# Given a breakup is going to happen, when’s the best time? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 11, 2019, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/given-a-breakup-is-going-to-happen-when-s-the-best-time/829337 "2019-02-11T15:24:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2019, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/given-a-breakup-is-going-to-happen-when-s-the-best-time/829337/21 "2019-02-11T23:32:53Z")
The time to _talk_ to her is right now. It will be a difficult conversation, probably the first of many. But I think she deserves more than simply a unilateral “breakup.” Tell her how you feel and why. Ask her what she thinks the status of your relationship is - what she’s getting out of it; what she thinks you’re getting out of it; what her imagined future looks like. If you truly believe the two of you are broken beyond repair, say so - but also listen to her responses and let her help decide what comes next. It sounds as if your lives are pretty well tied together at this point; better to have her working with you than against you to undo the knots. Question: If you do this today, will it be totally out of the blue for her? Or do you think maybe the bloom is off the rose for her as well? Maybe she’ll be relieved. ---
**Author:** ![HelenGawn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@HelenGawn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelenGawn)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2019, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/given-a-breakup-is-going-to-happen-when-s-the-best-time/829337/22 "2019-02-11T23:59:36Z")
> [@Wheelz](#): > > The time to _talk_ to her is right now. It will be a difficult conversation, probably the first of many. But I think she deserves more than simply a unilateral “breakup.” > Tell her how you feel and why. Ask her what she thinks the status of your relationship is - what she’s getting out of it; what she thinks you’re getting out of it; what her imagined future looks like. > If you truly believe the two of you are broken beyond repair, say so - but also listen to her responses and let her help decide what comes next. It sounds as if your lives are pretty well tied together at this point; better to have her working with you than against you to undo the knots. > > Question: If you do this today, will it be totally out of the blue for her? Or do you think maybe the bloom is off the rose for her as well? Maybe she’ll be relieved. Best answer so far. > [@](#): > > She’s a teacher and has been subbing for money since, while looking for another real job either in teaching or office/admin. Because subbing pays less than half real teaching, and because **she has been taking time off to “help” me through my injury,** I’ve been covering 100% of rent and groceries for our household the past few months, and was already paying 100% of car and insurance (she drives one of my cars, and used to pay the insurance cost of adding her as a driver back when actually employed). I’m wondering about the part in bold. Did she IYO genuinely try to help you but for whatever reason was not helpful? Or did she use your needing help as an excuse not to work? Or something else? I’m a little surprised that no one has mentioned your injury and recovery. That really seems like the most important factor, other than just being a decent human being. Surely languishing in this dead zone is not helping you (or her). Whenever you do it, do it completely. Don’t make any arrangements beyond what it takes for her to get on her way. If she drives off in the car, it’s gone. The only way to get it back is through long-distance legal action, which is just the kind of crap you’re trying to be done with. ---
**Author:** ![Littleman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ccd318/32.png) [@Littleman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Littleman)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2019, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/given-a-breakup-is-going-to-happen-when-s-the-best-time/829337/23 "2019-02-12T01:24:47Z")
DO NOT loan her the car unless youre ok to just lose it. There would be absolutely no recourse if she takes it and never pays a dime…even if there were you’ll never be able to enforce it across states for less than it’s value. Even reporting it stolen is not an option, she’s just driving it as long as she wants or at least until plates expire and it gets impounded and you have the expense of recovery 2k miles away That said , offering moving expenses is probably a good way to get her to leave because after 5 years living there, it’s almost certainly just as much her residence as yours in a legal sense. I’d say if you’re gonna do it , now is good. I’d hate to waste a perfectly good vday with a soon to be x when I could be at any number of singles events. Offer to rent the truck right away. She could be back with family on the day and have a good day. It will likely garnish her a bit more sympathy and support too. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2019, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/given-a-breakup-is-going-to-happen-when-s-the-best-time/829337/24 "2019-02-12T03:29:57Z")
> [@Isosleepy](#): > > Pretty sure that is not how it works. My understanding is that both parties must present themselves as being married. So stbeg would need proof ( witnesses, letters, video) of op actually doing so, and of herself doing so. And then only if they were both in the states where this is relevant (if memory serves SC, RI, and a handful of others) to even have a shot at having their arrangement seen as common-law marriage. > > Now, she could try to sue for palimony ( not real legal term). Not easy to get, but I guess some of the factors (her arguably taking care of him and giving up earnings to do so) may be present. I am so not a lawyer, maybe someone who actually passed a bar somewhere would care to comment and correct me. My source is my wife (a lawyer) and a friend of hers (also a lawyer) who cohabited with her boyfriend for nearly 20 years, but were not married, common-law or otherwise. The explanation I was given is basically what is listed above- the parties involved have to represent themselves as married for it to be valid, and there would probably have to be something other than hearsay evidence for that to hold up. This is in Texas, so it may differ in other states. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2019, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/given-a-breakup-is-going-to-happen-when-s-the-best-time/829337/25 "2019-02-12T04:09:02Z")
I answered Something Else. Something Else means you should break up with them RIGHT NOW, unless their pet or grandparent died that week, a parent or sibling died that month, or they were diagnosed with cancer in the last two months. Valentine’s day is bullshit, and her job his Her Problem. ---
**Author:** ![Textual\_Innuendo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/898d66/32.png) [@Textual\_Innuendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Textual_Innuendo)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2019, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/given-a-breakup-is-going-to-happen-when-s-the-best-time/829337/26 "2019-02-12T23:33:20Z")
Thanks for all the opinions, everyone, I have been reading them, even if not posting replies. It seems the dominant answer is “screw V-day, right now is the right time,” save a few holdouts in the “it’s only another few days/weeks, what does it matter?” camp, which is where my head was at. I appreciate the candor and responses. A lot of folk chimed in on not letting her drive off in the car, which was kind of surprising to me, but I guess I see the logic. On “helping,” yes, it was less “help” and more “complain constantly about having to go to the store / bring you stuff in the hospital” when she was literally doing nothing else and I was paying for all her expenses for months. This won’t be out of the blue for her, but it will be messy and difficult. Thanks again for all the advice, everyone. Here’s to a good recovery and a better life for us both! ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2019, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/given-a-breakup-is-going-to-happen-when-s-the-best-time/829337/27 "2019-02-13T01:16:48Z")
If you’re going to loan her a vehicle or some money, you may want to consider getting something in writing. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2019, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/given-a-breakup-is-going-to-happen-when-s-the-best-time/829337/28 "2019-02-13T02:50:08Z")
My vote is to tell her right away. The fact that you show very little emotion towards breaking up after 5 years shows that you are really not in love with her. So it helps no one to continue a charade.Getting her to leave may be the bigger issue because she is undoubtedly considered a legal tenant in your home. Doesn’t really matter if she pays if you lived together as a couple. You may actually have to go through the hoops of evicting her. I also agree that you should not let her continue to drive your car. The last thing you want is an angry ex driving around in a car to which you are legally tied. Good luck on your recovery. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2019, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/given-a-breakup-is-going-to-happen-when-s-the-best-time/829337/29 "2019-04-05T19:44:22Z")
It’s not really any of our business, **TI** , so you may share or not as you please. But I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s curious about what happened and how you’re doing now. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/given-a-breakup-is-going-to-happen-when-s-the-best-time/829337.md?page=1)