# Girlfriend visiting ex-boyfriend. Am I wrong for being irritated? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 5, 2006, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188 "2006-03-05T22:50:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/61 "2006-03-06T16:54:41Z")
A simple lunch…now dinner and a movie? ‘Seeing him again…now makes me realize how much I love you!!!’ Let me see…I go on a date with an ex 4 years gone by…make plans well in advance…This will help me realize how much I love my SO? Then, I yell at my SO when she gets upset, because I went to dinner AND A MOVIE?? Dinner and a movie isn’t being pals…(which they aren’t or they wouldn’t have let 4 years go by without speaking) it’s a date. I don’t think that this one can be ‘talked out’. ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/62 "2006-03-06T17:35:38Z")
Now I know that all of the Doper men here are different, and don’t conform to the normative pattern, but I do think that a fundamentally true general aspect of how men are is being overlooked here. Simply stated, in the vast majority of cases, men do not want to be “friends” with women. They usually want to fuck them. Again, I know that there are exceptions to the rule but, all things being equal, this is a pretty safe starting point. So, while her intentions may be noble and true (I have my doubts) I think that it is safe to say that he probably wants to fuck her and she is (naively?) putting herself in that situation. She should probably know better. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Krebbs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5fc32e/32.png) [@Mr.Krebbs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Krebbs)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/63 "2006-03-06T17:40:27Z")
**Binarydrone** , I agree with your post. But it’s _very_ important to note that my girlfriend contacted him, not vice versa. Which also drives me batshit. ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/64 "2006-03-06T17:57:46Z")
> [@Mr. Krebbs](#): > > **Binarydrone** , I agree with your post. But it’s _very_ important to note that my girlfriend contacted him, not vice versa. Which also drives me batshit. Man I don’t know. That seems even stranger to me. Why on earth would she do that? ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/65 "2006-03-06T17:58:14Z")
I’m bothered by her reaction when she called and told you she went to dinner and a movie instead of the lunch she had previously planned. Dinner and a movie does seem a lot more like a “date” than lunch. You didn’t say anything. You got quiet and she accuses you of being controlling? Sounds like 1) this girl has never dealt with anyone “controlling” and 2) she has some guilt issues. A person can’t help how they feel. They can only control how they react and respond to those feelings. Someone who yells at me and hangs up on me if I haven’t said anything is most likely not going to get the chance to do it again. Have you talked to her since she hung up on you? I think she owes you an apology for that. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/66 "2006-03-06T18:20:48Z")
> [@Snakescatlady](#): > > Have you talked to her since she hung up on you? I must have been reading too quickly, or missed a post, because i initially missed the phone call where she yells and hangs up on him. Having gone back now and seen that post, i think that you do have something to worry about here, even if it’s not infidelity. Because even if her meeting with this was completely innocent, she’s not showing you much consideration, and that’s a sign of potential problems even if there’s no infidelity involved at all. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/67 "2006-03-06T18:30:10Z")
> [@Troy McClure SF](#): > > My ex-girlfriend is still one of my good friends, and, quite honestly, if someone couldn’t handle me hanging out with her, well, it wouldn’t bode well for that relationship. One of the hardest things in my marriage sometimes has been that me and the various girlfriends I have had over the years are on very good terms to the point that some of them will even call me as sounding boards for various current relationship problems. Over all this is a highly individual problem. I also share the opinion that just about anyone under the right circumstances will cheat, its more a matter of the people anc circumstances. I have at least one ex-gf who if she called wanting to meet for lunch, would be messy. She liked me ALOT and probably still does, she came across me when I was dating alot of people and she kinda fell by the wayside despite great effort on her part to inspire me to stick around. If I was spending any significant time with her, it would be because I was having sex with her. I know from experience I could pretty much pull a booty call on this woman and not talk to her for weeks then do it again and she was thrilled to see me. Last I heard she has a live in bf, then again at the time i learned this she also told me she would be happier if it was me. This girl is an exception, the other 2-3 ex gf’s I speak to here and there are highly unlikely to want anything more than a friendly chat or a hand moving something heavy. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/68 "2006-03-06T19:27:46Z")
> [@Mr. Krebbs](#): > > Of course, she gets upset. She proceeds to yell at me and tell me I’m being immature, selfish and controlling (what?). Keep in mind that I do not yell. I do not like being yelled at (I got my fill of yelling in the Army), and as soon as she finishes (and I listened, I did not attempt to get a word in edge-wise) she hangs up the phone. I text her and tell her that when/if she’s ready, she can call me because I still want to talk to her. Not surprisingly, we didn’t talk again last night. This to me has a certain feel of “throwing herself on the sword”. Immediately percieving any hesitance on your part to approve of the circumstances of their evening into an attack on your part. This does not feel like a positive relationship sign. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Krebbs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5fc32e/32.png) [@Mr.Krebbs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Krebbs)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/69 "2006-03-06T19:28:02Z")
> [@Snakescatlady](#): > > Have you talked to her since she hung up on you? No, she didn’t answer the phone when I called this morning. She is at a friend’s house, so it’s a strong possibility that they might be out and about. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/70 "2006-03-06T19:58:24Z")
> [@Binarydrone](#): > > NowI know that all of the Doper men here are different, and don’t conform to the normative pattern, but I do think that a fundamentally true general aspect of how men are is being overlooked here. The problem is, judgeing by the sheer number of “how do I meet someone” and “should I be mad when my SO does this” threads, a lot of “Doper men” (and women) seem hopelessly naive when it comes to such things as dating and the opposite sex. I generally come across as the asshole because I suggest that there is an outside chance that someones girlfriend, who is flying halfway across the country to hang out with an ex boyfriend, might in fact be getting some cock. > [@clairobscur](#): > > I go on trips specifically to see ex girlfriends (well, one ex-girlfriend, anyway). What would you advise my hypothetical current gf to do in such a situation? Find a new boyfriend? First of all I can tell you your girlfriend will remain hypothetical if you plan on visiting your exes. No woman likes that shit. Secondly, why do you hang out with your ex girlfriends? > [@Mr. Krebbs](#): > > I wouldn’t cause any tension on the relationship with the person I’m with for the sake of catching up with someone I’m not, so I don’t understand why she feels it’s necessary to do so. It’s not like he’s a friend in any meaningful sense. Neither am I forbidding her to see him, I’m just kind of pissed off about it. BOOYA! That is what I am freakin’ talking about! I have girls I’m friends with too. Or at least whom I’m friendly with through friends, work or my GF or whoever. I don’t go out for drinks with just the two of us because at the very least it gives the PERCEPTION of impropriety. It’s not reasonible for me to hang out late at night with a pretty blond coworker who hangs on my arm in a friendly manner in front of my GF when she drinks. My GF would have every right to feel uncomfortible about it because everything about it looks suspicious even if it isn’t. If I need to hang out with this person, I can do it with a big group of us. There’s a reason your Spidey sense is tingling about this situation. You know those “he’s just not that into you” books? Well, she’s just not that into you IF SHE IS STILL GOING OUT OF HER WAY TO SEE HER EX BOYFRIEND. ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/71 "2006-03-06T20:56:06Z")
> [@Mr. Krebbs](#): > > No, she didn’t answer the phone when I called this morning. She is at a friend’s house, so it’s a strong possibility that they might be out and about. I would tend to suggest that you stop trying to call. This seems highly suspect to me, and a show of very bad faith. Obviously, I am not there and I am not you but I really get the vibe that she is not telling you something. To be blunt, it feels like you are the fall back “safe” guy and she is checking to see if things can still work between her and her “first love”. I would dump her. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/72 "2006-03-06T20:56:26Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > Anyway, to the OP: unless she’s given you some specific reason not to trust her, or to think that she still harbors feelings for this guy, get over it. You mean more specific than flying across the country to see an ex boyfriend? ---
**Author:** ![Neurotik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/91b2a8/32.png) [@Neurotik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neurotik)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/73 "2006-03-06T21:01:37Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > You mean more specific than flying across the country to see an ex boyfriend? While I agree that this chick is bad news and should probably be dumped, I don’t think that the purpose of the trip was actually to visit the ex. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/74 "2006-03-06T21:03:24Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > You mean more specific than flying across the country to see an ex boyfriend? Actually, wasn’t she flying to visit family, and figured, oh well, I’m there, might as well go and say hi to so and so? ---
**Author:** ![Keweenaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/da6949/32.png) [@Keweenaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Keweenaw)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/75 "2006-03-06T21:12:04Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > If he finds her behavior intolerable, then he shouldn’t be dating her. I couldn’t agree more. Just be glad you know what she really thinks of you before you got engaged or worse. ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/76 "2006-03-06T21:12:24Z")
You know, in re reading the OP I am struck by another aspect of this. I read it as she went, then called and pulled the “don’t freak out but I am going to go hang out with Guy Swingingdick”. You can’t tell me that she hadn’t planned to do this before she left. This whole thing smells very fishy to me. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_chao_goes_mu/32/3191_2.png) [@The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Chao_Goes_Mu)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/77 "2006-03-06T21:14:52Z")
Well, when I first started reading this thread the only thing I had a problem with was the GF’s wording. “Don’t be upset, I’m going to see Ray tomorrow.” Sigh. **Krebbs** is driven to defensiveness and gets upset. I would too, if my SO worded it that way. If I were going to see an ex, (FTR, I am good friends with an ex and my current partner is friends with one of her exes. We have had no issues with this) I would say, “Honey, I’d like to stop and say “Hi” to so and so while I’m in (city.)” Perhaps if I thought it was an issue I would come out and ask her if it bothered her. If it did, we’d talk about it. I’d reassure her. All would work out. At first I thought maybe your GF was just being dense, But as someone who’s been there, done that, too damn many times, I think it’s strange that your GF got defensive and attacked you. Once again, who’s on the defensive? You. My guess, she still has feelings, or curiousity about Ray, she needed to go firgure that out. She went and told you that she realizes how much she wants to be with you. That’s all fine and good but if she was having these doubts or concerns, why the hell did she not address them before she left? She sounds a a bit immature, mate and I’d be concerned about why she feels perfectly justified in making you look like an asshole because you are having issues with her rendezvous in spite of the fact that she is doing NOTHING to reassure you that it’s strictly a platonic (physically and emotionally) visit. ---
**Author:** ![Polerius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Polerius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polerius)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/78 "2006-03-06T22:46:14Z")
**BIG RED FLAG:** > [@Mr. Krebbs](#): > > her statement … “seeing Ray made me realize how in love I am with you” Why on earth would she say this? If I go visit a friend, I don’t call my wife and say: “Seeing Jill made me realize how in love I am with you”. **/BIG RED FLAG** ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2006, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/79 "2006-03-06T22:48:39Z")
I gotta chime in here that in light of the most recent discussion, I see red flags all over the place. One of the ways that people handle infidelity is to go into attack mode. They pick on every little imperfection about their current SO in order to rationalize WHY they are justified in dumping him/her. Then they pick fights so that they can slam the door (literally or figuratively) and into the arms of their lover. Seeing an ex is really not a big deal. However, freaking out because your current boyfriend PAUSED when you delivered the news that a friendly lunch has turned into dinner and a movie (as if it’s irrational of him to feel a bit insecure and jealous over such a thing), and then refusing to communicate further, suggests someone who is feeling…guilty. Quit texting her, quit calling her. For pete’s sake, she hung up on you and then went to dinner and a movie with her ex boyfriend. If she cared about you, SHE would be calling you. Don’t let her manipulate you into feeling like you’ve done anything wrong. You haven’t. It’s not okay to think you should control who she sees. It IS okay to feel pangs of jealousy or insecurity. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2006, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188/80 "2006-03-07T00:02:02Z")
Sounds to me like she’s setting things up so that when she ends up giving fellatio to this guy it will have been all your fault. And the whole, “Giving fellatio to my ex made me realize just how much I love you” line? Priceless. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-visiting-ex-boyfriend-am-i-wrong-for-being-irritated/347188.md?page=5)