# Go to your child's pre K graduation or your SO's Master's degree graduation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 4, 2025, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207 "2025-06-04T22:25:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/181 "2025-06-05T16:40:23Z")
The whole “It’s an accomplishment/it’s not an accomplishment” discussion is bonkers to me. _Toddlers don’t have accomplishments_. They don’t need to. They’re more like puppies than adults. They’re figuring out how the world works and how to be kind and curious and funny and all the other things they’ve got to do. Preschool is wonderful and important and should be free for everyone at that age, of course–but finishing it isn’t an “accomplishment,” any more than having a birthday or going to the doctor or falling asleep an accomplishment. If the graduation is meaningful, it’s probably as a transition ceremony, marking the child’s move from one school to another. If people are treating it as a ceremony to honor an accomplishment, they’re fundamentally misunderstanding kids in a way that I worry will put weird and stressful pressure on the kid. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/182 "2025-06-05T16:42:31Z")
First day of kindergarten was a milestone as well. Mostly because they took the big yellow school bus! Also for me as it was all day every day in the elementary school building. ---
**Author:** ![SCAdian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scadian/32/3292_2.png) [@SCAdian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCAdian)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/183 "2025-06-05T16:45:06Z")
> [@Spiderman](#): > > Think of all those _awful_ parents who have multiple children. Doesn’t that detract from effort focused on the first born? Consider the poor kids in a famiIy I know. They had eight kids and adopted two. Then had twins. Then had another one. Dreadful, simply dreadful. > [@chela](#): > > Yep cap and gown. Private school tradition. Middle school graduation? Not a thing here but I’d go. No such thing as pre-K when/where I was that age. And neither kindergarten, sixth grade, nor eighth grade (at any of the three junior highs I attended) ended with graduation ceremonies. The whole idea strikes me as ridiculous. ---
**Author:** ![Babale](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/babale/32/15666_2.png) [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/184 "2025-06-05T17:04:10Z")
> [@Pazu](#): > > There will definitely be some interesting conversations in that household when Kid #2 comes along… What does that have to do with anything? You don’t see the difference between continuing to invest time and energy into your family as it grows to include a new member… And courting some unconnected romanting partner? You really think those two things are equivalently distracting from your current family? ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/185 "2025-06-05T17:06:07Z")
Yet another possibility that @Babale didn’t consider is that the SO getting the Master’s degree is the child’s other parent, and they’ve been a stable family unit since the time the child was born, or before. OK, having a child while in grad school maybe isn’t the best timing, but I’m not sure there really is a “best timing” for having kids. ---
**Author:** ![Babale](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/babale/32/15666_2.png) [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/186 "2025-06-05T17:10:08Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > Yet another possibility that @Babale didn’t consider is that the SO getting the Master’s degree is the child’s other parent, and they’ve been a stable family unit since the time the child was born, or before. OK, having a child while in grad school maybe isn’t the best timing, but I’m not sure there really is a “best timing” for having kids I actually _did_ account for that possibility, in like my second post in this thread. > [@Babale](#): > > If they’re not parenting your child, then your child should come first. Period. > > If they’re parenting your kid, whether they’re a biological parent or not and whether you’re married or not, that’s at least somewhat different. It would be nice if people responded to what I actually said rather than a charicature, but I suppose that’s too much to hope for. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/187 "2025-06-05T17:12:12Z")
> [@Babale](#): > > It would be nice if people responded to what I actually said rather than a charicature Do you think you’ve been responding to the actual OP rather than a caricature? A lot of what you’ve written comes across as way over-the-top and making unwarranted assumptions about situation described in the OP. ---
**Author:** ![Pazu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pazu/32/15522_2.png) [@Pazu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pazu)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/188 "2025-06-05T17:35:06Z")
> [@Babale](#): > > What does that have to do with anything? > > You don’t see the difference between continuing to invest time and energy into your family as it grows to include a new member… > > And courting some unconnected romanting partner? > > You really think those two things are equivalently distracting from your current family? I’m saying that by your own statement, requiring that your one kid assume the entirety of your emotional bandwidth definitionally precludes adding anyone else to your family, including a second kid. Speaking as a married father of twins who just graduated high school (the twins, not me), I don’t think there has been a point in the past 18 years of my life when my “emotional bandwidth” was not split among multiple people. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/189 "2025-06-05T18:08:04Z")
Although many marriages come unglued when one parent (commonly bit not necessarily Mom) transfers 100% of their emotional bandwidth to the kids and the other parent (commonly Dad) is effectively first pushed out of the marriage, and then out of the whole family. Folks _can_ be single-minded devoted to their kid(s). That doesn’t mean they should be. IMO hyper-parenting is toxic to everyone within earshot. ---
**Author:** ![Babale](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/babale/32/15666_2.png) [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/190 "2025-06-05T18:24:55Z")
> [@Pazu](#): > > I’m saying that by your own statement, requiring that your one kid assume the entirety of your emotional bandwidth definitionally precludes adding anyone else to your family, including a second kid. That isn’t my statement at all. My statement was that specifically _courting and pursuing a new relationship with some who does not have kids and is not going through the same parenting experience you are going through_ is something that takes a lot of time and energy that I can’t imagine having as an involved parent of young kids. Spending time and effort on your family, even new members of your family or the partner you’re building the family with, is not the same as taking time _off_ from your family to date. When your kid is a little bit older, I think it’s much more appropriate. But, even then, your priority should remain your kid. At older ages, the biggest danger I see is bringing people into your kid’s life, making them form emotional connections with those people, and then splitting up with them. Processing those emotions can be difficult for an adult; it can be positively traumatic for a kid. I’m certainly not saying that you can have no interests or hobbies while your kid is in their rist few years of life, or that you can never date again. But I _do_ think if the second you and your ex split up (or much worse, if she _died_, as some people suggested as if this makes it _better_) you run out to find a new partner, that reveals _a lot_ about your priorities, and none of it is good. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/191 "2025-06-05T18:25:06Z")
Sounds like a parent who is emotionally detached from his family thus your seeing the other parent overcompensate for the distance between a father and his children. It’s his responsibility to foster a relationship with his kids not the mom who must pull the strings to get the kids to want to be with dad ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/192 "2025-06-05T18:53:53Z")
> [@Babale](#): > > But I _do_ think if the second you and your ex split up (or much worse, if she _died_, as some people suggested as if this makes it _better_) you run out to find a new partner Just to be clear: do you think this is measured, reasonable language to describe someone who is in a romantic relationship some years after their previous relationship ended? ---
**Author:** ![Babale](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/babale/32/15666_2.png) [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/193 "2025-06-05T19:03:21Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Just to be clear: do you think this is measured, reasonable language to describe someone who is in a romantic relationship some years after their previous relationship ended?. Yes, I do. I think that if you have a young kid, running out to find a new relationship within a handful of years of your partner passing away showcases some _serious_ issues with the way you’ve set your priorities. In the story from the OP, the girl is 4. If we give him as much time as possible and say the mom died in childbirth, I think that’s very fast to already have grieved for your dead partner, found a replacement, and got involved seriously enough that you’d even consider skipping on your kid’s event for your partner. All while you’re supposedly raising said kid. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/194 "2025-06-05T19:05:25Z")
I’m kind of torn as well. You’re right that the kids won’t remember the graduation, and if they do, it’ll be as some sort of hazy footnote in their early childhood. But I feel like graduate school graduation ceremonies are equally absurd. I only went to one of mine, and that because my entire MBA cohort was all going, and because my parents wanted to come. I wouldn’t have gone otherwise, and didn’t for the second Master’s. I do think the argument that the kid’s with him forever, while the girlfriend may or may not be is worth considering. I mean, I’d be really upset if I missed my kid’s _anything_ for a girlfriend who I ended up splitting up with later on. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/195 "2025-06-05T19:07:39Z")
Okay. So “the second you and your ex split up” is synonymous with “within a handful of years.” Right? It’s certainly not how I interpreted the phrase, but if that’s the clarification, then that’s the clarification. According to you, how many years must pass before a single parent with a young child may reasonably be interested in romance? And what’s your basis for that number? For myself: it’s none of my business, and there’s no number. One person might find themselves falling head over heels in love with someone the month after their separation. Another person might leave a partner for someone else, and make it work. A third person might start dating a year later. A fourth person might wait a decade. It’s not about the elapsed time, it’s about how they handle things. And I have a strong suspicion that if the mom in _Babadook_ had started dating sooner, there wouldn’t have been a movie. ---
**Author:** ![Babale](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/babale/32/15666_2.png) [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/196 "2025-06-05T19:25:25Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Just to be clear: do you think this is measured, reasonable language to describe someone who is in a romantic relationship some years after their previous relationship ended?. I see you weren’t necessarily referencing only the dead spouse situation, my bad - so let me give my take on how I’d weigh my options in that scenario. Clearly, my record in picking partbers isn’t great if I’m in this situation to begin with. My goal is to give my kid the best life possible, and through my poor decision making i prevented them from starting off with one of the best predictors for success - a stable home with both parents. Given that, my goal now should be to minimize further harm by putting all my focus on creating the most stable environment possible for my kid. Inherently, things are already less stable than they could be, so I have my work cut out for me. Absolutely the _last_ thing I should be doing is bringing a rotating cast of characters around for my kid to meet, grow attached to, and lose. So any dating I do should be kept very separate from my kid, unless I think it’s at the level of “serious” where I’d be spending at least the rest of my kid’s childhood with this person. And I wouldn’t be worrying about any of that until my kid is older - probably around school age. > [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Okay. So “the second you and your ex split up” is synonymous with “within a handful of years.” Right? No, but if he started dating this girl three months ago, he _absolutely_ shouldn’t be going to her fucking graduation over his own daughter’s. If there’s such a strong expectation that he should be coming to her event, then it’s a serious and long term relationship. > [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > According to you, how many years must pass before a single parent with a young child may reasonably be interested in romance? And what’s your basis for that number? It depends on the situation. I don’t think there’s a specific number of years. I just don’t buy that you can go through everything you need to _and_ get deep enough into a relationship that there’s some strong expectation you show up for Graduation all in four years. > [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > For myself: it’s none of my business, and there’s no number. One person might find themselves falling head over heels in love with someone the month after their separation. Another person might leave a partner for someone else, and make it work. A third person might start dating a year later. A fourth person might wait a decade. It’s not about the elapsed time, it’s about how they handle things. Sure, and it’s a free country. Far be it from me to tell anyone else how they should act. I’m sharing my opinion on what is and isn’t appropriate. If you disagree, and think _everything_ might be appropriate under some circumstances, then great. I disagree. We can have different opinions on that. ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/197 "2025-06-05T20:05:48Z")
> [@Babale](#): > > Clearly, my record in picking partbers isn’t great if I’m in this situation to begin with. My goal is to give my kid the best life possible, and through my poor decision making i prevented them from starting off with one of the best predictors for success - a stable home with both parents. Sometimes people change, that can be one party changes more than the other & you’re not a great couple anymore or sometimes one can change negatively, which could mean abusive or addiction so bad they’re using the rent/mortgage money & _your_ life is unstable because of it. Once I’ve decided someone isn’t who I want to spend my life with I’ve ended it & moved on. That has been as short as halfway thru the first drink to months to years. I’ve also been on the other of that in my life & had relationships ended on me; take the appropriate amount of time to lick your wounds & move on. I don’t think anybody dates, proposes/says yes, & gets married thinking, “s/he’ll make a great ex some day”. > [@Babale](#): > > Given that, my goal now should be to minimize further harm by putting all my focus on creating the most stable environment possible for my kid. Inherently, things are already less stable than they could be, so I have my work cut out for me. > > Absolutely the _last_ thing I should be doing is bringing a rotating cast of characters around for my kid to meet, grow attached to, and lose. So any dating I do should be kept very separate from my kid, unless I think it’s at the level of “serious” where I’d be spending at least the rest of my kid’s childhood with this person. I think most if not all here agree not to introduce the new flame to the kids but at some point the new flame becomes the SO; what if they’ve been dating for a year, or 18 months, or two years already; should he not introduce her to his kids when it’s stable & long-term, & serious or do you think he needs to propose first? ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/198 "2025-06-05T20:19:16Z")
ISTM that if I have kids and I’m dating, then about the time the relationship becomes anything beyond a known-to-be-short-term fling I _need_ to introduce flame to kid(s) and kid(s) to flame. If we are to become a couple, the kids _will_ be in there too. We _will_ have a three-way relationship; that’s built-in. Getting all the way to considering becoming engaged to the SO _before_ the kids even meet them seems like a recipe for major problems. Not a way to avoid major problems. So sometime after “just a fling” and before “We should get married; whadaya think? OK. Deal.” ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/199 "2025-06-05T20:19:48Z")
Regarding the “rotating cast” thing. It’s not something that should be done with intention. But people come and go in our lives. It’s a valuable lesson to learn. Also I do not think kids are as fragile as @Babale seems to think they are. In fact they are pretty resilient. ---
**Author:** ![Babale](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/babale/32/15666_2.png) [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/200 "2025-06-05T20:29:44Z")
> [@Spiderman](#): > > I think most if not all here agree not to introduce the new flame to the kids but at some point the new flame becomes the SO; what if they’ve been dating for a year, or 18 months, or two years already; should he not introduce her to his kids when it’s stable & long-term, & serious or do you think he needs to propose first? He absolutely shouldn’t propose without first taking a nice long time to introduce his SO and kids and make sure everyone is compatible. And again, the kids should come first, here. If he’s been dating this person for this long before introducing them to his kid, we are once again running out of time on the other hand, with how he got himself in this situation. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207.md?page=11)