# Girlfriend wants to move to US, thoughts? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 13, 2016, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655 "2016-05-13T04:28:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/21 "2016-05-13T13:30:10Z")
Off-season air fares booked a month or more in advance are nowhere near that expensive. You can get a RT ticket Dar to NYC and back on any date in October for $908. One way for $675. I’m flying one way from Addis Ababa to Houston in September for $702, on Emirates Airlines. Just do a search at [https://matrix.itasoftware.com/](https://matrix.itasoftware.com/) As for the e-mails getting “lost”, look in your mailbox Spam file, see if Gmail is redircting it as from a suspicious sender. ---
**Author:** ![Ramira](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ramira/32/344_2.png) [@Ramira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ramira)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/22 "2016-05-13T13:31:46Z")
> [@T-Minus](#): > > Yes, I know her very well, … > [@T-Minus](#): > > Well, we met in some chat room November of last year. … No I am afraid you do not. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Ace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/6bbea6/32.png) [@Johnny\_Ace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Ace)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/23 "2016-05-13T13:37:54Z")
Sorry, but this has ‘scam’ written all over it. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/24 "2016-05-13T13:44:38Z")
I am not usually cynical, but this does not smell good to me. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/25 "2016-05-13T13:48:04Z")
As others have said, I’m strongly suspicious that she’s a scammer. In fact, based on all you’ve said, I’d be shocked if she WASN’T a scammer. Tons of times I’ve gotten messages from attractive women with good educations on various online dating sites and after a few messages happen to mention they’re in Ghana or Tanzania or Nigeria (odd it’s always in Africa, eh?). That’s an immediate sign that the person is a scammer. Several times, just for shits and giggles usually, I’ve carried on the conversation to see if I could figure out what their end game was, and it wasn’t long before they were asking for money, sometimes enough to buy a cell phone so we could chat (odd she can access the internet but can’t make a phone call, eh?), or for medical expenses for her mom, or for a plane ticket to come see me. > [@T-Minus](#): > > Well, we met in some chat room November of last year. We fell instantly in love and have been talking to each other almost everyday. We never actually met in person, this year I was originally going to first meet her around Christmas. I was under the impression that she was going to finish her masters over there. Then I learned she just needs to write her thesis and send it in. As others said, first red flag. If you were supposed to meet once already and it didn’t happen, that’s bad. She’s in another country, and it’s difficult to plan, so it’s not like she’d just happen to forget about her Master’s thesis at the last minute. And even if she did, if she REALLY wanted to meet you, she would have found a way to make it happen after she finished > [@](#): > > So instead of just visiting, we agreed we wanted to live together and start our own family. Excited at the idea of my own family with her, I had no problems with it. Second red flag. This is NOT normal. You’ve known her for 6 or 7 months, never met in person, and she wants to move to another country and start a family. Even in the best case scenario where she’s completely legit in who she says she is, this should still be raising a red flag about why a woman would be willing to make such a drastic change in these circumstances, especially if she is as well educated as she claims to be. > [@](#): > > We regularly talk on webcam so I know she says who she says she is. No, you know that she looks like she claims she looks like. That doesn’t prove she’s in Tanzania, it doesn’t prove she is who she says she is. This is very common for scammers from what I’ve read about catfishers because a lot of men will take seeing someone as sufficient proof along with their feelings, especially if she’s attractive. I have a few questions for you to figure out if she’s legit. First, and most obviously, does she look like and have an accent that’s appropriate for someone from Tanzania? If yes, fair enough, if not MASSIVE red flag. Using the examples from what I’d personally seen, most of those scammers that claimed to be in Africa were white and claimed to be originally from the US. Yes, it happens that white people live in other countries, but it’s not exactly common, and with imperfect English. Another question, do you ever get to see a window or anything outdoors while talking to her? If she’s really in Tanzania and you’re in the US, chances are it will be a very different time of day. I’m in EDT right now, and Tanzania is 7 hours ahead, if you’re farther west, it’d be even more. So if you’re talking to her in the day, it ought to be dark there, and vice versa. What sort of stuff do you all talk about? How long do you all talk? From playing along with the random scammers I’d run into, some were really easy to spot because it seemed like they had some kind of script, blabbing about how much they really liked me and couldn’t wait to meet and yadda yadda. Others were better, but still clearly would redirect the conversations away from things that could make it difficult for their story to stay consistent, or if they didn’t, inconsistencies would still arise. Have you learned a lot about her family? What about events that happened in her childhood? How much detail do you learn about her daily life? What do you know about her beliefs, dreams, thoughts, etc.? Since you talk regularly on webcam, has she brought around any of her friends or family to talk to you? Certainly if she’s planning to move to another country to be with you, her friends and family would have interest. The key thing is, if you’re noticing any sort of inconsistencies in this sort of stuff, don’t just explain it away, which is easy to do when you’re emotionally attached, realize that it’s evidence she’s probably not who she says she is. You can even easily test this sort of thing by “misremembering” certain things in small ways and seeing if she goes along or corrects you. Start asking her about things that someone ought to know, particularly based on whatever her Master’s thesis is in. Another approach is, have you actually Googled her? Look up her name and see what kinds of hits she has. Do Google image searches on the first pictures she sent you. See if she has social media accounts and see what kinds of posts she’s made, how many and what kinds of friends/followers she has. Several of the scammers I played with were just lazy and used images from other people’s social media and it was immediately clear because basic stuff like how old they are or where she was didn’t match. If she’s a smart scammer, and presumably she’s better than average if she is since she’s doing web cam and all, she probably either doesn’t have any or if she does they’re consistent, but you’ll still see some discrepancies in that the accounts are fairly recent or have only a few posts or only a few friends. It’s hard to have dozens or hundreds of friends or followers that make sense for a fake person. > [@](#): > > When I looked online, I found airline prices to be around 2,500 dollars for where I live. I will check out Disney and those places you mentioned. Do NOT send her money, for any reason. With all the evidence here, again, I’d be shocked if she wasn’t a scammer. And just for the sake of completion, even in the off chance she isn’t a scammer, I’d still recommend not pursuing it. There’s so many complications in dealing with immigration and different cultures and her being away from her family. My ex-fiancee I met in grad school had been here for a long time, and she was even from Europe, and we still had some clashes related to cultural differences, her immigration status (changing from student to work visa) and her missing her family. I imagine it would be even worse for someone that was brand new here and from a place even more different culturally. And she could still be completely serious and come over and then just get homesick or find out that you two don’t get along as well in person or whatever. A hard lesson for the hopeless romantic is that whomever he falls for not only isn’t the only person in the world for him but considering how many people we meet, is unlikely to be “the one” anyway. Even if she’s amazing, with all the barriers set up between the two of you, there’s probably someone equally as awesome, maybe even moreso, with fewer barriers. I get how strong those feelings can be, but you can’t let yourself be so overwhelmed that you ignore practical realities. And, again, I will repeat because it’s worth repeating. This is almost certainly a scammer, so all of that is just a consideration for the slim best-case scenario that she isn’t, which still isn’t bright. Please, for your sake, just break it off. ---
**Author:** ![Ramira](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ramira/32/344_2.png) [@Ramira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ramira)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/26 "2016-05-13T14:09:09Z")
> [@nicole1912](#): > > I would strongly suggest you go and stay with her (or she comes to stay with you, if visas allow) for a week or two before you even think about any more long-term move. Yes this is agreed with. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/27 "2016-05-13T14:48:33Z")
> [@T-Minus](#): > > We regularly talk on webcam so I know she says who she says she is. Potentially, she’s talking on the webcam to five other guys and asking them all for $2,500 so she can live with them as well. You know there’s a woman you’re talking to – you don’t know that she’s being honest. ---
**Author:** ![T-Minus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c77e96/32.png) [@T-Minus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/T-Minus)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/28 "2016-05-13T20:04:59Z")
We are thinking about visiting each other here for a long while if this doesn’t work out. Maybe a 6 month visit if it’s allowed, which would be great since it would give us an idea of what it would be like to live with each other. Going to see how cheap it is to pick her up from the east coast via car. I live on the west side of the country without getting too specfic . ---
**Author:** ![NAF1138](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/naf1138/32/3245_2.png) [@NAF1138](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NAF1138)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/29 "2016-05-13T20:18:01Z")
> [@T-Minus](#): > > We are thinking about visiting each other here for a long while if this doesn’t work out. Maybe a 6 month visit if it’s allowed, which would be great since it would give us an idea of what it would be like to live with each other. Going to see how cheap it is to pick her up from the east coast via car. I live on the west side of the country without getting too specfic . I probably shouldn’t wade in but… Out of curiosity, how old are you? Have you ever had a serious girlfriend before? Have you ever lived with someone else you were romantically involved with? Someone you weren’t? ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/30 "2016-05-13T20:19:03Z")
What’s the difference in your ages? Don’t send the money to her to buy the ticket. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/31 "2016-05-13T20:22:07Z")
You can fly from Dar-es-Salaam to LAX and back for $1540, to SFO and back for $1800, to DEN and back for $1750. Flying across the country is cheaper, easier, and much safer than driving. Why on earth would you pick her up on the other side of the country? It would be every bit as silly as her driving from Tanzania to Pretoria to catch her flight here. If she loves you she’ll fly the extra four hours. ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/32 "2016-05-13T20:34:03Z")
Why wouldn’t she just fly straight to the west coast? We have airports here. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/33 "2016-05-13T20:37:04Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Do you know her (well) or is this some girl that’s asking you to wire her $7500? > > Cynical, I know, but it’s pretty common. But Joey, [that never happens](https://www.westernunion.com/us/en/fraudawareness/fraud-awareness-videos.html)… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/34 "2016-05-13T20:38:43Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > You can fly from Dar-es-Salaam to LAX and back for $1540, to SFO and back for $1800, to DEN and back for $1750. Flying across the country is cheaper, easier, and much safer than driving. Why on earth would you pick her up on the other side of the country? It would be every bit as silly as her driving from Tanzania to Pretoria to catch her flight here. If she loves you she’ll fly the extra four hours. Worse. Dar is only 1,500 miles from Pretoria. OP: How old are you? What do you do for a living? ---
**Author:** ![velomont](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/8491ac/32.png) [@velomont](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velomont)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/35 "2016-05-13T21:32:42Z")
This doesn’t sound like a wise idea at all. At the risk of sounding condescending, “falling instantly in love” the very first time you spoke, online no less, just sounds really naive to me. You truly no nothing about this person, from a critical information point of view. This is a really major life decision and even if it’s not a scam, I personally wouldn’t do a first visit longer than a week. During just a one week visit either of you could discover things about each other that you can’t stand (or not). But let that one week visit be your decision point for a future visit so that you can be exposed to each other in different circumstances. Full disclosure - I have a very hard time with “our eyes met and I knew she was the one” or any other love-at-first-sight scenario. Please be careful. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2016, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/36 "2016-05-13T21:59:44Z")
Do you get a vacation where you work? Wait til after the summer season, and just go there. In September, RT fares are $900 from Chicago, a visa will be issued to you when you arrive at the airport for $100. No trouble finding a backpacker hotel for $10 a night, and delicious wholesome Tanzanian meals for a couple of bucks. Say $20 a day, 14 days, you can go there yourself for a total all inclusive of $1300. Plan on taking a vacation in a beautiful exotic country where everyone speaks English. Tell her you’re coming. See if she starts thinking of lots of excuses. When you get there, get in touch with her. If she is real and shows up, you have the adventure of a lifetime, with a lovely companion to show you around Even if she’s a scammer, she’s probably still a nice person, so enjoy her company. She needs a vacation, too… If she doesn’t, you still have the adventure of a lifetime. And a giant step up the learning curve, in more ways than one. Tell her you’re coming before you buy the ticket. See what she says. ---
**Author:** ![T-Minus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c77e96/32.png) [@T-Minus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/T-Minus)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2016, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/37 "2016-05-14T02:43:01Z")
I am 26 and she is 28 so there is no real age difference. I have been in previous long distance relationships before, 95 percent of them were online. One lasted for 4 years before ending up in a train wreck, she had no intrest in moving with me even when offering the money. I am super excited about this since this seems like it’s actually going somewhere. I have always intended to be serious from the beginning. I am currently self studying for a certification in networking. I am aware I need to find a job in order to be able to support her. The reason we planned on marrying so early is because it could take years in order to get the visa we want. ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2016, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/38 "2016-05-14T03:20:20Z")
You remind me of this old song from the 70’s [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nD3FmNxACqM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nD3FmNxACqM) You’re not going to like what I have to say- but I don’t give a shit one way or the other. What you have is one step above an imaginary relationship. It’s not real, it’s all fantasy and being in love with being in love. You are young, and by your own admission most of your relationships have been online. They are not _REAL_, it’s fantasy, and so very easy, and so very safe. You get to feel in love, but you don’t have to deal with the realities of a _REAL_ relationship. Instead of worrying about bringing this other person to the US, you need to be figuring out why you are _avoiding_ real relationships. I know people who have wasted years of their lives being in love with pixels on a screen, or a voice on the phone. Most of the time, while they are being faithful and waiting, the other person is married, or playing a game and have multiple ‘lovers’ they are stringing along. I know someone who wasted 14 years on a fantasy, only to be coldly dumped. Another woman who left her husband and family, only to find out it was all just a game to the other person. Watch the ID channel, people have gotten killed over these fantasy relationships. You do NOT know this woman, you only know what she projects and your imagination fills in the missing pieces. You are too fucking young to be wasting your life this way. Or, hell, it’s your life, waste it anyway you want. Be very sure though, you _ARE_ wasting your life. Nothing wrong with a little fantasy, or having an online ‘friend’. But when you are letting that become your reality, and it keeps you from seeking out a real relationship, then you really need to think about what you are doing and why. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2016, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/39 "2016-05-14T03:34:10Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > Do you get a vacation where you work? Wait til after the summer season, and just go there. In September, RT fares are $900 from Chicago, a visa will be issued to you when you arrive at the airport for $100. No trouble finding a backpacker hotel for $10 a night, and delicious wholesome Tanzanian meals for a couple of bucks. Say $20 a day, 14 days, you can go there yourself for a total all inclusive of $1300. Plan on taking a vacation in a beautiful exotic country where everyone speaks English. > > Tell her you’re coming. See if she starts thinking of lots of excuses. When you get there, get in touch with her. If she is real and shows up, you have the adventure of a lifetime, with a lovely companion to show you around Even if she’s a scammer, she’s probably still a nice person, so enjoy her company. She needs a vacation, too… If she doesn’t, you still have the adventure of a lifetime. And a giant step up the learning curve, in more ways than one. > > Tell her you’re coming before you buy the ticket. See what she says. Best advice you’ll ever get. If you’re thinking about getting married and starting a family, I’d start with making sure that you have a job and a career. I you’re worried about $1500 to fly to Tanzania, meet her, the family, get a little face time, a tiny understanding of her culture, then you’re not ready to get married. I’m married to someone born and raised in Mainland China, speak Chinese, lived in China for 20 years, and we still hve tons of cultural issues that pop up. Jus’ sayin’ ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2016, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655/40 "2016-05-14T05:16:14Z")
I’m going to have to agree with the other posters here that something seems extremely off about this whole thing. For what it’s worth, many years ago I worked with an older gentleman who had been embittered by a nasty separation some years previously and was subsequently very lonely and unhappy. One day he came into work in an unusually good mood - it turned out he wasn’t useless and unlovable as he thought, as there was a lovely Russian woman that had emailed him having allegedly seen his profile on a dating website and wanted to get to know him better! Eyebrows went up, but he was happy so we left him to it. Then, a bit later, he started talking about how she wanted to come to Australia and had sent him a picture - and she was improbably hot; as in, glamour model, mid-20s hot. It was, simply, impossible that anyone that good looking would be interested in our colleague for any non-financial reason and we warned him that the combination of “Russian internet girlfriend”, “hot picture” and “older divorced guy” was not adding up to to anything good for him, but he didn’t listen - basically said we were trying to stop him being happy and we wouldn’t understand etcetera. So, I went online and did some research, and sure enough, it was the hallmark of a scam - the next step would be to say she wanted to come and visit, but she needed some money for the flights etc. Following that, there’d be some complication - she’d decide she had to travel to Moscow, which she’d need money for, and then there’d be a “visa problem” or her passport would need to be replaced urgently or something like that, and that would cost a silly amount of money. Then there’d be a corrupt official needing bribes, or some sort of processing fee, then there’d be a request for money to pay bills to make sure her grandmother didn’t freeze and starve to death while she was away - you get the idea. Sure enough, that’s what happened, and while my colleagues and I were able to intervene before he wired any money or did anything silly, for a long time afterwards he was vaguely resentful that maybe she _was_ the real deal and we’d all plotted to make him unhappy again, because of [reasons]. Basically, to his mind, it was completely logical that an extremely attractive woman from the other side of the planet would email him out of the blue and want to meet him in a fairly short space of time, whereas the idea that he was being set up was clearly some sort of plot by Buzz Killington And Co to make his shitty life worse. So, without knowing the OP or his circumstances beyond what he’s described here, I’m getting the same alarm bells as I was with my colleague all those years ago - something doesn’t sound right at all and I think you should re-read the points made by other posters in this thread very, very carefully. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriend-wants-to-move-to-us-thoughts/754655.md?page=3)