# Give an example of "great, dry wit." **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 25, 2007, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463 "2007-03-25T21:34:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/21 "2007-03-26T16:31:04Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] Lady Astor once said to Winston Churchill, “Winston, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea!” Churchill, never at a loss, riposted, “And if you were my wife, I’d beat the shit out of you!” [/QUOTE] 😃😃😃 That’s the spirit! ---
**Author:** ![Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freddy_the_Pig)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/22 "2007-03-26T16:32:23Z")
It’s pretty rare that we celebrate Calvin Coolidge on these Boards, so here is another one: Coolidge was elected Vice President in 1920, became President when Harding died, and ran for a full term in 1924. When he ran for a full term, he needed a running mate. His managers asked him whether he would pick one, or allow the convention delegates to make the choice. He said he’d let the delegates choose. When his managers asked why, he said: “Nobody told them in 1920 and they did OK.” ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/23 "2007-03-26T16:37:21Z")
Stephen Wright may be too surreal to count as “dry”, but one of his that I"ve been thinking about lately is: Low sodium crackers should be called “ines”. ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@cornflakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/24 "2007-03-26T17:00:41Z")
Funny, I came here to mention Stephen Wright. His best line? “I’m on a roll…” Anyone who uses dry wit or sarcasm runs the risk of stepping over the line and becoming a jerk. Bill Clements (normally a jerk of the first degree) stood squarely on this line when a Baptist minister asked him if he had ever been born again. He replied, “No thanks, once was enough.” ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/25 "2007-03-26T17:19:07Z")
When Voltaire was on his deathbed, a priest abjured him to accept Christ and renounce Satan. Voltaire replied, “Father, this is no time to be making enemies!” ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/26 "2007-03-26T17:19:24Z")
[QUOTE=scotandrsn] This is the first time ever I’ve heard “Fuck you.” [/QUOTE] The way I heard it, the woman goes over to Coolidge, does the “I bet I can get you to say more than two words” thing, and he responds, “Nigga, please.” ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/27 "2007-03-26T17:47:29Z")
From _Futurama :_ \*\* Leela : \*\* Guess who just sent me a letter! \*\*Bender \*\* : No. ---
**Author:** ![SpectBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a87d85/32.png) [@SpectBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpectBrain)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/28 "2007-03-26T18:06:55Z")
[QUOTE=Annie-Xmas] Dorothy Parker was famous for her dry wit. When she and a man were in a hotel room together, the front desk called and asked “Do you have a gentleman in your room.” She replied: “I don’t know. I’ll ask him.” She & Alan Campbell were married, divorced, and remarried. They invited the same people to the second wedding as they had to the first. Someone observed “Most of the people in this room haven’t spoken to each other in year.” Dorothy replied “Includng the bride and groom.” [/QUOTE] also by Dorothy Parker “If you don’t have something nice to say about somebody, come over here and sit by me.” ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/29 "2007-03-26T18:08:27Z")
As [Talleyrand](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talleyrand) lay on his deathbed, he cried, “I suffer the torments of Hell!” A friend (I forget his name) sitting up with him replied, “Already?” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/30 "2007-03-26T18:20:00Z")
[QUOTE=SpectBrain] also by Dorothy Parker “If you don’t have something nice to say about somebody, come over here and sit by me.” [/QUOTE] I heard this was a saying of Teddy Roosevelt’s daughter Alice. She had it embroidered on a sofa pillow. When looking for an apartment, Dorothy Parker said she didn’t need anything elegant; “just a place to lay my hat and a few friends.” ---
**Author:** ![flurb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/51bf81/32.png) [@flurb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flurb)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/31 "2007-03-26T18:38:47Z")
Dorothy Parker was a font of wit. In addition to the above, there’s: “If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.” “Brevity is the soul of lingerie.” “This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.” (Speaking of Katherine Hepburn) “She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.” ---
**Author:** ![meek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce73a5/32.png) [@meek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/meek)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/32 "2007-03-26T19:06:45Z")
My late grandfather used to live with the family from the time I was six to 19 years old. Early one Sunday morning, I returned home after a “all-nighter” poker game and looked like I had slept in my clothes. (Which I had.) My grampa was in his suit looking dapper and sitting in the rocking chair reading the paper when this exchange took place… Me: Hi Grampa, Where’s Mom & Dad? GP: They went to church. Me: Didn’t you go to church? GP: I went this morning. Me: (Being a teenage smartass) “Well then - did you pray for me?” GP: (Without even looking up from the paper…) “It was only an hour.” Then grinned at me. I went down to bed. I had no comeback for that. He was in his eighties at the time. I miss him. . ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/33 "2007-03-26T19:11:45Z")
[QUOTE=RickJay] As RealityChuck points out, it’s almost impossible, too. For a man of Coolidge’s age and status, in the 1920s, to say something like that in a public setting is only slightly less likely than the likelihood he would have responded in Vietnamese. [/QUOTE] C’mon people. It was a joke. We’ve all heard the set-up a million times and know he says “you lose” and to hear “fuck you” in it’s place is kinda funny. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/34 "2007-03-26T19:20:46Z")
This is a bit of a tangent, but since Dorothy Parker has come up, here’s my favorite anecdote about her: Parker, enjoying quite a reputation for punning, was once challenged to make a pun out of “horticulture”. Her response: “You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.” ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/35 "2007-03-26T19:22:06Z")
Speaking of great wit, does anyone remember the joke with the punchline of “which Tyler.” it’s been driving me crazy. something about a grammarian or english teacher or what not. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/36 "2007-03-26T19:24:37Z")
More Parkerisms: When told a friend broke her leg, Dorothy replied: Probably did it slidding down a barrister. “I’ve heard she speaks 19 languages–and can’t say ‘no’ in any of them.” Her mother-in-law Hortense was only 17 years older than Dorothy, and they shared a mutual hatred of each other. She would introduce herself as “Mrs. Campbell. Not the wife, the mother.” ---
**Author:** ![Sonia\_Montdore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/90ced4/32.png) [@Sonia\_Montdore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sonia_Montdore)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/37 "2007-03-26T19:39:18Z")
Henry Thoreau lay on his deathbed. His aunt came to visit him. She asked, “Henry, have you made your peace with God?” Thoreau replied, “I wasn’t aware we’d quarreled.” ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/38 "2007-03-26T19:50:16Z")
[QUOTE=BMalion] Speaking of great wit, does anyone remember the joke with the punchline of “which Tyler.” it’s been driving me crazy. something about a grammarian or english teacher or what not. [/QUOTE] “Who led the Pedant’s Revolt?” ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/39 "2007-03-26T19:57:22Z")
I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. —Bilbo Baggins. ---
**Author:** ![Smitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Smitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smitty)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2007, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463/40 "2007-03-26T20:08:33Z")
I once read a story about a trial that took place in Los Alamos during the time when the US was developing the A-Bomb. A scientist who was well known to the townspeople was called as a witness. He nodded in acknowledgment to the jury as he took the stand. The lawyer, thinking that this familiarity might influence the jury asked, “Would I be correct in saying that you know more than half the members of the jury?” The scientist responded, “I probably know more than all them, put together.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-an-example-of-great-dry-wit/397463.md?page=3)