)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/484 "2010-05-19T23:27:53Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > Well… she doesn’t have a valid driver’s license at the moment. That’s why her friend has to fly out to drive her home. And yes, this means I’ve been driving her pretty much everywhere she needed to go since she lost her license last October (she can’t get it back until about $1700 in fines get paid off)… > \ > there was always some damn problem I was helping her through. Most of them were caused by bad decisions she made before I met her. > \ > even her own mother has basically told her not to expect any help from now on. > \ > she’s still making the same kinds of ill-conceived decisions that got her into trouble in the first place, completely oblivious to the pattern she’s stuck in You have just dodged one hell of a nasty bullet, friend. ---
**Author:** ![SoulFrost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f07891/32.png) [@SoulFrost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SoulFrost)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2010, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/485 "2010-05-19T23:29:32Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > For the three years I was with my ex, I was told constantly from others that he was a jerk. No one really liked him outside of a handful of friends he’d had for the majority of his life. My family and friends loathed him. I was in love with him, though, so I just shrugged it off and continued to live our life together. Once I discovered he was cheating on me, however, he became an entirely different person to me within a matter of days. The relationship had been going sour for quite awhile, but it was only after I discovered the cheating that my entire reality seemed to shift. Once he was no longer the person I knew, I was able to see him for who he really was and how everyone else saw him. You and me, did we ever… you know…? ---
**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2010, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/486 "2010-05-20T00:18:40Z")
> [@SoulFrost](#): > > You have just dodged one hell of a nasty bullet, friend. Yeah, I can see that now. It’s good news for the lovely ladies of the San Francisco bay area, though! 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2010, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/487 "2010-05-20T00:20:35Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > Yeah, I can see that now. It’s good news for the lovely ladies of the San Francisco bay area, though! 🆒 _That’s_ the attitude! When you find a good one, you’ll find yourself wondering why you were setting before (hint: it’s a learning process). 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2010, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/488 "2010-05-20T00:33:49Z")
Quick piece of advice: If you start feeling like you want to “rescue” someone… run AWAAAAAAAAY! ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Poster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Happy\_Poster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Poster)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2010, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/489 "2010-05-20T00:42:02Z")
> [@pepperlandgirl](#): > > Alternately, it could just confirm for her that she’s absolutely making the right decision to get away from the dick while the getting is good. Not that I think the OP is a dick, but acting like one to her, even if he’s justified, will probably just make her feel self-righteous in her poor choices. Why should he care what she thinks? ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2010, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/490 "2010-05-20T01:38:33Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > And honestly, it kind of _worries_ me that my feelings could change so fast. Two weeks ago, I had no doubt she was the woman I wanted to share my life with, and now I can’t wait for her to leave. What if I never really loved her? I certainly believed I did, but what if my capacity for love is just… lower than normal? Sorry if that makes no sense–like I said, I’m in a really weird place right now emotionally. Don’t make any significant decisions about your life for at least three months. Trust me on this. > [@Tom\_Scud](#): > > Quick piece of advice: If you start feeling like you want to “rescue” someone… run AWAAAAAAAAY! And that. > [@Woeg](#): > > **Stranger** , you’re absolutely right - I defer to your much saner post. 🙂 Remember, true wisdom comes from making every possible combination (and often every permutation) of bad choices possible in a given situation until you figure out how to avoid getting the same shitty result over and over again. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2010, 9:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/491 "2010-05-20T09:56:06Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > Yeah, I can see that now. It’s good news for the lovely ladies of the San Francisco bay area, though! 🆒 My suggestion is going out, meeting some women, and just having fun. Don’t get caught up in emotional issues, wanting a relationship before you’re ready, or anything like that at this point. Meet some girls, go on some dates, get some numbers, but don’t start thinking that you “need” to be in a relationship right away or that you “need” to think of every girl you meet as a potential SO. Just go out, have a good time, and when you find one you have a good feeling about it’ll all just fall into place. Just don’t think too much when you get back into the dating scene, just let everything go naturally! ---
**Author:** ![MikeG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikeg/32/4329_2.png) [@MikeG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeG)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/492 "2010-05-26T02:39:01Z")
So…how’s that whole “let her stay at your place while she gets ready to move in with the new BF” thing working out? ---
**Author:** ![SoulFrost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f07891/32.png) [@SoulFrost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SoulFrost)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/493 "2010-05-26T02:53:45Z")
Yeah, come on… dish the juicy! ---
**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/494 "2010-05-26T20:14:59Z")
Well, yesterday was it. Her friend flew in, they got all of her stuff packed in her car, threw away what she couldn’t take with her, and then they left. It was… harder than I thought it would be. Even though I know now that it wouldn’t have worked out in the long run, and it’s still a relief to have her gone, for two years I loved her more than anything. We had FAR more good times than bad while we were together. Seeing her walk out my door and knowing that I’ll almost certainly never see her again… tough guy act aside, it fucking hurt. She wanted to hug me one last time, but I wouldn’t let her–I wanted to, but after what she did, I couldn’t let myself. I did ask her to give me one last smile as she stood in the doorway, though. She did, with tears in her eyes. Then she turned and was gone. I know what she did doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, and I won’t. I wouldn’t take her back if she asked me to. But it hurt me to the core watching her walk out of my life, betrayal or no. Damn it, I’m only human. Anyway, it’s OK now. It was weird to wake up to an empty apartment this morning, but I have work to keep me busy and I’m already starting to date again. Had one on Sunday with a really cute, really nice girl my age which went very well. Life will go on. And regardless of how things ended between my ex and I, I have no doubt that I’m a better person for loving her. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/495 "2010-05-26T20:26:00Z")
Life will indeed go on. Don’t forget to give yourself some time to wallow/grieve/be angry/think life is unfair and you didn’t deserve this. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/496 "2010-05-26T20:32:22Z")
Congratulations for sticking with your morals and for coming out on the other side. My best wishes to you as you move forward. ---
**Author:** ![janis\_and\_c0](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janis_and_c0/32/21_2.png) [@janis\_and\_c0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/janis_and_c0)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/497 "2010-05-26T20:48:12Z")
Good for you , **Neo**. Remember, when you miss your ex, work on your aim. Seriously, _HUGS_ ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/498 "2010-05-26T21:20:15Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I guess I wish I was that kind of person–the kind who could just say “Fuck you, you cheating bitch! Get out of my life forever!” But I just can’t. It wouldn’t make me feel any better anyway, so what would be the point? Dude, you will never regret taking the high road. Oh, usre revenge fantasies can be sweet to mull over on a bitter night, but taking the high rad and knowing you stayed classy is always the better way to go. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/499 "2010-05-26T21:22:45Z")
[Nice!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIPS4LyveJs&feature=related) ] > [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I’m already starting to date again. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/500 "2010-05-26T22:59:35Z")
> [@Neo](#): > > I did ask her to give me one last smile as she stood in the doorway, though. :smack: You were so close. The rest of your response was perfect… but you just couldn’t resist. Seriously though, I’m super glad that you’re already dating again. Based on the timing of your date, does this mean you went out with a girl while the ex was still staying at your place? If so, double points! I’ve already said that it’s unlikely that she’ll come crawling back, as others have practically guaranteed you she will (in an attempt to cheer you up, I think), but, if she does, it’s imperative that you resist. Be strong! All things said and done, it sounds like a winrar is you, and your date went well, so I’m sure you’ll have replaced this chick in no time at all. Bonus points with the ladies for having had your heart broken, for serious. Thanks for keeping us all updated instead of flaking out like some other posters. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=24) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=26)