# Girls and their soulmates **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 21, 2001, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955 "2001-09-21T03:32:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/21 "2001-09-21T21:30:29Z")
Didn’t Binkley’s anxiety closet once inform him that his “soulmate” was a one-legged lesbian revolutionary in South America? Ah, Bloom County, how you are missed… ---
**Author:** ![Geobabe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/geobabe/32/3908_2.png) [@Geobabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geobabe)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/22 "2001-09-21T21:57:45Z")
I fell for the “soulmate” fantasy, and I didn’t even have the excuse of being a silly teenager; I was 32. While it is true that some people, such as **Jonathan Chance** , do find true love right off the bat, that simply is not the reality for most of us. I had too many family issues to overcome, low self-esteem, the whole package of stuff that makes relationships difficult if not unworkable. Now, most people don’t come from dysfunctional families, but most do succumb to the myth of romantic love that we are sold by Harlequin, et al. We are told over and over again that “love conquers all” and it’s pretty hard not to get the idea in our heads that all we need to have a successful marriage and live happily ever after is to be in love. Love is important, to be sure, but there is SO much more to relationships, and we do ourselves a horrible disservice by worshiping romance the way we as a society do. Don’t get me wrong, I still love romance, but I see it differently now. I’ve had to face the reality that romance by itself is going to get me nowhere. And sex and love are not even remotely the same thing. ---
**Author:** ![hansel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6bbea6/32.png) [@hansel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hansel)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/23 "2001-09-21T22:41:06Z")
What if you’re not the soulmate of your soulmate? ---
**Author:** ![hansel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6bbea6/32.png) [@hansel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hansel)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/24 "2001-09-21T22:42:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RickJay \* > \*\*All of a sudden I want to eat cheese, attend a Brewers game, and spend more time around young women. > > I wonder if there are any direct Toronto-Milwaukee flights? > > 😃 \*\* I’m thinking of organizing a special tour of the state as a vacation package. “The Best Asses in Wisconsin” would have a very literal meaning. Why go to Thailand, when the American Heartland is so near? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/25 "2001-09-21T23:02:03Z")
Once again, ignorance has been fought on these exalted boards. I had absolutely no idea that young girls were taking anal sex over vaginal sex because they SIGNED CONTRACTS OF ABSTINENCE!!! This gets my vote for “Missed the point by the largest margin”. As for the OP, I completely agree. I would rather spend the rest of my life with Mr. Not Completely Perfect, and have a good, happy life, than spend the rest of my life alone, waiting for Mr. Perfect. I do think our attitudes change a little as we get older, because as we meet more people and have more experiences, I think we get a more realistic view of what relationships are about. ---
**Author:** ![Dale\_The\_Bold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/41988e/32.png) [@Dale\_The\_Bold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dale_The_Bold)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/26 "2001-09-21T23:15:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by hansel \* > **Wisconsin must be the assfuckingest state in the union.** Anyone think it’s coincidence that it’s the beer-drinking-est state as well. Try designing _that_ state flag. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/27 "2001-09-21T23:30:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by hansel \* > \*\*(Wisconsin must be the assfuckingest state in the union) \*\* Can anyone else see this on a license plate? Robin ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/28 "2001-09-21T23:58:47Z")
> [@](#): > > What if you’re not the soulmate of your soulmate? [Bitter response] Then you’re fucked. [/Bitter response] ---
**Author:** ![hansel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6bbea6/32.png) [@hansel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hansel)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/29 "2001-09-22T00:18:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by easy e \* > \*\*Or else they’re not legal. Yes, I live in Wisconsin, too. A guy I know was hooking up with a girl, and much to his suprise, their evening culminated in “Do me in the ass, I’m 15.” He’s college-aged and he thought she was much older. Even though he’s a male slut, he backed away from that pretty fast. \*\* Wow. You knew Mark Chmura in college? ---
**Author:** ![Spiritus\_Mundi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Spiritus\_Mundi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiritus_Mundi)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/30 "2001-09-22T04:06:38Z")
I don’t believe in Hell, but if I’m wrong I am almost certainly going to wind up there. When I do, I’m going to start passing your picture around and preparing a welcoming committee. I clicked the link. I read the post. AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!! You bastard. ~Spiritus, who is leaving now ot pour a stiff drink ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/31 "2001-09-22T11:57:28Z")
I met mine once, but unfortunately I’d sold my soul a few years before, so things didn’t work out. ☹ It does kill me, though, because I busted my ass for this one chick, pulled out all the stops and was determined that _I_ wasn’t going to be the one to screw up the relationship and she meets some dude, talks to him for a couple of hours and totally blows me off. She calls me up a few weeks later to tell me how wonderful her life is with this guy. They were living in a crack infested part of town, he hadn’t had a real job in years, was an ex-junkie, had slept with 400+ people, and had a kid and an ex-wife in some other state. Hmm, if _that’s_ what a soulmate is, I’ll do without one, thanks. (And no, I’m not bitter. Okay, okay, okay, I’m bitter, but not enough to hunt the bastard down and kill him.) ---
**Author:** ![Marlitharn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marlitharn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlitharn)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/32 "2001-09-22T14:12:21Z")
Hansel, I’d like to add another clue to your list: If you have to whine the word “But” before you whine the words “I love him!” then hell, no, he’s not your soulmate! ---
**Author:** ![Kaitlyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/73ab20/32.png) [@Kaitlyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaitlyn)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/33 "2001-09-23T01:51:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by djf750 \* > \*\*Hansel, you are absolutely correct. And Hollywood helps keep this myth alive with such movies as “As good as it gets” as well as MANY (guess who their target audience is) others. The funny thing is the star, Jack Nicholson, has not been married in many years, probably never will again (why would he?) and just goes after and gets young women. > > But he was soooooooooooo romantic. > > Thanks a lot, JACK. \*\* I think you may have missed the point of the movie. Go back and listen carefully to Hunt’s mom’s speech near the end about how there’s no such thing as a “normal” boyfriend. The point is that two such emotionally screwed up people shouldn’t be looking for Mr. and Miss Right because this might be “As Good as It Gets”. The movie is much closer to “settle for what you can get” than it is “wait for your soulmate”. I think it’s highly unlikely these two people are going to be together for long. By the way, the “soulmate” concept is that there are people who are perfectly suited for each other. Thus it is not possible for you not to be your soulmate’s soulmate. Imagine two complex puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. Soulmates are those who fit each others lives perfectly. And yes I do believe in the concept that there are soulmates, but I don’t think that everyone has a soulmate, nor that everyone who has a soulmate will eventually hook up with him/her. It’s probably a very rare thing (hmm, 3 billion possible soulmates worldwide makes this very unlikely), and anyone who resists potentially fulfilling relationships in pursuit of finding a soulmate is a fool. My fiancee believes that I am her soulmate. I am not so sure about that (I think it’s possible, but it will take a long time to know for sure), but I do know that we love each other and are devoted to making each other happy and fulfilled. Our values match well, and our experiences complement each other. We respect and support each other. This is the relationship I have been looking for, and I would be an idiot to let it go by in pursuit of a potential soulmate. Sex and love: Sex can be the ultimate expression of a loving relationship. It can also just be a way of having fun. The problem is that many teenage girls see only the first aspect, and most teenage boys see only the second. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/34 "2001-09-23T02:26:04Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by hansel \* [li] If you have him removed by the police from the hallway of your apartment building at 4:00 a.m., because he’s drunk, screaming, and banging on your door, then he’s not your soulmate, no matter how often you tell yourself that he is.[/li][/quote] STELLLLLAAAAAAAA!!! [/Streetcar] > [@](#): > > Little Bird, if you’re reading this, pay attention: sex is an activity, not a declaration of love. Maybe it’s an activity for **you**. For others it **is** a declaration of love. Your version of The Truth might not be for someone else. ---
**Author:** ![Billy\_Rubin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billy_rubin/32/3622_2.png) [@Billy\_Rubin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billy_Rubin)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/35 "2001-09-23T02:43:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*If he still hasn’t left his wife after promising to do so for four years, no matter how well his used car lot is doing, then he’s not your soulmate \*\* Nobody, not one single person who works at, owns, or operates a used car lot is anybody’s soul mate. Hello? Soul required. b. ---
**Author:** ![hansel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6bbea6/32.png) [@hansel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hansel)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/36 "2001-09-23T03:03:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by iampunha \* > \*\* > Maybe [sex is] an activity for _you_. For others it _is_ a declaration of love. > \*\* It can be both; it’s certainly better the more emotionally involved you are with your partner. The difference between me and the romantic cripples I’m harpooning is that they see all sex as a declaration of love, to the point of fooling themselves that the quarterback isn’t out just for a piece of ass. ---
**Author:** ![Peta\_Tzunami](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b487fb/32.png) [@Peta\_Tzunami](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peta_Tzunami)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/37 "2001-09-23T04:54:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by hansel \* > **I’ve never seen a more subtly damaging belief than the myth of the soulmate. Every woman and teenage girl I know who’s lusted for her soulmate, who’s waited for Mr. Right, who’s holding out for her prince, has without exception dated complete assholes, and lied to themselves about it in the cause of hanging on desperately to the fantasy that she’ll find true and everlasting love.** Not challenging your op exactly, just doing a little “odds busting.” I believe in soulmates – finding someone with whom your soul connects when love grows. I waited for my own Mr. Right. I found him quite by chance, fell deeply in love with him, and then married him. Ask him. Over 10 years of marriage now. While I dated a (or a couple) guy(s) who turned out to be somewhat jerks (because of the not-exactly-kind manner in which they ended our relationships), none were bonafide assholes nor met any of your criteria. Furthermore, I never “went down” on anyone or “took it in the ass” to remain a “technical” virgin (keep my “stats” down) until finding the person with whom I wanted to share my life. Not really relevant as your op relates to the whole Little Bird thread, but I felt a need to challenge the absoluteness of your statements. You now **know** at least one starry-eyed girl turned grown woman who saved herself for and found her soulmate without falling victim to the _bad boy_ syndrome…well, unless anyone here considers PLDennison a _bad boy_. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/38 "2001-09-23T06:24:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*Spiritus Mundi \*\* > I don’t believe in Hell, but if I’m wrong I am almost certainly going to wind up there. When I do, I’m going to start passing your picture around and preparing a welcoming committee. > I clicked the link. > I read the post. > AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!! > You bastard. > ~Spiritus, who is leaving now ot pour a stiff drink Hehe, 😃 All I gotta say is that if you hadn;t seen it before and you’re on the Board, you aren’t a real member. IMOSHO. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/39 "2001-09-23T14:09:27Z")
Peta Tzunami and Jonathan Chance, I don’t think the issue here is whether or not it is possible to have an incredibly deep and satisfying relationship with someone else–of course it is. My husband and I mesh so well that it is scary. Thier are two problems with the soulmate myth: 1. The belief that there is some sort of mythic, exclusive status: Your soul mate is **the one**. If I die tomorrow (whic could well happen) I do not expect or anticipate that my husband will spend the next 50 yeras feeling like half of himself is gone. I would expect him to mourn me, and mourn me for a long time, and I would expect him to remember me for the rest of his life, but I would also expect that he would go on to establish deep relationships with other people, and I would hope he could find someone else as wonderful as me. Girls (and boys) in the grip of the Soulmate Fantasy really latch on to the One and Only thing. 2. The belief that whether or not someone is “The One” is somehow a seperate issue from how your life is together. This is the ferverent belief that love is 100% an emotional thing and that actions have no bearing on it. A healthy relationship arises out of what people **do** , not how the chemicals in their brains fire off on occasion. The most dangerous thing about the Soulmate Fantasy is that it can be used to justify anything: “Sure, he beats me, but I know he is The One and Only, the only chance I’ll ever have to feel these emotions, so I’m a hero for sticking with him”. They can (and are) also a convinent excuse for overlooking conflicting desires when what you _really_ want is sex: “I simply can’t be feeling horny because I’m a nice girl and nice girls don’t feel horny, so these feelings in my blood must mean something mystic, something profound, something **meant**. So it’s okay to let him finger me, it’s not that I want it, it’s that he’s The One.” ---
**Author:** ![Nacho4Sara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Nacho4Sara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nacho4Sara)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955/40 "2001-09-23T16:32:07Z")
**Hansel** , you don’t know how many friends I have who say, “Well, I buy him beer, pot, Nintendo games and DVD’s, and he just sits around all day on the sofa I bought him, oh and he didn’t get me anything for my birthday, but I **LOVE** him! He’s my soulmate!” Or some varient of that theme. It’s disgusting and putrid, and it’s reality for a lot of girls I know who are misguided. Two close friends are in relationships just like that, and they have such low-self worth, and are so desperate to find someone who’ll love them, that they settle for the first thing that comes along. I could tell you stories that would curl your toenails. You know, I waited until I was as ready as possible to have sex. I didn’t dilude myself into thinking I truly loved the guy, but I knew I cared for him and that the experiance would be a lot of fun. I was 19 - much older than most of my friends, but I didn’t really care. I got a decent sex education in middle and high school, I picked up a couple of tidbits from my more experianced friends, and I made the decision based on my needs and my body. In retrospect, I acted with maturity and, unlike some women I know, I don’t regret any of the sex I’ve had or the men I’ve had it with. I can’t imagine some poor girl being dumb enough to have unprotected anal sex because of some meaningless abstinence contract. It makes me sad and it makes me ill. Wisconsin needs to set up a comprehensive, state-funded sexual education program immediately. If they borrow the STD slides from my high school (“This is a genital wart on a penis. Use protection. This is a vagina infested with pubic lice. Use protection. This is an anus covered in genital herpes. Use protection.”), they won’t have to worry about abstinance contracts, or the STD rate, for that matter. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/girls-and-their-soulmates/82955.md?page=3)