# Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444 "2010-05-05T20:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/61 "2010-05-06T04:42:21Z")
Not overreacting at all. I’d tell her to cut off all contact or it’s over. Don’t dick around. This other guy is trying to fuck her, and if she’s that receptive, then it’s probably over anyway, but at least the OP doesn’t have to wait around and be a sap. ---
**Author:** ![Ostrya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/35a633/32.png) [@Ostrya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ostrya)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/62 "2010-05-06T05:09:00Z")
I don’t believe in snooping, you shouldn’t have to do that. I do believe in dumping her cheap, insensitive, shallow ass and looking for a higher quality friend, there’s a lot of other fish out there. Life is just too damn short. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/63 "2010-05-06T05:26:49Z")
I wouldn’t advise snooping, either - if your trust is that far gone, you might as well throw in the towel. Regardless of what you find, it would be hard to come back from that. I hope he comes back and tells us how it goes - I also hope it goes well, and she just didn’t realize how her behaviour was looking. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/64 "2010-05-06T06:14:52Z")
I’m the most “jealousy is bad and nobody should give up their friends” person there is, but I absolutely agree this is looking really bad. Usually if you suspect something is up, then something is up. If you have huge honking red flags like this, something is definitely up. If you weren’t living together, I would suggest that you guys take some time off from each other, give her a chance to sort out her priorities. Given that she is probably affected by the stress of the move and unemployment, I’m not ready to say that things are irredeemable. But she is going to have to choose and commit 100%. The problem is that she’s going to cling to you no matter what, and you have to make sure she is really choosing to be with you, not just choosing the easy way out by staying with you (which means this problem will pop up again.) A couple of months apart would do that- she could learn to live on her own, and then decide if she wants to choose you freely. Anyway, since you live together, that’s probably not going to work. I’m not sure what to say. I agree with not snooping, though. If you are at the point of snooping, then you might as well call it off. If the trust is that far gone, there is nothing left to save even if you don’t find anything incriminating. > [@the lone cashew](#): > > I do believe in dumping her cheap, insensitive, shallow ass and looking for a higher quality friend, there’s a lot of other fish out there. Life is just too damn short. Your words seem a bit harsh, especially given that we know one side of the story. Perhaps she is just finding that her current relationship is not working for her, and figuring out a perfectly acceptable and ethical way to end it. I agree she has overstepped some boundaries, but it could be because she is dealing with changing priorities, not because she is some kind of lying minx. ---
**Author:** ![Ostrya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/35a633/32.png) [@Ostrya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ostrya)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/65 "2010-05-06T07:42:54Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Your words seem a bit harsh, especially given that we know one side of the story. Perhaps she is just finding that her current relationship is not working for her, and figuring out a perfectly acceptable and ethical way to end it. I agree she has overstepped some boundaries, but it could be because she is dealing with changing priorities, not because she is some kind of lying minx. You’re right about only one side of the story, but that’s all we have to go on and from what was said, this person is treating the OP badly. Just like I think snooping is uncool, I also think this type of treatment of the OP is shitty too. This is just my opinion but I think this is a cold and crappy way to “figure out a perfectly acceptable and ethical way to end the relationship” if “it’s not working out”. It borders on cheating. “dealing with changing priorities”? That sounds like bs to me. And I don’t know where the “lying minx” came from, who said she was a liar? ---
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 8:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/66 "2010-05-06T08:16:28Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Do you think it’s unethical? I do. And if I treat my partner unethically, what am I? Yeah, as if his partner is treating him all that well :rolleyes: Of course, you’re all free to do whatever you want, but if it was my girlfriend acting weird talking to some guy, and if she got all defensive and accusatory when I asked her about it, and if I couldn’t get a real answer out of her about it, I’d be snooping and I’d have every right to, “ethics” be damned. I have a right to know why my mate has suddenly started behaving strangely. In some cases it would be stupid NOT to snoop. And, no, it doesn’t have to mean that the relationship can’t be salvaged because it’s “sunk to that level.” It just means one side wasn’t explaining themselves and desperate measures had to be taken to see if the relationship should continue or not. Also, “trust” and the “sanctity of the relationship” don’t mean a helluva lot if your girlfriend is getting ready to dump you, now do they? OTOH, OP hasn’t even talked with his girl yet (or hasn’t posted about it yet), so we don’t even know. She may very well agree to cut the “friend” off completely. I wouldn’t be surprised, though, if OP gets the “you don’t trust me” lecture. I hope I’m wrong, though. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 8:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/67 "2010-05-06T08:43:00Z")
It’s none of our fucking business but I really want to know how things go. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 9:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/68 "2010-05-06T09:02:10Z")
While I feel a bit dirty, I completely and otherwise 100% agree with **kidneyfailure**. To use my own parlance and quote the great prophet Schwarzenegger: “It’s not a tumor. There is no bathroom!” ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/69 "2010-05-06T12:46:22Z")
I go with the cosensus. If shes so lonely why can’t she hook up with a female online. The phone call out of your hearing is the step before they meet up IRL. Bin her. and don’t feel bad about it. She’s been doing all the naughty not you. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/70 "2010-05-06T13:01:06Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > I will no doubt be soundly denounced by most readers of this thread for what I’m about to say, but you should read her emails, texts, and IMs. Believe me, I understand the desire to do so, but my objection to it is practical in nature. You won’t find proof of innocence by snooping; it’s either going to be silent on the subject, ambiguous, or incriminating. You’re never going to restore trust by reading her email, so if you’re at that point, you might as well just break up. Looking through her messages for information, I’ve come to believe, is the same self-flagellating impulse that leads one to demand details after being told of an affair: “Did you do it in our bed!? Did you come!? How many times!? Auuggh! Don’t tell me that!” ---
**Author:** ![khere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/6f9a4e/32.png) [@khere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/khere)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/71 "2010-05-06T13:11:01Z")
Is it possible that your girlfriend could just be a little clueless about the proper boundaries for your relationship? I’d be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt - perhaps she’s not entirely innocent, but it may just be as simple as she has no incentive to stop a bad habit. Maybe she \*needs \*you to draw the line and say ‘hey, here’s what I’m comfortable with and here’s what I’m not comfortable with’. If you draw her attention to the fact that a) you’ve noticed and b) you feel uncomfortable about it, then that may very well be the kick she needs to snap out of it. Or, she could get all defensive and bitchy… or she could already be plotting sexytime with her new friend. (… Do tell what happened!) ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/72 "2010-05-06T13:12:02Z")
One point I think that has been understated in this thread is that she’s having her conversations **away** from the OP. What doesn’t she want him to hear? If it’s innocent and she’s simply acting as a confidante for this other guy, then there’s no need to be out of earshot of the OP. All I can think of is she’s planning _her_ exit strategy with this guy. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/73 "2010-05-06T14:07:22Z")
That’s what I think as well, or she’s having an emotional affair. I’ve had it done to me and I’ve (shamefully) done it. All the signs are there. As for the snooping: sometimes, when you _know_ something is not right, yet all your partner will do is deny, deny, deny, and you love your partner too much to just walk away without actually knowing for sure that something _is_ happening, your only option left is to snoop. It’s not a good option, it’s not the honorable option, but sometimes when your stomach is in knots and you feel like you’re about to lose it: it’s the _only_ option. Note: everytime I’ve snooped, I’ve found something. It’s not fun, it’s horrifying. It’s also been necessary. ---
**Author:** ![KellyCriterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@KellyCriterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyCriterion)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/74 "2010-05-06T14:22:08Z")
OP: It’s totally unacceptable. ---
**Author:** ![storyteller0910](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@storyteller0910](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/storyteller0910)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/75 "2010-05-06T14:23:21Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Snooping is probably going to end badly, since most people aren’t going to accept it. So, if you value the relationship and hope it continues, don’t do something that will very likely cause it to end even if you find nothing incriminating. I think this is excellent advice, worth repeating. I do in fact think this behavior is _potentially_ cause for concern, but it is very possible that nothing untoward has happend yet (indeed, it is possible that nothing untoward will ever happen at all). If you choose to snoop, you need to be prepared for the possibility that you will learn that her relationship is entirely platonic, and that you have violated her trust and been wrong about it. In such a case, you might lose the relationship because of your own actions. Don’t do it. Ask her directly, and if you feel you cannot trust her answer, leave, because if you can’t trust what she says, you’re not in a relationship anymore. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/76 "2010-05-06T14:23:26Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![Staggerlee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/staggerlee/32/3134_2.png) [@Staggerlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Staggerlee)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/77 "2010-05-06T14:35:29Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > Looking through her messages for information, I’ve come to believe, is the same self-flagellating impulse that leads one to demand details after being told of an affair: “Did you do it in our bed!? Did you come!? How many times!? Auuggh! Don’t tell me that!” On the positive side, this will give you literally years of material for your Cuckold-Masochist spank bank. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/78 "2010-05-06T14:37:07Z")
> [@drachillix](#): > > Been there done that saw it coming for weeks, still got royally screwed worse than I thought. Sometimes the best victory is to kill the family, burn down the village, and leave one survivor to inform the rest of your incomparable ruthlessness. I don’t mean that literally, or at least, not unless you are dealing with East European mafia, but you get the idea. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/79 "2010-05-06T14:45:15Z")
Rather than snooping, maybe the OP could straight up ask his girlfriend if she’d mind letting him see e-mails/texts/etc. Tell her that he trusts her but would she mind letting him see some of their communications so that he can feel better about the whole situation. Make it about himself and his own “hangups” of distrust rather than accusing her of being in the wrong. Then see how she reacts. I think that if she was really invested in their relationship and making it work, that she’d understand his worry and let him see that everything was kosher. Of course, he may have already talked w/ her about everything. Hopefully he’ll post soon w/ a recap for us, as if its any of our business. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/80 "2010-05-06T14:59:13Z")
I’d be digging through the temp internet files and chat logs if it were me. If she’s innocent, then the comfort of knowing will outweigh the guilt I feel. If she’s guilty, then I sure as hell won’t have any regret about finding out. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=5)