# Girlfriend is spending a lot of time talking to a new guy friend of hers online. Should I worry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444 "2010-05-05T20:29:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/141 "2010-05-06T23:18:21Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > And you don’t because you believe that the end _might_ justify the means, right? Assuming, that is, that you find what you’re looking for. Is that accurate? Everytime it’s come to snooping I’ve found something going on. Am I Kreskin or am I just using common sense? You be the judge. If I find no evidence of cheating then I can accept that I was just a paranoid, distrustful asshole and try to work on it. If I do find evidence of something (and most times you will) then she can go live with him, which is probably what she was trying to find a way to do anyway. > [@jsgoddess](#): > > This might be my favorite post EVER. You guys can say whatever you want, but my relationships don’t happen in a perfect world…maybe yours do, mine don’t. Sometimes you have to do something you don’t want to do to get closure or proof that this problem isn’t just all in your head. That’s life. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/142 "2010-05-06T23:25:30Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > Everytime it’s come to snooping I’ve found something going on. Am I Kreskin or am I just using common sense? You be the judge. If I find no evidence of cheating then I can accept that I was just a paranoid, distrustful asshole and try to work on it. If I do find evidence of something (and most times you will) then she can go live with him, which is probably what she was trying to find a way to do anyway. I find your response so baffling, though. You just said that every time you’ve had a suspicion, it’s turned out to be true. But you STILL think you need to snoop to be 100% certain? ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/143 "2010-05-06T23:25:55Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > You guys can say whatever you want, but my relationships don’t happen in a perfect world…maybe yours do, mine don’t. You justify the snooping, which leads to more of it. I think there’s a pretty clear pattern. ---
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/144 "2010-05-06T23:27:47Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > I find your response so baffling, though. You just said that every time you’ve had a suspicion, it’s turned out to be true. But you STILL think you need to snoop to be 100% certain? Suspicion doesn’t equal proof. In all of the situations I’ve been in I had my suspicions, but I acknowledged that I might have just been making a big deal out of nothing. I needed proof and I got it and I was right. What’s so hard to figure out? > [@jsgoddess](#): > > You justify the snooping, which leads to more of it. I think there’s a pretty clear pattern. Way to miss the point completely. FWIW, I’ve been married for five years and have a kid on the way. My wife doesn’t give me any reason to snoop, so I don’t. There’s no pattern to be had. And no snooping to undertake unless someone gives you a reason to. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/145 "2010-05-06T23:27:52Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Probably because we can’t grok why you _can’t_ leave. Yeah sometimes, it’s hard. Staying faithful is hard too. Doesn’t change the fact that giving into either temptation is wrong. > > Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who sees nothing wrong about snooping when it serves his purposes? Interesting question. I’ve actually had an ex look through my email. He didn’t believe the reason I gave for leaving and took it upon himself to find the real reason. I understood why he did it. I _wasn’t_ being totally honest with him and that was my bad. Chalked it up to karma, really. If my partner was tied up in the kind of knots I was when I snooped, I’d want him to get some relief. If I’m not doing anything wrong, he can rest easy. If I find out he’s snooping and I’m not doing anything wrong, I’d suggest some counseling to deal with whatever trust issues he might have. If I _am_ doing something wrong, I hardly have the moral high ground now, do I? ---
**Author:** ![Creole\_Tomato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a4c791/32.png) [@Creole\_Tomato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creole_Tomato)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/146 "2010-05-06T23:29:26Z")
This brings me back to my original musing: is there anything you could find which would convince you there was NOTHING going on? I don’t think so. I think it’s more likely that if you don’t find any evidence, you figure “well, that wasn’t incriminating, but I still think there’s something going on. I’ll keep looking.” When you look for something long enough, you find it. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/147 "2010-05-06T23:30:34Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > Suspicion doesn’t equal proof. In all of the situations I’ve been in I had my suspicions, but I acknowledged that I might have just been making a big deal out of nothing. I needed proof and I got it and I was right. What’s so hard to figure out? I can’t figure out how you could feel that distrustful of someone and then think that if you don’t get your proof, you can go back to trusting them. ---
**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/148 "2010-05-06T23:33:41Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > I’m guessing you’ve never pulled up stakes to move a long way away from everyone and everything you’ve ever known because your sweetie got a new job, then spent months looking for a job and ways to meet people (and failing) while he has a whole built-in peer group automatically. It’s _hard_, and the way you feel about your SO gets…complicated in ways that make you feel stupid and assholish and are embarrassing to talk about, especially with the SO. > > Basically, no matter how much you love this person and are happy to be with them, no matter where and would follow them to the ends of the earth, you’re sad and lonely and frustrated and it feels like the whole morass of negative feelings is _all their fault_. And you know it’s not their fault, so you feel guilty about feeling that way, and there’s no way to discuss the issue without making them feel like shit for dragging you off to this place where you’re miserable, which would only make you feel even worse for making them feel bad. You’ve got to vent it somewhere, and old friends who know the SO will eventually mention it to them…having someone who is solely your friend and has _nothing_ to do with the SO can be a real sanity-saver in such a situation. I think this is almost exactly what the underlying issue behind all this is. You sound like you’ve been through this before. Any suggestions on how I can help my girlfriend through this? I know it’s probably something she mostly has to figure out on her own, but I’ll do anything I can to make it easier for her. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/149 "2010-05-06T23:35:21Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > I can’t figure out how you could feel that distrustful of someone and then think that if you don’t get your proof, you can go back to trusting them. Because he doesn’t quite trust his intuition. It’s really not that difficult to understand. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/150 "2010-05-06T23:36:00Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > My wife doesn’t give me any reason to snoop, so I don’t. There’s no pattern to be had. And no snooping to undertake unless someone gives you a reason to. You couldn’t just say, “I don’t trust this person. I’m so filled with distrust that I would not believe what they say to my face, therefore my relationship is doomed”? It isn’t a court of law. There is no burden of proof. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/151 "2010-05-06T23:36:41Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > I find your response so baffling, though. You just said that every time you’ve had a suspicion, it’s turned out to be true. But you STILL think you need to snoop to be 100% certain? I mean, I get it. I do. I admit it’s more than a little crazy (and perhaps why I am single), but there ya’ go. Every time I’ve sunk to snooping, I’ve found that smoking gun. Do I snoop in every relationship? Of course not, this is just a few instances. Why, then, when I get that ping of wrongness in my stomach that makes me want to snoop, do I feel the need to do it, knowing what I’ll find? I don’t know- it’s some weird thing about not wanting to believe that person is capable of it, maybe I’m just being crazy this time, etc. It doesn’t help that when you mention your suspicions to these guys, they are the first to call you crazy, say you’re making stuff up, it’s all in your head, etc. My point is, it’s a combination of factors, mostly wanting to not be right this time. As I’ve gotten older, I try to remind myself that if I’ve got that feeling, it’s right and I need to just walk away. Not an easy lesson to learn, though. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/152 "2010-05-06T23:37:01Z")
**Neo-Calredic** , it occurs to me that I’m one of the people perpetuating what you might see as a derailment of a thread you started about YOUR specific circumstance. If so, I’m happy to start a new thread so that we can all snip at each other elsewhere. 🙂 Regardless, I continue to wish you the best of luck in your specific situation. ---
**Author:** ![This\_Just\_In\_2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@This\_Just\_In\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/This_Just_In_2)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/153 "2010-05-06T23:38:02Z")
> [@Creole\_Tomato](#): > > This brings me back to my original musing: is there anything you could find which would convince you there was NOTHING going on? I don’t think so. I think it’s more likely that if you don’t find any evidence, you figure “well, that wasn’t incriminating, but I still think there’s something going on. I’ll keep looking.” > > When you look for something long enough, you find it. I haven’t been in this situation - But it seems to me that if you suspect person A of sleeping with person B - and then you read a sample of their emails/messages and it is all innocent - why would this not alleviate your concerns completely? If all the two talk about is hockey scores, dogs, etc. and they sign off platonically to each other than a person might be pretty relieved and worry no further. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/154 "2010-05-06T23:39:48Z")
> [@This\_Just\_In\_2](#): > > I haven’t been in this situation - But it seems to me that if you suspect person A of sleeping with person B - and then you read a sample of their emails/messages and it is all innocent - why would this not alleviate your concerns completely? If all the two talk about is hockey scores, dogs, etc. and they sign off platonically to each other than a person might be pretty relieved and worry no further. Because whatever was nagging at you in the first place didn’t go away. And you might start questioning yourself again down the line. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/155 "2010-05-06T23:42:02Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > I think this is almost exactly what the underlying issue behind all this is. You sound like you’ve been through this before. Any suggestions on how I can help my girlfriend through this? I know it’s probably something she mostly has to figure out on her own, but I’ll do anything I can to make it easier for her. I haven’t been through it (yet, I’m moving to CA next year to be with a boyfriend. Eek), but if I were guessing I’d say one big thing might be being sure you are not making a big deal out of your feelings of responsibility or guilt. Just making it clear that you are a sympathetic ear but that you won’t rend your garments or wail about how it’s all your fault and otherwise make such a big deal out of the sacrifices that she feels like it’s too much of a burden to talk to you might make a huge difference. I know that I will find it very hard to share my feelings if my boyfriend acts like any complaint I have is ALLL HISSSS FAAAAAAULT! I’m not saying you do this, but if you do, cut it out! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/156 "2010-05-06T23:45:00Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > Because whatever was nagging at you in the first place didn’t go away. And you might start questioning yourself again down the line. I’m starting to think you don’t really want an honest explanation as to why people snoop, but rather, just want to argue about why they shouldn’t… ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/157 "2010-05-06T23:48:48Z")
I started [a thread on snooping](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=562270) so we could stop stomping on the OPs thread. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2010, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/158 "2010-05-06T23:49:47Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > I’m starting to think you don’t really want an honest explanation as to why people snoop, but rather, just want to argue about why they shouldn’t… I don’t fully understand why my last post makes you think that, but I’m not trying to be dishonest about my intentions. I _am_ trying to make arguments for why I think snooping is not appropriate between two equal partners – I thought that was obvious. But what makes you think I’m not interested in hearing from people on the other side of the issue? There are posts in this thread from people I like who have said they have snooped. I’m not trying to be disrespectful by disagreeing with you. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/159 "2010-05-07T00:10:43Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > If I _am_ doing something wrong, I hardly have the moral high ground now, do I? No, but that’s a whole 'nother kettle of fish. I don’t want a snooper because I have no intent of doing anything wrong. It doesn’t make sense for me to give a dating partner any permission to snoop on me, because that’s the same thing as saying that I might do something he needs to worry about. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444/160 "2010-05-07T01:00:28Z")
> [@Neo-Calredic](#): > > You sound like you’ve been through this before. Any suggestions on how I can help my girlfriend through this? I know it’s probably something she mostly has to figure out on her own, but I’ll do anything I can to make it easier for her. Yeah, except just to make things more fun for me, he was working 80 hours a week and I was trying to plan a wedding long-distance. And to be totally honest, the more he tried to help, the worse I felt–the only thing that makes you feel like more of a loser than not being able to find a job or friends is people noticing and feeling sorry for you because you can’t find a job or friends. I just needed to find something of my own, where I could meet people I actually connected with, and that just plain took time. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-talking-to-a-new-guy-friend-of-hers-online-should-i-worry/538444.md?page=9)