# Give a firm handshake. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 21, 2014, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287 "2014-06-21T13:52:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2014, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/21 "2014-06-23T05:26:18Z")
**jtgain** I agree with the “fully grasp.” A firm handshake doesn’t have to be all that firm, and a couple small shakes are all that is needed, but the web between the thumb and index finger have to meet. When I’m offered the fingers-only deal it puts me off whether from a male or female. In some business class I took the instructor went around and shook hands with everybody. Those with the limp fish dooey were shown how to do it right and had to practice, so it must make a difference in initial impressions. ---
**Author:** ![blindboyard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blindboyard/32/2833_2.png) [@blindboyard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blindboyard)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2014, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/22 "2014-06-23T18:39:13Z")
Keep your hands to yourself. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2014, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/23 "2014-06-23T23:14:11Z")
> [@jtgain](#): > > If you are male/female/trans Your use of trans here makes no sense. There are trans males. There are trans females. Trans is not some third other group\* - Unless one is talking about the Hijras and I rather doubt you were. ---
**Author:** ![HelloKindWorld](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e79b87/32.png) [@HelloKindWorld](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelloKindWorld)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2014, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/24 "2014-06-23T23:23:23Z")
Another member of the “limp handshake” party here. I’ve gotten a few weird looks, and a comment before as a result. I’ve tried to adjust to a firmer handshake as a result, but I can’t seem to bring myself to remember until after the handshake. ---
**Author:** ![Baal\_Houtham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baal_houtham/32/13604_2.png) [@Baal\_Houtham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baal_Houtham)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2014, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/25 "2014-06-23T23:50:23Z")
> [@jtgain](#): > > Let’s assume you are right and it is meaningless and people like me are just being assholes about it. There are a non-zero number of assholes like me in the world who judge a person based upon a firm handshake. That alone is a reason for anyone not to screw the pooch in the first microsecond of the meeting. > . mmm. If someone gives me a firm handshake with eye contact I’m going to think they are either unimaginative, a slick hustler, or maybe just had a mentor who emphasized firm handshakes. Should I always wear brilliantine and lace up shoes in case those are important to the person I’m meeting? However, to get more detailed, If I really want something from someone I will adopt intentional strategies to make an impression – however those strategies rarely include acting like a mechanical programmed handshaker. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/26 "2014-06-24T01:16:24Z")
> [@FluffyBob](#): > > I’m a strong guy. I work with my hands and am physically active. I lift more, grasp more and smash more things with my hands in a day than 90% of the guys I shake hands with do in a week. Yet over last Christmas holidays my hand became sore from having my knuckles ground together by all the dudes that had to prove to me they too were strong… or something. I had to start warning people to be careful because my hand was injured. Could I have crushed their hands instead? Who cares. I don’t know what you do, but I know a couple of guys that are metal workers (I’m not sure about one of them, but the other is an HVAC guy and spends a lot of time with a tin snips). For some reason both of them like to shake hands. It’s gotten to the point where I’ll pull my hand back sort of wincing and they’ll make a comment and I’ll say ‘no, seriously, you’re going to break my hand’. With them, though, I think part of it is that they’re trying to give a ‘good firm handshake’ but I also just don’t think they realize how strong they are. Because of those two I can now shake someone’s hand and say ‘lemme guess, tin knocker?’. > [@voltaire](#): > > This. > > Of all the handshakes I’ve traded, I’ve \*never \*been conscious of any of the details of the interaction, mine or theirs, except for the rather rare incidents of cold/clammy/sweaty hands Just the other day I posted this to facebook: if you’re about to shake someone’s hand, make sure your hand isn’t wet. Like, wipe it off on your shirt before you walk in the door. I hate that, it’s gross. Is it sweat? Is it lotion? Did you just wash them? Did you just pee on it? Were you holding a cold condensating can of soda? I don’t care, I don’t wanna know, just dry it off first. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/27 "2014-06-24T02:20:09Z")
> [@blindboyard](#): > > Keep your hands to yourself. Amen. This whole business of shaking hands is gross and just spreads nastiness. Fist bumps all the way. ---
**Author:** ![standingwave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de0a6/32.png) [@standingwave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/standingwave)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/28 "2014-06-24T02:36:50Z")
I mostly squeeze the hand between my thumb and my palm. It’s firm but it’s not going to crush any fingers. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/29 "2014-06-24T02:42:00Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Amen. This whole business of shaking hands is gross and just spreads nastiness. Fist bumps all the way. During the H1N1 thing there was a bar I frequented where the thing was to do a sort of elbow bump (and say “H1N1” when you did it). It looked silly, it was just a joke, but it was cleaner then anything else I guess. Googling, it appears it’s not unique, if you search for H1N1 elbow bump there’s plenty of examples, even a video of Obama and Steve Martin doing it. ---
**Author:** ![psychobunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/54ee81/32.png) [@psychobunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychobunny)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/30 "2014-06-24T05:28:17Z")
I just posted 3 days ago in my “how not to get a job” thread. After getting maybe one decent handshake at an interview, I tried to figure out why it bothered me so much. (For the record, a decent handshake is firm but neither bonecrushing or limp). I have come up with the following reasons: -A decent handshake demonstrates a certain level of enthusiasm. Shaking someone’s hand rather than barely touching it subconsciously denotes that this is somebody you are pleased to be around. -A decent handshake demonstrates your energy. I am looking for an employee who is eager to work. If the interviewee can barely summon the energy to grasp someone’s hand and shake briefly, how can I expect him/her to do a full day’s work. -A decent handshake denotes a knowledge of the basic social niceties. Somebody who is aware that the polite social contract calls for a firm handshake will likely also be aware that you call people by their last names unless invited to do otherwise and that you show respect to your elders and to those who patronize your business (very important in medicine where we are in a service profession that at the same time puts us in an unusual position of power over our patients). Note that these are all my personal deeply ingrained notions and I am old and some might say old-fashioned. Still, it bothers me that people can’t shake hands. Quick tutorial: -Your hand should be clean and dry. -Grasp the other person’s hand and gently slide forward until the web between the thumb and second fingers touches. -Gently close your hand just until you meet resistance (no need to squeeze). -Shake briefly up and down twice while making eye contact. -Release the other hand Available options: -Add whatever flourishes your fraternity/sports team/lodge/gang has decided is mandatory (but only if both of you belong) -Add kisses on the cheeks-if you are European -Before and after liberally douse hands with sanitizer (if you are germaphobic or have OCD) Easy! ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/31 "2014-06-24T05:57:29Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Amen. This whole business of shaking hands is gross and just spreads nastiness. Fist bumps all the way. I stab people in the throat with a broken whiskey bottle so as to remove any lingering doubt that I may be some sort of limp-wristed nancy-boy. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/32 "2014-06-24T07:05:00Z")
Shit like this is becoming a bit of a minefield. You have to size up each person and try to work out exactly what level _they_ would consider a reasonable level of grip. The exact same handshake would be too weak for one person and too strong for another. I’m not bad at doing this (hint: guy walks towards you who’s middle-aged, with a tan, and top few buttons of shirt open = squeeze goddammit, squeeze), but I still get caught out by the occasional very strong woman, for example. ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/33 "2014-06-24T15:18:16Z")
> [@FluffyBob](#): > > Why do people like you give a shit about such a meaningless thing? Fuck Dale Carnegie. If I shake someone’s hand the firmness of their grip means nothing. There is no useful judgement about their character or person to be formed from how hard they squeeze your hand. This is idiocy. Its adolescent grasping for significance in something that has peripheral if any meaning. Are you also afraid to cross your legs when you sit in case other men think you are gay? > > I’m a strong guy. I work with my hands and am physically active. I lift more, grasp more and smash more things with my hands in a day than 90% of the guys I shake hands with do in a week. Yet over last Christmas holidays my hand became sore from having my knuckles ground together by all the dudes that had to prove to me they too were strong… or something. I had to start warning people to be careful because my hand was injured. Could I have crushed their hands instead? Who cares. > > The only thing that a handshake will tell you about someone is if they have the courtesy to not try to wrestle you during a simple greeting. I don’t think it’s idiocy or adolescent grasping for significance. Nor do I understand why people try to prove their point by referencing bone crushing handshakes. It’s not rocket science. It’s a simple firm handshake. The good handshake is the one you DON’T notice. You notice limp handshakes, you notice wet handshakes, and you notice bone crushing handshakes. To me it’s along the same lines as speaking up when spoken to. If you’re in a job interview and you talk meekly you’ll likely be perceived as meek. If you’re boisterous you’ll likely be perceived as a blow hard. A gentle but firm handshake shows confidence, much like looking at someone when you speak to them. It’s about perception, and perception is reality. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mask\_behind\_the\_Mask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ebca7d/32.png) [@The\_Mask\_behind\_the\_Mask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mask_behind_the_Mask)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/34 "2014-06-24T15:36:02Z")
I enjoy light handshakes. There’s something about a weightless grip that feels graceful, respectful, and considerate. I’ve been most impressed by people who have given me the lighter-than-air treatment. I don’t perceive a lack of confidence; I’d say eye contact during the greeting is a larger factor. I specifically dislike firm handshakes. I understand that the cultural expectation is to deliver a solid shake, but it’s really unpleasant for me. Maybe I have sensitive hands 🙂 In terms of judging someone’s enthusiasm or vigor, I’d place zero importance on a handshake. Their attitude and their words speak volumes in comparison. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/35 "2014-06-24T15:51:22Z")
> [@jtgain](#): > > Isn’t this taught anywhere anymore? I’ve been going to Friday night Magic: the Gathering tournaments (card game) lately. Collection of teens up through people in their late 30’s or 40’s. Last weekend, I was playing some kid maybe 16 years old. After the round, we did the customary “good game” handshake. He remarked “I’m going to have a great handshake by the time I’m interviewing for jobs from all this”. So there ya go. Play Magic tournaments. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/36 "2014-06-24T16:32:02Z")
You’d kind of have to be there, but a friend of mine has massive forearms (Popeye-ish) from weight lifting. When I stop in where he works, we always shake hands but it has evolved into an in-joke between us. We shake **firmly** , complete with grunting, making me wince, then I return the favor and he winces, then one of us goes down to one knee in obvious agonizing pain. Squeezing hands the whole time. Sometimes one of us taps-out. All the while customers watch. It’s all an act stemming from his freakish arms, but people witnessing it for the first time are impressed. We should go to Hollywood, so long as we can be type cast in handshaking roles. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/37 "2014-06-24T17:13:24Z")
> [@Max\_the\_Immortal](#): > > Sometimes you just miss the mark and go head with the sub-par handshake. I suppose you could get away with a jovial, “Whoops, missed the mark there, let’s try that again. _There_ we go.” if you’re so inclined. > [@Mangetout](#): > > Some people I meet are so eager to give a firm handshake that they go off prematurely - crushing my fingers together before our hands are fully engaged. Why do people do that? I just don’t understand. If you’re the one who missed and are squeezing fingers, it’s very simple and quick to relax for a fraction of a second and get a better grip. The person with squeezed fingers can do nothing. To me, it sends the message that you’re a bit of a dolt. If that’s the message you want to send, then grasp my fingers. But don’t assume I’ll underestimate you as a negotiator or competitor. The other thing that bugs me is the few people who won’t let go. Holding on for 4 pumps or five extra seconds, odd but no problem (and sometimes appropriate.) But after that, um, please let go! > [@Mijin](#): > > You have to size up each person and try to work out exactly what level _they_ would consider a reasonable level of grip. The exact same handshake would be too weak for one person and too strong for another. Right! It’s not quite a one-size-fits-all thing. Well, a medium firmness could be used universally. But I am more firm for most men than most women, but more importantly, I respond to feedback. If someone has a light grip, I’m less firm. If someone has a very firm grip, I respond likewise. If someone is a bone crusher, I let them have their fun but don’t participate. (I might laugh and say “Hey, I’m a piano player! I need those fingers!”) Only a real idiot would get in a macho contest with me, because I don’t send off the testosterone vibes, and only an idiot has a macho contest with someone who’s not playing the game. Yeah, there are idiots, but fortunately not many. I let them be idiots. If a woman shakes hands the way I was taught they would as a kid in the 60’s, I definitely use a light but firm touch, but one that allows them control. If a woman shakes hands the way most men do, I respond likewise. I was taught to allow a woman to offer a handshake, and not to offer it. I still follow that advice. Is that now considered sexist? I sure hope not. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/38 "2014-06-24T18:05:26Z")
There are two types of offenders here, IMO. There are the guys (almost always guys) who latch onto my fingertips so that I’m not really shaking hands so much as having my fingers jiggled. I can never figure out if it is intentional or if they are just over eager and grabbed too soon. Either way, it does not give me a good impression of the other person. Then there are the people, mostly women, who offer their hand palm down as if expecting me to kiss it. Do I gently shake the limp fingers? Maybe a slight hold and pause? Move in for a kiss? It is especially weird when a man does this. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/39 "2014-06-24T18:19:18Z")
> [@shiftless](#): > > Then there are the people, mostly women, who offer their hand palm down as if expecting me to kiss it. Do I gently shake the limp fingers? Maybe a slight hold and pause? Move in for a kiss? Beginning with the index finger, each digit is slowly sucked into the mouth and savored a brief moment before moving on to the next digit. IIRC. ---
**Author:** ![elninost0rm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ed655f/32.png) [@elninost0rm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elninost0rm)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2014, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287/40 "2014-06-24T19:17:39Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Beginning with the index finger, each digit is slowly sucked into the mouth and savored a brief moment before moving on to the next digit. IIRC. Too good. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-a-firm-handshake/691287.md?page=3)