# Girlfriends and porn **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 24, 2010, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398 "2010-06-24T19:31:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/161 "2010-06-30T14:28:12Z")
> [@Lobohan](#): > > As for distributing videos in the intarweb, I would still have a problem with that, in that my perfectly natural sense of jealously doesn’t like the idea of other dudes beating it to my wife. Oh, so _your_ sense of jealousy is perfectly natural, but _her_ sense of jealousy is stupid and immature and she should get over it. Yeah, no double standard there at all. > [@](#): > > I would again have a problem with my wife appearing on distributed porn, even solo, because I’m in a relationship with her, and my monkey-brain finds that scarcity increases value. If every Thom’s Hairy Dick is squirting to her, it makes me want to hurl a spear at a Buffalo. And that is _exactly_ the way women who are opposed to their partners look at the issue. We have monkey-brains too, you know, and spurting to other women not only reduces the scarcity (and thus the value) of your sexual response to us, it introduces competition for a share of that buffalo you’re supposed to be out spearing. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/162 "2010-06-30T14:47:19Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > You think she was enthused about that movie when she fucked the dog? She clearly wasn’t enthused ABOUT the movie. And I haven’t seen it, unfortunately, so I can’t express a definite opinion about how she looked to the viewer. But I’m willing to bet that she looked enthused during the movie, because isn’t that the point? ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/163 "2010-06-30T14:48:34Z")
> [@BrandonR](#): > > There are two kinds of guys: men who openly admit to looking at pornography to their SO, and those who say they don’t and keep it a secret. Ahem. Bullshit. ---
**Author:** ![aceplace57](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aceplace57/32/3500_2.png) [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/164 "2010-06-30T15:04:12Z")
porn can create awkward situations with girlfriends. It’s never fun getting caught pulling your pud. Squeaks the gf out. Now if a guy catches his gf fingering and playing, 😉 It’s still awkward. Because she’s all flustered and embarrassed. girls are funny that way. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/165 "2010-06-30T16:00:46Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Oh, so _your_ sense of jealousy is perfectly natural, but _her_ sense of jealousy is stupid and immature and she should get over it. Yeah, no double standard there at all. The double standard isn’t really that much of one, though. I’d understand if she was mad that I starred in even softcore porn far more readily than I’d understand if she was jealous of me consuming porn. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/166 "2010-06-30T19:16:04Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > The double standard isn’t really that much of one, though. I’d understand if she was mad that I starred in even softcore porn far more readily than I’d understand if she was jealous of me consuming porn. Are you talking about you being in solo porn as per the original question, or are your talking about the sort of multi-person or interactive porn other people have warped the question into? Because getting pissy about your partner touching or being touched by other people is a very different proposition than being pissy about someone else looking at her. And yeah, if it’s okay for you to look at and wank to other people because they’re just images and have no personhood or meaning, but it’s not okay for other people to look at meaning-less personhood-less images of your partner…then yeah, that’s a pretty significant double standard. ---
**Author:** ![marshmallow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@marshmallow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marshmallow)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2010, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/167 "2010-08-08T01:10:14Z")
> [@Kyla](#): > > You’re seriously comparing the proportion of women who enjoy porn to that of men who enjoy cross-dressing? What? Yes. Unless I’m grossly over-estimating the amount of men who like to wear women’s clothing. Women barely consume porn at all. Gay guys look at more porn than women. I’ve probably looked at more porn in the last week than all the women in my neighborhood combined. The ratios get even more lopsided when you start looking at consumers of strip clubs and prostitutes. If men adopted the attitudes of women (which would probably be a good thing for society) all these industries would collapse overnight. > [@](#): > > Personally, I find visual porn…ridiculous and kind of, um, embarrassing? I can’t stop imagining how the actors must have felt while filming it. You mean big business porn movies, right? I’d agree. They’re shameful. Even worse than being unintentional comedy or insulting to my intelligence a lot of them are just downright offensive. Some seem to try to be as misogynist as possible. Maybe I’m too much of a puss, but seeing women slapped around, spat on, and called a dirty cunt or whatever isn’t very appealing. But jerking it to movies isn’t very satisfying IMO. I don’t understand how others guys can do it. Pictures are far superior as a masturbation aid or for just admiring nude women in general. And if you have to stick with movies, amateur operations where some people are just fucking for fun is way better than watching some muscled tattooed freak on steroids and viagra doing inhuman things to what appears to be a fake moaning piece of plastic molded into a semi-female form. **EDIT:** A GF who performed for people online as a cam whore would be pretty cool and could have some really nice benefits, although I’m paranoid so I’d be nervously waiting for the other shoe to drop. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2010, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/168 "2010-08-08T03:42:12Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > > [@Zeriel](#): > > > > The double standard isn’t really that much of one, though. I’d understand if she was mad that I starred in even softcore porn far more readily than I’d understand if she was jealous of me consuming porn. > > Are you talking about you being in solo porn as per the original question, or are your talking about the sort of multi-person or interactive porn other people have warped the question into? Because getting pissy about your partner touching or being touched by other people is a very different proposition than being pissy about someone else looking at her. And yeah, if it’s okay for you to look at and wank to other people because they’re just images and have no personhood or meaning, but it’s not okay for other people to look at meaning-less personhood-less images of your partner…then yeah, that’s a pretty significant double standard. Yeah, but it’s not a double standard of gender. I don’t care if she looks at porn, after all. I don’t think “posing for porn” and “consuming porn” are the same thing at all. It’s also not really an assertion I’m making, since I don’t care either way. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2010, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/169 "2010-08-08T04:46:50Z")
> [@malkavia](#): > > Okay, look. It’s not that I don’t appreciate you digging up this cite, but do you honestly believe that only 2/3 of men masturbate? I’d say 2/3 of men admit to masturbating, 1/3 of men lie about it. Well, some small percentage have no hands. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![heatmiserfl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df705f/32.png) [@heatmiserfl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heatmiserfl)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2010, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/170 "2010-08-08T14:25:13Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > > [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > > > Are you talking about you being in solo porn as per the original question, or are your talking about the sort of multi-person or interactive porn other people have warped the question into? Because getting pissy about your partner touching or being touched by other people is a very different proposition than being pissy about someone else looking at her. And yeah, if it’s okay for you to look at and wank to other people because they’re just images and have no personhood or meaning, but it’s not okay for other people to look at meaning-less personhood-less images of your partner…then yeah, that’s a pretty significant double standard. > > Yeah, but it’s not a double standard of gender. I don’t care if she looks at porn, after all. I don’t think “posing for porn” and “consuming porn” are the same thing at all. > > It’s also not really an assertion I’m making, since I don’t care either way. Not to you personally, but the two guys **(Lobohan and Clockwork**) definitely freaked out about something. I think it is a bit of a double standard if it’s simply guys looking at her. Clearly, they’re manhood is being threatened by men looking at their SO’s. Why aren’t they understanding of a woman whose womanhood is threatened by her man looking at other women? Especially since the OP mentioned that his GF had recent health problems that made her feel a little less attractive than usual. I found this thread very informative, BTW. I’m a straight woman who always found porn movies a complete turn-off. OTOH, I would not be able to put up with watching a hackneyed attempt at porn with a romantic story. I guess I find most porn to be completely fake and can’t suspend disbelief. I also find the close ups and certain behaviors repulsive. Finally, the guys are not remotely attractive (too fake or just outright ugly). Good to know that my feelings are not uncommon and there may be stuff out there that I would like. My husband doesn’t like porn for mostly the same reasons (except he doesn’t notice the guy at all). He just likes to look at boobies on the internets. They don’t have to be doing anything. Just pictures of boobies. I guess I’m lucky to have such a simple man. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2010, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/171 "2010-08-09T00:29:23Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > Linda Lovelace was, by all accounts, an enthusiastic participant in her various porn films, to include the classic _Deep Throat_. A watcher of that film would see a woman who apparently enjoyed the eponymous act, and argue that there was nothing wrong with the film. > > It was only later that we learn she was the victim of physical and mental abuse, and that her then-husband and manager desensitized her by, among other tactics, a gang rape. The film _[Inside Deep Throat](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0418753/)_ interviewed the director and the other actors and could not find anyone to corroborate the claim that she was being abused by making the film. They did agree that Chuck Traynor was probably abusive to her in their private life. They would send him off to get coffee when shooting scenes, and as soon as he was off the set, she was calmer and enthusiastic about the scene. > [@ruadh](#): > > If you read the things that Linda Lovelace wrote, she was obviously the sort of sad individual who could have been easily manipulated into doing pretty much anything. Indeed, in her later years she stated that she felt more manipulated by anti-porn feminists than she had been by the porn industry. Hers is a tragic personal tale but it sheds little light on the porn world generally. There simply aren’t thousands of Linda Lovelaces going around claiming they were brutalised into the industry. Most of them are quite at pains to say the opposite. Why do you do so easily accept her testimony and discount theirs? Linda was not the only porn star Chuck Traynor was associated with. He [was married to Marilyn Chambers for ten years](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Traynor). Hard to imagine they would remain together that long if he were the monster Linda painted him to be. > [@niblet\_head](#): > > Of course you can know. Ever heard of Susie Bright? Jenna Jameson? How about this snippet from the Toys in Babeland site: > > > [@Toys in Babeland](#): > > > > (Looking for) Women Directed Porn? The good news is that more and more women are directing porn these days. Shine Louise Houston is the latest contendor, specializing in lesbian porn. Sex educator extraordinaire Tristan Taormino is producing some of the hottest porn on the market featuring professional porn stars, and pioneer Candida Royalle continues to produce quality films. > > Do you think these women are going to exploit their actors? Do you think that if they knew that their female actors were being hurt by participating that they would use them? Do you think that these women are so gobsmacked by the patriarchy that they buy into their own victimization? > > There are porn producers and directors who work hard to make sure their actors are making a positive choice to participate. You could do some research on it yourself and realize that’s true. OR you could just assume that it’s not possible to make good choices about the porn you consume. And, tacitly, you could make judgements about the carelessness of other porn consumers. Tristan Taormino actually made her porn debut in the educational video "The Untimate Guide To Anal Sex For Women. I’m annoyed that porn with a plot has a well-deserved poor reputation. It’s not that the actors can’t act, it’s that the directors can’t direct. One would think that the lower costs of shooting video would result in the occasional second or third take, but the reality is the producer would prefer to use the time to shoot several other videos. Also, because “obscenity” is defined differently in every community, high budget porn like _Pirates_ has to be written to not offend any community’s standard - so you wind up with a movie about pirates with no non-consensual sex. If a film like _[Body Heat](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082089/)_ were shot with actual, rather than simulated sex, the famous scene of William Hurt smashing a window to get at Kathleen Turner would have to be cut. “The only difference between ‘porn’ and ‘erotica’ is lighting.” - Candida Royalle ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2010, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/172 "2010-08-09T04:16:06Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > > [@MeanOldLady](#): > > > > You think she was enthused about that movie when she fucked the dog? > > She clearly wasn’t enthused ABOUT the movie. > > And I haven’t seen it, unfortunately, so I can’t express a definite opinion about how she looked to the viewer. > > But I’m willing to bet that she looked enthused during the movie, because isn’t that the point? You’d think so, but even with my limited experience with porn\*, I’ve noticed that a lot of time the actors do not appear to be enjoying what they do. I don’t blame them for not enjoying it, since it’s their job, but you’d think they’d do a better job of faking it. To be specific, most look like they are enjoying it during the act itself, except for microexpressions you can catch if you pay attention. But the real problem seems to be that very few bother to act like they’re enjoying it before or after. If, for example, you enjoy being pleasured by your dog, there’s going to be some anticipation of the good feelings you are going to feel. (Yeah, in this case there will be some shame mixed in, probably, but if you can’t handle anticipation of pleasure, how can you handle shame?) It’s that that makes it look fake, and tells you to clue in on the microexpressions. If you’re like me, it’s automatic. And thus I have a hard time understanding how anyone else can get into it. \*There’s a lot of stuff I just don’t want to see. To me porn is anything that can be used as a self-stimulation aid. But I’m using the more common definition here–watching actual sex acts. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2010, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/173 "2010-08-09T04:37:17Z")
> [@gaffa](#): > > Also, because “obscenity” is defined differently in every community, high budget porn like _Pirates_ has to be written to not offend any community’s standard - so you wind up with a movie about pirates with no non-consensual sex. If a film like _[Body Heat](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082089/)_ were shot with actual, rather than simulated sex, the famous scene of William Hurt smashing a window to get at Kathleen Turner would have to be cut. Why in God’s name would anybody want to see non-consensual sex in porn? What the fuck is remotely erotic about rape? I think that’s as much a business decison as anything else. Putting rape scenes in mainstream porn would turn of 99% of the intended audience. ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2010, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/174 "2010-08-09T04:53:26Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Why in God’s name would anybody want to see non-consensual sex in porn? What the fuck is remotely erotic about rape? I think that’s as much a business decison as anything else. Putting rape scenes in mainstream porn would turn of 99% of the intended audience. Because they’re _pirates_. “Bodice ripper” romance novels are all about “non-consensual sex”, and any film about pirates that doesn’t acknowledge this is going to be inane. Here’s the part of my post that you cut out to further your RO: [QUOTE=gaffa] If a film like Body Heat were shot with actual, rather than simulated sex, the famous scene of William Hurt smashing a window to get at Kathleen Turner would have to be cut. [/QUOTE] Did William Hurt’s Nick “rape” Kathleen Turner’s Maddie? He threw a chair through a plate glass window to get to her. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2010, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/175 "2010-08-09T05:27:47Z")
I don’t know, I’ve never seen that movie. I do know that there isn’t anything erotic about rape, and that “non-consensual sex” is rape by definition. ---
**Author:** ![Acantha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc348/32.png) [@Acantha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acantha)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2010, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/176 "2010-08-09T05:33:16Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I don’t know, I’ve never seen that movie. I do know that there isn’t anything erotic about rape, and that “non-consensual sex” is rape by definition. This. Not only that, I don’t get porn in general. If I’m not doing it, I don’t really want to hear it or see it, thanks. I’m a _participator,_ not a _spectator._ ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2010, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398/177 "2010-08-09T05:40:19Z")
Incidentally, the answer to the OP is to adopt a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Keep it discreet, never talk about it and lie if she asks you about it. If she’s _really_ fixated on it then it might be time to shop for a new girlfriend. You’re not going to talk her out of that mentality, and it could be a red flag for insecurity and anxiety that’s going to show even more fangs down the line. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girlfriends-and-porn/544398.md?page=8)