# Girlfriend visiting ex-boyfriend. Am I wrong for being irritated? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 5, 2006, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188 "2006-03-05T22:50:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/21 "2006-03-06T03:08:33Z")
My first love shows up at my parties. My husband invites him… My second love and I were best friends for a long time, but he married a woman who doens’t trust us (for no reason, I dumped him and I’m not exactly looking back) and I’ve lost a great friendship (we still see them in groups). If you are irritated, you are irratated. The questions are “why?,” “Is it rational?” and “What are you going to do about it?” The first two you have to answer for yourself. The third I can only say “you can’t control her actions, you can only control your own.” Don’t do the manipulative “if you see him, I’ll break up with you” stuff. If you can’t handle it say “I can’t handle it, we shouldn’t see each other anymore.” If you can handle it, don’t say anything. You always create situations in a relationship that require trust. Old boyfriends are just one risk (at least they are old boyfriends - there is a reason she is dating you and not him). Coworkers. Friends. Girl’s night out. Business trips. ---
**Author:** ![A.R.Cane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ee7513/32.png) [@A.R.Cane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/A.R.Cane)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/22 "2006-03-06T03:15:34Z")
My granny used to call that “Borrowing trouble”, worrying and making a fuss over what MIGHT happen. I hope you nay sayers are young, ‘cause if you’re mature adults, you sure have got some troubles ahead of you (and prolly’ behind), 'specially in the romance dept. ---
**Author:** ![Jayn\_Newell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jayn\_Newell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayn_Newell)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/23 "2006-03-06T03:16:35Z")
In the end, you’re the only one who can judge what’s goign on here, as your’e the only one who knows your GF. However, that said, I’m going to side with those who’re saying that seeing an ex=/= cheating on you. I can understand if my current BF got worried if I said I was going to see one of my exes (neither of whom I was all that close to, though one I did rather like at the time), but I’m over them now (unfortunately, one of them isn’t quite over me). I still talk to them on occasion, but there is nothing romantic going on at all, and I would hope that he would see that. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/24 "2006-03-06T03:29:14Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Part of trust is you don’t create situations that cause the other person to question that trust. Yeah, I can see it now… “Sorry boss, I can’t stay late. I might blow on of the janitors.” “Hey Andrew, I’ve known you since fifth grade. But I might be driven in to your arms, see ya!” “Yo brother. I know we have the same mom and stuff, but you really are just my type. I wouldn’t want t create a situation where my BF doesn’t trust me…” Girls have friends. Girls have male friends. Girls have male friends they’ve known longer and are closer to than you in some respects. Girls have friends who they may have at one time had a relationship. That doesn’t mean a girl is going to go down on them. If you are that worried about your girlfriend going out of control and giving blowjobs, why not just screw a real doll and make everyone happier? ---
**Author:** ![Caffeine.addict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@Caffeine.addict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caffeine.addict)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/25 "2006-03-06T03:32:54Z")
> [@Mr. Krebbs](#): > > I’ll be the first to admit that I am a fairly insecure person, and I’m prone to jealousy in a relationship. I understand this, I’m not proud of it, and I do my best to suppress and get over it. But yesterday my girlfriend (who is on a short vacation in Oregon) mentioned to me that she’ll will be visiting an ex-boyfriend (her “first love,” no less) while she is there. Of course, she phrased the statement “Don’t be upset, but I’m going to see Ray tomorrow.” And now I’m a little bit upset. My reaction depends on why she is in Oregon. Is she there to visit family and he still lives in town and they are meeting for lunch? If so, then no big deal. Did she make the trip out there for the sole purpose of visiting him? Then I’m a bit more suspicious. How did the break-up happen? ---
**Author:** ![EastCoastPearl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/aeb1de/32.png) [@EastCoastPearl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EastCoastPearl)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/26 "2006-03-06T03:59:54Z")
I dated a guy who had trust issues (let’s call him Tom). He told me he had trust issues. I tried to be accommodating and not do the things he would have issues with, but I really regret it now. I ended up treating a good friend (another ex, we’ll call Jack) like crap because Tom couldn’t deal with the fact that I was still friends with the guy. Luckily Jack was an understanding friend and cared enough about keeping me as a friend to not make an issue of it. I finally came to my senses and now Tom is history and Jack is still my friend. I’m getting married in a few months (to someone more wonderful and understanding than both of these guys put together) and even invited Jack to the wedding. There’s no way to know for sure what your girlfriend’s motives are with this ex, but if your trust issues aren’t based on specific experience where her behavior is concerned, it’s really not fair to her. In other words, don’t mistrust her unless she’s actually given you a good reason to. If Tom had actually trusted me from the beginning, and shown support for my existing friendships (regardless of whether or not those friendships were with exes, which is really irrelevant where I’m concerned) then we very possibly could still be together. Unfounded lack of trust from someone you care about can be a real slap in the face. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/27 "2006-03-06T05:13:18Z")
> [@even sven](#): > > Yeah, I can see it now… > “Sorry boss, I can’t stay late. I might blow on of the janitors.” > “Hey Andrew, I’ve known you since fifth grade. But I might be driven in to your arms, see ya!” > “Yo brother. I know we have the same mom and stuff, but you really are just my type. I wouldn’t want t create a situation where my BF doesn’t trust me…” Hey, I’m on the road on a trip. No one will know… Wow, you really understand me…not like that jealous boyfriend… (Your last scenario is just idiotic) Guess that never happens. > [@even sven](#): > > Girls have friends. Girls have male friends. Girls have male friends they’ve known longer and are closer to than you in some respects. Girls have friends who they may have at one time had a relationship. That doesn’t mean a girl is going to go down on them. Friends are not ex boyfriends. And its one thing to have guy friends who your SO gets to meet and get comfortible with. It’s quite another to go see some mysterious ex in another state no one has heard of. > [@even sven](#): > > If you are that worried about your girlfriend going out of control and giving blowjobs, why not just screw a real doll and make everyone happier? Don’t need to. My girlfriend doesn’t go on trips to see ex boyfriends. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/28 "2006-03-06T05:15:19Z")
> [@A.R. Cane](#): > > My granny used to call that “Borrowing trouble”, worrying and making a fuss over what MIGHT happen. > I hope you nay sayers are young, ‘cause if you’re mature adults, you sure have got some troubles ahead of you (and prolly’ behind), 'specially in the romance dept. I’ve had plenty of GFs that kept ongoing friendships with their ex’s. It’s never been a problem for me. However, I AM keen on spoting BS when I see it. The OP was very descriptive but when I hear words like “First love” and “Don’t be upset” It’s tells me that the OP’s GF is either obtuse when I comes to her BF’s feelings or she just doesn’t give a shit. Any reasonable woman could tell ya: Don’t refer to ex boyfriends that are still your _friend_ as “first love” I mean geez. You might as well refer to him as that guy who makes love like a Greek God and has a penis the size of a cucumber. :rolleyes: As far as that “Don’t be upset” part goes? Well, it could be that the OP is overly jealous but given in context to “first love” it just tells me that she’s feeling guilty for _something_ ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Krebbs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5fc32e/32.png) [@Mr.Krebbs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Krebbs)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/29 "2006-03-06T05:54:16Z")
I appreciate all the responses thus far. They have given me some food for thought, but I feel I should clear a few things up. My girlfriend is on a vacation to see family and friends. She called Ray to see him for lunch. She doesn’t constantly refer to him as her first love, but the phrase has come up when talking about people she once loved. She hasn’t seen or spoken to him in four years (ie, since she moved away from Oregon). I am not truly worried about her cheating on me. I don’t think it will happen. I trust my current girlfriend more than any of my previous ones. However, I guess I just agree with this > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **msmith537** > Part of trust is you don’t create situations that cause the other person to question that trust. I wouldn’t cause any tension on the relationship with the person I’m with for the sake of catching up with someone I’m not, so I don’t understand why she feels it’s necessary to do so. It’s not like he’s a friend in any meaningful sense. Neither am I forbidding her to see him, I’m just kind of pissed off about it. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/30 "2006-03-06T05:55:57Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > That’s freakin bullshit. Part of trust is you don’t create situations that cause the other person to question that trust. That is about the most tortuous logic i’ve ever heard. So, in your mind, in order for two people to trust one another, they should make sure that neither is ever in a situation where the need for trust becomes operative? That’s just screwy. Anyway, to the OP: unless she’s given you some specific reason not to trust her, or to think that she still harbors feelings for this guy, get over it. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Krebbs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5fc32e/32.png) [@Mr.Krebbs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Krebbs)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/31 "2006-03-06T06:23:43Z")
I think what **msmith537** means by that quote is that you don’t intentionally create those situations because you know that it will make life more difficult for the person who trusts you. For myself, and I suspect for anyone who is not completely naive, trust takes effort. Thus, I don’t want to do something that I know beforehand will inevitably raise questions in the mind of someone I want to trust me. ---
**Author:** ![EastCoastPearl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/aeb1de/32.png) [@EastCoastPearl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EastCoastPearl)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/32 "2006-03-06T07:17:36Z")
> [@Mr. Krebbs](#): > > I think what **msmith537** means by that quote is that you don’t intentionally create those situations because you know that it will make life more difficult for the person who trusts you. It seems to me that if the situation makes your life more difficult then you don’t really trust the other person. If you did, then it would be easy. If you don’t trust her, just try to understand why and make sure there’s a valid reason. If it’s just based on insecurity and not anything she’s actually done, then it’s really just all in your head. > [@Mr. Krebbs](#): > > For myself, and I suspect for anyone who is not completely naive, trust takes effort. Thus, I don’t want to do something that I know beforehand will inevitably raise questions in the mind of someone I want to trust me. I think trust is pretty effortless between two people who truly trust one another. I think it really only requires effort if one or both parties have shown themselves to be untrustworthy, in which case they have to earn the other person’s trust. Simply having lunch with an ex shouldn’t raise questions in the mind of someone who trusts you. Naturally it would raise questions if they don’t trust you, which is what it sounds like is happening here… in which case I reiterate the need to examine why you don’t trust your girlfriend. If she’s assuming you trust her (which should be a fair assumption in a healthy relationship), there’s should be no reason for her to be concerned about raising any questions in your mind about what her motives are. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/33 "2006-03-06T07:20:47Z")
> [@EastCoastPearl](#): > > It seems to me that if the situation makes your life more difficult then you don’t really trust the other person. If you did, then it would be easy. If you don’t trust her, just try to understand why and make sure there’s a valid reason. If it’s just based on insecurity and not anything she’s actually done, then it’s really just all in your head. Exactly. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/34 "2006-03-06T07:22:53Z")
Hey, **EastCoastPearl** , that’s two posts in this thread alone. If you’re not careful, you’ll reach a 1-post-per-month average pretty soon. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/35 "2006-03-06T08:04:45Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > That’s freakin bullshit. Part of trust is you don’t create situations that cause the other person to question that trust. IOW, you lose your freedom because your SO is insecure? Following this principle, you could as well stop seing any person of the opposite sex if your SO happens to be jealous. It seems we’re divided on this issue. I clearly fall in the “pro-ex” camp. One of my ex stayed at my place last week for some day and when she left on saturday, I went to a party thrown by another ex. Mind you, I’m currently single. But I wouldn’t have done anything differently if I were not. My exes have been part of my life, and some of them are still my friends. I’m not going to give up my friends, exes or not, on behalf of my SO. There’s no room for negociation about this. If my SO makes a big issue of this, _I_ might think twice about the relationship (\*). Someone who’s supposed to love and trust you isn’t supposed to try to control who you should see or not. That said, people are very different in the way they deal with their exes. Many wouldn’t ever want to see their exes again, so I assume they wouldn’t understand why others, like me, tend to stay in touch with theirs. And of course, it’s well known that exes are often a cause of temptation and cheating on your SO with an ex isn’t unheard of. But then, there are many other opportunities to cheat if you’re prone to this, and there’s no much you can do about it, barring entering in control mode, which is IMO a no-no and a relationship-killer. (\*) : when I think about it, the ex ho was visiting me last week, when we were together, once threw a major fit because the ex I visited on saturday was staying at my place and for all intent and purpose sabotaged this visit. And I reacted very badly. I think I rarely if ever have been been as angry during our whole relationship. Attempts at control, possessivity, jealousy, etc… aren’t my cup of tea. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/36 "2006-03-06T08:14:07Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Don’t need to. My girlfriend doesn’t go on trips to see ex boyfriends. I go on trips specifically to see ex girlfriends (well, one ex-girlfriend, anyway). What would you advise my hypothetical current gf to do in such a situation? ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/37 "2006-03-06T08:24:42Z")
> [@SHAKES](#): > > The OP was very descriptive but when I hear words like “First love” and “Don’t be upset” > > It’s tells me that the OP’s GF is either obtuse when I comes to her BF’s feelings or she just doesn’t give a shit. Well…we don’t know his gf, so he might be rightfully suspicious, but on the other hand, she knows him, and he freely admits to be insecure and prone to jealousy, so her hesitant behavior might be caused by her expectation that he will react poorly, rather than by guilt (and actually, she could feel guilty despite having zero intent to do anything nasty with her ex just because she knows the OP won’t like this situation). Of course, for all I know, she could intend to spend the week-end fucking her ex… But it’s a long way from being a given, as shown by the example of many posters in this thread who stay in touch with exes. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 8:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/38 "2006-03-06T08:42:52Z")
> [@Mr. Krebbs](#): > > I think what **msmith537** means by that quote is that you don’t intentionally create those situations because you know that it will make life more difficult for the person who trusts you. Well… If it makes life significantly more dificult for this person, then s/he doesn’t really trust you. > [@](#): > > For myself, and I suspect for anyone who is not completely naive, trust takes effort. I couldn’t disagree more. There’s one girl I’ve been with I didn’t trust. Yes, it took efforts, especially since it was a long-distance relationship. That’s why I know I didn’t trust her. It was weird. And not exactly pleasant. I felt jealousy, and it has been the only time in my life. I’m still wondering why it turned out this way (and about many other things regarding this relationship, actually. I still don’t know whether I loved her or not, for instance). But in my other experiences : no. Trust was effortless. It was completely natural. that’s what I felt for these persons. Now, maybe I was wrong and they were sleeping with anything with two legs (and actually sleeping with someone isn’t really the main issue for me, but though related, that’s another topic), but anyway, rightly or wrongly, I trusted them spontaneously and naturally didn’t double-guess their actions. > [@](#): > > Thus, I don’t want to do something that I know beforehand will inevitably raise questions in the mind of someone I want to trust me. As another poster said, it’s not trust if you avoid situations where precisely trust would be necessary. And once again, I disagree with “inevitably”. ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 8:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/39 "2006-03-06T08:52:08Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Seriously, am I the only guy here besides RickJay and SHAKES who’s like WTF? No kidding. I know a girl who went to visit her ex, and blew him with her then current boyfriends engagement ring on. Visiting ex’s is highly suspect, no matter what the deal is. ---
**Author:** ![Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bites_when_provoked/32/18073_2.png) [@Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bites_When_Provoked)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 9:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/40 "2006-03-06T09:41:26Z")
The only thing she said wrong was ‘Don’t be upset’. Frankly, it sounds more than a little bit game-playey. My guess is: she kind of likes it when you’re just a little bit jealous. I don’t think there’s anything at all to worry about; odds are she’s just out for the validation from you. I was good friends with my first boyfriend for years (my husband was quite perfectly okay with this, for the record). We’ve since lost touch; he got married to someone who couldn’t grasp that a person might value the friendship they’d had with their ex without wanting to hang onto the rest of the relationship. She made it so uncomfortable to try and catch up that we both stopped bothering. Our mutual best friends (a married couple) got the same treatment I did, and now he doesn’t see them either. It’s a horrible thing to happen to a genuinely nice person. I guess the fact that one of the best-friends couple was a _gasp_ WOMAN he’d been friendly with for 14 years or so was enough to set her off. After all, everyone knows that men and women can’t be platonic friends. :rolleyes: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188.md?page=3)