# Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444 "2010-05-05T20:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 27
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/521 "2010-05-27T17:51:23Z")
This discussion has me thinking there are different levels of forgiveness. It seems like the kind of forgiveness you would give a spouse who made a mistake is different than the forgiveness you eventually find for a partner who acted so badly that it ended a loving relationship. The latter is a very neutral forgiveness - you don’t actively hate that person any longer, and you might have found some understanding for why they did what they did, but there’s no chance that you’ll ever give them the opportunity to do it again. ---
**Author:** ![MN\_Maenad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e95f7d/32.png) [@MN\_Maenad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MN_Maenad)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/522 "2010-05-27T19:41:46Z")
And forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean “It’s OK that you hurt me so badly, I understand”. Sometimes it’s more like “I don’t have feelings for you anymore and what you did no longer has any power over me”. The latter is what I found with a particularly nasty ex. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/523 "2010-05-27T20:02:19Z")
Yup - it’s true what they say - the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. I indifferent all of my exes. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/524 "2010-05-27T20:14:19Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I indifferent all of my exes. 🙂 Does that, by any chance, involve some sort of blunt object? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/525 "2010-05-27T20:21:09Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > This discussion has me thinking there are different levels of forgiveness. It seems like the kind of forgiveness you would give a spouse who made a mistake is different than the forgiveness you eventually find for a partner who acted so badly that it ended a loving relationship. The latter is a very neutral forgiveness - you don’t actively hate that person any longer, and you might have found some understanding for why they did what they did, but there’s no chance that you’ll ever give them the opportunity to do it again. You can forgive someone and still have boundaries. I may genuinely wish my ex well and forgive her, but she is not allowed to be a part of my life anymore because she has proven herself incapable of respecting my feelings and personal relationship boundaries. Do I hate her still? No, not at all. Would I let her back into my life? No effing way! ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/526 "2010-05-27T20:34:28Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > :smack: You were so close. The rest of your response was perfect… but you just couldn’t resist. > I’ve already said that it’s unlikely that she’ll come crawling back, as others have practically guaranteed you she will (in an attempt to cheer you up, I think), but, if she does, it’s imperative that you resist. Be strong! Word. Knock off the Charles Boyer/Hans Conreid stuff. Also, she won’t come crawling back, but, I suspect that you think that she will. Be strong across the board. Don’t let yourself imagine anything other than that she will come crawling back, then dump you again, while her 5 biker boyfriends are kicking the snot out of you. There are a few more things that need saying. 1. \*\*Neo \*\*should have pointed out, much earlier, that she was on the lease. It could have saved about 2 pages of discussion. Also, it’s not the high ground that he was taking, if she was on the lease. 2. I hope \*\*Neo \*\*has changed the lease/locks. 3. Under any circumstances, if a former paramour kicks you to the curb, it is imperative that they be tossed out immediately. Why? Well, who wants their new beloved into the house while you are gone? How about while you are at home? How about, while you are at home, sleeping? How about while you are at home, sleeping, and they are doing strange things with ropes and trash bags? Maybe he will like your CDs, computer, whatever is removeable, and, in court, you cannot prove what was taken by him? 4. People act as if \*\*Neo \*\*was wonderful for looking at her through his two years of hapiness with her. I can’t address that, but, somebody should have pointed out that she didn’t care about him in the least, at this point. He, to her, was a strange form of DNA walking around the apartment with her, getting in her way. He was of less concern to her, at that point, than the kindly, grizzled janitor that sweeps the parking lot of their apartment complex. Congratulations on dodging the bullet, tho. You got off cheap. Best wishes, hh ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/527 "2010-05-27T23:44:36Z")
> [@MN\_Maenad](#): > > And forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean “It’s OK that you hurt me so badly, I understand”. Sometimes it’s more like “I don’t have feelings for you anymore and what you did no longer has any power over me”. The latter is what I found with a particularly nasty ex. This, right here. That’s exactly the kind of forgiveness I had for my ex. It’s almost a little bit of a “f you” to them as well, as it only comes when you no longer carry any more hurt from their actions. You’re finally, really and truly “over it.” ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/528 "2010-05-27T23:57:26Z")
1.) The opposite of love is NOT indifference. Think of love as a huge supply of positive emotion (like the number 100). Indifference is a lack of emotion (like the number 0). Hatred would be a huge supply of negative emotion (like the number -100). 2.) If your forgiveness is like saying “fuck you” to them, it’s not real forgiveness. There’s a difference between “not caring” and “pardoning.” ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/529 "2010-05-28T00:10:34Z")
I don’t agree. You can, in fact, have an “f you” kind of forgiveness. **MN\_Maenad** explained it perfectly. You can dislike a person but still forgive them for screwing you over. The two are not mutually exclusive. Like **cat whisperer** said, there’s different levels of forgiveness. It’s not a black and white kind of thing. For example, I don’t like my ex. I think he’s a bad person to his very core. However, I do forgive him for what he _did to me_. In my mind, he almost couldn’t help doing asshole things to me because he _is_ an asshole. That’s just who he is. I realized that I finally forgave him when I no longer actively wished him any ill will. He could live happily ever after or spend the rest of his life in total misery, I honestly don’t care either way. Karma will give him whatever he deserves, good or bad, and I’m totally ok with that. The “f you” stems from my knowledge that in his twisted mind, the highest insult would be someone no longer pining over him or hurt by something he’s done. Indifference is the ultimate insult to a person like him. So yeah, I do get a little bit of pleasure from that, because I don’t like him as a person. Hell, I don’t like a lot of people. Some of those people haven’t even done anything to me, they just bug. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/530 "2010-05-28T00:15:59Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > 1. Under any circumstances, if a former paramour kicks you to the curb, it is imperative that they be tossed out immediately. Why? Well, who wants their new beloved into the house while you are gone? How about while you are at home? How about, while you are at home, sleeping? How about while you are at home, sleeping, and they are doing strange things with ropes and trash bags? Maybe he will like your CDs, computer, whatever is removeable, and, in court, you cannot prove what was taken by him? New boyfriend was 2,000 miles away, hence unlikely to pop by for a quickie. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/531 "2010-05-28T00:19:22Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > 1.) The opposite of love is NOT indifference. Think of love as a huge supply of positive emotion (like the number 100). Indifference is a lack of emotion (like the number 0). Hatred would be a huge supply of negative emotion (like the number -100). But hatred involves being still very emotionally intertwined with that person. They’re consuming your thoughts, “living rent-free in your head”, and working yourself into stress and distraction over them. Plus if you have a vindictive ex, that person is gonna be amused as fuck if you blow your top every time a mutual friend mentions the ex, if they happen to run into you somewhere and you go into royal bitch mode, etc. You want that ex out of your life in all ways, so you’d be well-served getting to indifference. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=26)