# Girlfriend made a new guy friend online and I don't like it... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 12, 2012, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662 "2012-05-12T00:58:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![FlyingRat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/59ef9b/32.png) [@FlyingRat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyingRat)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2012, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/21 "2012-05-14T16:57:14Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > If you want a mature relationship, pick a mature woman to have it with. If you date nineteen year olds who haven’t dated, expect them to grow and move on. > > It is NORMAL for people to want to try on different people. Yes, this, totally. If this (her growing and changing) is what is really going on, there’s nothing wrong or unexpected about it, and I don’t think there’s any blame to be assigned either. What she needs to be aware of, and (unfortunately) you’re in a position to help her realize, is that her behaviors do have consequences: as **casdave** said, flirting is fine, but lack of honesty (with oneself, as well as with others) is not OK. She may just be at the point where she’s learning to sort all of this out. It sounds like the kindest thing for both of you would be to have a heart-to-heart talk about it and then move on. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2012, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/22 "2012-05-14T18:10:25Z")
> [@Aussieboy88](#): > > I am worried that even if nothing will ever happen physically or emotionally between them, she is craving a lot of male attention outside of myself and willingly goes out to seek it. Something emotionally has already happened between them. It sounds like it bothers you, but at the same time it doesn’t sound like she’s hiding it from you…so that’s something. You might ask her why she’s more comfortable talking with him than you about things. She already recognizes your jealosy, but she thinks it’s cute. You need to be open with her about how you honestly feel and see if you two can respect each other’s needs. Best of luck. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2012, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/23 "2012-05-14T18:22:17Z")
Sounds like she has you pegged at less than zero, Mate, so, don’t bother asking/telling her anything about what she does. I wouldn’t be too sure about that ‘first’ business, either. (Speculation, on this…) Can’t see where you’re going to come out any kind of winner. While you’re thinking some more, ask yourself why is she doing this? Ask yourself “Why would I (yourself) be doing this?”, if you were to do it. The answer is: the old brush off is coming down the pike. Start shopping for another girl, while you can still flaunt this one. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2012, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/24 "2012-05-14T18:38:34Z")
Please, leave her. I’m pulling for you. ---
**Author:** ![Lionne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Lionne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lionne)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2012, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/25 "2012-05-14T21:00:06Z")
I whole-heartedly second what \*\*FlyingRat \*\*posted…I’ve been the girl in this scenario, albeit without the online relationship, and it’s just part of growing up and learning to behave in a mature manner. ---
**Author:** ![dngnb8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/977dab/32.png) [@dngnb8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dngnb8)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2012, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/26 "2012-05-14T21:14:49Z")
All I can say is DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER DANGER ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2012, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/27 "2012-05-15T00:19:11Z")
She’s not acting very respectfully towards you. In my opinion, the reason you’re not liking her behaviour is because she isn’t behaving very well, not because there’s something wrong with you. ETA: If she wants lots of attention from lots of guys, I’d free her up to go get it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2012, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/28 "2012-07-28T17:50:14Z")
I want an update! I want an update! I want an update! ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2012, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/29 "2012-07-28T18:39:06Z")
> [@Cicero](#): > > You’re 24 and she is what 19? > > **I’d be off like a robbers dog** - you know, about 50% of Australians have vaginas. Reading this thread was worth it just for this phrase. ---
**Author:** ![Aussieboy88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e274bd/32.png) [@Aussieboy88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aussieboy88)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2012, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/30 "2012-08-01T06:32:29Z")
Wow I totally forgot about this thread… If any of you were interested in knowing what happened here is an update. We are still together, I decided to go to her again and tell her straight how it made me feel and that I didn’t like what was going on… Told her she needed to stop it. And she said she would… It has been months since I wrote that post and she hasn’t gone back to him or any other guy at all… Don’t get me wrong she still has friends but it is clear to me that she is trying her best to make sure I am the most important, and only important male in her life. Sorry for disapointing the lot of you who didn’t think we would last, and for anyone who wanted a happy ending, this one is for you guys. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/31 "2012-08-15T21:20:05Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > You need to be open with her about how you honestly feel and see if you two can respect each other’s needs. Best of luck. > [@Aussieboy88](#): > > Told her she needed to stop it. And she said she would… It has been months since I wrote that post and she hasn’t gone back to him or any other guy at all… Don’t get me wrong she still has friends but it is clear to me that she is trying her best to make sure I am the most important, and only important male in her life. Congrats. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2012, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/32 "2012-08-16T03:05:39Z")
Congratulations on keeping your pimp hand strong, brother. ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2012, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/33 "2012-08-16T03:35:52Z")
On one hand, she was finding emotional solace in another man. On the other, he’s airing out their dirty bits on the SDMB. The two aren’t equal - just a thought. I’m glad things worked out in the best case scenario for you. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2012, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/34 "2012-08-16T03:41:31Z")
Congrats! I used to have a flirty friend online that my boyfriend was real wary of. I took it in stride, as I definitely wasn’t interested in the online thing, and didn’t realize until later just what a sneaky bastard this online ‘friend’ really was. My sweetie telling me just how much he didn’t like it opened up our relationship to more honesty, though, and that’s a good thing. Your girl might just have needed to have an adult show her what an adult relationship is really like, and actually require her to conform. Even if you guys don’t work out, she’s learned from you, so…congratulations 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2012, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/35 "2012-08-16T21:55:47Z")
> [@Aussieboy88](#): > > Wow I totally forgot about this thread… > If any of you were interested in knowing what happened here is an update. > We are still together, I decided to go to her again and tell her straight how it made me feel and that I didn’t like what was going on… > Told her she needed to stop it. And she said she would… It has been months since I wrote that post and she hasn’t gone back to him or any other guy at all… Don’t get me wrong she still has friends but it is clear to me that she is trying her best to make sure I am the most important, and only important male in her life. > Sorry for disapointing the lot of you who didn’t think we would last, and for anyone who wanted a happy ending, this one is for you guys. I’m really glad to hear that. So, are you taking her word for it, that she’s stopped messing around online, or are you checking? She could have gone one of two ways - stopped doing it when you talked to her, or kept doing it and hid it from you better. I’m a little bit suspicious that just asking her to stop behaviour that she was getting benefits from was effective. ---
**Author:** ![rogerbox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/76d3ee/32.png) [@rogerbox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rogerbox)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2012, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/36 "2012-08-16T22:04:12Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Congratulations on keeping your pimp hand strong, brother. This is probably the worst misuse of a turn of phrase I’ve ever seen on the SDMB. ---
**Author:** ![Aussieboy88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e274bd/32.png) [@Aussieboy88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aussieboy88)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2012, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/37 "2012-08-17T06:13:08Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I’m really glad to hear that. So, are you taking her word for it, that she’s stopped messing around online, or are you checking? She could have gone one of two ways - stopped doing it when you talked to her, or kept doing it and hid it from you better. I’m a little bit suspicious that just asking her to stop behaviour that she was getting benefits from was effective. She now speaks to him very little, when she does she tells me all about it, even gets me to read their conversations each time on all the mediums she used to chat with him… It is no longer unhealthy and I worry about it 0% now (: We really have learnt a lot from this and grown a lot stronger because of it as well. And to answer your question I have worked with her to achieve other things that can keep her busy, she is working more, spending more time with female friends and more time in her uni/college course. We didn’t just take this away and leave her with nothing to replace it, I know that would not have worked at all! ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2012, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/38 "2012-08-17T18:13:25Z")
I think many women genuinely want guy friends, but most of the time the guy is wanting to be more than just friends. Thus the flirty talk. ---
**Author:** ![Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e47c2d/32.png) [@Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hershele_Ostropoler)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2012, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/39 "2012-08-17T18:49:22Z")
> [@Aussieboy88](#): > > he is very flirtatious (she has shown me some of their comment threads in the past) and when I voice my concerns she always dismisses what I say and mention I am so cute when I am jealous. > > More recently however she has been talking to him most of the way through the night, putting off important things she needs to get done to speak with him, and has what seems like a greater desire to speak with him more and more, and move their conversations to video and voice. > > She tells me she is speaking with him less but I have been on her facebook, (which she knows I have access to) and I see just as many messages between them as ever… Whatever change in the relationship she’s looking for here, there are better ways to accomplish, i.e., with your active involvement. If this were an entrenched relationship I’d say find out what outcome she wants and work with her on that (or some approximation) without her doing it in this way. But after two years, especially if you’re not living together, just walk away. That said … > [@](#): > > She goes to him to talk about the few bumps or problems her and I are going through which I am not very happy about seeing she should be going to her close best friends with that, or better still come to me. Sometimes it helps to have an outside perspective on these things, though ideally from a supportive but neutral party. Which, after all, is what you’re seeking here. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2012, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662/40 "2012-08-17T19:34:10Z")
> [@Aussieboy88](#): > > Told her she needed to stop it. And she said she would… It has been months since I wrote that post and she hasn’t gone back to him or any other guy at all… Don’t get me wrong she still has friends but it is clear to me that she is trying her best to make sure I am the most important, and only important male in her life. > Sorry for disapointing the lot of you who didn’t think we would last, and for anyone who wanted a happy ending, this one is for you guys. I’m glad things are working out for you. The part that I wouldn’t stand for is where you want to be the only important male in her life. If my partner ever said that to me I’d tell him to fuck off. Gender is not a deciding factor in who is important in my life. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-made-a-new-guy-friend-online-and-i-dont-like-it/621662.md?page=1)