# Girlfriends and porn **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 24, 2010, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398 "2010-06-24T19:31:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/21 "2010-06-24T20:40:18Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > So, you’d rather hang on to a stash of porn than have a real, live girlfriend who is “smart, attractive, kind and adventurous both in and out of the bedroom”? Can’t it be both? ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/22 "2010-06-24T20:41:44Z")
> [@control-z](#): > > Giraffe, I’d like not to talk about it any more, but I don’t think “Don’t ask, don’t tell” is going to work with this matter. It may not work no matter what, but the only way it will have a chance to work is if it’s a statement, not a suggestion. But however you end up handling it, there’s going to come a point where she needs to decide if wants to be with you as you are, or go try to find someone else (who will also look at porn). Good luck to you – dealing with other people’s insecurities sucks. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/23 "2010-06-24T20:49:46Z")
\*\*Dan Savage \*\*would likely recommend #2 if there’s no chance of her coming around and you want to keep the relationship going. In fact, here’s [his reply](http://www.nerve.com/advice/2009/09/16/savage-love-why-does-my-boyfriend-need-porn-when-he-has-me) to a question from the other side - a girl complaining about her boyfriend’s porn. Here’s the gist: > [@](#): > > The usual \*porn de la concorde \*— the only porn compromise that works — goes like this: he pretends not to look at porn, out of consideration for your feelings, and you pretend to believe him, out of consideration for his. ---
**Author:** ![Carmady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f04885/32.png) [@Carmady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carmady)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/24 "2010-06-24T21:05:14Z")
I agree with the Dan Savage advice. Personally, I would probably have already been scared away by a woman who thinks naked pics are “cheating” and claims never to have sexual thoughts about anyone else. But if for some reason I really wanted the relationship to work, I would continue to make the porn folder on the computer invisible, and continue to give her the chance to pretend it wasn’t there. ---
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/25 "2010-06-24T21:29:46Z")
How old is she? Does she understand that most men (and lots of women) enjoy porn time to time? ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/26 "2010-06-24T21:52:28Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > Keeps her up at night? Why? Does she think you’re up all night, getting contact info for the porn stars, and initiating wild affairs with them IRL? > > “Keeps her up at night worrying” is really dramatic. I’d dump her. And I say this as a chick. > For the record, all my exes have watched porn (as do most men, women, and inbetween, I think) and the only time I even brought it up was when I found “Mom’s Anal Adventures Parts 1-4” on my ex’s computer, then a bunch of GILF porn :eek:. It was basically just me laughing hysterically and going, “REALLY? FUCKING REALLY?” I’m a supportive girlfriend. 😃 Another chick who thinks OP’s GF is being a huge drama-llama about this. Women who pull this “looking at porn is _cheating!!_” horseshit give the rest of us women a bad name. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/27 "2010-06-24T21:59:35Z")
This is why mixed-gender relationships never work. ---
**Author:** ![Lightnin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightnin/32/180_2.png) [@Lightnin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightnin)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/28 "2010-06-24T21:59:45Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > So, who is initiating all these conversations? **Why does it keep coming up?** _snicker_ ---
**Author:** ![JR\_Brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JR\_Brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JR_Brown)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/29 "2010-06-24T22:20:07Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > you’re looking because you’re a guy and that’s one of the major ways guys are fundamentally different sexually from women. Bulltwaddle. Girls like porn too. The issue is that a) girl-porn is usually rather different from guy-porn, and b) a lot of guy-porn is offensive and/or scary to us girls (not that the converse doesn’t also hold sometimes). **control-z** , has she told you _why specifically_ she’s so upset about it? ---
**Author:** ![marshmallow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@marshmallow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marshmallow)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/30 "2010-06-24T22:28:50Z")
Whatever you do, don’t pretend like you’re not doing it. That’s one way to fail this shit test. Don’t disrespect her by any means. But if the subject comes up again tell her in no uncertain terms that you aren’t budging on this. Then quickly redirect your attentions to her and then joke about how she’s your little slut anyway – or something corny like that to transition out of the curt line in the sand. If you have enough charisma that won’t be too hard. If not…well, that will be difficult, but don’t give in. Fail one shit test, she’ll find more to test your resolve. And the benefit of this is that it’s about sex, so it’s an easy transition to fun happy time. Easier than the next made up test, anyway. > [@Anaamika](#): > > Women watch porn too, you know. And some men like to wear dresses. > [@](#): > > How old is she, anyway, that she won’t admit to masturbation or sexual thoughts? I see red flags… Thing is, she’s probably telling the truth. Now imagine her attitude towards sex in another 10 years. ---
**Author:** ![Like\_Fry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@Like\_Fry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Like_Fry)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/31 "2010-06-24T22:42:40Z")
When I started dating my GF I deleted all the porn from my pc. When she found out she was bummed. Wish I had known she wanted to see it. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/32 "2010-06-24T22:44:50Z")
> [@JR\_Brown](#): > > Bulltwaddle. Girls like porn too. The issue is that a) girl-porn is usually rather different from guy-porn, and b) a lot of guy-porn is offensive and/or scary to us girls (not that the converse doesn’t also hold sometimes). I didn’t say that no women anywhere like porn. Though I will assert now that far fewer women like visual porn, and those that do like it far less than most men, which is evidence of the fundamental difference in sexual wiring between men and women. In any case, it’s pretty clear that the OP’s girlfriend doesn’t like porn, and is having a hard time understanding why the OP would look at it. I think part of the problem is that she needs to accept male sexuality as it is, and not project her own experience onto it – actions like masturbating to an attractive naked person that mean one thing to her mean something entirely different to the OP. Or, more accurately, don’t mean anything at all to the OP. ---
**Author:** ![Trafalgar\_Laura](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trafalgar_laura/32/2907_2.png) [@Trafalgar\_Laura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trafalgar_Laura)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/33 "2010-06-24T22:45:47Z")
Just another woman supporting the whole “lots and lots of women like porn in various forms,” and I think a person’s sexual fantasies are just that. So long as a guy (or girl) isn’t using porn to replace the actual affection to their SO in a relationship, or trying to get their SO to look at porn that makes them uncomfortable, I don’t think it’s a sign of a relationship problem at all. Having to lie about it just means more relationship trouble down the road. Some little lies might be needed for a relationship to work, but this is too easy to be found out and might result in more drama than just whacking off on occasion in private and going for a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy of ignoring the subject. Personally, I have no problem with it. I’d find it odd if I found out a partner didn’t like any sort of porn (including written or drawn.) Sexual fantasies are a part of life, but they’re just fantasy. ETA: I’m chiming in on “some women like porn” as a reason not to see it as a gender war, not just because of **Giraffe** ’s comment. I do agree most women prefer porn that isn’t film or photos, though drawings are pretty popular with a lot of women I know now. More women are becoming aware that they’ve liked porn for years and just haven’t called it that, too. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/34 "2010-06-24T22:47:14Z")
I told all my girlfriends to grow up or get out. ---
**Author:** ![JR\_Brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JR\_Brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JR_Brown)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/35 "2010-06-24T23:02:19Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > I didn’t say that no women anywhere like porn. Though I will assert now that far fewer women like visual porn, and those that do like it far less than most men, which is evidence of the fundamental difference in sexual wiring between men and women. I think women are less likely to use “visual porn” because of 1. cultural conditioning (good girls don’t, blah blah blah), and 2. the vast majority of visual porn is geared to men and is boring or icky to lots of (maybe most) women. When you take women who “don’t like porn” and show them porn _geared to women_, a substantial fraction revise said opinion after due investigation. I don’t think there’s **anything** to do with “sexual wiring” affecting women’s interest in visual erotic stimuli, although there may well be a biological effect on what types of stimuli/context work best. ---
**Author:** ![thirdwarning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecccb3/32.png) [@thirdwarning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdwarning)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/36 "2010-06-24T23:09:13Z")
> [@marshmallow](#): > > . > Thing is, she’s probably telling the truth. Now imagine her attitude towards sex in another 10 years. Probably a lot like mine. Imaginative, fairly open, and quite active, thank you, but only with my husband. So don’t assume things. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/37 "2010-06-24T23:13:11Z")
> [@thirdwarning](#): > > Take #2 off the table before you do anything else. You can’t even consider that one if you’re going to have any kind of relationship. Whether the two of you can work out a compromise about the porn, starting out by deciding to lie to her is just not going to work. Dan Savage would disagree with you. Over the years, [this](http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=2242760) is the advice he’s given to dozens of men and women about the issue of porn: > [@](#): > > The usual _porn de la concorde_—the only porn compromise that works—goes like this: He pretends not to look at porn, out of consideration for your feelings, and you pretend to believe him, out of consideration for his. And [here’s](http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=15715) some more specific advice: > [@](#): > > That’s why the best advice for straight women is this: GET OVER IT. If you don’t want to be with someone who looks at porn–if you can’t handle it, AG–get a woman, get a dog, or get a blind guy. I’m sorry if you think that’s insensitive–no, wait: I’m not sorry. I sincerely believe that “Get over it” is the best possible advice for women bothered by porn. While men shouldn’t rub their female partners’ noses in the fact that they look at porn–that’s just inconsiderate–telling women that the porn “problem” can be resolved though good communication, couples counseling, or a chat with your pastor is neither helpful nor realistic. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/38 "2010-06-24T23:24:38Z")
> [@JR\_Brown](#): > > I don’t think there’s **anything** to do with “sexual wiring” affecting women’s interest in visual erotic stimuli, although there may well be a biological effect on what types of stimuli/context work best. I disagree with you completely, but we should probably discuss it in a separate thread. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/39 "2010-06-24T23:25:47Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > I didn’t say that no women anywhere like porn. Though I will assert now that far fewer women like visual porn, and those that do like it far less than most men, which is evidence of the fundamental difference in sexual wiring between men and women. Actually, there is little scientific evidence for this, and the difference may be due more to cultural differences than biological differences. I don’t like most porn, as the majority of it is made for straight males and typically contains elements that don’t appeal to me. If I hadn’t come across porn that does appeal to me, I might’ve continued my dislike of it. I suggest sitting down with her and having a talk about what exactly she objects to with porn and what she does find sexually attractive. You might be able to find some porn that the two of you can enjoy together. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/40 "2010-06-24T23:32:05Z")
I’ve not had a boyfriend who was much into porn, except the first one, he was nicking mags from the top shelf from the age of 14. It was a bit disconcerting, not his looking at porn, but the kind of stuff - also I was very young. Some women don’t wank - not sure why not, but there it is. If I found myself up all night worrying about my boyfriends porn, I’d get out of there. If I were you mate, I’d go for number three - if she can’t take it, she should just bail. It’s ridiculous to try to change your habits like this, she’s being unreasonable so maybe she should find someone else. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398.md?page=3)