# Giving up your seat to a woman--outdated? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 3, 2008, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821 "2008-09-03T04:41:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2008, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/41 "2008-09-04T15:16:15Z")
I do this automatically. I was in New York City once, and I offered my seat on the subway to a lady. She accepted, once she got the idea that I wasn’t hitting on her or trying to steal her purse. She then sat down. looked up at me, and said, “You’re from out of town, aren’t you?” 😃 Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![R.P.McMurphy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7993a0/32.png) [@R.P.McMurphy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/R.P.McMurphy)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2008, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/42 "2008-09-04T15:43:02Z")
> [@grimpixie](#): > > Re: Pregnant women > > My wife told me that the time she really \*\*needed \*\*to be offered a seat was in the first few months of pregnancy, before she began to show. Then and in the last few weeks - most of the time while she was visibly pregnant, she actually didn’t need the seat, which is not to say she turned down the few offers she got. 🙂 > > Fortunately, she didn’t need to use public transport all that often. My wife said the same thing. She told me that the first few months during morning rush hour were brutal. She was fighting morning sickness. During the last trimester she was getting offered a seat all of the time but it didn’t matter so much because she wasn’t going to get comfortable anyway. Of course, an hour ride would be a different matter. ---
**Author:** ![starryspice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@starryspice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/starryspice)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2008, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/43 "2008-09-04T17:35:01Z")
> [@Jragon](#): > > Well, to clarify when I got yelled at I was first, unless I’m really in a hurry I’ll hold open the door for whoever is behind me (or in front of me should the case permit), when I got yelled at I wasn’t first and was expected to rush ahead to open the door for an unfamiliar perfectly healthy girl who couldn’t have been older than 20. That girl sounds quite rude, and you were not in the wrong. Some people just like to yell, I guess. What’s funny is that if a male colleague (or my husband or whoever) makes a show of holding a door open for me, I will generally hold the next one open for him. It’s not even on purpose, I just tend to walk fast and make it to the door first. The mentions of “gentlemen” and “ladies” in this thread are fairly amusing to me. I do not own a parisol, I do not wear a bustle, and I usually wear pants. I am strong and do not tend to faint or require the use of smelling salts. (I also don’t usually wear heels, but that’s a personal choice.) None of the men I know wear fancy hats, carry canes, or discuss politics in men-only smoking rooms. Some of them do smoke, but generally in mixed groups.) By all means, stand on the subway during rush hour if you would rather that someone else sit down. But start saying things like, “gentlemen should give up their seats to ladies” and I can only laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2008, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/44 "2008-09-04T17:44:50Z")
Offering a woman your seat solely because she’s a woman? Definitely outdated. Like the others said, offer your seat to anyone who looks like they need it. The only seat not having a penis qualifys the need for one is in the bathroom. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2008, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/45 "2008-09-04T17:46:47Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > I still do it. > > What surprises me is the number of women that won’t take the seat. So several of us are left standing, with an unused vacant seat right there. I offer, but I don’t stand first. That way if they say no I still have my seat. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2008, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/46 "2008-09-04T18:14:20Z")
I have had men offer me their seat on the subway several times. Most of the time I don’t accept but it is nice to know that they would be so kind as to give me their seat. I have offered my seat to pregnant/injured/elderly people several times and have often been turned down as well. Sometimes it has nothing to do with whether or not you want/need the seat but with the fact that you are only going 2 stops or something like that. On another note, my former roommate would get on the train pushing out her stomach and walking like she was about 4-5 months pregnant to trick people into giving up their seats. It was all I could do not to punch her in the face for that. ---
**Author:** ![shy\_guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a6a055/32.png) [@shy\_guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shy_guy)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2008, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/47 "2008-09-04T21:30:36Z")
> [@Lakai](#): > > My rules are pregnant women, women with kids and anyone that looks like they’re having trouble standing up. > > I not standing for an hour, on the NY subway, during rush hour, for anyone else. Agreed, completely. I will say that Shodan’s experience surprises me. I’ve found New York City subway riders to be _extremely_ eager to give up their seats to the elderly, pregnant women, etc. Perhaps things were different when he visited. At any rate, no, I don’t give up my eat to someone just because she is a woman. That’s silly. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2008, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/48 "2008-09-04T21:41:20Z")
Basic courtesy is never outdated. That is why I give my seat to a woman or open the door for her (if I get there first). ---
**Author:** ![Interconnected\_Series\_of\_Tubes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/13edae/32.png) [@Interconnected\_Series\_of\_Tubes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Interconnected_Series_of_Tubes)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2008, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/49 "2008-09-04T21:43:56Z")
No way. Have you seen the way they drive? ---
**Author:** ![rolandgunslinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/cdc98d/32.png) [@rolandgunslinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rolandgunslinger)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2008, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/50 "2008-09-04T22:58:06Z")
Yes, I will give up my seat for anyone who needs it. I also open the car door for my wife and daughter to get in/out. ---
**Author:** ![mutantmoose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a87d85/32.png) [@mutantmoose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mutantmoose)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2008, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/51 "2008-09-05T00:13:24Z")
What about the scenario where you both get on the train/bus at the same time and there’s an empty seat there? Who gets first dibs on the seat - the man or the woman? Personally (as a male), in that scenario, I just stay standing and don’t even go for the seat. If the woman wants it, fine. If she doesn’t, fine. No way am I going to sit on it though and look like a complete heel. ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2008, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/52 "2008-09-05T03:10:11Z")
**Cicero** , I don’t understand your question (or I’m being whooshed). Clarify, please? What I am surprised is the women in this thread that have said they regularly decline the sits being offered. I don’t think I remember offhand being a seat and (gracefully or not) declining it. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2008, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/53 "2008-09-05T04:10:19Z")
> [@KarlGrenze](#): > > **Cicero** , I don’t understand your question (or I’m being whooshed). Clarify, please? > > . Not being whooshed. This part: I don’t expect a guy to give up my seat I don’t quite follow. I am probably not grasping your phrasing. ---
**Author:** ![starryspice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@starryspice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/starryspice)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2008, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/54 "2008-09-05T04:44:23Z")
> [@rolandgunslinger](#): > > \ > I also open the car door for my wife and daughter to get in/out. This is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. Am I misunderstanding this? Do your wife and daughter just sit there while you walk around the car to let them out? Does your wife (or daughter if she’s old enough) ever drive the car? What do they do then? Does she let you out if she’s driving with you in the passenger seat? ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2008, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/55 "2008-09-05T05:47:13Z")
> [@starryspice](#): > > This is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. Am I misunderstanding this? Do your wife and daughter just sit there while you walk around the car to let them out? > > Does your wife (or daughter if she’s old enough) ever drive the car? What do they do then? Does she let you out if she’s driving with you in the passenger seat? I’ve seen people do that - it strikes me as slightly odd to sit there when I can open the door myself … but whatever floats their boats. Once, I was in a parking garage and the door openers weren’t quite working correctly if you were sitting in the car - you had to get out and go to the other side to click it open. My sister and I had only managed earlier that afternoon when one of us opened it and the other drove through before it closed again. I was walking through with my arms full and saw a man struggling. He had gotten to the stage where he’d finally gotten the door to open, but it didn’t look like he’d get back into his car and get it moving before it started to close on him again. On my way back, I saw him getting out of the car again. I was going to offer to help, when I saw his girlfriend/wife, sitting on her butt in the passenger seat, waiting to be driven somewhere. I figured they deserved to be trapped in the parking garage for that. ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2008, 10:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/56 "2008-09-05T10:11:49Z")
> [@Cicero](#): > > Not being whooshed. This part: > > I don’t expect a guy to give up my seat > I don’t quite follow. I am probably not grasping your phrasing. :smack: Didn’t pick it up. I meant give up his seat, or give me his seat. Apparently I confused pronouns there. I don’t expect a guy to give up his seat, but if he does I thank him and take it. Like I said, it doesn’t happen too often. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2008, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/57 "2008-09-05T13:56:36Z")
> [@starryspice](#): > > This is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. Am I misunderstanding this? Do your wife and daughter just sit there while you walk around the car to let them out? > > Does your wife (or daughter if she’s old enough) ever drive the car? What do they do then? Does she let you out if she’s driving with you in the passenger seat? My husband opens my door for me to get in, even if I’m driving, though I usually get to it before he does when we’ve arrived at our destination and it’s time to get out. When we were first dating, he’d offer me a hand to get out of the car - then again, I wore a lot more skirts back then, so it was useful, especially getting out of a low car. I joked that I’d forget how to operate door handles or fall over attempting to get out of the car if he kept doing that. He replied that his intention was to let me know how special I am to him, not to make me feel in any way incompetent. So I let him open the doors - and it does make me feel special. (Though he doesn’t hand me in and out of the car very often anymore - usually he’s occupied strapping our son into his car seat.) And apparently he feels good about it, too, because it allows him to do something to make me feel good. Of course, if anyone other than a valet or my husband attempted to open my car door for me, that’d feel a little strange. And for what it’s worth, I can’t speak for the previous poster, but I don’t just sit there and wait for him to open the door once the car has stopped, but if I’m gathering stuff (my purse, our kid’s things), he’ll usually open the door for me. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2008, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/58 "2008-09-05T15:32:41Z")
> [@grimpixie](#): > > My wife told me that the time she really \*\*needed \*\*to be offered a seat was in the first few months of pregnancy, before she began to show. Old joke - Young woman says to an old man on the bus, “May I have your seat? I’m pregnant.” THe old man stands up and gives her his seat. She sits down. The old man notices that she is quite slender in the waist. “So,” he asks, “how far along are you?” “About half an hour - and I can still hardly walk!” Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2008, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/59 "2008-09-05T18:41:29Z")
> [@rolandgunslinger](#): > > Yes, I will give up my seat for anyone who needs it. But why would it follow that a woman would need it any more than a man? > [@grimpixie](#): > > My wife told me that the time she really \*\*needed \*\*to be offered a seat was in the first few months of pregnancy, before she began to show. Then and in the last few weeks - most of the time while she was visibly pregnant, she actually didn’t need the seat, which is not to say she turned down the few offers she got. 🙂 This makes me feel the tiniest bit better about one of those incidents that still make me cringe. I was standing on the train and had of course trained myself to dive for any seat that became available. This guy gets up a little early and heads for the doors and I quickly slide into his seat. Only to look up and see the pregnant woman he had clearly left it early for. (no words were exchanged so I wasn’t that bold-faced) To this day I don’t know why I didn’t get back up–part of the reason I left NYC was I got ruthless like that and could have gotten myself in a lot of trouble. ---
**Author:** ![jackdavinci](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackdavinci/32/3259_2.png) [@jackdavinci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackdavinci)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2008, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821/60 "2008-09-06T00:58:18Z")
guy here, I might offer my seat to someone who might need it regardless of gender (see above examples). if i’m tired though, I might not offer, but I 'll give it up if asked, without any attitude. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/giving-up-your-seat-to-a-woman-outdated/461821.md?page=4)