# Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444 "2010-05-05T20:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/41 "2010-05-06T00:25:33Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > But the real question is, when did you get a sex change? :eek: > > Up until this thread I thought you were a woman. That’s what I thought at first but I think we were mixing him up with **NinjaChick**. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/42 "2010-05-06T01:19:37Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > If she hasn’t said anything to you about joining a meetup group or applying at Disney or whatever I would bet a not insignificant amount of money she is planning to move away at the first opportunity. I would agree. If this were someone I were talking to personally then I wouldn’t be asking her about the guy, I’d be asking why she wasn’t investing her time in her new life in CA. I don’t see the guy as anything other than a need for a 3rd party to talk to, my very WAG is that she doesn’t want to tell friends and family back home that it’s not working out. That’s just what stood out to me, as someone who’s moved around a few times. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/43 "2010-05-06T01:19:49Z")
Add another person who thinks she needs to dial it back a little. Yes, she can have male friends, but she needs to be careful not to cross relationship boundaries with those friendships, and she’s crossing boundaries. The hours-long talk specifically away from you is my biggest red flag, too. Someone mentioned an emotional affair already; part of the reason emotional affairs are a bad thing is because she might be taking emotional intimacy that she should be sharing with you and giving it to someone outside your relationship. That’s not even getting into the simple time that her talking on the phone for hours takes away from the time you should spend together. ---
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/44 "2010-05-06T01:24:49Z")
I will no doubt be soundly denounced by most readers of this thread for what I’m about to say, but you should read her emails, texts, and IMs. Go ahead and call me a privacy-invading asshole if you want, but I too experienced the “new online friend” that showed up out of nowhere and caused a big attention shift in my girlfriend from me to him, all while my SO was writing him off as, “just a friend.” I read her emails and, sure enough, there they were talking about having sex together, talking about the best way for her to break up with me as soon as possible and be with him, etc. I told her the same night to pack her shit and get out. It made me feel a helluva lot better than sitting around like a dumbass thinking everything was ok until she dumped me out of the blue for her “friend” would have made me feel. Do you have a right to look at an SO’s email or texts? Yes, if there is an unexplainable change in behavior that they refuse to discuss with you. Also, why don’t you confront the guy, OP? If you have his number or online name you should get in touch and ask what the hell is going on. You’re right to be concerned. ---
**Author:** ![Fair\_Rarity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fair_rarity/32/153_2.png) [@Fair\_Rarity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fair_Rarity)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/45 "2010-05-06T01:26:40Z")
My now-ex made a little girl friend. I knew they were talking, but I didn’t think he’d be a cheater. And he was being upfront about everything, so that gave me even more reason to not worry. They went to hang out one day. He dumped me the next. I thought I was being the cool girlfriend by not giving him a hard time early on and letting it work itself out, that there wasn’t anything TO work out. I hope your situation isn’t like that. On the opposite side, I had a lot of guy friends, spent a lot of time with them, although not to the extent you’re saying your g/f is doing, and I have never cheated or even done anything for my boyfriends to worry about. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/46 "2010-05-06T01:48:23Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > I will no doubt be soundly denounced by most readers of this thread for what I’m about to say, but you should read her emails, texts, and IMs. Go ahead and call me a privacy-invading asshole if you want, but I too experienced the “new online friend” that showed up out of nowhere and caused a big attention shift in my girlfriend from me to him, all while my SO was writing him off as, “just a friend.” I read her emails and, sure enough, there they were talking about having sex together, talking about the best way for her to break up with me as soon as possible and be with him, etc. I told her the same night to pack her shit and get out. It made me feel a helluva lot better than sitting around like a dumbass thinking everything was ok until she dumped me out of the blue for her “friend” would have made me feel. Do you have a right to look at an SO’s email or texts? Yes, if there is an unexplainable change in behavior that they refuse to discuss with you. > > Also, why don’t you confront the guy, OP? If you have his number or online name you should get in touch and ask what the hell is going on. You’re right to be concerned. I too am a privacy-invading asshole. I’m one hell of a hypocrite about it when it comes to my privacy being invaded, though (by the government, not necessarily by my SO who is concerned that I’m cheating on her). ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/47 "2010-05-06T01:53:04Z")
> [@Oni no Maggie](#): > > Yes, and? They meet online, become friends, he is struggling with something (parents, money, bad breakup, coming out…) she turns a sympathetic ear, they talk more by IM, and then by phone. > > I’m not saying there’s _not_ something going on. Just saying that it’s not wise to jump immediately to ‘ZOMG SHE’S CHEATING!!!11!!!ONE!!!’ when there are other possible explanations. Put me in this camp too. Something could be going on, no question, but I don’t think it’s _necessarily_ the case. There’s a healthy possibility that it’s not a friendship that will go anywhere non-platonic. Take me, for example. I’m thrilled that a guy I made friends with last summer is now back where I work. We eat lunch together every day. Hopefully this doesn’t bother his girlfriend, because we really are just friends and this isn’t going to change. Not only does he have a girlfriend, not only is one of the biggest reasons I like him and a mutual friend so much because they both remind me so much of my little brother, he’s ten years younger than me which is way too big a gap at our ages. I’m not saying that the OP’s girlfriend has the same sort of friendship as he and I do, but it would be foolish to rule out the possibility that they really are just friends too. However, even if they are just friends (and I hope they are) the OP’s feelings of neglect are justified, and it couldn’t hurt to tactifully suggest that. Worst case scenario: she is cheating and bringing up his feeling left out brings the matter to its ugly conclusion sooner than later. I’m not sure that getting the worst over with is a minus, so… ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/48 "2010-05-06T02:06:39Z")
An ex of mine all of the sudden started getting really close to this other girl at work. I voiced my concerns and was reassured numerous times it was “not what I thought.” They’d go to dinner together, and would be talking online after I went to bed at night. I went out of town for a week and was dumped a couple days after I got back. They live together now and we all work together. There’s no innocent explanation for her behavior. Sorry, dude. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/49 "2010-05-06T02:17:06Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > I will no doubt be soundly denounced by most readers of this thread for what I’m about to say, but you should read her emails, texts, and IMs. Go ahead and call me a privacy-invading asshole if you want, but I too experienced the “new online friend” that showed up out of nowhere and caused a big attention shift in my girlfriend from me to him, all while my SO was writing him off as, “just a friend.” I read her emails and, sure enough, there they were talking about having sex together, talking about the best way for her to break up with me as soon as possible and be with him, etc. I told her the same night to pack her shit and get out. It made me feel a helluva lot better than sitting around like a dumbass thinking everything was ok until she dumped me out of the blue for her “friend” would have made me feel. Do you have a right to look at an SO’s email or texts? Yes, if there is an unexplainable change in behavior that they refuse to discuss with you. > > Also, why don’t you confront the guy, OP? If you have his number or online name you should get in touch and ask what the hell is going on. You’re right to be concerned. I’m with you man, even though it’s undoubtably the unfavored position. Sometimes it’s just the only way to truly know what’s going on. You’ve got to make sure that you’re prepared to discover whatever you might find, however. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/50 "2010-05-06T03:14:21Z")
Snooping is probably going to end badly, since most people aren’t going to accept it. So, if you value the relationship and hope it continues, don’t do something that will very likely cause it to end even if you find nothing incriminating. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/51 "2010-05-06T03:29:56Z")
Well, the only way she’d know about it is if he found something incriminating or told her he’d snooped. If it’s the former, it should end anyway. If it’s the latter, well, he probably shouldn’t snoop if he’s gonna tell her he did it anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/52 "2010-05-06T03:32:26Z")
> [@](#): > > Snooping is probably going to end badly, since most people aren’t going to accept it. So, if you value the relationship and hope it continues, don’t do something that will very likely cause it to end even if you find nothing incriminating. No worries. I understand the temptation to do so, but I’d never stoop to this for this exact reason. Plus, and call me old-fashioned if you like, but I feel like this is one of those situations where “cheating to win” isn’t really winning. If I’m going to get us through this, I’m going to do it on the up-and-up. Anyway, heading home to talk to her now. We’ll see what happens. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/53 "2010-05-06T03:40:41Z")
I have a feeling she’s going to insist they’re just friends and call your concerns unreasonable, as others have suggested. =/ ---
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/54 "2010-05-06T04:10:43Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Snooping is probably going to end badly, since most people aren’t going to accept it. So, if you value the relationship and hope it continues, don’t do something that will very likely cause it to end even if you find nothing incriminating. Most likely it’s going to end badly anyway. As mentioned above, even asking what’s going on will probably elicit a “you don’t trust me/you’re trying to control me” response from the girlfriend which will just fester and get worse and worse. Snooping, however unethical it may be, will give one a better picture of what’s going on if not an answer. If he finds out she’s cheating then he can dump her ass, if he finds out she’s just a shoulder to cry on then he go on with the relationship and never mention that he snooped. What’s more, I suspect that many of the “she’s getting ready to cheat” responses will be coming from men and the “it might be nothing” will be coming from women. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/55 "2010-05-06T04:11:26Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > No worries. I understand the temptation to do so, but I’d never stoop to this for this exact reason. Plus, and call me old-fashioned if you like, but I feel like this is one of those situations where “cheating to win” isn’t really winning. If I’m going to get us through this, I’m going to do it on the up-and-up. > > Anyway, heading home to talk to her now. We’ll see what happens. I wish you well. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/56 "2010-05-06T04:13:12Z")
I’d recommend choosing a good time and place to talk about it. Not sure if there’s a good time, but there’s plenty of bad ones. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/57 "2010-05-06T04:14:33Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > Snooping, however unethical it may be, will give one a better picture of what’s going on if not an answer. Do you think it’s unethical? I do. And if I treat my partner unethically, what am I? ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/58 "2010-05-06T04:16:16Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Do you think it’s unethical? I do. And if I treat my partner unethically, what am I? Oooh, wait, I know this one… Is it a politician? ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/59 "2010-05-06T04:20:45Z")
I’m a straight man and the vast majority of my friends are women. I’m a physically open person, so hugs and snuggling on a couch during a movie with a friend can be a completely platonic thing for me. This is the way I’ve always been, the way I am, and the way I will likely remain, at least as long as it’s socially acceptable for my age. My girlfriend understands this about me, is a emphatically non-jealous person, and this works for us. I value this about her really highly, and I tell her so. And I have never cheated on her, and I have had the opportunity to do so, probably with no repercussions. If I moved to a new town, and the first new friend I met was a woman, I’d probably spend a lot of time with her, and it would be entirely platonic. But. This sounds bad, man. I’d be pretty nervous, and if I did confront my girlfriend about it, I’d be especially clear that I knew she wasn’t cheating on me and never would, but that I was worried about how her friendship was affecting this relationship. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/60 "2010-05-06T04:27:43Z")
I agree that you shouldn’t approach her accusingly, but I don’t think you should say “I know you’d never cheat on me” because it just isn’t true. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=4)