# Girls and their soulmates **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 21, 2001, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955 "2001-09-21T03:32:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![hansel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6bbea6/32.png) [@hansel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hansel)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/1 "2001-09-21T03:32:19Z")
This rant is inspired by [**Little Bird’s thread**](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=88357), in which she complains that the man with whom she’s infatuated has slept with four women already (and him only 20 years old). How can she be in love (after nine whole days) with a guy who’s first time won’t be with her? I’ve never seen a more subtly damaging belief than the myth of the soulmate. Every woman and teenage girl I know who’s lusted for her soulmate, who’s waited for Mr. Right, who’s holding out for her prince, has without exception dated complete assholes, and lied to themselves about it in the cause of hanging on desperately to the fantasy that she’ll find true and everlasting love. Here’s a few clues: [list=1] [li] If you have him removed by the police from the hallway of your apartment building at 4:00 a.m., because he’s drunk, screaming, and banging on your door, then he’s not your soulmate, no matter how often you tell yourself that he is.[/li][li] If he still hasn’t left his wife after promising to do so for four years, no matter how well his used car lot is doing, then he’s not your soulmate.[/li][li] If he hits you, then he’s not your soulmate.[/li][li] If you get pregnant, and he takes a long vacation in Mexico (or prison), then he’s not your soulmate.[/li][li] If it’s your paycheck that he’s spending on beer, pot, and games for the Nintendo he plays all day, then he’s not your soulmate.[/li][li] If you’re constantly complaining to everyone about how badly he treats you, then he’s not your soulmate.[/li][li] If you cry all the time now, it doesn’t matter if he’s psychic, he’s not your fucking soulmate![/li][/list=1] Every clue in that list is the actual experience of some woman known to me. When do girls buy into the bullshit idea that fairytales come true? When do they fail to realize that being in love with someone is simply being in love with someone, and not the culmination of a millenial arrangement of stars guiding them to their perfect mate? When does the nubbin of self-preservation that most people grow fail to pop in them, causing them to grab the biggest loser in arm’s reach and cast him as the lead in their personal Harlequin romance? I live in southern Wisconsin. For each of the last three years, the national teen pregnancy has dropped, except here, where it’s risen every year. I’ve never run into so many starry eyed twenty year olds who signed abstinence contracts in high school, and are now single mothers. They all took it in the ass in high school because “that’s not sex” (Wisconsin must be the assfuckingest state in the union), and they wanted their first time to be special, with that special guy. Without exception, every single mother with whom I’ve discussed this said that they thought that the father was that special guy. Without exception, the father is only in the same state if he’s in prison for some petty, yet exceedingly violent crime. Of course, every daughter of one of these embittered fantasists is bribed with jewelry to sign the same abstinence contract. Little Bird, if you’re reading this, pay attention: sex is an activity, not a declaration of love. There’s nothing holy about being a virgin, and nothing slutty about not being one. The cherubs in heaven aren’t looking out for you. Casual sex can be affectionate and respectful. First times usually suck because you don’t know what you’re doing. Relationships are better or worse depending on the character of the people involved; they’re not written in the stars. There’s no soulmate for you, no Mr. Right, no Prince Charming, just guys (or girls–not every soulmate listed in the clues was male) with whom you’ll get along better or worse, with whom you’ll have better or worse relationships, whom you’ll love more or love less. When you’re busy floating on cloud nine, remember to check where the ground is now and then. ---
**Author:** ![MysterEcks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@MysterEcks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysterEcks)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/2 "2001-09-21T04:53:23Z")
Um…not that I want anything to do with this subject, but wouldn’t this have been better posted in the thread you linked to? Or at least with her name on it, if you want her to notice it? Not everybody here does searches on their username to see if anyone mentions them. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/3 "2001-09-21T05:00:27Z")
While the individual male in question is evidently scum of the Earth, I surely must take exception to the “whose first time isn’t with her” bullshit. Have you never heard of divorce and widowhood? Yes, it is actually possible for someone to begin a 2nd relationship later in life and actually be in love with that person. You may return to your regularly scheduled rant. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/4 "2001-09-21T05:15:32Z")
I would like to point out that it’s not only the females of the species that are guilty of irrational, unhealthy infatuations. Both sexes are equally guilty of holding on to their silly little fantasies. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/5 "2001-09-21T07:07:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by hansel \* > \*\*They all took it in the ass in high school because “that’s not sex” (Wisconsin must be the assfuckingest state in the union), \*\* I have a sudden urge to visit Wisconsin… ---
**Author:** ![anya\_marie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ebca7d/32.png) [@anya\_marie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anya_marie)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 10:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/6 "2001-09-21T10:34:08Z")
Where were they when i visited Wisconsin? ---
**Author:** ![hansel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6bbea6/32.png) [@hansel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hansel)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/7 "2001-09-21T12:34:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by anya marie \* > \*\*Where were they when i visited Wisconsin? > \*\* Now that this thread exists, we can start matching dopers with a taste for that proclivity. We’ll get one of the mods to change the title of the thread to “The Wisconsin Connection”. Wisconsin will be the Greece of the Third Millenium. 🙂 It’s true that for every woman I was thinking of, there was a man being a complete dink to her (though lesbians aren’t immune to the same, stupid relationship games). But I’ve usually met the men, and they’re total lost causes, just complete smackerels. The women in question are generally not stupid people, though, so it makes me crazy to watch them acting so stupid, when it’s obvious to everyone but them just how they’re acting. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Monty \* > \*\*While the individual male in question is evidently scum of the Earth, I surely must take exception to the “whose first time isn’t with her” bullshit. \*\* That’s the point, Monty. Though I wasn’t particularly directing this at Little Bird, which is why I didn’t add it to her thread. This has been an irritation of mine for a long time. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/8 "2001-09-21T14:41:36Z")
Well, hansel; it certainly looked like that was your opinion in the OP and not a quote. Thanks for clearing that up. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/9 "2001-09-21T15:45:20Z")
Ummmmm…I never said I was _in love_ with the guy. I said I was “Developing feelings” for him. Which means I was on the highway to love, not yet at the exit. What, do guys just wake up one morning and exclaim “Wow! Love! Outta no where!”? ---
**Author:** ![Nymysys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f6c823/32.png) [@Nymysys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nymysys)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/10 "2001-09-21T16:53:33Z")
I thought it was a poignant OP. Gods know I’ve delivered variations on that speech to a woman or two in my day. For the advanced class, I’d like to add: 8. If you don’t get a significant portion of his time, affection, caring, conversation and/or interest, he’s not your soulmate. He’s simply the guy that’s fucking you. ---
**Author:** ![hansel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6bbea6/32.png) [@hansel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hansel)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/11 "2001-09-21T16:55:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Little Bird \* > **Ummmmm…I never said I was _in love_ with the guy. I said I was “Developing feelings” for him** You freaked out because he slept with four women already. “shit shit shit” were your words, I believe. You talked about marriage. The whole point of my rant was that women like you have a battery of preconceptions about sex, love, good girls and bad boys. They’re stupid and hurtful preconceptions that otherwise sensible women indulge in because they’re romantic, or because they never bothered questioning them, and they lead these otherwise sensible women to do stupid and hurtful things–usually to themselves, sometimes to others. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/12 "2001-09-21T18:02:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*hansel > > > [@](#): > > > > anya marie\*\*Where were they when i visited Wisconsin? > > Now that this thread exists, we can start matching dopers with a taste for that proclivity. I don’t know that many people that have a _taste_ for that, per se, but there is that [one guy](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=872088#post872088) around here that likes dogs a little too much. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/13 "2001-09-21T18:10:16Z")
All of a sudden I want to eat cheese, attend a Brewers game, and spend more time around young women. I wonder if there are any direct Toronto-Milwaukee flights? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/14 "2001-09-21T18:14:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by hansel \* > **I’ve never seen a more subtly damaging belief than the myth of the soulmate. Every woman and teenage girl I know who’s lusted for her soulmate, who’s waited for Mr. Right, who’s holding out for her prince, has without exception dated complete assholes, and lied to themselves about it in the cause of hanging on desperately to the fantasy that she’ll find true and everlasting love.** Without wanting to visit the issue too deeply here… Isn’t it possible that you’re self-selecting a loser-group here? The one’s that found lasting love with this attitude ain’t making noise about how bad their lives are? Lady Chance and I have been together since we were 19. The minute I met her I was sold. All I had to do was win her away from her then-boyfriend (not all that hard) and bang! Lasting love. ---
**Author:** ![Clarissa\_xx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Clarissa\_xx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clarissa_xx)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/15 "2001-09-21T18:25:30Z")
I understand you hansel. I have a friend you truely believes in soulmates. She really does think there is one person in the world which is her soulmate and will meet him. The problem is that she is married with two children. Also, she insists and it truely appears that she is happily married. She married him because she was getting into her mid thirties (she’s much older than me) and wanted kids but, to this day, insists that she will abandon him when her soulmate comes along. The poor guy, husband that is. It is a seriously screwed-up, damaging philosophy that would have you abandon a guy that loves you, children and a home in order to be with your soulmate. If you’re going to have a philosophy like that then stick to it and wait for him. Don’t bring in some poor schmuck as a temporary thing. It’s just not right. I’ve tried to talk sense to her but it doesn’t work. ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/16 "2001-09-21T19:04:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by hansel \* > \*\*I’ve never run into so many starry eyed twenty year olds who signed abstinence contracts in high school, and are now single mothers. They all took it in the ass in high school because “that’s not sex” (Wisconsin must be the assfuckingest state in the union), and they wanted their first time to be special, with that special guy. \*\* I just read an article in American Prospect that talked about the trouble with abstinence contracts and it mentioned the fact that many signers think oral and anal sex don’t count. So this is really true? Do they think they don’t have to use condoms (condoms arn’t mentioned in abstience only programs anyway)? How fucking frighTening! ---
**Author:** ![easy\_e](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/eb8c5e/32.png) [@easy\_e](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/easy_e)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/17 "2001-09-21T19:05:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by hansel \* > \*\* > They all took it in the ass in high school because “that’s not sex” (Wisconsin must be the assfuckingest state in the union), and they wanted their first time to be special, with that special guy. \*\* Or else they’re not legal. Yes, I live in Wisconsin, too. A guy I know was hooking up with a girl, and much to his suprise, their evening culminated in “Do me in the ass, I’m 15.” He’s college-aged and he thought she was much older. Even though he’s a male slut, he backed away from that pretty fast. ---
**Author:** ![djf750](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ea666f/32.png) [@djf750](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/djf750)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/18 "2001-09-21T19:37:02Z")
Hansel, you are absolutely correct. And Hollywood helps keep this myth alive with such movies as “As good as it gets” as well as MANY (guess who their target audience is) others. The funny thing is the star, Jack Nicholson, has not been married in many years, probably never will again (why would he?) and just goes after and gets young women. But he was soooooooooooo romantic. Thanks a lot, JACK. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/19 "2001-09-21T19:58:18Z")
Being a typical teenager, I bought the myth of “the one”. Then I got married twice, each time to a man I thought was “the one”. I have since realized that while romance is lovely, and I will take it any day of the week, it’s not the be-all and end-all of a successful, healthy relationship. Eventually, the lights go back on and you’ve got to make conversation to fill the time. Either you can like the person you choose, or you can rely on the romance. And relying on the romance gets old. Robin ---
**Author:** ![Abe\_Babe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3ab097/32.png) [@Abe\_Babe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abe_Babe)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/20 "2001-09-21T20:04:21Z")
The thing about the “one for me in all the world” idea is that, what happens if I flipped my soulmate off because she didn’t know how to use the turn signal? What if my soulmate is a guy? (not that there’s anything wrong with that) What if I’ll never be with my soulmate because she or I were in a crappy mood and pissed each other off when we met? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955.md?page=2)