Thankee, Omar Little, I really appreciate your input. That last sentence is good: a concrete, specific, small step he can take. I think he’s just so emotionally overwhelmed right now that anything that’s not small and specific (i.e. “get custody!”) is too, well, overwhelming, the way it is for someone who’s clinically depressed.
Which he is, but he has no health insurance and we live in the U.S. so insert the usual rage against our shitty-ass health care system here. SarahB. you raise a good point as well. I doubt she has any reason to fear him (in fact, I suspect she was more than a little physically abusive while they were together) and don’t forget, he’s staying with us. I wouldn’t allow someone to sleep night after night a few feet away from my bedroom if I had even the teensiest suspicion that he might be remotely dangerous.
(I’d still love to hear from anyone who’s got advice re: his fear of being replaced as a father figure, if anyone had this experience or grew up in a similar situation as his child, though all input is warmly appreciated.)
I’d just say if he can maintain as much contact as possible and keep a calm steady course with the child and ingore any shit stirring the ex tries eventually the kid will see what the real story is (that he’s a good father and good person and maybe mom ain’t quite so hot like she claims she is).
I actually have experience from both sides of this situation. My parents divorced when I was 3 or 4 and I literally only have one memory of them living in the same household together.
My mom re-married twice (as did my dad) and she always retained full custody of me. My mom’s second husband was an awful person whom I’d never even consider replacing my father with, but her third husband is very much a father to me and I’m grateful to have him in my life.
That said, he never replaced my dad. They fill two distinct roles in my life and are both very important to me. Even if baby mamma meets someone new and gets remarried, the best thing your friend can do is be kind to them both
Children generally love their fathers and desire their approval and love in return unless the father does something very, very wrong.
That doesn’t mean the kid won’t hit a weird teen phase where both of his parents suck and he doesn’t have time to leave moms house to visit dad because “It’ll waste his whole weekend!” or whatever. But it’s temporary. Your friend should focus on a consistent message to his child that he loves him and is proud of him always.
On the flipside, I was married and had my son Roo as a teen, so you can imagine how many other great decisions I made along the way. My son’s father and I were divorced by the time our son was 2 and there was a lot of ugliness in the initial separation on both of our parts. My son’s father didn’t make an effort to be present and even when I would hand him over for the weekend, I’d find out later that my ex’s girlfriend was the one spending time with our kid while my ex went out or worked on computers.
When my son was older (say, 11 or so) he said “You’re not a very good dad.” to my ex, I’m not really sure what prompted it even… but after that point my ex really began to put in some effort. He offered to take Roo places, enlisted him in household repair projects and even showed him a few things about computers. Our son is 16 now, loves both of his parents and wouldn’t dream of “replacing” either of us with a step-parent.
Similar to what someone upthread mentioned, my ex now comes by to pick up our son for the weekend and stays an hour or so to shoot the shit with my SO and I. There’s no animosity left, but it did take a long time to get there.
My best advice to your friend is to keep loving his son and to be generous with his praise (dads really underestimate how important their praise and approval is to their kids sometimes), but definitely to seek a good therapist as soon as he can to help ensure that he does not repeat this type of relationship in the future. If he works very hard to provide a stable and loving environment, his kid will respond to that.
Best of luck to him and good on you for helping a friend in need.