# Give us your inauguration speech (in 100 words or less) **URL:** \ **Category:** Politics & Elections\ **Created:** [May 21, 2016, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275 "2016-05-21T02:54:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Frodo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/frodo/32/302_2.png) [@Frodo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frodo)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2016, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/61 "2016-06-21T21:30:42Z")
> [@Leaper](#): > > With a speech like that, lucky you’re already at the inauguration stage, because I have no idea how you were elected! 🙂 Don’t blame me I voted for Nyarlathotep! ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/62 "2016-06-22T02:27:01Z")
Why choose the lesser evil? [https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/085d5af5309958b36f643aa62aa678ba59023f4a/0\_0\_800\_800/800.jpg?w=700&q=55&auto=format&usm=12&fit=max&](https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/085d5af5309958b36f643aa62aa678ba59023f4a/0_0_800_800/800.jpg?w=700&q=55&auto=format&usm=12&fit=max&) ---
**Author:** ![Haldurson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/51bf81/32.png) [@Haldurson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Haldurson)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/63 "2016-06-22T13:26:39Z")
"Hey guys. I know I should say something like ‘My fellow Americans’, but that sounds too formal, and I’m not a formal kind of guy. So from now on, enough with that. Well, I don’t know what to say about all this. Well, I’m your president. I don’t know which one of us should be more surprised. No really. I have no idea what I’m doing. But I promise I’ll try to figure it out. And I’ve been told that they are going to give me advisors to help me and teach me… so… yeah. Way back when I… well I had no idea that I was even in the order of succession. And then that series of freak accidents… who knew that cats could be so vicious? And that toilet that fell from that Delta flight right… Whoo boy, talk about bad luck happening in 3s. That was 3 times 3. Anyway, umm… Let me just say that I know I’m not the guy you chose for this job, but I’m the guy you got. So suck it." ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/64 "2016-06-22T16:37:01Z")
> [@Lok](#): > > Obama? Obama spent 2 years trying to placate the GOP and his opponents. He was one of the most moderate presidents we’ve had in decades. You must have just woken up from cryostasis and think the mess in Congress is his fault :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/65 "2016-06-22T16:52:29Z")
“I’m in the driver’s seat! I’m runnin’ the show! I’M THE FUCKIN’ PRESIDENT!” ---
**Author:** ![Frodo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/frodo/32/302_2.png) [@Frodo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frodo)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/66 "2016-06-22T16:59:10Z")
I’m PRESIDENTING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER ---
**Author:** ![Lok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e8c25b/32.png) [@Lok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lok)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2016, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/67 "2016-06-23T03:06:27Z")
> [@YogSothoth](#): > > Obama spent 2 years trying to placate the GOP and his opponents. He was one of the most moderate presidents we’ve had in decades. You must have just woken up from cryostasis and think the mess in Congress is his fault :rolleyes: No, I’m referring to the current Obama who has obviously run out of fucks to give. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2016, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/68 "2016-06-23T04:24:36Z")
These two speeches should get awards: > [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > I thank you for choosing me to become President of the United States. > > We Americans are a hard-working, good and generous people. We can, in freedom, accomplish amazing things: confronting tyranny and extremism, caring for the less fortunate, and exploring the universe. This great republic has met and overcome every challenge for centuries. I am certain that it always will, blessed by God and faithfully guided by the Constitution given us by the genius of the Framers. > > And now, with determination, deep humility and an abiding hope for the future, I will swear the same oath sworn by George Washington. > [@Blue\_Max](#): > > "My Fellow Americans. > > The hour of a new future is upon us. History will remember the day that we left the old, stagnant stalemates of yesteryear and embrace a new era of progress, of reinvestment, and a new competitiveness to make our economy, our society and our children the very best they can be. > > Some politicians wish to spend billions of dollars to build a wall. We’re going to be building–and repairing–our roads, our trains, and our airports. > > Some politicians believe that healthcare is a great way to force Americans into bankruptcy and poverty. We’re going to create single payer healthcare for all Americans. > > Some politicians seek to destroy families and deport over ten million undocumented immigrants to this country. I am issuing, by executive order, an amnesty and a path to citizenship, for all those who have complied with the law. > > Some politicians believe that we should sell firearms to terror suspects, to the mentally ill, and to hardened criminals. We will ban the myriad ways that our laws allow these purchases, and we will hold accountable those who would make those transactions. > > Some politicians believe that the war on drugs is a war worth waging. For forty years, we’ve sought to punish those who use controlled substances but have basically made them unable to live normal lives and created a gigantic underworld economy. It is long overdue to end stiff punishments against non-violent drug users and address drug use for what it is–a symptom of mental health. Our Administration will seek to offer rehabilitation as a national priority. > > Finally, my fellow Americans, too many politicians have simply voted for their donor friends. Too many have and implemented policies reflecting the names on their checks and too few have listened to what you have to say. We have the right to regulate our elections, to get dark money out of politics, and to defend our own freedom from lobbyists. I will require my nominees to the Supreme Court to overturn the misguided mantra of money as speech, and if it is otherwise impossible, I will call for a constitutional amendment to explicitly claim this freedom for all Americans. > > Thank you all. > God Bless You > God Bless the United States of America!" ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2016, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/69 "2016-06-24T12:27:35Z")
In defiance of all constitutional, practical, and theological precedent, you, America, have chosen me as President. With great humility, I declare the quadrilingual Esperantic Hegemony of North America! Bonvenon! Bienvenue! ¡Bienvenido! Welcome! I a ---
**Author:** ![TonyRV2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/858c86/32.png) [@TonyRV2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TonyRV2)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2016, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/70 "2016-06-26T18:22:45Z")
My former fellow Americans, I have renounced my citizenship and have as of this afternoon become a San Marinoan. I refuse to remain a citizen of any country whose voters would have me as a president. Long live cousin Marinus. Arrivederci! (a nod to Groucho) ---
**Author:** ![NVME702-redux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a183cd/32.png) [@NVME702-redux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NVME702-redux)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/71 "2016-06-30T19:00:34Z")
> [@Frodo](#): > > Don’t worry, that looks like something written in English or another not-spanish language and then google-translated. No- Spanish is my native language. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Mighty\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mighty\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mighty_Girl)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/72 "2016-06-30T20:09:59Z")
¿Te sientes bien? ---
**Author:** ![ultimate11](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/49beb7/32.png) [@ultimate11](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultimate11)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/73 "2016-07-28T02:05:24Z")
I still can’t believe I’m here. Now what am I supposed to do with this château behind me? ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/74 "2016-07-28T04:32:06Z")
My fellow Americans - what the Hell were you thinking? Have you ever read any of my posts on the SDMB? Did you ever talk to anyone who knew me? My own mother wants me dead and you elect me President? Pass some of that stuff around - we’re going to need it the next 4 years. Myself included! ---
**Author:** ![ekedolphin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ekedolphin/32/10003_2.png) [@ekedolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ekedolphin)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/75 "2016-07-28T04:57:53Z")
Loved **Blue Max’s** speech! ---
**Author:** ![ultimate11](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/49beb7/32.png) [@ultimate11](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultimate11)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/76 "2016-07-28T13:52:10Z")
Well! My teleprompter is broken, the White House printer was out of ink, the family dog chewed the backup papers (we’re revising our policy on having pets on the White House anyways), and to top things off, our speechwriter just had a heart attack. And if that isn’t bad enough, the WiFi is down, the internal network is disabled, our telephone service is offline, our telegraph service hasn’t been used in decades (and it didn’t work), our attempt at flying an eagle to give us the speech has failed (and actually, I don’t think we tried that yet), and on top of all this, I can’t come up with a speech now because I just smoked something. Oh wait- did I already give a speech out? _snickers_ To hell with this, is this ceremony over? Let’s have lunch, who’s with me? ---
**Author:** ![Iggy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iggy/32/3364_2.png) [@Iggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iggy)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2016, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/77 "2016-07-28T14:37:50Z")
My fellow Americans, Franklin Delano Roosevelt famously stated that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. How wrong he was. ---
**Author:** ![That\_Don\_Guy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/that_don_guy/32/538_2.png) [@That\_Don\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/That_Don_Guy)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2016, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/78 "2016-07-29T17:20:33Z")
Ladies and gentlemen… …of the Strategic Air Command: Charlie Alpha Papa Eight One One ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2016, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275/79 "2016-07-29T17:24:54Z")
“I am not Constitutionally eligible to be President. But apparently you decided otherwise. However, the pay is good. So I’ll spend the next four years doing the best I can to make your lives better. Then you can decide if I’ve done a good job. I’m going to go to the afterparty now. Thanks, see ya later.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/give-us-your-inauguration-speech-in-100-words-or-less/755275.md?page=3)