I would give the Abominable Snow Monster (a.k.a. the Bumble) a nice shiny set of stainless steel dentures- with sharpening files.
Cartman - A.W.E.S.O.M.O. 2001
For Charlie Brown, Joe Shlabotnik’s home game jersey, purchased for 50c in a Goodwill thrift store in Canton, Ohio.
Batman: fresh locks, alarms, and security guards around Arkham Asylum. Just for the day, just Christmas Day. Boxing Day, Joker / Two-Face / Harley Quinn / whoever’ll break out again, but just for that one day…
For Bruce Banner : Lots and lots of REALLY GOOD weed. To keep him waaaay too mellow to Hulk-out for a while.
For the Baby Jesus: some spare swaddling clothes, a mobile - that sort of thing. Something the baby can use.
Edward Elric*: a sample case of Prozac™ and Valium™, and Dr. Nicks’ phone number.
*Or Shinji Ikari. I’ll write the name on the tag at the last minute.
That might help Dr. Gregory House too.
For Sherlock Holmes, a stimulating case (such as “The Blue Carbuncle,” set at Christmas time) to keep him off the seven percent solution of cocaine.
Jan Brady gets a shiny new AK-47.
To Bulwinkle: A magic hat with a real rabbit (AND NOTHING ELSE!) in it.
Frodo Baggins: Cruise missile. No need for complex, arduous treks to Mordor now!
Winnie the Poo gets a stairmaster. Tigger gets a year’s supply of Lithium.
For Turin Turambar (from the Silmarillion and The Children of Hurin): black hair dye, eyeliner, leather and fishnet lace. If you’re going to be a goddam emo, do it right!
That might make a good gift for Sasuke Uchiha also.
For Akane Tendo: cooking lessons, and takeout menus for every local restaurant in case the cooking lessons don’t take. I think I’d give the same thing to Orihime from “Bleach.”
For Megan, Drake and Josh’s little sister: a trip to boot camp so they can pound the annoying bitchiness out of her. (damn, I hate that character)
Seconded, enthusiastically. My preteen son likes Drake and Josh and, despite my own childhood diet of sitcoms and suspension of disbelief, I can’t understand why the two boys seem to be in such fear of her, and never (successfully) get back at her for her eeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil schemes.
Wile E. Coyote gets a roasted and stuffed Road Runner and something far more useful than anything at Acme.
Elmer Fudd: rabbit stew
For Captain Ahab, a modern harpoon cannon for the Pequod.
and while I’m being generous
The scarecrow a brain
The Tinman a heart
The Lion some courage
And of course a Wet suit and flame thrower for the Wicked witch of the West. The poor thing has been so mal treated over the years (especially with Wicked ugggghh!) she deserves a fighting chance
Rincewind: A good pair of running shoes
The Librarian: A bunch of bananas and his weight in book glue.
The engineers aboard the various Enterprises: Sonic screwdrivers for everyone!
Jehovah/Yahweh: A copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People.